Flight Checks

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: UPA8100 Flight updates now available.

Thank you for signing up to receive e-mail updates on any changes to your forthcoming flight UPA8100 from Salisbury, North Carolina to Plattsburgh, New York. We send our smuggest condolences to you on the occasion of whatever life choices have forced you to fly from Salisbury, North Carolina to Plattsburgh, New York, this Friday departing at 5:42 am and hope you enjoy leaning your forehead on our new comfort-rated windows just cool enough to make lifting your head feel like too much work.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: Flight Delay – UPA8100 departing at 5:56 am

Due to delayed crew arrivals at our Hartford, Connecticut, branch facility flight UPA8100 will now be scheduled to take off at 5:56 am. Please be at the airport before it takes off as this simplifies boarding procedures.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: Flight Delay – UPA8100 departing at 6:39 am

Due to a delay in weather leaving from our Bowling Green, Kentucky facility flight UPA8100 will now be scheduled to take off at 6:39 am, except for those on Mountain Time where it will be 4:39 am. We apologize for any inconvenience but current FAA regulations do not allow planes to take off without some sort of weather being provided.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: Flight Delay – UPA8100 departing at 7:58 am

Due to an equipment availability problem resulting from the weather leaving our Bowling Green, Kentucky facility flight UPA8100 will now be scheduled to take off at 7:58 am, and no, make that 7:64 because we forgot to include the tip. All right, all right, Ray, 7:74. Again, we apologize, especially Ray for whom this is so all-fired important all of a sudden.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: We mean 8:14 am

Stop making fun of us on Twitter. And it’s going to be 8:24 anyway.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: Now we mean 9:48 am

We warned you to stop making fun of us.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: Flight Cancellation – UPA8100 departing at 10:15 am, arriving in Teterboro.

Due to equipment, crew, and weather difficulties flight UPA8100 is no longer able to go to Plattsburgh, New York, and will instead land at Teterboro if everyone will stop giggling about it. Those who need to make arrangements not to go to Teterboro are advised to see their travel agents as soon as they establish communications with 1997.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: Flight Revised – UPA8100 departing at 1:00 pm, arriving in Teterboro.

Flight UPA8100 is now scheduled to depart for Teterboro at 1:00 pm but please be warned that a change in the departure location may be necessitated by — well, you don’t want hear what we heard. Anyway, we figure the plane will be taking off from, oh, let’s say Hattiesburg, Mississippi. That sounds right.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: Flight UPA8100 departing at 1:50 pm, updated information.

They were saying something about goats, that’s why we didn’t think you’d believe it either. Also it’s 1:50 pm now. Or will be when you get there. Passengers hoping to fly from Hattiesburg may wish to try getting on flight UPA414 just now, come to think of it.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: Flight UPA8100, UPA414 arrival updates.

Because somebody was asking who it was didn’t react badly to grenades, and we don’t know how they got started on this one, but someone immediately answered “Grenade-devouring mechanigoats” and overhearing that just destroys every other thought you might have been having and by the time we were piecing it back together we realized it didn’t make any sense and we were hoping not to be embarrassing about it, OK? Again, stop making fun of us on Twitter. Yes, we think she’s right about the mechanigoats.

From: flightnews@upperairlines.com
Subject: Flight UPA414 cancellation.

Flight UPA414 taking passengers from — was it Salisbury? We guess so — to Hattiesburg so they could fly to Teterboro so maybe as to get to Plattsburgh are notified that this flight has also been cancelled and the mechanigoats have nothing to do with it. We apologize to the affected and shall be busing them at no considerable expense to ourselves to Youngstown, Ohio, where we advise them to set up new lives for themselves, possibly as hunter-gatherers, possibly as farm hands, in any empty territory they can grab. Take barely a glance back at your loved ones: they will be with you always in spirit.

Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

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