A Very Momentary Last Thought About The Leaves


I was thinking hard, as hard as reasonable, about the problem of the leaf-bootleggers clearing out our yard. Then I got distracted by wondering … uh … hang on, it was right here. It was something stupid. Oh yeah, that’s it. I got to wondering whether the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a species of land or of sea turtle. It must be on a fan wiki somewhere. And just think of the Discussion Page behind it. What if they’re an invasive species? Wouldn’t that be kind of fun in that obscure scientific-fact way? Well, maybe only to me. Also, I am still not reading about the history of socks.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

Four points! We’re up four points! The traders take back everything they said about lower numbers being better because up is definitely the way to go and they’re looking ahead to 98 or even 102 in the near future!

94

Statistics Saturday: Major League Baseball Pennants, By League


National League, 140; American League, 115.
As of 2016. Not counted: the Players League, Union League, American Association, and National Association, because come on.

Also omitted: my curious belief that it ought to be “penants” even though that doesn’t look right either.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

Index traders wish to remind you that their hypothesis about lower numbers being better has not yet been refuted by anyone and the embarrassed silence among you doubters is starting to show.

90

But Also About Those Missing Leaves


But if we are being visited by leaf bootleggers who’re running what should be covering our yard down to other states, when are they doing it? They can’t be doing it in the day. I’m usually in the dining room and I’d see them out the back window, or out the front window. Not right away, all right. But eventually. There’s no hiding that stuff forever unless they spend the whole operation crouching down. Not at night either, though. We stay up late and we’d see somebody stumbling around. We’ve got one of those side door lights that are supposed to light up when someone approaches the side door, and instead lights up as soon as you give up on getting some light out there. They’d be hit by that as soon as they got out of range of the side door light sensor. Are they waiting for when we happen to be away? I guess they could do that but it’s hardly a reliable business model. It’s getting more mysterious.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The Another Blog, Meanwhile index was unchanged over the day. Analysts did send Steve down about 2:30 to tap on it and make sure the gauge wasn’t simply stuck. It wasn’t. “This is a complicated stuck if it’s any sort of stuck I’ve ever seen,” said Steve. “And I know complicated stucks, as I took a seminar course in grad school about how to tell simple stucks from complicated stucks. I got a B+ and a note I should’ve spoken up more,” he added, padding his part.

91

On Not Having Any Idea What To Dress As For Halloween


I stand in the midst of the Halloween store, trapped.

It’s one of those temporary stores, of course. What strip mall, however luxurious, could support having a Halloween store all the year round? With the collapse in the costume rental industry after that time in 2011 someone spread a rumor Netflix was opening a line of costume distribution by mail, anyway? OK, there was that spot in Worthington, Ohio, that had one going in May. But that was probably a fluke. They weren’t there the next year. Maybe they were just having too much fun selling fangs to stop that one time.

But what to buy? What to wear? What to go as for Halloween?

Halloween should be a great Halloween for me. There’s all kinds of things it’d be more fun to be than me. Someone who knows what to dress as for Halloween, for example. Or someone really confident wearing costumes for the sort of stuff I might be doing on a Monday, like going to the bagel place for lunch and reading the alt-weekly there.

My unsureness about what to dress as for Halloween goes way back. I think it does. I’m embarrassed to admit I don’t remember a lot of the costumes I wore for Halloween as a kid. I don’t think we made very many of them ourselves, because there were four kids in the household and my parents had a limit to how much time they were willing to spend collecting parts and sewing stuff so that we could dress up as something called an “Artoo” for three hours. Even if they got pictures.

I should explain this was the late 70s and early 80s, when photographs were something that took effort. You had to find that weird little camera that looked like a harmonica, and find where that flash bulb plug-in was, and find that it was totally spent. Then you had to wait to get to the store and buy a replacement. That would give you four or maybe eight flashes, good for up to six pictures. And then you could get the photos developed by driving around until you saw a teeny tiny little bitty house sitting in the middle of a parking lot. Then Mom drives up next to it, gives a roll of film, and then sometime later gets back dark, blurry pictures out of focus that clearly show some figures in the state’s fourth-place finalist, Most 1974 Kitchen Ever Contest. The one wearing the worst imaginable outfit in the picture? That’s me. And then we lose the photos in a minor basement flood. So it’s hard to tell what I was wearing back then.

At least a couple years we went to the Toys R Us and bought those licensed figure packages. You know the ones. You get a plastic face mask with eyes that don’t line up for some figure like The Incredible Hulk and then a T-shirt showing The Incredible Hulk going off and lacking credibility. It’s a surprisingly old model of costume, going back to the ancient Greeks and the year everyone went as Narcissus. People loved that outfit, especially Narcissus. But the costume industry learned the wrong lesson from that and figured we wanted to go as people who were fans of themselves. That breaks down when you’re someone like me who isn’t sure he can even be a fan of someone with enough self-esteem to be a fan of themselves. What you’d get is maybe me going out as The Incredible Hulk I Guess, if he wanted people to think he was always thinking about The Incredible Hulk while being confused and faintly disappointed in what I’m doing. I’m confused and faintly disappointed in what I’m doing all year anyway, so the costume always felt a bit hollow.

One year we got a new washing machine, and I seized on my rights as the eldest to claim it for myself. And I also grabbed as much aluminum foil as I felt like I could get away with. So I know one year I went as the ever-popular Kid In A New Washing Machine’s Box Wrapped In Aluminum Foil. I think it technically qualified as a robot costume. It taught me many things, like how I should have cut arm holes, and that absolutely nobody in the neighborhood would get that they would “input” candy to the big slot labelled “input candy”.

Then we moved, to a new neighborhood where they didn’t much like kids, and even if they did the neighbors didn’t much like us. And then I got into high school and even if I were invited to costume parties it was very important I spend every night watching The Wrath of Khan on videotape. In college it was more important I write incredibly detailed reports of what the student government was up to for the unread leftist weekly paper. It’s only the last few years I’ve tried getting into costumes again.

I grab a $4 raccoon mask and hope things will work out all right.

Me, wearing a raccoon mask, standing in front of our Tri-Zone pinball machine.
The weird part is that my natural beard hair looks like the mask’s grey fur. It’s a little unsettling.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

Index traders would like to ask just how you know that bigger numbers for it are better? What if a lower number is better and then being down below 90 would be way better than being up above 140? Golf works like that, so why can’t the Another Blog, Meanwhile index? Huh? Is your mind blown yet?

91

Suddenly Clickbait Gets Me Worried


So then I saw this ad.

Picture of a guy standing in a cemetery with the headline 'Surprising Look At Who's Going Bankrupt In America'

Um … who … uh … is it dead people? Dead people are going bankrupt at surprising rates? What rate of dead-person bankruptcy wouldn’t be surprising? I mean, dead people may have few expenses but they’ve got no income and over a long enough time, you know, these things add up. Or is it cemetery caretakers? Maybe … groundskeepers who look kind of like they’re wearing a Post Office shirt? I’m confused by all this.

Well, meanwhile, my mathematics blog has some more comic strips to talk about. And also remember last week I wrote about conspiracy theories and this one where the Illuminati had Whitney Houston killed? I’m not saying this Vulture article was a coincidence, but when’s the last time you saw a mention of Whitney Houston an the Illuminati in the same essay? Just linking.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

Traders don’t see what’s so funny about this after the index lost another five points overnight when they were being so reasonable about it all..

90

Leaf Shortage Continues


Again I’m not angry that we haven’t got nearly as many leaves in the yard as we’d expect for this time of year. It’s better than that year we had so many leaves that we overloaded the garbage truck’s ability to carry them away. We had to take extraordinary steps, bringing buckets of leaves to abandon behind the Kroger, carrying extra leaves in our pockets to drop on the floor at work, compressing piles of leaves into a pancake-like matter that we sold at the farmer’s market until they found out what “stroopwafel” was supposed to be and chased us out with rakes. In comparison this is great stuff.

I’m just — you know, I hesitate saying this lest I sound daft. But is it possible that we’re being victimized here? Like, how do I know there’s not someone coming in and bootlegging our leaves, swiping the bounty of our trees and running them down to some fallen-leaf-deprived area? And I’m not annoyed so much that someone might be stealing our leaves, since we weren’t doing anything with them anyway. It hurts to lose a bit of a revenue stream but I’ll admit we don’t really need what we might get from joining the legitimate maple-leaves-to-Florida network. But not being asked, that’s offensive.

So this is a long shot, but hey, if you’re the leaf bootlegger swiping them from our yard? Come clean. It’s all right if you keep taking them, we just want to know about it. Doing it ethically has value.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index dropped six points over the day. Traders have come out onto the street to admit they were maybe getting a little smug about getting back over 100 and fine, but don’t we all occasionally say something a little more optimistic than we should? Anyway they’re all very sorry and they understand they were getting to be a bit much and they hope we can put this behind everyone and go back to big, high numbers again soon.

95

Meanwhile In The Archie Newspaper Comic Strip, Which Exists


There’s an Archie comic strip. It doesn’t showcase the parts of the Archie franchise that interested the young me, which would be when the did a side-universe adventure where they were all superheroes or Swinging Sixties Spies or robots in the future or stuff. It’s just the ordinary old universe where they’re teens in high school and I guess that’s OK. The comic strip’s been running since 1947, with the current offerings written and illustrated by Craig Boldman and Henry Scarpelli. Boldman stopped writing the strip in 2011, and Scarpelli died in 2010, so as you might figure the strip’s lost a certain timeliness, so far as that exists in the Archie plain-vanilla universe. Mostly they’ve just printed reruns. But occasionally they update an old strip and here’s today’s.

'What would you do in the event of a zombie apocalypse', Miss Grundy asks her students, because that is totally a thing that would naturally come up in class. Jughead figures he's got a stack of comic books ready in case the cable goes out.
Henry Scarpelli and Craig Boldman’s Archie from the 24th of October, 2016, and — just maybe — perhaps — a rewritten version of something that appeared maybe sometime around late 1999? If that doesn’t sound like a crazy idea? Oh, man, I know you’re looking to me like the spikey-haired guy sitting behind Jughead in the last panel there, aren’t you? Have I said too much? Also, like, what class does Miss Grundy teach that preparing for a zombie apocalypse is part of the curriculum?

If you gave me 2,000 years to guess I couldn’t say what possible upcoming future maybe-disaster Miss Grundy might have originally asked her students about. But I am delighted by this. Some poor soul at Creators.com who never asked for this job but knew how to use the Generic Comic Strip Word Balloon font in Photoshop thought hard about the best “plausibly imminent disaster people should maybe be ready for” and picked out “zombie apocalypse”. It’s delightful.

And yes, I know, the Archie comic books have a side universe where Riverdale’s been hit by the Zombie Apocalypse and I suppose that’s probably fun if you like parts of zombie apocalypses that aren’t just The Walking Dead pinball machine. Haven’t got to it myself.

Anyway, over on my mathematics blog I talk about other comic strips. No zombies, no Archie, but I do get to talk about the Law of Cosines.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The Another Blog, Meanwhile index rose four points over the day’s trading and is feeling pretty darned good overall. Oh, they admit, it’s not as good as it could be, with numbers like 102 or 104 or even 152 out there. But when you consider the alternative was something like 97? Well! So most everyone’s pretty happy over here on the trading floor.

101

In Which I Probably Just Stir Up Trouble


I know this will get me in trouble but I have to say something. It’s fall here. That’s not the part I expect to get in trouble about. The problem is the leaves. There’s leaves falling all around the neighborhood in about the right amounts. Three houses up the street the leaves are a tidal pool eight feet deep, rustling only as someone drives the car to the detached garage, with tethered rowboats bringing people from the garage to the main house. It’s like that all around. Except at our house, and the neighbor’s. Here we’ve just got little scatterings of leaves, not even enough to run the lawn mower over. I don’t know where the leaves are and why they’re not here. But I know this isn’t going to last either. It’s ominous, that’s what it is.

A couple leaves in the yard.
Our yard, as of Saturday afternoon. Not depicted: the red squirrel who’s always berating the trees and other squirrels and bird feeder and all that because the red squirrel mostly keeps to the backyard. When he’s out in the front yard it’s because something is really, really screwed up, such as there’s someone rolling the trash bins out.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index dropped to an all-time low of 97 today and traders do NOT want to talk about it. They’re all grousing and grumbling and saying the whole thing was the stupidest idea they ever had. And they do NOT WANT TO HEAR about how there’s always a turnaround and things change and all the people who shorted are feeling pretty smug. One guy slugged someone who just said the word “short” and they were talking about stacks of pancakes. It’s pretty nasty out there.

97

Statistics Saturday: Text Messages Received On My Cell Phone


Loved one travelling by airplane/ Siblings razzing me for finally answering/ Spam/ Password resets/ Unread ancient messages. Mostly.
Also for some reason my phone wants me to delete old messages lest I have more than 255 of them, so I had to go picking out what to safely erase, seven years after I got the phone.

I don’t know how I ever lived without it.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index is not trying to get all smug or anything but would like everyone to notice how it gained nine points. Trading was described as “brisk”, “light”, “grimy”, “creaky”, “tense”, or “numerous”, based on where in the list of officially approved adjectives the person asked had gotten. It sounds like they’re not taking the question seriously. Still, 113, hey there.

113

The Hardware Store, A Play In Three Scenes


4:23. I stride confidently into the Great Lakes ACE Hardware store. I know what I need. It’s an O-Ring for the plastic watering tank we’re hoping to keep goldfish in this winter. I have the plastic plug we’ll be using to stop up the drain. Past conversations with our goldfish indicate they’d much rather the water didn’t drain at all, but if it must drain, it should drain as nothing as possible. I just need to find the small circles of rubber somewhere in the hardware store.

4:29. An employee tells me I’ll find it “just behind you”. I haven’t told the employee what I need. It’s not just behind me.

4:31. I ask the employee where the 1 1/4-inch O-rings are. They were the next row over. 65 cents per. I buy one and leave without asking what the employe thought I was looking for that was just behind me.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index held steady today as traders worried they might have been spotted by a predator, possibly a lion or a pack of hyenas. This defensive posture left them well-poised to leap for the emergency exits or the pretzel stand in the corner should the need arise. It has not — yet.

104

The Triangle Code


My love and I were talking about the Pythagoreans because that’s the kind of people we are. Also because the Pythagoreans are interesting. They have that mix of philosophical and mathematical ideas fused into something too nutty for Ancient Greece to put up with. It’s hard to be sure we know much about the Pythagoreans that’s true and not the result of people making fun of them.

Thing is, Pythagoras must have had something going for him. Remember, he was able to tell people he could write on the moon, appear in many places at once, and show off a golden thigh in the Olympics. And he still got followers. Most of us couldn’t lie about our cell phone’s camera resolution and get anyone to believe it. Maybe he was just that charismatic; maybe he had a good organization behind him.

There’s stories that Pythagoras had children. Maybe that’s a pious myth from his followers, attributing all the cult’s children to him. Maybe he figured he had a mass of children inside the Sun. Maybe he actually did, though. Maybe there’s, even now, people directly descended from Pythagoras out there. What’s got me is that after Pythagoras’s cult got broken up, possibly by running them into beans, that’s the last we hear of them. There’s no sad little attempt to put the gang back together led by his son or some fan who figured the thing just needed better presentation. It’s just gone.

Or is it? What if the Pythagoreans just went underground, building their number in the strictest of secrecy? And then working to alter the world to their liking? They might pull stunts like rejiggering the way we write numbers so that it’s based on “ten” or pushing the idea that the planets move around the sun. We realized we’ve got the seeds here for a nice and stupid Dan Brown-esque novel here. And every time we need comic relief just stuff in one of those stories people keep telling about the Pythagoreans.

This got me thinking about conspiracy theories. Why do people like secret-masters-of-the-world conspiracy theories? The traditional answer is that the world is big and scary and looks crazy most of the time. But if some secret organization is manipulating everything to their benefit, well, all right. It may make no sense but at least there’s some plan behind it all.

A couple months back I heard of a conspiracy theory behind Whitney Houston’s death. Apparently she said something about the Illuminati while appearing on Ellen and they got her for it. And that’s got me wondering. Suppose the theory’s true. That implies someone found the Illuminati and thought joining the secret rulers of the world was a great idea. And the guy went through the intense screening and interview process. Think what his résumé must have looked like. Think of his getting letters of reference from imaginary people so far as anyone can prove. The guy showed up for the first day of Illuminati work — imagine what the paperwork is like! — and watched all the training and harassment and drug policy videos. And then after all that, he gets his first assignment. And it’s “watch the daytime talk shows in case popular singers mention the Illuminati”. And he couldn’t even complain to people about the lousy job he’s got. He knows he’s monitored by the guy in Secret Cubicle SOC1-L7-07A. (The cubicles go right from SOC1-L7-07 to SOC1-L7-08 without an ‘A’ in-between.) And that guy’s fed up with IlluminaTwitter notifications.

OK, maybe some super-technological monitoring system means they don’t have to watch everything. Maybe their IlluminaComputer tells them when someone said something too much. That means there’s secret rulers of society having meetings about whether the time has come to kill Whitney Houston. Maybe the appeal of conspiracies is the fantasy of being part of an organization that has purposeful meetings.

I mean, you never do hear about someone who joins into the secret conspiracy ruling humanity, and finds it’s full of the same petty office politics and dreary paperwork and meaningless action as anyone else’s job is. Though in that circumstance, you know, well-done.

Confidential to guy in SOC1-L7-07A: I’m not saying the Illuminati have any connection to the Pythagoreans. I know you guys brand around a pyramid, which is a completely different kind of triangle, unless you imagine folding it in half. I’m not looking for any trouble. I only watch Ellen when someone left it on at the vet’s office. And I didn’t even realize Whitney Houston had died. I guess she did. That would be a weird thing to fake, unless she was needed in some secret bean work.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index rose three points today, reaching our FM radio home of just the hits of the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s, and today. We think the station was abandoned years ago and someone left their iPod on shuffle.

104

Parking Ourselves To Death


I was reading the DC Comics Showcase of Metal Men, a band of 1960s superhero robots who are constantly explaining their premise to each other. Anyway, they take a blind kid from The City on a trip in space, the way superheroes just did in the 60s, and they find an amusement park on an abandoned planet, because again, it was the 60s. You just had Coney Islands on every cosmic body.

Anyway it turns out the Space Amusement Park is completely automated, but its automation accidentally space-glitched and got stuck on “evil” (or to be precise, “Space Evil”) and now all the rides are trying to kill you. They work out this must be what happened to the population: the whole world got killed by an evil Space Amusement Park.

Now, I understand the appeal of an evil amusement park. And even the appeal of one that threatens life and limb, because I grew up in New Jersey and we had Action Park. Everyone in my generation from New Jersey would like to tell you how we narrowly avoided death at Action Park, usually by drowning or smacking into something, sometimes just by bursting into flames after buying a hot dog or getting hit by a meteor while in the parking lot. A tenth of us will tell you how we technically speaking died there.

Thing is, as uproariously reckless as Action Park was, it didn’t come close to killing even North Jersey, never mind the whole world. If Space Coney Island really did kill its whole planet I think the park has only partial responsibility. At some point the local Space Ride-Inspection Space Agencies (“Spagencies”) fell down on the job. Also the Space Newspapers (“Spacepapers”) failed their public when they didn’t report on, like, the first 2.5 billion people killed by a wicked Space Ferris Wheel. I don’t think the Spacepapers would be needlessly spreading Space Panic at that point.

Anyway, the Metal Men escape the killer roller coaster and make it back to Earth, in the process curing the kid’s blindness two times over, because that’s just what the 60s were like. Better living through Space Chemicals.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

Another five points down and the trading floor is really sick of this, thank you. They’re ready to jut pack it all in if some good news doesn’t turn up sometime soon. They’re being petty, but just because they all bought at 152, a number they get really angry if you bring up anymore. They also don’t want “148” or even “135” mentioned so it’s all been merry calling out numbers to see what people are willing to put up with. Well, the short sellers are merry but they’re also getting kicked a lot.

101

Movie Madness From The Old Days


So let’s say it’s a 1930s cartoon. Is it actually legally required to include an Al Jolsen “Mammy” hook? Let’s find out.

The cartoon is from Ub Iwerks’s Flip the Frog series. Iwerks was one of those great cartoonists and inventors to orbit Walt Disney. With Disney he was able to create Mickey Mouse as well as some of the lesser characters like Clarabelle Cow. And he had a knack for technical innovation, with the live-action/animation effects of Song of the South his doing. Outside Disney’s orbit, Iwerks … well, you can see. The cartoon’s from his own studio. And it’s technically proficient, smooth and competent in a way not common in 1931 except from Disney studios. And there’s fun in it, but it is slow-paced. Could use stronger editing. I imagine if it ran five minutes this could be a really solid cartoon.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

Well, the index dropped another eight points over the day and isn’t that just like it? There’s no sense of gratitude, of loyalty in this business anymore. Many traders say it’s a different world from the one they started in. They don’t see where the old mores even fit in anymore.

106

In Which Reuters Explains Just Enough To Confuse Me


So Reuters offered this Oddball News piece, “New St Andrews students welcomed with shaving foam fight”. The third paragraph:

Several weeks into the first term, the university holds its annual “Raisin Weekend”, during which the academic parents hold parties for the new students. The weekend culminates in “Raisin Monday”, when they dress the new students in costumes and send them into the university main’s lawn for a shaving foam fight.

And so I’m left here pondering whether I’m more curious about why raisins or why they count Monday as part of the weekend. I’m pretty sure it’s not a long holiday weekend, like, October Bank Holiday or one of the estimated 44 days listed as the Queen’s Birthday. (You know although Elizabeth II is recorded as ninety years old she was actually only born 26 years ago; all those Birthday holidays add up.) Well, I guess we all pad out the weekend when we figure we can get away with it. Probably the students do. How would someone find who was skipping class underneath all that foam? Fair enough, I suppose.

Also, my mathematics blog had that comic strip thing again. Please read, won’t you?

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The trading community saw its confidence fully restored today with a whopping six point gain, that’s gain, that’s a bigger number than was here this time yesterday and isn’t that thrilling? Anyway, analysts are sure this reflects the market being over-sold and that we’re poised for a new bull market full of growth and happiness and the return of joy to the world.

114

Thinking About TV Movies


That bit about The Kinks’ Arthur the other day got me thinking about TV movies. I don’t see them anymore. But I grew up occasionally watching TV movies when my parents didn’t want to change the channel after the real shows were done for the night. I knew it as a genre in which over the course of two hours we’d get to meet a generically pleasant cast of characters and discover the wife was murdered by Mike Farrell. I suppose they did things differently in 1969 Britain, when The Kinks were making their not-made TV movie. I’m not sure they had even invented Mike Farrell by then, and the wife had to be murdered by Wayne Rogers instead. If anyone’s got definite word please let me know.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

Another Blog, Meanwhile index traders agree that it’s just five points, it’s just another five points lost since yesterday, it’s not even a full five percent and there’s no reason we can’t see just as big a rebound as the last week saw declines and how can it be so long since we were in the 140s when it was just Wednesday for crying out loud? What makes this happen to good little indices?

108

Statistics Saturday: Final Words In 100 Comics I Read Thursday


  • procedure
  • carpool
  • know
  • mind
  • Corvette
  • you
  • silos
  • rubbish
  • you
  • child
  • end
  • espresso
  • see
  • inventor
  • the
  • Constance
  • idea
  • shade
  • manner
  • home
  • window
  • spineless
  • contactless
  • you
  • adorable
  • deck
  • again
  • guys
  • cards
  • fast
  • here
  • touched
  • grateful
  • shell
  • sir
  • stuff
  • what’s-his-name
  • transferred
  • scores
  • sauvignon
  • confirm
  • so
  • digested
  • whistles
  • again
  • smooch
  • dinner
  • in
  • plate
  • press
  • booths
  • right
  • ball
  • Glorg
  • click
  • Murphy
  • progress
  • another
  • play
  • epilepsy
  • you
  • bullhorn
  • die
  • there
  • the
  • Selfy
  • security
  • Dale
  • bad
  • you
  • winter
  • do
  • know
  • man
  • Frankenswine
  • Richard
  • journal
  • mode
  • statement
  • leave
  • that
  • lane
  • crumb
  • it
  • trumpeters
  • it
  • it
  • guys
  • competitive
  • kilts
  • minutes
  • pepperoni
  • on
  • fries
  • jungle
  • sideways
  • self-explanatory
  • Crunch
  • ball
  • mine

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

All right, five more points down on the index. We can handle this. It wouldn’t even be a big jump tomorrow needed to wipe out all those losses and were we really at a hundred and fifty just last week? Oh gads we were, it was so little time ago, whatever happened? Why did it happen? Why?

113

Meanwhile, The Silly Stuff I Get Into In Dreams


So I was having this pretty nice standard-issue dream when I suddenly got a text message from The Left. That’s unsettling since I don’t really text-message and I’m not sure how I would get it. But then I had to get up and go to the bathroom. I guess that’s fine; I’m not sure what I would say to The Left. “I love when you work on stuff that tamps down the brutality of life?” I bet they get that all the time.

Meanwhile like a week ago my love dreamed we were in the San Francisco zoo and couldn’t think how we got that far away. The dream me couldn’t offer any answers. My love, looking for a rational explanation of why we’d be there, asked, “Have we been to any amusement parks this trip?” And the dream me answered, “No, I don’t think so.” And I love that the dream-me, like the real me, takes so much edge off anything he says that he’ll leave room for plausible doubt on the question “have you been to an amusement park on this trip?” That’s so me.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The Another Blog, Meanwhile index suffered its steepest one-day decline yet, dropping 13 points or over 9.9 percent in a conversion to decimals that is not helping, Lisa. We would investigate the mood of traders more except they get all growly and bite-y as anyone approaches and for now it’s probably best if we just hope tomorrow has a little less bad news and DON’T BITE AAUGH.

118

The Unmaking


A friend was amused by something I said that alluded to The Kinks’ album Arthur. I went on to explain the album to him, something he consented to by not chewing his own tail off to make good his escape. I was kind. I just wanted to explain how the definitely best song in it was “Some Mother’s Son”, unless the best song was “Shangri-La”. In any case the most cheerily catchy song on it is clearly “Victoria” unless it’s “She’s Bought A Hat like Princess Marina”. Look, just listen to it, all right?

I started to explain whether it’s a rock opera before my friend tore my leg off and whacked me over the head with it. It’s a contentious issue. If you ask Ray Davies about it, he’ll explain that it was totally the first rock opera except for the ones that snuck out between when he had the idea and when he finished it. Also that of course it wasn’t an rock opera and he doesn’t know why critics call it that. Also that people only say it’s a rock opera to stir up trouble. Also that Dave Davies should get over here so he can punch him. Also that who cares about writing rock operas. I’m happy to let Ray Davies have whatever view on Arthur he wishes, in accord with my life goal of getting through it without being punched by him. So far, successful for 16,089 days running!

Thing is I’ll go along with saying Arthur wasn’t the first rock opera, or even a rock opera at all, especially if Ray Davies is looking for someone to punch. Unless he really wants it to be a rock opera because, again, 16,089 days and counting. It was created to be the soundtrack for an unmade TV movie. And that’s what’s caught my imagination. Not calling it a TV movie. I’m used to that idea.

What’s got me is the phrase “unmade movie”. They want to express it was a never-made movie. But it’s got me thinking of what it would take to un-make a movie. You’d have to start with a made movie, sure. Let’s say something like 2006’s My Super Ex-Girlfriend, which was as slightly made a movie as has been the least mediocre choice of in-flight entertainment since the Disney Radio channel was still doing the Hamster Dance song somehow. I should be clear, I didn’t hate the movie or anything, it was just on and a little annoying up to the point that the in-flight entertainment system crashed and couldn’t be brought back up. Could be any movie.

You’d start, I guess, by taking any prints of the film and rinsing them clean, bringing them back to a faint silver-tinged cloud of colloidal particulate matter. And I don’t care if that isn’t what unexposed film is like. It’s too much fun to write “faint silver-tinged cloud of colloidal particulate matter”. Go ahead. Try coming up with a better phrase that seems like it ought to have something to do with film stock.

I don’t know if it existed in digital form any, but I suppose we can write new stuff, I’m thinking saved games of Civilization II, onto whatever they came from. I’m thinking USB Flash drives. Very large ones, to be able to hold films. Like, they’re on keychains, but for those novelty-size Keys to the City. Really big ones. Have to play a lot of Civ II to fill those up, but I can do that.

Unmaking the movie would go farther, sure. I suppose you’d bring all the cast and crew back together so everyone could go through the scenes backwards, undoing it all. I’m not sure if you’d have to undo the alternate takes or unused scenes. I guess it depends how busy the people are. Unmaking the movie can’t be their whole job. Probably it’s not necessary to unbuild the sets, since they do that anyway.

There might be some outfits that could be unstitched and turned back to pieces of cloth. I don’t imagine that we’d take, like, any bits of wool and restore them to the original sheep, as most film companies don’t keep records in sufficient detail for this. Similarly there’s no sense at all restoring any cotton used in the outfits to the original sheep, because sheep only produce cotton if they’re looking for a little extra income as poorly-paid farm workers. There’s limits to how much you’d have to do to fully un-make a film, is all I’m saying.

Again, I don’t want the people whose lives brought them to the point of making My Super Ex-Girlfriend to think I’m picking on them. It’s just a movie I’m holding up as an example of something we could unmake if we really tried. If we needed some different unmade movie I’ll take suggestions. Thank you for your time considering the problem.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

Um. All right. Traders aren’t looking to panic or anything here but what the flipping heck, guys? Fourteen points in one flipping day? Where did that come from? Where did they go? When are they coming back? Analysts disagree about why the sudden drop happened except for that one who’s being all smug about how she knew this was inevitable. We don’t need that stuff just now.

131

Caption This: Another Question Raised By Star Trek: Voyager


Barclay sitting with his arms folded and it just happens his eyes closed while Troi watches and his cat licks a bowl of what looks like peach ice cream to me.
Deep into the sixth season, Star Trek: Voyager seeks to tap the share of the TV-watching public that just can’t get enough of the powerhouse combo of Marina Sirtis and The Guy Who Played The Guy Who Used Holodecks For Actual Fun And Power Fantasies The Way Humans Would. Guests of Star Trek: Voyager stay in the lovely Pavel Chekov Microtel convenient to the heart of the old Desilu filming lot and with great views of the Golden Gate Bridge from every single window, including the fridge door one into the freezer and the windows Barclay’s sometimes-opened eyes would show into his soul.

It’s the 24th century. Why are people having meetings in the lobby of a Cracker Barrel?

If you know or have a better thought what to do with this picture, please, use the space here. I’m mostly including a picture like this to pad out pointing over to my mathematics blog, which had some more comic strips to talk about the other day, which was yesterday. Suggested topic: why is Barclay’s cat eating a heaping dish of Brain Ice Cream? Is that really healthy for a creature made of live Photoshop “dry brush” pen strokes?

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index rose a nice four points, or more than 2.8 percent, on trading that most described as “kippy” or even “disembogue” because those were the vocabulary words on the word-a-day calendar the last couple days. “Kippy” can kind of be made to fit but “disembogue” is something about rivers so they’re just showing off at this point. Also they like expressing stuff in percent because it has all those decimals and those look nice and scientific.

145

Stray Thoughts About The Puppet Master


I realize that it’s just a programming convention. But when you stop and notice it, it’s kind of weird that the Muppets name all their stuff Muppet stuff. Imagine the reverse; would you watch The Human Show? Well, I guess I would, but I’d be expecting some faintly punk British-produced angry comedy along the lines of The Young Ones. Special case. But then how about, say, Human Treasure Island or Human Wizard of Oz or Humans From Space? … All right, again, that’s starting out interesting. The Humans Take Manhattan? … Saying that out loud I guess I see why the Muppets do that. All right, but let’s imagine a reporter for the local news introduced himself, “Hi ho, this is Kermit the White Guy with a Human News Flash.” OK, this is getting compelling. Forget that I was doing something like grousing.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The Another Blog, Meanwhile index drifted four points lower over the day. Analysis credit this to the trading community commissioning an illustration of them as Crystal Gems and now they’re all worried about what if they have to ask the artist for something to be changed, like their vests aren’t the right length or something? And some are saying that of course they can check that at the first-sketch stage and asking for a minor change like that is nothing, artists are fine with that as long as you’re clear as early as possible about what you do and don’t want, while others just feel like they’d die if they had to say anything wasn’t exactly right. A nasty fight broke out when someone brought up the time in 1999 they tried getting a drawing of themselves as Powerpuff Girls and they never did get the finished picture, although the artist for that recently e-mailed to say he knows he’s late but he’s been going through some drama and he’s hoping to get the commission backlog done as soon as he has a free weekend to knock them out.

141

The Usual Sort Of Monday-ish Stuff


Background, Quark the bartender looking all huffy. Foreground, Harry Kim and Tom Paris all sure that they're going to be on the good series.
As one of the leading bars on the far edge of explored space it’s important that Quark stock his shelves with those sanitizing liquids barbershops keep their combs and scissors in.

Tom Paris, the one holding his fingers together: “And if we combine the supporting casts of Star Trek: Voyager and Deep Space Nine we’ll form this mighty pop cultural armada so powerful that within five years people will ask `William Shatner who?’ … are you ready to join us?”

Quark, the bartender rocking the Rhoda outfit: “Yeah, you’re cut off.”

And here’s some space for your own captions, if you’ve got a better one.

And finally my mathematics blog talked about comic strips yesterday. All goes well it’ll talk about them tomorrow too.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index drifted down four points owing to traders being distracted by all the decorative gourds they have at the stores these days. Last year we found one that looked just like a perfect goose, with the stem even making a perfect beak. We’ve had some good results this year including one that makes a respectable crane (the bird kind) but man, nothing is ever going to top that goose gourd. Ah, well, such things can’t last forever; if they could, would we appreciate them while they lasted? Yes, of course we would.

145

Why I Haven’t Been Writing As Carefully As I Ought To Lately


So for one thing I’ve come to realize I ought to spend some time petting our pet rabbit. The easy thing to do is brush his head and ears until he indicates he’s had enough by some standard expression of bunny joy, such as doing a little happy shake or biting me to get me out of the way. So I’ve been busy with that for the last 196 hours straight. Also after last weekend when it turned out I didn’t have a 1933 Jack Benny Program where he did a “real old-fashioned style minstrel show” on my old podcasts list, I ended up listening to some 1942 Jack Benny Program where he went ahead and did that anyway. I’m hoping to get back to some nice safe ones like where Jack Benny’s polar bear is eating boarders.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The Another Blog, Meanwhile index gained a point, which has got investors all excited about how there’s clearly a new trading floor somewhere around 140 and it’s just impossible we’ll ever see a bear market ever again. They’d probably have gained two points if it weren’t for that whole Jack Benny Program fiasco.

149

Statistics Saturday: Contents Of My Phone Numbers


Digit Occurrence (Percent)
0 6.48
1 10.19
2 21.30
3 11.11
4 1.85
5 6.48
6 7.41
7 14.81
8 7.41
9 12.96

Notes On Methodology, which is always the fun part: phone numbers which had the area code changed under them are counted multiple times. The phone numbers I had my first three years as an undergraduate are not included because I don’t remember what they are either. My fourth year as an undergraduate I didn’t get a phone because I figured I could just use the phone for the unread campus weekly I spent all my time working on anyway. The phone number I had when I lived in Singapore is counted too, with the area code of ‘6’ because when I was there there was one area code, ‘6’, for land-line and another area code, ‘8’, for mobile phones and don’t you just love a single-digit area code? Anyway the country code of ’65’ isn’t included because I don’t think it’s fair to include that as part of the phone number. Also I never really felt sure I knew what I was doing dialing internationally back then but I loved putting a ‘+65’ in front of my phone number the couple times I had to share it with anyone then. I once had the phone number 266-0001 and that was great except if I ordered something delivered they thought my callback number was a fake. Also I kept getting calls from the rent-to-own-scam place from someone who gave them a fake number for a couch. I liked the number anyway.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

You see? You see? We just knew there was going to be a collapse. All right, it’s just four measly points and we’d barely even notice them in ordinary circumstances but if things don’t go up tomorrow we’re going to have to cancel so many orders for consumable frivolities.

148

Meanwhile In Science Designed To Sound Like Jokes About Science


So Reuters asked me to pay some attention to them with this headline and I did.

Apes show complex cognitive skills watching ‘King Kong’ videos

Turns out they’re not investigating whether the great apes have feelings about movies, which is a shame. I bet they’d have some interesting thoughts about how the Dino De Laurentiis version slapped the original premise with a Seventies Movies stick by making sure we knew everyone in the movie, including the natives on Skull Island, ended up depressingly worse off. Instead:

As individual apes were shown videos featuring a human actor and a costumed ape-like King Kong character, researchers tracked their eye movements. In the video, the human watches King Kong hide an object in one of two boxes. When the person leaves, King Kong moves the object to a new location.

When the person returns to find the object, the apes looked intently at the original spot in anticipation of the person searching there. Even though the apes knew the object had been moved, they understood that the human thought it was still there, said study co-leader Fumihiro Kano, a comparative psychologist at Kyoto University in Japan.

This is an important result for studying the theory of mind, because now we can know that our fellow primates can tell when someone’s being fooled. I bet it won’t be long before we have great apes who can watch three-camera sitcoms or beer advertisements for us. Then we just have to find the ones who want to.

Still, I worry that over on Ape Twitter there’s a bunch of Ape Tweetstorms where they’re all about how hilariously fake the King Kong costume are. I bet the researchers didn’t include that in their report. It would look bad to the funding committee that for all they spent on the outfit the apes still weren’t buying it. Or worse if they spent so much on the ape costumes that the actual apes were buying it.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

At this point the Another Blog, Meanwhile index is feeling pretty sure about the world and would like to grab passers-by and proclaim how awesome everything is. The only warning sign is someone just published a quickie book titled Another Blog, Meanwhile Index 300 proclaiming how high it was going to go by the end of the year. We just can’t see that happening, no, but that sort of wild enthusiasm is what always happens right before a crash and now we’re just feeling so very tetchy. Ooh, hey, it’s October 8th this Saturday. We should have made a Dave Barry reference or something.

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From The September 2016 Scraps File


The month may have got started later than usual, but that’s no reason not to empty out the scraps bin. Here’s stuff I couldn’t use in September and if you’re able to, please, go wild. All I ask is a simple acknowledgement that you couldn’t have done your work without me. I need it to pad my CV.

Connoisseur. Cut from several pieces when I realize that even with spell check and entering it into DuckDuckGo I can’t come close to spelling it right. I don’t know. It shouldn’t be this hard and it’s not like I wasn’t able to get the hang of ‘kigurumi’ eventually. So this goes into the special bin for “words that have appeared in Peanuts that I somehow can’t get straight”.

Really I never understood what problem the Federation was solving in dividing the galaxy into just four quadrants, especially when two of them were off on the far side where they’d only interact following freak events like the Bajor wormhole or whatever crazy pipeline sends everything from Earth, including dinosaurs and Amelia Earhart, into the Delta Quadrant. Cut from a post on TrekBBS about why the aliens on Star Trek: Voyager say they’re in the Delta Quadrant when that’s a human designation and surely can’t match any local description of space. Because you know, the part of TrekBBS I like best is how many people are sincerely worried that Benjamin Sisko might never come to reconcile with Jean-Luc Picard, even though they could go through the rest of their lives never seeing or thinking about the other. The part I like least is people starting threads straightplaining why Star Trek is at its best on issues of gender and sexual orientation when it mostly shows men worrying over their womenfolk. In any case the other people there aren’t living long enough for me to argue about how Delta Quadrant species make large-scale divisions of the Milky Way.

Cybernarc. Title of a novel by William H Keith, Jr, and cut from a piece where I was going to try to list the Most 90s Science Fiction Novel Titles ever. And it’s a good idea but it’s just so hard to try finding a bunch of 90s Science Fiction Novels, since they don’t sell novels from after 1991 back to used book stores anymore. And while that’s great if you’re looking for a 70s novel about the extremely sex-partner-ready inhabitants of a great domed city that get pushed outside it doesn’t help you scan the shelves and see what titles really jump out of the 90s and make you giggle. Oh, I guess there’s also Robert Thurston’s Bloodname: Legend of the Jade Phoenix II but you could probably make that a Most Science Fiction Novel Title Of Today too.

I like to think of this as a place where I occasionally buy queen-size bedsheets. Cut from the start of a new tumblr that I cancelled when I realized I couldn’t think what a third post on it would be. Also that I don’t understand tumblr because you respond to stuff by posting it from somewhere else and people looking at the original don’t see it and I don’t know. There are people who can explain this to me but they give up in disgust when they see my cell phone.

In his 40 years as Jacksonian Professor at Cambridge University James Dewar, pioneer of the study of heat flow, never fulfilled the requirement of the post that he find a cure for gout. Cut because while it is a wonder it doesn’t seem to be on-point to anything I’d be writing. I mean, I guess I admire James Dewar. Anyone who could get his name attached to Thermos bottles has to be doing something right. But why would it come up in September when I’m not even in school anymore and don’t need something to hit my siblings with? We’re adults now, we can just punch and gossip on social media.

You’re Steve Allen, aren’t you? Cut from an episode of Stan Freberg’s 1957 radio series where, even if it doesn’t look like much, it’s a pretty solid laugh. It’s in Daws Butler’s delivery unless it was someone else delivering it. I put the line back where I got it and I bet you’d like it there after all. It’s the show with the Grey Flannel Hat Full Of Teenaged Werewolves sketch and the advertising campaign for Food, so, you know, good stuff there.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The Index was up a solid eight points and must admit it would be feeling invulnerable if it weren’t sure feeling invulnerable was the prelude to suddenly feeling very, very vulnerable. I mean, we’ve been through this before, we know what hubris is. And we’re not looking to see a demonstration of hubris brought against someone who claims to know perfectlyw ell what hubris is. That’s just not fair.

148

How The Vice Presidential Debate Brought Me Wikipedia Joy


I got to looking up Farmville, Virginia, because that was the site of the Vice Presidential Debate that gripped the nation (any nation; Malawi, for example) last night. Here’s its Wikipedia entry’s “Today” section as it existed yesterday, before the race between eagle-eyed, mongoose-blood-accelerated Wikipedia editors to change “will be held” into the past tense the moment the debate ended:

Today[edit]

Farmville is a growing community mainly because of economic growth in the Lynchburg and Richmond areas; many residents use Farmville as a bedroom community to take advantage of the low cost of living. Many Longwood alumni are staying in the community after growing up elsewhere.[citation needed]

Farmville made headlines in September 2015 after being selected by the Commission on Presidential Debates to host the 2016 vice-presidential debate. The debate will be held at Longwood University on October 4, 2016.[21][22]

In 2008 a new YMCA was opened behind the recently built Lowe’s. It includes an indoor swimming pool, locker rooms, six large HD TVs overlooking a gym, a child care center, and athletic fields. Family locker rooms, a teen center and aerobics room are included.

The town is crossed by the High Bridge Trail State Park which extends 4 miles (6 km) east to the historic High Bridge.

So that’s why I’ve been going around the past day trying to read that whole string of sentences in my best BBC News Announcer voice and let me tell you the news about the new YMCA just keeps getting funnier to me and me alone. I give it another four hours before someone punches me in the kidneys.

Also while I understand the appeal of editing Today should we really leave that power in the hands of anyone who wanders by Wikipedia? Shouldn’t there be some kind of screening process? At least make people leave a deposit before they edit the whole day?

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The Another Blog, Meanwhile index was rising steadily when my love pointed out this ShutterStock gallery, by Azuzl, that’s anthropomorphic chickens wearing the national garb of various Eastern European nations so you can understand why that’s more interesting to the market.

140

Who’s Using Twitter Ads To Play Pranks?


So this turned up in my Twitter feed as a promoted ad:

An ad saying they've studied 1,438 claims against plastic surgeons and suggesting that surgeons and their staff spy on patients for noncompliant activities like smoking or other stuff. Kind of creepy, honestly.
I imagine they were figuring to do 1,440 claims but then someone pointed out hey, it’s like eight minutes until 5:00, why don’t we go home early? And then someone said “but why stop at 1,438 claims? Why not do the full set of ten gross claims?” And this turned into an argument about whether leaving out those two last claims would make a difference and what value there could be in counting something as “ten gross” like you’re an 17th century merchant-adventurer hauling firkins of butter and cod to the Hanseatic League and, long story short, over a year later they’re still not talking to each other.

I’m sure that this is a perfectly legitimate service aimed at helping plastic surgeons not get sued but I’m really more a mathematician than a plastic surgeon. And my day job is doing web stuff. Also, I’m really not a plastic. I’m proud to be almost entirely an amethyst carving with an enchantment that gives me powers to command thylacines, a really cool kangaroo-wolf creature that’s been extinct since 1936. So it’s not something that comes up every day. But this makes me think that instead of being targeted for advertisements based on my actual browsing and consumption patterns (“you just bought an weather radio! Would you like to buy an weather radio?”) there’s just this guy sending out ads to see if he can be funny. This is probably a better model for capitalism anyway.

Well, if you’d like to see me doing mathematics stuff, on my other blog I talk about comic strips mathematically and all that. You might enjoy. I liked writing it.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index rose sharply in trading before the market opened, raising questions of how that can be possible and calling the very definition of “markets” into question. It’s like there aren’t even any rules anymore, not the way we were told there are supposed to be.

137

Statistics September, Or, Getting Around To This Finally


OK, finally I can go look over what WordPress thinks my readership was for September. It wasn’t as many people as in August. I bet that’s because I didn’t carry on with pointing out more comic strips people should read. That seemed popular in August and why would I do more of what works?

WordPress records my blog here as having got 1,130 page views in September, from 697 distinct visitors. That’s down from August’s 1,416 page views from 779 distinct visitors. It’s up still from July, some 1,087 page views from 549 distinct visitors. I don’t know how many of them kept over month to month.

I stayed about as likable as ever. 190 likes were clicked in September, barely up from 187 in August and down from 206 in July. Comments were way up, possibly owing to how much interesting stuff there is going on about model railroading in Lansing and New Zealand. 69 comments for September, compared to 24 in August and 41 in July. It’s my highest comment count since I changed my internal linkings so those links wouldn’t count as comments.

My top-five posts for September include one of the long-form posts I generally work the hardest on, so that’s gratifying. They also include a three-way tie for fifth place, so let me just toss them all out and see what you make of them:

So, if nothing else I’ve learned that people like seeing their countries mentioned. So I’ll just list all the countries that WordPress says sent me readers the past month, along with however many readers that was. I don’t know why that works, but it does. I’ll take it.

Country Readers
United States 808
India 53
Canada 46
United Kingdom 34
New Zealand 24
Australia 23
Germany 18
Philippines 17
France 9
Argentina 8
Spain 7
Brazil 6
Singapore 6
Kenya 5
Switzerland 5
Austria 3
Denmark 3
Indonesia 3
Italy 3
Netherlands 3
South Africa 3
Uruguay 3
Bulgaria 2
Croatia 2
Cyprus 2
Greece 2
Israel 2
Japan 2
Malaysia 2
Mexico 2
Norway 2
Puerto Rico 2
Sweden 2
Turkey 2
Costa Rica 1
Czech Republic 1
Estonia 1
European Union 1
Hong Kong SAR China 1
Hungary 1 (*)
Mauritius 1
Poland 1
Portugal 1
Romania 1
Taiwan 1

Hungary was also a single-reader country in August. No country’s been a single-reader country for two months running. The European Union dropped from five in August and I don’t know what to make of that. At least Poland’s back again.

October starts with my blog having got 40,586 page views from 21,183 distinct visitors. I don’t know which page was view number 40,000 but can that compare to which page was view number 40,001? Easily. WordPress says the most popular day for reading was Monday, with 16 percent of the views. That was true in August too. The most popular hour was 12:00 am, with eight percent of page views. That’s also exactly what the August insights claimed. I double-checked; it doesn’t look like I just read August’s figures again. I don’t know.

WordPress says I have 687 total followers, up from 681 at the start of September. You can be among them by clicking the “Follow Another Blog, Meanwhile” button in the upper left corner of the page. There’s also a button to get posts e-mailed to you although there’s not so many people looking for that. I’m also @Nebusj on Twitter, because I couldn’t think of a better name. Maybe you can think of a better one, but a better name for me? My parents weren’t able to find one so I don’t know why you’re so optimistic.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The Index dropped two points today, reflecting investor confidence that it wasn’t really going to use those points anyway. “We probably would just leave them in the junk drawer,” they said, “or maybe even the Scary Drawer in the kitchen that has all those dusty old metal-covered things for home projects we never built and, like, coupons from the Ames Department Store that we’ve moved to four different houses since Ames closed down in 2002.” The wild, starry-eyed, mad fools.

129

Why I’m Not Ready To Talk About How September Treated My Blog Just Yet


So I found there were some ancient Jack Benny Program podcasts that my iPod somehow had for some reason and I got to listening. And they had some real obscure ones, like from his show before Jell-O picked him up as a sponsor and before his writers had invented Phil Harris and everything. And the show was weird back then, since he didn’t have any of his famous cast except Mary Livingstone and she was still mostly doing Dumb Dora. And then they got to what sketch they’d do on the next week’s show. “Next week, folks, we’re going to do a real old-fashioned style minstrel show!”

So I had to cry out, “NO! DON’T DO IT, JACK BENNY PROGRAM OF 1933!” and throw myself at the iPod, smothering it with my body and saving my whole platoon from the imminent racefail. And while my iPod’s Otter case was strong enough to withstand my falling all over it, and the next episode turned out to be one from 1944 and everything was normal, I’m still not quite up to par. Jack Paar was Benny’s summer replacement host for 1947. But you can see why this has me all off my schedule.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

Traders were feeling optimistic about the Another Blog, Meanwhile Index given how they were able to remember all the Next Generation episodes mentioned yesterday except the drunken-singalong one, and that they really are all legitimate episodes and some of them even good ones. Also that you could too win an Emmy Award for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Hairstyling, just like if you were going to make a joke about technical Emmys.

131

Statistics Saturday: Actual Star Trek: The Next Generation Plots That Sound Like Parodies Of Star Trek: The Next Generation Plots


With thanks to my love for noticing this.

  • Aliens replace Captain Picard with a double who’d be perfect if not for his rousing drunken singalongs in the bar.
  • A historian from the future turns out to be a con artist from the past. Picard decides whether to risk saving a planet suffering from too much static electricity.
  • Data practices how to sneeze. Also he has an evil twin.
  • In an alternate timeline the Federation is doomed, but Guinan and Tasha Yar are great friends.
  • The transporter makes Picard twelve years old while space pirates take over the Enterprise.
  • A planet of extremely white scantily-clad sex partners wants to execute Wesley for tripping over a flower.
  • Worf has a crush on some fish-aliens, one of whom is Mick Fleetwood for some reason. Troi’s Mom hits on a holodeck bartender.
  • Riker’s the lead actor in Dr Crusher’s play! Also maybe crazy.
  • Worf gets dizzy whenever he falls into a parallel universe.
  • Dr Crusher gets a Ferengi scientist killed when she incorrectly diagnoses another alien as being dead.
  • Troi shows Mark Twain around the Enterprise. Picard pretends to lead a San Francisco theatrical company. (Emmy Award-winning episode, for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Hairstyling for a Series.)
  • Worf finds a planet where Klingons and Romulans live together peacefully and puts a stop to that. Data has crazypants dreams.
  • Poker night holds the only key to escaping a spacetime anomaly.
  • Data makes friends with a little alien girl over his Space Ham Radio, so they save her planet.
  • It just so happens nobody had ever asked if Data was a person or a thing before making him third-in-command of the Federation flagship.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index fell three points, then rose three points and dropped another three points, just to see if it could get your attention from all the way over there in your peripheral vision.

129