The Future Will Really Arrive When We Don’t Have To Do Odds And Evens Anymore


So if you’re like me you got around to thinking about rock-paper-scissors, because you saw somebody wearing a Big Bang Theory-inspired T-shirt reading rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock and were trying to remember how the rules to that went, only to remember that while you kind of respect The Big Bang Theory for getting its nerd jokes accurate you also feel a kind of vague dissatisfaction whenever the show comes on, or up, the kind that inspires you to take the broom out and start a sweeping project that might reach as many as four houses up the street before the energy burns out. I might be over-generalizing from my experience.

But what I was thinking particularly about it is there’s a robot out there that’s able to reliably win rock-paper-scissors contests. And I mean really, seriously win, beating even champion rock-paper-scissors players, the kind of people who insist they’re champion roshambo players because when they tell people they’re champion rock-paper-scissors players they get all kinds of snarky resistance. “Oh yeah,” they hear, “and I knew a guy in college who was one of the world’s top coin-flippers.” “Shut up,” they answer, and start to explain the details of human psychology and discerning choice patterns which lend themselves to long-term strategic insights, and the conversation soon passes the “nuh-uh” phase and turns into a brawl. By using a more obscure word everyone enjoys a more peaceful existence, as it’s easier to get along than admit you don’t know what someone is talking about, and when you think about it this explains about twenty-two percent of all human interactions.

The idea that a robot can now reliably beat humans at rock-paper-scissors suggests there’s been a real breakthrough in getting robots to fritter away time. Someday humans might be able to let robots do all manner of minor and marginally useful selection tasks, like one-potato-two or settling shotgun disputes ahead of a trip to PathMark, or maybe checking if PathMark is still a thing that exists and replacing it with, I don’t know, A & P if it doesn’t.

Then we might see robots finally come to their potential of saving us from the minor tasks that, if we really thought about them, we’d realize we don’t need to do. They might sneer for us at the satellite TV descriptions of shows on the channels we don’t watch, or maybe take over the whole of playing hopscotch. The savings in excessively minor time-consuming tasks would compare favorably to the time which would be saved if you never accidentally put your socks on inside-out ever again.

At least, that’s the promise you might think this all has if you don’t know how the rock-paper-scissors robot works. The reason it can beat anyone is it watches the human’s hand, and it can tell the difference between the first fractions of a second of throwing rock, or paper, or scissors, and then picks what it throws. In short, it succeeds by cheating. I’m not sure “cheating robot” is really that big a breakthrough in robot technology. The artificial intelligences behind Civilization games have been cheating for years because there’s no way the Aztecs build Michelangelo’s Cathedral right from under me, and the only thing you’d gain by putting a robot in to cheat at Civilization is you could punch it.

But that overlooks the interesting part, which is that a robot can now figure out in fractions of a second which of three ways you might extend fingers. Surely in time the computer will be able to figure out dozens, maybe hundreds of potential hand signs, each linked to some desirable behavior like “turn up the music” or “change the channel to something more sneer-worthy” or “order an appliance to send information over the Internet”, and they’ll be able to follow those directions before you even finish making the hand sign. By 2025 we could see the average home become a haven of quiet as everyone sits on top of their hands in the middle of an empty room, feeling too nervous to even twitch, because last time they sneezed and ineptly covered their mouth, then tried to shake it off, they ordered services from three online companies and sent a panic alert to the Coast Guard, and they don’t dare start that trouble again. Thus, as ever, does rock-paper-scissors bring life to a Ballardian nightmare. Can’t wait.

Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

5 thoughts on “The Future Will Really Arrive When We Don’t Have To Do Odds And Evens Anymore”

  1. So, they built a quick-draw robot. Yee, and I might add, Haw. This doesn’t impress me. When they invent a robot who can predictably get laid, NOW you’ve got something to write Scientific American about. Not to mention GQ.

    I stopped watching Big Bang last year and it was a tearful good-bye. What had started so hopefully with a pilot episode featuring the Double Slit Experiment has disintegrated into tired sex jokes, thinly veiled misogyny, and homophobic double entendres. What, are they farming the writing out to a frat house?

    What happened to the science? It’s nothing but a creative back drop to the predictably abusive relationships now, just a way to decorate the apartment to distinguish it from every other sitcom. Occasionally, they lean on it as a launching pad (pun intended) for new plot ideas or to inject a cameo appearance here and there by some hapless scientist. (DeGrasse Tyson, you attention whore.) But the most the public has learned from BBT lately is that it’s still okay to laugh at geeks, gamers, and the obese.

    This is sad considering the gold mine of acting talent they have at their disposal, not to mention the scientific discoveries that are dawning right and left that they could riff off. I guess it comes down to ratings; there’s a hell of a lot more horny twenty-something idiots to entertain than there are lovers of science to honor.

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    1. I’ve never been able to fault The Big Bang Theory for its acting or for its attention to nerd details. I do think it’s likely to make a joke better if the details are correct, even when they don’t honestly matter, as it adds a certain heft to the gag.

      But I’ve never found the show all that interesting and I’m not sure it’s just that the characters are treated meanly. There’s few shows that don’t treat at least some characters badly, after all, and one of my favorites is Community in which the basic template for an episode is the gang being viciously cruel to one another before they realize they’re doing it. Ultimately, really, it’s just not my thing.

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      1. People treating people badly is not entertainment to me. Why would I want to voluntarily expose myself to behavior I spend the rest of the day working to avoid? Makes no sense.

        I’m sticking to nature documentaries. Right now, in honor of summer, it’s tornado footage on YouTube. I can storm chase for hours without spending a penny on gas. Awesome.

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        1. That’s a fair general rule, but it seems a little broad to me. I’d hate, for example, to have to deal with any of the characters in Father Ted, and would be ready to chew my own leg off to escape a room where I had to be with them; but catching any episode would be a highlight of that particular month. For that matter, imagine being any person with dignity who has to be around a Three Stooge. There’s something more than just “are the characters being unpleasant” at work in whether something’s watchably funny. (And I admit that these particular examples may not work for you, but I could find a good list of characters I find funny even though their behavior is horrible.)

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