Rob Schneider’s The Animal Or Something

Drawn from Wikipedia’s description of the plot to the 2001 Rob Schneider movie The Animal, an 83-minute movie I never saw with a plot summary 719 words long that I never read before, with the words ‘or something’ suffixed to every sentence. Inspired again by my love.

Marvin Mange (Rob Schneider) is an awkward, clumsy nice-guy who dreams of being a police officer like his dad was or something. He continuously attempts to pass the physical test to become a full-fledged police officer, but he just can’t seem to finish the obstacle course or something. Marvin gets constantly mistreated by Sargent Sisk (John C McGinley) or something.

One day, while alone at the station, he receives a robbery call or something. With all of the real policemen out at a softball game, Marvin rushes to the scene or something. Along the way, he swerves to avoid a seal in the road and crashes over a cliff or something. He is critically injured, but is rescued by Dr Wilder (Michael Caton), a mad scientist who puts Marvin back together using animal parts or something.

Days later, Marvin returns to his normal life with no memory of what had happened or something. Suddenly, he’s full of life or something. He can outrun horses, mean dogs are now scared of him, and he doesn’t need his asthma medicine or something. He thinks it’s due to his late-night TV purchase of “Badger Milk”, which is guaranteed in the ads to make him stronger or something.

One day at the park, Marvin meets Rianna (Colleen Haskell) while she’s out walking dogs or something. His animal-like tendencies are slowly taking him over or something. When a frisbee is thrown in his direction, he can’t control himself, and he jumps to catch it in his mouth or something.

He goes to the airport to talk to his friend, Miles the security guard (Guy Torry) about his problem or something. While there, Marvin sniffs out a man trying to hide heroin in his rectum or something. For uncovering a drug smuggler, Marvin is declared a hero and is made a full-fledged police officer or something.

As days go by, Marvin’s animal instincts are becoming stronger or something. He often wakes up in strange places, and subsequently, hears about animal attacks that occurred in the middle of the night or something. Because of these attacks, Dr Wilder believes that Marvin is out of control or something. The mad scientist confronts him, takes him to his laboratory, and explains about the grafts and transplants that saved and changed Marvin’s life, and gave him remarkable animal powers with certain problem side effects or something.

Later at a party thrown by the Mayor (Scott Wilson) Marvin chases after a cat and destroys everything around him and is fired on the spot or something. During his reprimand, he hears something, jumps into the nearby lake and rescues the mayor’s son using powers derived from a sea lion and a dolphin or something. He is swiftly reinstated or something.

Chief Wilson (Ed Asner) questions Marvin about the late-night attacks on farm animals, because one of witnesses made a police sketch—and it looks like Marvin or something.

Rianna goes to Marvin’s house, where he has barricaded himself inside or something. They spend the night together, but Marvin wants to be tied up so he can’t hurt anyone anymore or something. In the morning, he finds himself untied, courtesy of Rianna or something. Suddenly, the police show up outside or something. Another attack had happened that night, and the police have come for Marvin or something. Rianna convinces him to run or something.

Marvin escapes to the woods, where a huge chase ensues or something. The police have organized an angry mob into a search party to catch Marvin or something. While running through the woods, Marvin finds Dr Wilder or something. The scientist tells him that there was another “patient” of his that is out of control, and he is in the woods looking for it or something.

Sergeant Sisk confronts Marvin, and is about to shoot him or something. Suddenly, the other “animal’ jumps from a tree and knocks Sisk down or something. The beast is Rianna or something. Now, the crowd finds them both together but Miles is there, and takes the blame for everything or something. He has been claiming that there is reverse discrimination with him since he’s black, and that no one wants to hold him accountable for anything or something. Sure enough, once the mob thinks a black man was responsible, they don’t care anymore, and leave or something.

Marvin and Rianna get married, and have a litter of children that each look like Marvin or something. While watching television, they see Dr Wilder win the Nobel Prize or something. He says he owes it all to his fiancée, who is the same woman from the Badger Milk commercial or something. When she turns around to kiss him, there are large scars shown on her back, implying that Wilder performed the experiment on her as well or something.

Snarker’s note: wait, what the heck with that penultimate paragraph? Seriously? The heck? I mean, what the heck? Seriously?


Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there.

2 thoughts on “Rob Schneider’s The Animal Or Something”

    1. That must hurt. I admit not thinking anything about the movie because, well, I saw posters advertising it and figured it wasn’t my thing. Reading the plot summary was just so many jaw-dropping moments after the other … I mean, doesn’t it seem like this has a lot of story for Rob Schneider to act like a parrot or something?


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