I stand at the brink of the Home Decorations aisles at Meijer’s. Amongst the printed posters, ready for hanging in no home I have ever seen, is this holiday imperative: “Don’t Get Your Tinsel In A Tangle”. I stare at it. I try parsing the instruction. I can tolerate a reasonable level of twee; I’ve read some of the later Wizard of Oz books for crying out loud. But I try imagining the person who sees this and figures it’s exactly what he needs to Christmas up his home a little. I get lost, wondering if I can be even the same species as such a person. I start to have that sensation of feeling lost and bewildered and kind of like when I’m in Best Buy with a $5 gift certificate that’s expiring next week and there isn’t a single thing even remotely tempting to buy, even including USB plugs to connect to strange and obscure mini or micro USB devices.
Finally an associate comes over, and gently guides me to the Pet Care section, where I’ll be some other associate’s responsibility, and I can try to work myself back to normality by comparing the English and Spanish instructions on small-animal bedding material.
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When my sick mind hears “Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle,” I immediately think, “But aren’t most women getting Brazilians now?”
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Well, that just makes it even stranger that this sign was offered at Meijer’s.
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I dunno, some of those stores closer to downtown seem kinda sketchy.
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Wait till they get through the upgrade program. You won’t even recognize the stores, which has caused me to wander helplessly through the car parts or the women’s garments sections while trying to find if they still sell mouthwash or British candy bars.
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Our Krogers did that, then hung helpful directional signs at each end of their endless aisles to tell you what was in them.
Problem was, the list at one end was different than the one at the other, only mentioning what at that END of the aisle.
It’s been six months and even the employees are still memorizing the damned place.
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Oh yes, we’ve got that too. Although I’ve found the maps that lay out the sections of the store, like, “Food”, which is not very specific advice but it’s nice to have something nailed down for certain.
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Wow, you’re lucky. At the Meijer here, associates in departments are like leprachauns. You hear some people say they exist and you think you may have seen one once but good luck finding one.
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Oh, the Meijer’s here is pretty good about having associates pop in just often enough to trigger my fear of being noticed by sales associates. The ones at the store I go to most often I think are even recognizing that if they approach too closely I’ll flee, climbing structural support columns if need be, like a startled raccoon escaping a cougar.
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