Basic Dishwasher Repair

Is your dishwasher not draining properly? By properly we just mean is it taking all the water which gets put into it, and sending it back out again, with reasonable speed. We aren’t concerned with how stylishly it does the draining, or even whether it’s complying with all relevant state and local regulations, although that might be important in the long term. By the long term we mean after the subpoenas have been issued. By issued we mean to you. By you we mean not necessarily you; it could be someone much like you, such as a friend or sibling.

The first thing to determine is whether you have a dishwasher that’s some kind of machine, such as a dishwasher, or whether you have the old-fashioned kind that’s a person or maybe a team of enthusiastic terriers who lick the plates clean. The handling of non-draining in people is different and kind of disgusting, while the handling of non-draining in terriers is different in the same way and kind of disgusting. We won’t handle them here because you don’t really want to think about that either. We’ll be content with the machine-type dishwasher that isn’t draining, although we’d be happier if it were the machine-type dishwasher that is draining, as that’s easier to fix.

Most people accept as proof that a dishwasher isn’t draining the simple fact of there being water in the cabin there even past the end of the dishwashing cycle. Yet that isn’t logically sound. How do we know the dishwasher isn’t draining entirely and then pulling in water from another source, such as elves, to fill partly back up? You can claim the dishwasher hasn’t got any motive for doing that, but that just shows that you don’t know that dishwasher are the class clowns of the consumer appliance world, as a rule leaping eagerly into all kinds of pranks as long as they can be played on the humans around them. Famous dishwasher pranks of the past have included that Ziggy mug you don’t remember buying and keep thinking you threw out last time you moved; granite countertops; that horse in the bathroom (it knows); the plastic bags full of frost that use up a third of the space in the freezer; and “Fuji” apples. Misleading you about the flow of water would be nothing. Still, I bet you’ll just blame it on inadequate draining rather than go through the introduction of trace elements and properly tracking their flow the way you ought to. You probably won’t even feel guilty, which in the dishwashers’ eyes just make you deserving of pranks.

Assuming the problem is draining you’ll want to know why it’s not draining. The leading cause is that you’re in a space station which, under the influence of microgravity, has no way other than feelings of obligation of forcing the water into the drainpipe. Maybe you’re pretty sure you aren’t on a space station. Have you checked? In these hot summer months it’s easy to forget about going outside except for good cause, and as long as you’ve got a comfortable cool house and stuff to eat and a dishwasher to clean your plates in you can end up going without going outside for so long you don’t even notice that going outside would result in your nearly instant death. So check for other signs of being in a space station, such as signs warning that this is the airlock, or an international team of floating scientists swinging their arms in and out to spin at different speeds.

If you’ve gotten back to Earth and the dishwasher still isn’t draining, try letting it be for a few days and see if it gets tired of misbehaving like this. Sometimes the dishwasher comes to realize its pranks aren’t all that amusing anymore and it will do better. If need be, remember the problem of proving that the water actually is not-drained rather than pulled in mischievously. That should be good for a couple days of ignoring the problem without any unsightly guilt buildups.

With the days passed and the draining still not being done and the plates getting down to the pretty lousy set you thought you’d given away two moves ago and that Ziggy mug you could swear you’d thrown against the wall and shattered into thousands of pieces as a sort of abstract yet incomprehensible artistic statement the pressure’s going to be overwhelming to fix the dishwasher. Most repair guides would say to take the dishwasher apart, and then put it back together, this time leaving the undrained water out, and see how that works. This just rewards the dishwasher with attention for its prankish ways, however. What you should do is just put back the water, getting rid of the dishwasher, and that will teach a lesson to your remaining appliances about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. And in the meanwhile if you need a mechanical dishwasher you can get one of those robotic terrier puppies.


Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

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