Tiptoe through the mailbox


It’s been a while since I went through all my mail. I have this tendency to let the mail pile up, I think out of a primordial urge to see a stack of letters reaching from floor to ceiling, able to intimidate even the crazed amaryllis. In less primordial urges I wonder whether, if I gather enough information as presumably contained in the letters it’ll achieve self-awareness and I’ll have a tame if pretty slow-moving artificial intelligence. If I do, it’s going to be one that thinks I’m the Current Resident or, worse, Currant Resident. They shouldn’t be firing their copy editors. Let’s see what’s on the pile.

Ah, I’ve gotten pre-approved by the Eastside Community Self-Esteem Development Center, and don’t think I don’t see right through them. Oh, the pre-approval sounds like a good thing what with indicating that they figure I can build my self-esteem up just a wee bit more. Goodness knows if I’m to blog regularly I have to get my self-esteem up to the point where I believe tens of thousands of people are waiting for every fresh post and working up the courage to ask me where they can send me money since I don’t have a donation box on the web site. Ha. I see the trap: I’m being invited to apply for more self-esteem, which means, if they simply turn me down then I’ll be in such desperate need of their services that I won’t be able to resist going to their front door and begging for admission.

My Alumni Association wants to know if I’m going to be at my 5th Anniversary reunion. This was held in 1999. It has been a while since I got the mail pile sorted out. I can’t imagine they’ve been waiting eagerly to hear from me. Just a second.

OK, I’m back from the phone and it turns out they were waiting for me all that time. Kind of nervously, too. They’ve had someone sitting by the phone since November of 1998, which sounds like a lot of bother considering I haven’t even actually joined the association. But they admitted they’ve had a couple of people doing the waiting, which makes bathroom breaks and trips to the grease trucks (this great resource at the end of College Avenue where anytime day or night you can buy a greasy truck) something they can handle. And they weren’t all waiting on me; there’ve been four other people they were waiting to hear back from, so, I told them to stop holding up the 5th Reunion and hold it without me, and to go ahead with the 15th too. I told them I’d think seriously about going to the 10th, but that’s to make them feel better; I figure to let it sit a day or two and tell them I can’t make it.

Now here’s a bunch of coupons from the car dealer. That’s handy; I had a hole in the tire a month or so ago and they were able to separate the two, so now I’ve got a fully balanced set of holes in this egg carton kept in the breakfast nook. They’re good coupons, too, for doughnuts and loose tea, which I didn’t even know they sold at Scion dealerships.

Paycheck for that six-week course in HTML I taught for adult ed in early 2003. Hm. That reminds me, I wonder if it’s safe to take down the demonstration pages. Well, someone might want to see something about HTML 3.2 these days anyway.

Werewolf advisory from autumn of 2008. I’m not sure if this is advice on how to avoid or to become a werewolf. Let me check their web site … and … seems that since early 2009 werewolves were bought out by basilisks and have been a wholly-operated subsidiary ownership agreement licensed to local bottlers for distribution. This seems to take care of the problem without my having to do anything but I would like someone to explain the problem to me.

Now why would somebody have mailed three maple leaves to me? On the other hand, why not me? Still, if you know someone more deserving of them let me know.

I have no idea how to put out up a donation box here.

Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

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