Finley Peter Dunne: The Names of a Week


Today I’d like to return to Finley Peter Dunne and his Mister Dooley here, in a piece from Observations By Mister Dooley going over the news of the week. This should all sound extremely vivid if you’re well-versed in the daily news of 1902 (in July of 1902 when the campanille in Venice’s Piazza San Marco collapsed, an incident which brought a lot of attention to that rather famous one in Pisa, which hasn’t yet fallen down or over), but I don’t imagine that annotating every bit of this is necessary. It’s to me a marvelous way to see figures of the era, such as Theodore Roosevelt, William Jennings Bryant, and Whitelaw Reid as more vivid figures than just what history books give you; and if you don’t know the era.

“What’s goin’ on this week in th’ papers?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“Ivrything,” said Mr. Dooley. “It’s been a turbylint week. I can hardly sleep iv nights thinkin’ iv th’ doin’s iv people. Th’ campinily at Venice has fallen down. ‘Twas built in 1604 be th’ Beezantiums an’ raystored in 1402 be th’ Dogs. It fell down because th’ foundations was weak, because th’ wind blew, because th’ beautiful figure iv th’ goolden angel on top iv it was fifteen feet high. It will be rebuilt or maybe not. Th’ king iv Italy has given thirty-three billion liars to put it up again, an’ siv’ral ladin’ American archytects have offered to do th’ job, makin’ an office buildin’ iv it. Th’ campinily was wan iv th’ proudest monymints iv Italy an’ was used as a bell-tower at times, an’ at other times as a gazabo where anny American cud take a peek at th’ gran’ canal an’ compare it with th’ Erie, th’ Pannyma an’ th’ dhrainage iv the same name.

“Th’ king iv England is betther. He’s off in his yacht. So ar-re Laking, Treves, Smith, Barlow, Jones, Casey, Lister, thank Hiven! A hard life is science. Th’ Hon’rable Joseph Choate is raycoverin’ more slowly. He still sobs occas’nally in his sleep an’ has ordhered all th’ undher sicreties to have their vermyform appindixes raymoved as a token iv rayspict f’r th’ sthricken nation. Th’ Hon’rable Whitelaw Reid is havin’ a cast iv his knee breeches made, which will be exhibited in New York durin’ th’ comin’ winter.

“Me frind, J. Pierpont Morgan, has been takin’ dinner with th’ Impror Willum. It is undherstud he will presint him to th’ Methropolytan Museem iv Art. There are said to be worse things there.

“Lord Salisberry has thrun up his job. Lord Salisberry was wan iv th’ grandest an’ mos’ succissful statesmen iv modhren times. He niver did annything. He is succeeded be his nevvew, Misther Balfour, if I get th’ name right, who has done less. It is expicted that Misther Balfour will have a good time. On rayceivin’ th’ congrathylations iv his colleague, Misther Chamberlain, he bought himsilf a rayvolver an’ took out a policy on his life.

“A lady down east woke her husband up to tell him there was a burglar in th’ house. Th’ foolish woman. They’se always burglars in th’ house. That’s what burglars are f’r, an’ houses. Instead iv argyin’ th’ pint in a loud voice, coughin’ an’ givin’ th’ burglar a chance to lave with dignity, this man got up an’ was kilt. Now th’ pa-apers with th’ assistance iv th’ officers iv th’ law has discovered that th’ lady took a boat ride with a gintleman frind in th’ summer iv sixty-two, that she wanst quarreled with her husband about th’ price iv a hat, that wan iv her lower teeth is plugged, that she wears a switch an’ that she weeps whin she sees her childher. They’se a moral in this. It’s ayether don’t wake a man up out iv a sound sleep, or don’t get out iv bed till ye have to, or don’t bother a burglar whin ye see he’s busy, or kill th’ iditor. I don’t know which it is.

“Willum Jennings Bryan is readin’ me frind Grover Cleveland out iv th’ party. He’s usin’ the Commoner to read him out. That’s a sure way.

“Mary MeLane has been in town. I didn’t see her, me place not bein’ a raysort f’r th’ young an’ yearnin’, an’ especially me duckin’ all lithry ladies iv whativer sex. Mary McLane is th’ author iv a book called: ‘Whin I am older I’ll know betther.’ Ye ought to read it, Hinnissy.

“Th’ Newport season is opened with gr-reat gayety an’ th’ aim iv rayturnin’ husbands is much more sure.

“Gin’ral Bragg fr’m up in Wisconsin has been gettin’ into throuble with our haughty allies, th’ Cubians, he writin’ home to his wife that ye might as well thry to make a whistle out iv a pig’s tail as a dacint man out iv a Cubian. Gin’ral Bragg will be bounced an’ he ought to be. He don’t belong in pollytics. His place is iditor iv a losin’ newspaper.

“Gov’nor Taft has been in Rome showin’ th’ wurruld how succissful, sthraightforward, downright, outspoken, manly, frank, fourteen ounces to th’ pound American business dalings can be again’ th’ worn-out di-plomacy iv th’ papal coort. Whin last heerd fr’m this astoot an’ able man, backed up be th’ advice iv Elihoo Root iv York state, was makin’ his way tow’rd Manila on foot, an’ siv’ral mimbers iv th’ colledge iv cardinals was heerd to regret that American statesmen were so thin they cudden’t find anything to fit thim in his thrunk.

“Cholera is ragin’ in th’ Ph’lippeens vice Gin’ral Jake Smith, raymoved.

“Th’ stock market is boomin’ an’ business has become so dull elsewhere that some iv th’ best known outside operators ar-re obliged to increase th’ depth iv th’ goold coatin’ on th’ brick to nearly an inch.

“Th’ capital iv th’ nation has raymoved to Eyesther Bay, a city on th’ north shore iv Long Island, with a popylation iv three millyion clams, an’ a number iv mosquitos with pianola attachments an’ steel rams. There day be day th’ head iv th’ nation thransacts th’ nation’s business as follows: four A.M., a plunge into th’ salt, salt sea an’ a swim iv twenty miles; five A.M., horse-back ride, th’ prisidint insthructin’ his two sons, aged two and four rayspictively, to jump th’ first Methodist church without knockin’ off th’ shingles; six A.M., wrestles with a thrained grizzly bear; sivin A.M., breakfast; eight A.M., Indyan clubs; nine A.M., boxes with Sharkey; tin A.M., bates th’ tinnis champeen; iliven A.M., rayceives a band iv rough riders an’ person’lly supervises th’ sindin’ iv th’ ambylance to look afther th’ injured in th’ village; noon, dinner with Sharkey, Oscar Featherstone, th’ champeen roller-skater iv Harvard, ’98, Pro-fissor McGlue, th’ archyologist, Lord Dum de Dum, Mike Kehoe, Immanuel Kant Gumbo, th’ naygro pote, Horrible Hank, t’ bad lands scout, Sinitor Lodge, Lucy Emerson Tick, th’ writer on female sufferage, Mud-in-the-Eye, th’ chief iv th’ Ogallas, Gin’ral Powell Clayton, th’ Mexican mine expert, four rough riders with their spurs on, th’ Ambassadure iv France an’ th’ Cinquovasti fam’ly, jugglers. Th’ conversation, we larn fr’m wan iv th’ guests who’s our spoortin’ iditor, was jined in be th’ prisidint an’ dealt with art, boxin’, lithrachoor, horse-breakin’, science, shootin’, pollytics, how to kill a mountain line, di-plomacy, lobbing, pothry, th’ pivot blow, rayform, an’ th’ campaign in Cubia. Whin our rayporther was dhriven off th’ premises be wan iv th’ rough riders, th’ head iv th’ nation was tachin’ Lord Dum de Dum an’ Sicrety Hay how to do a hand-spring, an’ th’ other guests was scattered about th’ lawn, boxin’, rasslin’, swingin’ on th’ thrapeze, ridin’ th’ buckin’ bronco an’ shootin’ at th’ naygro pote f’r th’ dhrinks–in short enjyin’ an ideel day in th’ counthry.

“An’ that’s all th’ news,” said Mr. Dooley. “There ye ar-re jus’ as if ye cud read. That’s all that’s happened. Ain’t I a good newspaper? Not a dull line in me. Sind in ye’er small ads.”

“Sure, all that’s no news,” said Mr. Hennessy, discontentedly. “Hasn’t there annything happened? Hasn’t anny wan been–been kilt?”

“There ye ar-re,” said Mr. Dooley. “Be news ye mane misfortune. I suppose near ivry wan does. What’s wan man’s news is another man’s throubles. In these hot days, I’d like to see a pa-aper with nawthin’ in it but affectionate wives an’ loyal husbands an’ prosp’rous, smilin’ people an’ money in th’ bank an’ three a day. That’s what I’m lookin’ f’r in th’ hot weather.”

“Th’ newspapers have got to print what happens,” said Mr. Hennessy.

“No,” said Mr. Dooley, “they’ve got to print what’s diff’rent. Whiniver they begin to put headlines on happiness, contint, varchoo, an’ charity, I’ll know things is goin’ as wrong with this counthry as I think they ar-re ivry naytional campaign.”

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Bunny Snacking


The purchase of some “Green Goddess” salad dressing lead me inevitably to looking up Annie’s Homegrown — they make those organic Macaroni and Cheese packages with the cute pictures of bunnies all over them — on Wikipedia. Their symbol on the stock exchange is BNNY, and isn’t that adorable? So anyway besides learning about their various corporate takeovers and food recalls was this recent bit of corporate news:

On April 3, 2014 Annie’s opened their doors to their first bakery manufacturing plant purchased from Safeway Inc. located in Joplin, Missouri, that currently has an estimated 100 employees. [53079]

So I took that sentence to my seventh-grade English teacher, the one who made me, as best I can determine, the latest-born person to ever learn how to diagram sentences. She examined this soggy pile of words and explained that the “53079” is the ASCAP registration number, used to sort out royalties for when the sentence is played over the radio, so I’m glad to have that straightened out.

Comic Strips You Might Read


Over on my mathematics blog I have a fresh round of mathematics-themed comics, so if you’ve not read that, I’d be grateful if you did. I admit I’m not deliberately trying to be funny with what I say over there, but, plenty of things I say meaning to be funny don’t pan out that way, so, maybe I can amuse people by trying the other way around.

Bud Sagendorf's _Popeye_ as rerun on 26 April 2014: Popeye goes to the sea to weep over his family name.

In non-mathematics comic strip news, Bud Sagendorf’s Popeye has somehow got eight more weeks to run of the question of what Popeye’s last name is, and I’m strangely fascinated by the development that now Popeye knows what his last name is. It can’t have been revealed to the audience when the series first ran in 1980, because Wikipedia hasn’t got Popeye’s last name and I’d imagine Popeye’s last name to be almost as fascinating to Wikipedia as Lieutenant Columbo’s first name. (It’s “Lieutenant”.) So somehow this has to get through eight more weeks of story without anyone saying a name that left him weeping, and, without getting back to the question of what Olive Oyl’s middle name is.

Bud Sagendorf's _Popeye_ rerun 28 April 2014: Olive Oyl learns that Popeye knows his last name, and hopes to finish his census form.

And past that, over in Greg Evans and Karen Evans’s Luann, four teenagers have managed to get themselves battered, torn, and injured after the ordeal of walking across an empty field, because they are apparently very old people made of a brittle, defective plaster.

Statistics Saturday: The Forgotten Days


The most popular forgotten days of the week:

  1. Bragiday (traditional day for the complaining about the poetry of others)
  2. Hellinsday (traditional day for doctor’s appointments and hacky jokes about hospital gift shops)
  3. Tuesday (except in its two-fer form)
  4. Meimeirsday (good for running about like one’s head had been cut off; removed by the Council of Nicaea and put aside “for Miss Manners”)
  5. Sagasday (nobody knows when this was)
  6. Ransday (day of the sea and/or misunderstood Paul McCartney albums)
  7. Wednesday (the remake; lost in the 1922 calendar reboot)
  8. Gefjunday (position in the week given away to Bragiday, then left in the back of the closet until it was forgotten)
  9. Hoenirsday (no records of it, sorry)
  10. Voersday (traditional day for realizing what you should have said instead; in French, le jour d’escalier, the day for remembering one should have pushed someone down the escalator)

Koko the Clown: Koko’s Earth Control


For today I’d like to bring attention to the Fleischer brother’s Koko the Clown cartoon Koko’s Earth Control, which is a pretty good candidate for the title of Most Fleischer-iest Fleischer cartoon. The premise is there in the title: Koko and his dog find the Earth Control, with the dials and levers and all that to control whether it’s day or night, whether it’s raining, whether the world is to come to an end …

Yeah, about that. If I were in charge of the Earth Control, I’d have some kind of lock in place on the lever to end the world, but then, sensible workplace safety regulations would make a lot of cartoons less interesting. So the cartoon turns to a series of spot gags about everything going horribly, crazily wrong, in surreal and sometimes disturbing ways. It’s well-paced, it includes the live action in a pretty good fashion, and if it hasn’t quite got an ending, well, how would you end the world?

Report on the Failure of the Turpid Moraine Moraine Project


It is difficult to identify the proximate and ultimate causes of the failed Turpid Moraine Moraine Project, as this complex and sinister web of factors can pretty much be blamed on the people getting this report, but the effort is worthwhile as it keeps the report-writer from having to unload the boxes of returned things or suffer physical retribution from the Moraine Moraine clients.

We must characterize communications as a primary failure cause and/or mode. For example, the client could directly ask the programmers to ask whether the demands on their servers would be lessened if the software development kits used a smaller typeface and maybe something in a Futura. Meanwhile the programmers were inadequately shy about writing back to ask whether the project had been approved for development as much as 34 months after the contract was signed.

A considerable volume of chat transcripts indicate that communications — internal, external, and whatever that grey area is in-between — were altogether too good and allowed everyone to know what kinds of people they were dealing with. In any modern organization traces of humanity must be suppressed, because humans are just terrible, and the more you hear from them the worse they are. Fortunately the failure of the Moraine Moraine Project bodes well for future work with them as there’s no one left on their staff or ours willing to speak to the other.

To underscore the excessiveness of our communication note that the client’s staffers who sent the typeface memo asserted they were merely being facetious, to bring all together in a sense of common cause against the general stupidity of the modern world. Our programmers responded that there is no reason to treat an ironical shopworn joke as superior to a sincerely shopworn joke. The ensuing debate on the signifiers and purposes of humor, and what did our programmers think that approved-for-development base-touching was exactly, enabled over seven persons in both organizations to earn their Masters of Literature. While we had no explicit responsibility many felt we ought to keep people safe from that sort of thing.

Despite too-good communications, the specifications for the project were still inadequately defined. Enclosed please find the final draft of the project requirements: the twelve Primary Objectives include (as item seven) an inventory of the broken vending machine, (item twelve) a ruling on whether to write “10” or “ten”, and (item nine) a call for international diplomacy by way of open covenants of peace, openly arrived at. Among the twenty Desirable Objectives are “fireproof kettles”, whatever those are, and a settlement on the way to spell “moustache”. The Marketing division was able to identify fourteen products which already meet all these specifications, none of which satisfied the clients, and two of which required the attention of three municipalities’ emergency medical technicians. Marketing asserts Moraine Moraine was being “fickle”.

The Training Department’s admirable refusal to communicate with Programming, Marketing, or the client, despite its de facto status as project coordinators, nevertheless failed us in some ways. Lacking other information, for example, both Marketing and Programming trusted that the West Silage physical plant was still owned by our company, or indeed any company. This was the direct cause of the humiliating site visit in which the attempt to the prototypes of our data-sampling and analysis tools resulted in being chased by binturongs wielding sticks. The Training Department wants it noted that the sticks were sharpened in line with the ISO-9000/OUCH procedure they developed for the Total Quality Management program which began in 1994, and that they will be ready for the 1998 Final Audit whenever we can provide them with six to eight years notice. They would.

While it is always dangerous to identify senior management as participants in the failure I must note that the boss’s decision to unnecessarily offend the foul witch Sycorax and thus get grown into some kind of hoop or something in a pine tree (her e-mails on this point were blissfully uncommunicative) until freed by a shipwrecked sailor, coming as the incident did in the middle of budgeting, left our staffing decisions badly affected for the following fiscal year.

Given the multifaceted nature of the Moraine Moraine failure it is difficult to recommend a single most important corrective action, so I recommend we just have everybody in charge of something read a bunch of Tom Peters books until they feel good about themselves again.

Notes From The Dream World: Al Roker Subway Nudity Something Or Other


So, if we can trust what I’m getting out of my dreams, apparently New York City has some portion of the subway system where there’s nice wide cement platforms elevated high enough that the entire train runs underneath the platform level. Probably there’s a way of getting into the trains underneath the concrete and you just use the very high platforms for getting around. It all seems kind of risky but you can hop from one platform side to the other when the train’s in the station, which is nice. Also, apparently, Al Roker’s going to spend a lot of time wandering around and waving merrily to people on top of the platform.

But there’ll be hazards yet, such as the several honor guard hollering at people to clear a swath about twenty feet wide to make way for the baggage being carried for His Majesty, the King of the Nuditarians. This is peculiar, since certainly I’d imagined the King of the Nuditarians didn’t need all that much luggage. I’d have guessed it at maybe a duffel bag for his gym shorts and a toothbrush. Maybe carry along a bowling ball-style bag for his crown. But the ways of royalty are strange, on the New York City subway or not.

You know, if it weren’t for the honor guard, I’d have suspected him of being an impostor.

What Unseen Voices Laugh At In The Commercial Break


It was a commercial break on The Price Is Right. They were advertising that show CBS has that’s The View, only on CBS, so given some other name I can’t remember. Their guest star was to be Christopher Meloni. A woman, I trust one of the hosts, says, “Meloni? Me likey!” and is met with raucous laughter from an audience that I have no doubt exists, and that listens to this sort of word play or single-party flirtation or whatever it is exactly, and approves. I stared back at the television, wondering, what has brought things to this?

I’m left to suspect this is how the guy who draws Zippy the Pinhead feels all the time.

Math Comics with a Side of Mathematics comics


Over on my mathematics blog there’s another article talking about the subjects that the last couple weeks of comic syndicated, newspaper-grade comic strips mentioned. There’s also, courtesy of Bill Amend of FoxTrot, a link to a big bundle of FoxTrot comic strips that have some mathematical content and are suitable for inclusion on the doors to mathematics classrooms or maybe PowerPoint slides explaining what the tangent of 45 degrees is.

Quarks of nature


And for this morning I’d like to offer a pointer/reblogging of “Quarks of Nature”, on a Labor Of Like’s WordPress blog. Labor of Like writes a good number of pieces using a comic mode that I’ve somehow avoided in these parts, that of the mock news article. Labor of Like also works heavily in the science-news stream, which is a tough kind of humor to write: there’s a terrific drive to write informationally if you start talking about subsurface oceans of gas-giant moons or superlatively weird constructions of quarks, if nothing else to make sure the average reader has a hope of knowing what’s being talked about.

This bit, about the discovery of a bizarre kind of quark construct dubbed Z(4430), gives I think a fairly good sense of what the blog’s humor style is like and so, if you like science-news-based-humor (and done in the style of stuffing each sentence full of jokes, a style that I can find exhausting to write, but which if it works evokes the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker films with jokes piled on top of jokes) then this could be something fresh that you’ll enjoy.

A Labor of Like

padme_amidala

In matter-that-doesn’t news, the recent discovery of a four-quark something or other has triggered a new round of physics gang warfare.

The new particles go by the name Z(4430).  Physicists give these particles names starting with the letter Z because all the good letters, like M and G, are already taken.  The number is derived from the fact that the particle showed up sometime between 4:00 and 4:30, while scientists were out having afternoon tea.  “I just came back, and there were these 4 quarks laying on the floor of the collider.  They weren’t there when we left, but we’re not sure exactly when they showed up.”

In 2008, the Belle Collaboration*, a street gang of Hot and/or BrightDisney heroines, announced it saw the world’s first evidence of Z(4430) in Japan.  Then another group, led by the elephant king BaBar, ran its own experiments in California. BaBar said their…

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Statistics Saturday: Most Popular Unwritten Articles


Here are the most popular things which I did not write in the past month:

  1. French Words I Do Not Know, a quick guide to things you can’t talk about with me in French.
  2. Bacon Moustaches In Mason Jars, frankly, clickbait for the hipster audience that saw through me so clearly that they were over me before everyone else was.
  3. The Studio Audience, and other things not found around my apartment (I haven’t had a studio apartment since 1998).
  4. Episodes of Automan I Still Have In My Head, a cautionary tale. Warning: they’re all stupid.
  5. Robert Benchley: My First Radio Set, an essay about trying out life as a ham radio operator which the great humorist never wrote.

Felix the Cat: Felix the Ghost-Breaker


This morning I’d like to offer the 1923 Felix the Cat short, Felix the Ghost-Breaker. I admit part of what interests me about this is that it’s not hard to see the premise — Felix the Cat runs across some ghosts, and takes on the job of ridding a farmer’s house of them — and imagine the Fleischer Brothers cartoon that’d be made from it. But Pat Sullivan Cartoon studios made more measured, more orderly cartoons than the Fleischers did, and the plot takes priority over ghost-and-haunting jokes, down to an ending that’s funny for its lack of connection to the plot and for the somewhat-modern pop-culture joke it makes me think of.

Nevertheless, I’m amused by the whole short, partly because I like the rhythms of silent-era cartoons, and the impressive look they have from being done in literally black and white, no greys. The short also features one of the conventions of silent cartoons, that of word balloons popping out of the characters’ mouths, a gimmick that really connects you to the comic strip forebears and that reminds you that comic strips didn’t really get word balloons so they looked right until about the 1940s.

There are also several nicely creepy moments; for my money the best of them is a scene with a skeleton seen in the darkness. Curiously, Felix is almost a passive observer for about two-thirds of the cartoon’s runtime.

How To Write Out Numbers


Here are some rules for writing numbers.

For whole numbers under ten, write them out as words. For ten, 11, and twelve, discuss the matter with your copy editor, engaging in a long-running and frank exchange of typographical views that will, as always, end with at least one of the parties arrested for stuffing a body part into a toaster on the “bagel” setting that is itself stuffed into a composting pit, and might bring in some other parties who will discover they can not believe these other people are allowed to vote or hold sharp objects such as hula hoops. If the argument is not productive enough bring up the matter of zero and what results will surely end with arson. For numbers larger than twelve use digits, as they’re too tedious if given the chance to be words. Exceptions: googol googolplex either neither fimble flumble seizure leisure sixty-four caffeine.

When writing a string of numbers it’s important to alternate between digits and words for clarity, as for example in the famous aircraft being the Boeing “seven40seven” or the less famous aircraft the Boeing “7.thirty.7”. In addition to reading clarity the graphic design potential is powerful, and if you can’t imagine a trendy club writing its address this way you’ve failed graphic design class and probably can’t even recognize Futura when you see it, which doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad person but does mean we’ll have to have someone watching whenever you walk into the campus’s Fine Arts Library.

Percentages should never be referred to in print, as they make the reader suspect this is a word problem and the reader will go off to the bridge column. They may be used in PowerPoint slides only if the percent symbol is animated, rotating around one or two axes but not the third.

Negative numbers require special protection so as not to startle skittish readers. Besides being denoted with a minus sign they should be preceded by a man on foot waving a large red flag, and followed by another man ringing a bell. It is good practice to surround the number in parentheses, in case of spilling, and to be printed in red ink, lest the supply of red ink get noticeably too large. At that, you’ll want to have your copy reviewed by trained professional mathematicians. Do not rely on the untrained kind, as they will try to clean up spilled negative numbers by having them (the numbers) eaten by a goat. Trained professional mathematicians will call in something from accredited accounting ungulates.

Imaginary numbers may be written any old way you like, as the non-mathematical reader thinks you’re just making them up anyway, while the mathematically inclined roll their eyes and sigh knowingly whenever the subject comes up. Really, you probably don’t even have to do that much. Rewrite the sentence to avoid the whole subject, even if you have to change the essay’s subject from the history of polynomials into, oh, lumps of putty.

If you need to pluralize a number go wild and add an apostrophe before the s or es, as in: 7.thirty.7’es. In fact, nobody’s ever lived to regret adding apostrophes where they’re not needed, so, what the heck, toss in something so, like, this year is known as 201’4, or the population of the United States as 317′,84’2,’000. Apostrophes are also cool if you need to omit the part of the number that’s boring. Why not try writing the volume of your refrigerator in cubic inches as 14’82 and leave the reader to work out the omitted numbers for their fun and mental exercise, other than that if the reader finds out where you live they might jab you with an apostrophe in front of the toaster?

Know the difference between ordinal and cardinal numbers! If mixed they will fight until one is stuffed into a toaster and the other sneaks off to make long-distance calls on your land line. In cases of ambiguity remember that cardinal numbers are nearly invariably Rh-positive while ordinal numbers are afraid of bats, owing to the longstanding resentment of ordinal numbers for vampire novels after their manuscripts were rejected.

If you don’t like those rules, try some other ones. That’ll go well.

Expedition Log, Day 1, Day 3: Nothing


11:58 am. Coming to question entire point of expedition. What is the point of discovery? What is the value of exploration? How can traveller’s tales of Upper Fiddled Mewes or the eastern shore of the Pompous Lakes District be relevant to the modern age? Is there a point to continuing, and at that, is there a point to pointedness when life is occupied by a string of suffering that stretches to the indefinite past and to the pointlessness of the future? The Price Is Right ended in a Double Overbid. After enough time spent staring into the void will come the balm of punching a book of Nietzsche.

Total Mileage: 0 (me), 0.001136 miles (book of Nietzsche, would have been farther but it hit the wall; may try again in a larger room).

Georges Melies: Le Diable Noir


For today I’d like to offer another Georges Méliès film, 1905’s Le Diable Noir. Le Diable was probably Méliès’s favorite character, since, toss in the sort of impish devil that his films featured and you have a perfectly sound reason to spend the whole film making stop-motion tricks follow one another. Here, a tenant — I believe it’s Georges Méliès himself — attempts to get to bed and it goes about as well as you might expect. I enjoy this sort of playful demon who’ll do less about inflicting eternal torment and more who’ll make excessively many chairs appear in the room.

The Beatles’ Revolver Hits


The days of the year you’re most likely to hear the various songs from The Beatles’ Revolver on NewsRadio 88 or your equivalent news station:

Song Most Popular Day
Taxman November 15 (Tax Day for procrastinators)
Eleanor Rigby September 24 (Eleanor Day)
I’m Only Sleeping August 8 (Snoopy’s Birthday)
Love You To First Monday after First Tuesday of February (Why Not?)
Here, There and Everywhere October 8 (Dave Barry’s Son’s Birthday)
Yellow Submarine Second Weekend of August (Manasquan, NJ, Big Sea Day)
She Said She Said July 16 (Echo Eve)
Good Day Sunshine Penultimate Tuesday in March (first sunny day of year)
And Your Bird Can Sing May 5 (Bird Morning)
For No One December 2 (Nothing going on)
Doctor Robert October 28 (Robert defends his thesis)
I Want To Tell You Last Sunday before Last Monday in June (Honesty Day)
Got To Get You Into My Life January 14 (National Absorption Of Other Amoebas Day, Amoeba Orthodox calendar)
Tomorrow Never Knows April 16 (better get ready!)

S J Perelman: The Body Beautiful


[ Among The Best Of S J Perelman is this article about the funny things one can find by scrounging around magazines meant for readerships which don’t include you. That’s always been a method of finding comedy, and Perelman even includes a casual mention here about how much work you might have to do in searching for stuff in order to find something that can be used.
]

Sometimes when I have worked for hours in vain over a difficult problem in Baker Street and my keen hawklike profile is drawn with fatigue, I like to take down my Stradivarius, pile it on the fire and curl up with a cop of Hygeia, the monthly magazine published by the American Medical Association. I don’t necessarily have to read it; all I have to do is curl up with it. In a few minutes my pulse becomes normal, my eyes glaze over, and I am ready to do business with the Sandman. I don’t know much about medicine but I know what I like, If the American Medical Association would only put up this magazine in tablet or powder form nobody would ever pass a white night again. Unlike other soporifics, Hygeia does not affect the heart; I have even read a copy without any ill effects other than a feeling of drowsiness the next day. It fulfills every requirement of the United States Pharmacopeia; it is clean, it is fresh every month, and it is standard strength. From the opening essay on flat feet down to the very last article on diabetic muffins, it is a guaranteed yawn from cover to cover.


The one oasis in this Sahara, however, is a sort of outpatient clinic where the layman is allowed to make a fool of himself in full view of the medical profession. I quote at random (random hell, I had to look through nineteen
copies to find it) a letter headed “Synthetic Saliva” appearing in the Q. and A. department of Hygeia:

“To the Editor:— How could saliva be duplicated? Where could the proper materials be secured to duplicate it or nearly so?— H.C.D., Illinois.

Here is a cry from the heart. Obviously some young Frankenstein has built himself a monster or Golem in his spare time out in the woodshed. With infinite labor and utmost secrecy, using bits of wire, tin, old bones and meat, he has created the perfect robot. Suddenly, on the verge of completion, he stops in sudden panic. He has left out saliva. The monster is beginning to growl ominously; he wants what all the other boys on the street have. But do you think the editors of Hygeia care? They fob off H.C.D. (possibly one of the most brilliant inventors of our time) with a few heavy-duty medical words and sink into a complacent snooze, unmindful that a raging monster with a dry mouth may be loose in the Middle West at this very moment. I don’t like to be an alarmist, fellows, but this is a very short-sighted attitude.

No matter how blase they imagine themselves, hypochondriacs from six to sixty will get a deep and ghoulish satisfaction studying the correspondence which appears each month. Those private maladies you have been pruning and transplanting couldn’t possibly compare with the things that bother Hygeia. readers. The pathetic query of J.I.B., Pennsylvania, will illustrate:

“To the Editor:— Is there any danger of contracting radium poisoning from the use of clocks painted with a radium compound; for instance, in case the clock crystal should be broken and the radium compound chipped
off?”

The editors, who pretend to know everything, reply that there is no danger whatsoever. This is pretty cold comfort to a man who probably glows like a Big Ben every time he enters a dark room. However, he might as well stop barking up the wrong tree; he wouldn’t get a civil answer from Hygeia even if he grew a minute hand and sounded the hour and half-hour with a musical chime.

I would like to think that the case of G.S., Ohio, is also one of hypochondria but it has a more ominous ring:

‘To the Editor:— Can the statements contained in a recent daily newspaper that bobbing the hair will cause girls to grow beards be verified? Or is it just a bit of propaganda?”

If that isn’t a tacit admission that Miss G.S. is sporting a grogan or an imperial around Ohio, I knock under. Even if she only thinks she has a beard, I wouldn’t give her house-room; but that is beside the point, as she has not asked me for house-room. She probably has the whole house to herself anyway. Much more understandable is the plight of the frightened Kansan who writes as follows:

“To the Editor:— My students tell me that surgeons have been able to transplant the stomach from an animal, as a calf or a goat, into man. Is this possible?— N.B.Z., Kansas”

I can sympathize with the poor fellow for I, too, get the same sensation when I drink black velvet. Actually, it only feels as if you had changed stomachs with a goat. One morning I even woke up convinced that I had swallowed a marble the night before. To make it worse, a man named Mr. Coffee-Nerves was standing over my bed in a white Prince Albert, helping me to hate myself. I got up and went right through him to the bathroom where I had a long look at my chest. At first I couldn’t tell whether it was a steelie or a bull’s-eye, but it turned out to be a clear glass agate with a little lamb inside. I managed to dissolve my marble with two aspirins in a glass of hot water. But thank God I’m no hypochondriac; you don’t catch me writing letters to the American Medical Association.

For a refreshing contrast to Hygeia, one turns to a live- wire little monthly called Estes Back to Nature Magazine, published at 1 1 3 North LaBrea Avenue, Hollywood, California. Its editor is Dr. St. Louis Estes, who modestly styles himself “Discoverer of Brain Breathing and Dynamic Breath Controls for Disease Prevention and Life Extension, Father and Founder of the Raw Food Movement, and International Authority on Old Age and Raw Foods.” (There is something to write on a library card when they ask you for your occupation.) Cooked vegetables, spices, and hair tonic are poison, says Dr. Estes, and although I have never tried the combination, I can readily believe it. But the Doctor is constructive, and I know no better answer to the cynicism and bigotry of Hygeia than a menu I found in his magazine. It was labelled “A Dinner Fit for a King” and it still haunts me:

“EGG AND FRUIT SOUP: To one quart of milk and one pint of cream, beat in thoroughly four eggs. Use as a filler cubed pineapple, sweeten to taste with honey. Serve in cups like broth.

“MOCK TURKEY-WHITE MEAT: Into one pound of cottage cheese mix and roll equal amount of raw flaked pecans, peanuts and Jordan almonds until it becomes a thick, solid mass. Season to taste with chopped onions, pimientos, green peppers, adding a dash of powdered celery, sage and horseradish. Serve in slices like white meat.

“MAPLE ICE CREAM: To one pint of whipped cream add one pint of pure maple syrup. Whip until thick. Then add the beaten whites of two eggs and one cupful of chopped nuts. Freeze.”

I froze.

Statistics Saturday: Country Populations Versus What I Thought


I confess I’ve gotten a little away from the important business of these statistical reports, that of listing countries of the world. Let me return to that, then, with a brief chart describing the countries of the world and how their population compares to what I thought.

Country Population How That Compares To What I’d Have Guessed
China 1,363,800,000 About Right
India 1,242,620,000 About Right
United States 317,842,000 About Right
Indonesia 247,424,598 About Right
Brazil 201,032,714 Higher
Pakistan 186,134,000 Higher
Nigeria 173,615,000 Higher
Bangladesh 152,518,015 Higher
Russia 146,019,512 Higher
Japan 127,120,000 Lower
Mexico 119,713,203 Higher
Philippines 99,392,700 Higher
Vietnam 89,708,900 Higher
Ethiopia 86,613,986 Higher
Egypt 86,261,500 Higher
Germany 80,716,000 Higher
Iran 77,347,000 Higher
Turkey 76,667,864 Higher
Democratic Republic of the Congo 67,514,000 Higher
Thailand 65,926,261 Higher
France 65,864,000 Lower
United Kingdom 63,705,000 Lower
Italy 60,021,955 Lower
Burma 53,259,000 About Right
South Africa 52,981,991 Higher
South Korea 50,219,669 About Right
Colombia 47,540,000 Higher
Spain 46,609,700 Lower
Ukraine 45,410,071 Higher
Tanzania 44,928,923 Higher
Kenya 44,354,000 Higher
Argentina 40,117,096 Higher
Algeria 38,700,000 Higher
Poland 38,502,396 Higher
Sudan 37,964,000 Higher
Uganda 35,357,000 Higher
Canada 35,344,962 About Right
Iraq 34,035,000 About Right
Morocco 33,225,600 Higher
Peru 30,475,144 Higher
Uzbekistan 30,183,400 Higher
Malaysia 30,071,000 About Right
Saudi Arabia 29,994,272 Higher
Venezuela 28,946,101 About Right
Nepal 26,494,504 Higher
Afghanistan 25,500,100 About Right
Yemen 25,235,000 Higher
North Korea 24,895,000 About Right
Ghana 24,658,823 Higher
Mozambique 23,700,715 Higher
Australia 23,446,084 About Right
Taiwan 23,379,129 Higher
Ivory Coast 23,202,000 Higher
Syria 21,898,000 Higher
Madagascar 21,263,403 Higher
Angola 20,609,294 Higher
Cameroon 20,386,799 Higher
Sri Lanka 20,277,597 About Right
Romania 20,121,641 About Right
Burkina Faso 17,322,796 Higher
Kazakhstan 17,207,000 Higher
Niger 17,129,076 About Right
Netherlands 16,845,600 Lower
Malawi 16,363,000 About Right
Chile 16,341,929 Lower
Guatemala 15,806,675 About Right
Ecuador 15,715,900 Lower
Mali 15,302,000 About Right
Cambodia 15,135,000 Lower
Zambia 14,580,290 Lower
Zimbabwe 12,973,808 Lower
Senegal 12,873,601 About Right
Chad 12,825,000 Lower
South Sudan 11,296,000 About Right
Belgium 11,188,935 Lower
Cuba 11,167,325 Lower
Tunisia 10,886,500 About Right
Guinea 10,824,200 About Right
Greece 10,815,197 Lower
Rwanda 10,537,222 Lower
Czech Republic 10,512,400 Lower
Somalia 10,496,000 About Right
Portugal 10,477,800 Lower
Haiti 10,413,211 About Right
Benin 10,323,000 Higher
Bolivia 10,027,254 Lower
Hungary 9,879,000 Lower
Sweden 9,658,301 Lower
Azerbaijan 9,477,100 About Right
Belarus 9,468,100 Higher
Dominican Republic 9,445,281 Lower
Burundi 9,420,248 About Right
Honduras 8,555,072 Lower
Austria 8,504,850 Lower
United Arab Emirates 8,264,070 Lower
Tajikistan 8,160,000 Higher
Israel 8,157,300 About Right
Switzerland 8,112,200 Lower
Papua New Guinea 7,398,500 About Right
Bulgaria 7,282,041 Lower
Hong Kong (China) 7,219,700 Higher
Serbia 7,181,505 About Right
Paraguay 6,783,374 Lower
Laos 6,580,800 About Right
Jordan 6,568,100 Lower
El Salvador 6,340,000 Lower
Eritrea 6,333,000 Lower
Libya 6,202,000 Lower
Togo 6,191,155 About Right
Sierra Leone 6,190,280 About Right
Nicaragua 6,071,045 Lower
Kyrgyzstan 5,663,133 About Right
Denmark 5,627,235 Lower
Finland 5,453,784 Lower
Slovakia 5,415,949 Lower
Singapore 5,399,200 About Right
Turkmenistan 5,240,000 Lower
Norway 5,109,056 Lower
Lebanon 4,822,000 Lower
Costa Rica 4,667,096 Lower
Central African Republic 4,616,000 Lower
Ireland 4,593,100 Lower
New Zealand 4,522,810 About Right
Georgia 4,483,800 Lower
Republic of the Congo 4,448,000 Lower
Palestine 4,420,549 About Right
Liberia 4,294,000 About Right
Croatia 4,290,612 Lower
Oman 3,992,000 About Right
Bosnia and Herzegovina 3,791,622 About Right
Puerto Rico (USA) 3,615,086 About Right
Moldova 4,062,800 Lower
Mauritania 3,461,041 About Right
Panama 3,405,813 Lower
Uruguay 3,286,314 Lower
Kuwait 3,065,850 Lower
Armenia 3,017,400 Lower
Lithuania 2,941,953 About Right
Mongolia 2,931,300 Lower
Albania 2,821,977 About Right
Jamaica 2,711,476 Higher
Qatar 2,116,400 About Right
Namibia 2,113,077 Lower
Lesotho 2,074,000 About Right
Macedonia 2,062,294 About Right
Slovenia 2,062,227 About Right
Botswana 2,024,904 Lower
Latvia 2,003,900 About Right
Gambia 1,882,450 Lower
Kosovo 1,815,606 Lower
Guinea-Bissau 1,704,000 Lower
Gabon 1,672,000 Lower
Equatorial Guinea 1,622,000 About Right
Trinidad and Tobago 1,328,019 About Right
Estonia 1,311,870 Lower
Mauritius 1,257,900 About Right
Swaziland 1,250,000 About Right
Bahrain 1,234,571 About Right
Timor-Leste 1,066,409 Higher
Djibouti 873,000 About Right
Cyprus 865,878 About Right
Fiji 858,038 Higher
Réunion (France) 840,974 Higher
Guyana 784,894 Higher
Bhutan 746,060 Higher
Comoros 743,798 Higher
Montenegro 620,029 Higher
Macau (China) 607,500 Lower
Solomon Islands 581,344 Lower
Western Sahara 567,000 Lower
Luxembourg 537,000 Lower
Suriname 534,189 About Right
Cape Verde 491,875 About Right
Malta 416,055 About Right
Guadeloupe (France) 405,739 Lower
Brunei 393,162 Lower
Martinique (France) 392,291 About Right
Bahamas 351,461 About Right
Belize 349,728 Lower
Iceland 325,671 Lower
Maldives 317,280 About Right
Barbados 285,000 Lower
French Polynesia (France) 268,270 About Right
Vanuatu 264,652 About Right
New Caledonia (France) 258,958 Higher
French Guiana (France) 237,549 Higher
Mayotte (France) 212,645 About Right
Samoa 187,820 Lower
São Tomé and Príncipe 187,356 Lower
Saint Lucia 180,000 Lower
Guam (USA) 159,358 Lower
Curaçao (Netherlands) 150,563 Lower
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines 109,000 Lower
Kiribati 106,461 About Right
United States Virgin Islands (USA) 106,405 Lower
Grenada 103,328 Lower
Tonga 103,036 About Right
Aruba (Netherlands) 101,484 About Right
Federated States of Micronesia 101,351 About Right
Jersey (UK) 99,000 Lower
Seychelles 90,945 Lower
Antigua and Barbuda 86,295 Lower
Isle of Man (UK) 84,497 Lower
Andorra 76,098 Lower
Dominica 71,293 Lower
Bermuda (UK) 64,237 Lower
Guernsey (UK) 63,085 Lower
Greenland (Denmark) 56,483 Lower
Marshall Islands 56,086 About Right
American Samoa (USA) 55,519 About Right
Cayman Islands (UK) 55,456 About Right
Saint Kitts and Nevis 54,000 About Right
Northern Mariana Islands (USA) 53,883 About Right
Faroe Islands (Denmark) 48,308 About Right
Sint Maarten (Netherlands) 37,429 About Right
Liechtenstein 37,132 Lower
Saint Martin (France) 36,979 Lower
Monaco 36,136 About Right
San Marino 33,549 About Right
Turks and Caicos Islands (UK) 31,458 Lower
Gibraltar (UK) 30,001 Lower
British Virgin Islands (UK) 29,537 Lower
Åland Islands (Finland) 28,502 Lower
Caribbean Netherlands (Netherlands) 23,296 Lower
Palau 20,901 Lower
Cook Islands (NZ) 14,974 Lower
Anguilla (UK) 13,452 Lower
Wallis and Futuna (France) 13,135 Lower
Tuvalu 11,323 Lower
Nauru 9,945 Lower
Saint Barthélemy (France) 8,938 Lower
Saint Pierre and Miquelon (France) 6,081 Lower
Montserrat (UK) 4,922 Lower
Saint Helena, Ascension and Tristan da Cunha (UK) 4,000 About Right
Svalbard and Jan Mayen (Norway) 2,655 Lower
Falkland Islands (UK) 2,563 About Right
Norfolk Island (Australia) 2,302 Lower
Christmas Island (Australia) 2,072 Lower
Niue (NZ) 1,613 Lower
Tokelau (NZ) 1,411 Lower
Vatican City 839 Higher
Cocos (Keeling) Islands (Australia) 596 Lower
Pitcairn Islands (UK) 56 About Right

In conclusion: there are a lot of countries in the world and I somehow had preconceptions about the size of the populations of New Caledonia, Gambia, and Benin, which I only hope hasn’t caused me to make improper policy decisions.

Betty Boop: Crazy Town


For today’s cartoon I’d like to offer something that’s just absurd: the Fleischer studios’ 1932 Betty Boop short Crazy Town. After the handsome opening credits — which include James Culhane, who’s famous in animation circles for doing the “Heigh-Ho” sequence in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and writing (as Shamus Culhane) the classic textbook Animation From Script To Screen; and David Tendlar, who never achieved fame, but who animated for Fleischer Studios/Paramount Studios for decades and then went to Hanna-Barbera, so you’ve seen his work — Betty Boop and Bimbo take the trolley to Crazy Town, a place where pretty much any sight gag the animators could think of gets done. Many of them are simple reversals of expectation, birds that fly under water and fish that swim above, or barbers that make hair grow by cutting it, but that doesn’t infringe on the childish glee that comes from seeing the reversals. And then, of course, things keep getting stranger.

The Record Offensive


I’ve been reading Kenneth Bilby’s biography of David Sarnoff, the pioneer in organizing multinational corporations to enthusiastically crush inventors who foolishly develop critical radio and television technologies, and came across one of those passages in Chapter 7 (“Chapter Seven”) that just captivates a mind like mine:

The tools that [ Sarnoff ] proposed for winning [ the Cold War ] were electronic, to be made available at cost by American manufacturing concerns, led by RCA. Tiny record players, costing less than $1 to manufacture, would be parachuted in clusters inside Russia along with small vinyl records. The recorded messages in Russian would tell the populace that America was their friend and call upon them to overthrow their Marxist masters. [ … ] The idea of parachuted phonographs was dropped as too hazardous, and thus possibly counterproductive.

Imagine the world if come the late 50s RCA had cranked out millions of cheap record players that were parachute-dropped into the Soviet Union, carrying messages of friendship and goodwill and apologies for any record players that hit someone on the head as they landed, which would probably be the counterproductive part. “We love you,” I can picture the recording of President Eisenhower saying, “Sorry about the bumps on the head! Overthrow your masters!” Well, maybe that doesn’t exactly capture Eisenhower’s voice, since he was born in Kansas or something in the late 19th century, where they only used exclamation points for weirdly passionate arguments about silver coinage. So imagine something with those sentiments, then, but expressed using his own punctuation.

Of course, on top of the counterproductivity of bonking Russians on the head with record players of love and rebellion there’s also the potential for retaliation. Surely something fewer than two billion record players could be dropped onto Moscow before the Soviets would decide it’s time to retaliate, and they’d start whipping up their own record players for dropping into Western Europe, increasing the rate of head injury from the Oder to the English Channel, and maybe a bit farther, if the winds are up to it. By 1962 West and East Germany could be covered hip-deep in one-dollar record players, and traffic in anything smaller than a bulldozer would be impossible.

Since by this point it’d be clear the record-player-drop wasn’t working the only thing to do would be to step it up, with even more record players and far more discs plummeting onto the East European Plain when the Central Siberian Plateau turend out to be too hard to find. The President couldn’t possibly have time to record all the messages, and probably wouldn’t even review them after a couple dozen times. The record-makers would start slipping in popular music, comedians, maybe read some stuff from the newspaper they thought was neat and the only people to suspect would be the actual Russians, who, if they understand English, would naturally wonder why the United States was going to all this effort to read them Charles Henry Goren’s columns about playing bridge, or why anyone plays bridge.

To achieve better market saturation bombers would give way to rockets, and by the mid-1960s the Soviets and the Americans would have hundreds of Intercontinental Ballistic Muzak weapons, ready on a moment’s notice to shower the population with enough Ferrante and Teicher to background the world with music twelve times over. The contest would leap inevitably to space, where the first long-playing rockets threaten to light up the entire ionosphere with an inescapable mass of Mexicali Singers, at what risk to the ozone layer we can only imagine. (And none of this even considers how the Non-Aligned Movement might react to a blanketing of Vaughn Meader.) The first men on the Moon could well look back to Earth and remark how from that distance there are no 45’s, no 33 1/3’s, no 78’s, just a universal matrix message of brotherhood.

So aren’t you captivated by this? And yet the real world decided this was maybe one Cold War scheme too many. But that’s probably just as well. If we were making record players for a dollar to parachute onto unsuspecting people, how much would we be spending on the parachutes? I grant a cheap parachute isn’t necessarily a bad one, but, would you want to take that risk?