How I Annoy Squirrels

We’ve got a bunch of planters around the yard, since this is a good way to get a little extra soil space for growing carrots or flowers or those slightly smelly plants that our pet rabbit likes to eat, and they turn out to be a little more fun as the early stages of fall set in because of the squirrels that hop into the planters, sniff around the soil, determine that it won’t do for their various squirrel-related needs, and hop off again to chase off other squirrels who’re also examining the planters.

This week with winter setting in abruptly — last night the xenon condensed out of the atmosphere, which would cover the land with a thin layer of a mysterious lavender film if we hadn’t sold off all the xenon rights to some mysterious Dutch pinball manufacturer years ago — and I had to go about moving the planters inside so the cycle of freezing and thawing that we dearly hope develops at some point this winter won’t go cracking them.

I knew this wouldn’t be popular with the squirrels, who were busy staring angrily at me through all this, but I didn’t realize the red squirrel was going to give me the “got my eyes on you” gesture. I kind of hope that all us humans look alike to the red squirrels so there’s only a one in seven billion chance he exacts his vengeance on me. (Or her vengeance. I suppose something like half of red squirrels have to be female.)


Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

7 thoughts on “How I Annoy Squirrels”

  1. They hate you because they bury their winter cache of nuts in the soft soil of your planters. You have effectively put the cookies up on a high shelf away from the children. Just pray the children don’t revolt.


    1. Oh, you have no idea the kinds of troubles I can have with rebelling squirrels. But not to worry about the planters; it turns out that squirrels actually do a lot of digging around and faking the planting of their winter nuts, in the hopes of fooling other squirrels about where they plant their supplies. It turns out the most recent documented instance of a squirrel actually, as opposed to pretending to, buy a nut in this state was in the late summer of 1965(!), and squirrels have been relying on direct deposit ever since.


      1. LOL! If only it were just the squirrels.

        I got crows who like to pick up food scraps around the neighborhood and drop ’em in my bird bath to soften ’em up or something before consumption. Except they haven’t figured out yet that bread just breaks down into a putrid, stinking gluten ooze when it hits a dish of bird spit. Like the squirrels, they often return to the scene of their crime to find nothing to nosh.

        So, you can imagine the romantic winter scene out my back window. Damnit.


        1. Aw, that is a shame. We don’t get crows, at least not to speak of, although we do have a fair number of blue jays that hang out near the bird feeder. That’s far enough from the pond that they don’t seem to bother bringing anything over, and even if they did, the pond is big enough to soak up bread anyway.


  2. My neighbor gets obsessed with squirrels running around his property,he catches them in have-a-heart traps and drives them over to a local cemetery to release them.When confronted with the possibility that he’s just recatching and re-releasing the same squirrels over and over again. His solution was to find a nontoxic dye or spray paint and color the squirrel’s tails while in the traps. As far as I know he hasn’t acted on this plan yet. As you can imagine I’m of mixed emotions about this, while on the one hand I’m completely against the spray painting of wildlife, I can’t help but think of the fun local newscasters would have once mysterious multicolored squirrels start getting spotted in the neighborhood.


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