Pliers, Sure, I Know Plenty of People Regretting their Wanton Plier Purchases


We’ve needed a crescent wrench from time to time. Not too often, I’d say about as often as most people need a crescent wrench. The thing is we haven’t had one, and that’s forced us to non-crescent alternatives, such as using pliers, smacking the thing we needed to wrench with a small blob of a mysterious putty-like substance (which does nothing but feels good, and uses up some of that mysterious putty-like substance), or in extreme cases, lying down in the street and waiting for traffic to run us over rather than deal with the wrench problem.

Anyway, my beloved was at the hardware store and, having had enough of this, bought a three-pack of wrenches: one medium, one large, and one chipotle extra-crispy. And now is worried that we have too many crescent wrenches. “Fear not,” I said, “nobody has ever woken in the middle of the night and cried out `We are ruined! We have too many crescent wrenches!”’ So that’s largely settled the matter.

Except. How the heck do I know something like that? The world is big and complicated and all the more so when you’re trying to get to sleep. How can I fairly claim that nobody has been so busy with crescent wrenches that it hasn’t destroyed other, non-wrench-based, aspects of their lives? I feel like I’ve been cheating to speak with such confidence.

Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

8 thoughts on “Pliers, Sure, I Know Plenty of People Regretting their Wanton Plier Purchases”

    1. Very glad to hear that. I admit I’m a little worried now people might start wondering if they have too many wrenches now that they’re looking for excess crescent wrench capacity.

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  1. What the world never has enough of is “ignition pliers.”

    Seriously, never see them in stores. Inherited a perfect tiny one from my grandfather and it’s the most useful tool I’ll never be able to replace. For some reason every single new “mini tool assortment” just includes some other random thing instead.

    And it seems that most new ones that could be mail-ordered for infinite dollars are missing that sort of ‘drilled hole’ just behind the beak that gives you the perfect lip for bending or crimping things.

    You have enough crescent wrenches. You do not have enough ignition pliers.

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    1. Oh, hang on, we’ve got a couple of those. One in the basket in the basement and one in the scary drawer in the kitchen full of we don’t really know what because trying to inventory it proves the futility of understanding complicated systems like kitchen drawers.

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