So, I was digging around and found some Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction I had completely and utterly forgotten I’d written. Since some of this goes back over a decade I hope you can forgive me that. But I felt like sharing so, here goes. This is from the “riffing on someone’s rant” mode, although in this case the original text is less a rant than a … well, bit of crank literature, let’s say.
The reference here to “Commodore Schmidlapp” is steeped in rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc folklore, such as it is. Something like a year before this MiSTing was posted, Doctor Mike Neylon had taken down his Web Site Number Nine, the center of the MiSTing community, for a weekend for some kind of upgrades or whatnot and he hadn’t been seen since. So I thought it would be a merry little joke that the right people would get if I snuck in a bit suggesting he had been kidnapped by Pearl Forrester and her crew. Thus you now understand why this is a correctly-formed joke construct and shall laugh.
As I remember it, I was right, folks did like the joke. Still haven’t seen Mike Neylon. I suppose if he ever does reappear I’ll have to resolve the joke in a new MiSTing.
Oh yeah, before you do: comic strips in my mathematics blog. You might like that too. I do.
[ OPENING CREDITS ]
[ 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE. TOM SERVO is behind the desk. MIKE is
sitting up front, near the camera, facing TOM. ]
TOM: Hi, everyone. Welcome back to the Satellite of Love. I’m Tom
Servo, your host. Today we’ve got wonderful news for all of our
loving and devoted fans. Starting Tuesday you’ll be able to find
our new Special Collectible Crow T. Robot Gold Edition.
[ CROW, looking as he always does, enters from the left. ]
CROW: Hi, everyone. The gold edition me comes complete with netting,
fresh-polished nose module, top-of-the-line sarcasm resequencer
and an array of opinions on Peter Potamus. But there’s more —
MIKE: [ Raising his hand ] Does that come with director’s commentary?
TOM: Uhm —
CROW: Sure! Lots of commentary.
TOM: Won’t be able to shut him up!
[ GYPSY enters from the right. ]
GYPSY: And with the Ruby Edition collectible Tom Servo —
MIKE: Hold it; does the Crow come with trailers?
CROW: I — uh —
GYPSY: A trailer hitch.
MIKE: Is he in 5.1?
TOM: He’s … in … 8.3. I think.
CROW: I’ve heard of that.
TOM: Is it good?
GYPSY: I think so.
CROW: Yes! Any further questions?
[ MADS SIGN flashes. MIKE walks back to the table to get it. ]
MIKE: Hang on, the deleted scenes are calling.
[ MIKE taps the sign. ]
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. PEARL and BOBO are at a desk working on a great
many forms; BOBO is dressed as accountant. OBSERVER watches the
camera, curious. Calculators, notepads, and slide rules complete
the table clutter. ]
OBSERVER: Does Crow come with animated chapter breaks?
BOBO: Deducting form 8-E, line 17 …
PEARL: Hello, Mike. Peculiar doll-thingies.
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. ]
CROW: Hey, we’re action figures!
TOM: I’m comfortable being a doll.
MIKE: Ah, what’re you doing, Pearl?
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. BOBO is muttering to PEARL. A bell rings
from off-camera. ]
PEARL: [ To BOBO ] Oh, what, *again*? We’ve had him in the dungeon
a *year* now and we’re not getting through.
BOBO: For the capital invested in keeping Doctor Mike — you can’t
argue the return-on-evil. Look at the figures.
PEARL: Brain Guy, can’t you do this?
OBSERVER: Oh, Pearl, you know Bobo does forms better than I.
PEARL: [ To MIKE ] What are we doing? Oh, wouldn’t YOU like to know?
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. CROW, TOM, MIKE, and GYPSY are there. ]
MIKE: Well … yeah.
GYPSY: [ To TOM ] I just never saw you as a doll before.
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. BOBO is fiddling with a slide rule. ]
OBSERVER: Sorry up there, Mike; we’ve got some reports to fill in.
PEARL: Something *you* will understand perfectly after you get through
this week’s experiment — if you DARE!
[ PEARL begins to cackle; OBSERVER pats her shoulder. ]
OBSERVER: [ Low-key ] It’s not all that evil.
PEARL: [ Similarly ] No? I thought we were picking these —
OBSERVER: You have to give them a change-up, something odd and then you
let go with the force-ten brain-imploder. It works better.
PEARL: You’re the brain guy, but I want them to suffer more —
[ The bell rings again. ]
PEARL: Oh, somebody get Commodore Schmidlapp his tea already.
[ BOBO hits his palm against the slide rule, launching it to stage right.
There follow several crashing glass noises, and then the hissing and
bubbling of horrid liquids seeping places. BOBO whimpers. ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. As before. ]
GYPSY: They’re getting stranger.
CROW: I just never saw you as a doll.
TOM: You should try accepting an expanded self-image.
[ MOVIE SIGN flashes. General alarm. ]
MIKE: Oh, great, save it — guys, we got movie sign!
[ Screaming and such continues. ]
[ 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… ]
[ ALL enter theater. ]
MIKE: Wait, she’s torturing other Mikes?
>Reply-To: "Baron Maximillian von Schwartzmeinoppenhause"
CROW: Zany? You’re soaking in it!
>From: "Baron Maximillian von Schwartzmeinoppenhause"
TOM: That’s for everyone who missed the zany before.
MIKE: The gang.
>Subject: Re: GALACTIC FEDERATION Update: August 5, 2003
CROW: Attention Mister and Missus Galaxy and all the ships at sea!
TOM: Better tell Wolverine and Professor Xaiver.
>X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 6.00.2800.1158
>X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2800.1165
MIKE: [ Clapping his hands ] Ole’!
>Date: Fri, 5 Sep 2003 02:02:48 -0600
TOM: We get the August update in September?
CROW: They’re pretty laid back in this part of the federation.
>X-Trace: news.uswest.net 1062748941 126.96.36.199 (Fri, 05 Sep 2003
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 03:02:21 CDT
MIKE: There, see? Told you it was Central Daylight Time.
>Xref: rpi alt.alien.visitors:516492 alt.revisionism:1566553
TOM: Inside The GPS Signal.
MiSTed: Galactic Federation Update, Part 2/4
So, a lot of MiSTings inspire a certain crankiness. Yes, we, the writers, choose to read these things and write jokes about it and immerse ourselves in the whole thing. And it’s mostly fun. But there is still a slog to it because when you look at every line of a post you realize there’s a lot of lines to it. And so many of them are boring. Not this time, though. This was a giddy, playful piece to write. I had fun and I think you can tell from the silliness of a lot of my riffs.
“The Swan” was a short-lived reality-TV show about taking people who were Hollywood Ugly and dressing them up until they could attract A MAN. This sort of thing seemed important to denounce back then.
>"Robt McElwain" <email@example.com
> wrote in message
CROW: It’s the 21st century and we’re *still* getting Robert McElwaine.
Could we get some new cranks in here?
> Update from the REAL Galactic Federation
MIKE: The other Galactic Federation is just full of phonies.
> and The Spiritual Hierarchy
> August 5, 2003
TOM: They’re masters of space, time, and dimension, but their Usenet
servers are kept up by turtles.
> Communicated thru Sheldan Nidle of The Planetary Activation Organization
MIKE: So stop teasing him.
> Greetings, dear Hearts!
TOM: Howdy, lovey-kins.
> We return with more interesting topics to
> share with you.
MIKE: And we’ll give you six of them for four easy monthly payments
of $24.99 each.
> One of the things that we find most interesting is how
> your concepts of cosmology have distorted the origins of this physical
CROW: Why, thank you. I think one of my most endearing features
is how my concepts of cosmology distort the origins of the
> Its genesis lies not in a ‘big bang’, but rather in a simple
> series of multiple creations.
TOM: This `Big Bang Burrito’ theory we expect will be slow to catch on.
> These creations produce many different
> dimensions and an abundance of realities. The crucial element is
> consciousness. All of us dwell in a living, conscious universe.
TOM: Except for the audience of “The Swan.”
> universe is composed of inter-dimensional Light and Time, which
> combine, in infinite ways, to form space.
CROW: Is this gonna be on the final?
> It, in turn, creates
> realities and shapes physicality’s countless dimensions. The physical
> universe is a magical place.
MIKE: So that’s why everyone’s after me Lucky Charms.
> The only limitations that exist in any
> reality are those that its inhabitants and its heavenly guardians,
> together, permit.
CROW: I already saw “Free To Be You And Me.” Can I go?
> Your laws of physics are a true misnomer.
TOM: They’re more nagging suggestions of physics instead.
> Your growth
> in awareness or new collective perceptions can instantly alter these
> so-called ‘laws’.
MIKE: One morning I took too much Sudafed and the Rydburg constant?
Pfft. Out like a light.
> Now, this important process has begun.
TOM: No, no, no, don’t go rushing into anything right now.
> It promises to
> create an entirely new reality for you and indeed for the rest of
CROW: You know, I can’t get “2000 Flushes” to work right.
Should I be part of creating a new reality for everybody?
> Creation is a continuously unfolding phenomenon. The divine plan
> has dealt out to us all a multiplicity of sudden twists and turns.
TOM: You are in a maze of twisty divine plans, all alike.
> as a direct result, countless sentient species live in the physical
MIKE: The Asian short-clawed otter alone occupies four galaxies.
> Their many different languages, cultures and rituals create
> an immensely wide range of traditions and perceptions that center upon
> the origins of their realities.
TOM: Yet they cannot tell a cabbage from a lettuce.
> They have inspired us to closely study
> the residences of this nearly infinite universe. In our galaxy, it gave
> rise to the creation of
CROW: Kickapoo Joy Juice.
> numerous spiritual sciences, dedicated to
> developing a full understanding of this knowledge, and to discovering
> its precise part in the whole.
TOM: In order to make more efficient ABC Afterschool Specials.
> Eventually, this study laid the first
> foundations for a spiritual anthropology and, later, a spiritual
MIKE: And later still, spiritual philately.
TOM: Spiritual geology was a big hit.
CROW: People say spiritual ichtyology is an easy major, but there’s
a lot to it you don’t see.
> These sciences gave us a wealth of information about our
> common origins,
CROW: For example, origins turn out to be common.
> which are far greater than the processes that brought
> about human evolution on the third planet of the Vega solar system more
> than six million years ago.
TOM: As of next Thursday.
> Actually, our beginnings filled a physical
> and spiritual niche foreseen by the divine plan.
MIKE: I mean, it’s like they had God or something setting things out.
> Prior to that event,
> we were all spiritual Beings hanging tenaciously to the vast Life-
> streams of Heaven.
TOM: Oh, here it comes.
CROW: Yup. This is the hard sell. How much, McElwaine?
> As humanity advanced through this galaxy,
TOM: We started shooting everything we didn’t understand.
> we encountered physical
> Beings quite unlike us in form, culture and language.
CROW: We would have given them the chance to surrender,
but we didn’t want to look weak.
> If we did not
> succeed in bridging these huge differences, war often resulted.
MIKE: And, really, we went out with the best of intentions.
> first, those who aggressively followed the dark principles of their
> creator-Being, Anchara,
CROW: Leader of the Imperium Sweaters.
> distressed us greatly. Suddenly, we were
> involved in an enormous galactic war that had woven itself across the
> breadth of our galaxy for many tens of millions of years.
TOM: A most savage alien race, they were. When we shot them
they fought back.
> This struggle
> created a need for many alliances to form with thousands of other like-
> minded star-nations.
MIKE: We had to shoot first. We had them surrounded.
> It also introduced us to the continuing strange
> and violent process that is destined to transform this galaxy from the
> darkness that has engulfed it.
TOM: They’re using the F-U-N-D cheat, aren’t they?