On The Perfect Gift


I’ve been struggling with the gift-giving equivalent of writer’s block this season. I found stuff to give people, understand. It was just nothing inspired. And then I realized what everybody really wants anymore. We want things that don’t make life more difficult, especially when they break. If they do a thing, they should do it without a hassle. If they stop doing that thing, they should stop doing it in a way that we don’t care about. Ideally, you don’t have to register the new item, and no company should be asking you to have an opinion about it.

So this is all to explain why everybody’s getting chunks of pyrite from me this year. They’re lumps of matter, and as such will continue to be lumps of matter unless proton decay is a thing. If proton decay is a thing we won’t notice for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years. By that time there’ll probably have been a garage sale. The chunks of pyrite are shiny in parts. My siblings’ children can throw the chunks of pyrite at other children. And someday, they (the chunks of pyrite) can be thrown out.

And they’re even low-stress when you throw them out. They need no special disposal. If you just throw them out the window, that’s fine. They’re rocks. They belong outside. Just don’t hit anybody or anything breakable. That would add hassle to somebody else’s life, which they would bring back to yours. So this is as perfect a gift as it’s possible to give. I recommend chunks of pyrite to anyone else having gift-givers’ block.

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Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there.

4 thoughts on “On The Perfect Gift”

  1. As I recall, pyrite is fool’s gold, which is sort of like counterfeit money, except you can’t arrest Mother Nature for making it. Besides, Mother Nature made pyrite (and gold) long before man came up with the idea of money, and, in any case, it’s man who puts arbitrary values on them….so don’t fool with Mother Nature!

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    1. Pyrite is fool’s gold, yes, and it is indeed nature’s work. It’s actually made by bacteria, and they’ll create these raspberry-like nodes called framboid. There might be more framboids on Earth than there are stars in the universe, which is a staggering thing to consider.

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