So, a lot of MiSTings inspire a certain crankiness. Yes, we, the writers, choose to read these things and write jokes about it and immerse ourselves in the whole thing. And it’s mostly fun. But there is still a slog to it because when you look at every line of a post you realize there’s a lot of lines to it. And so many of them are boring. Not this time, though. This was a giddy, playful piece to write. I had fun and I think you can tell from the silliness of a lot of my riffs.
“The Swan” was a short-lived reality-TV show about taking people who were Hollywood Ugly and dressing them up until they could attract A MAN. This sort of thing seemed important to denounce back then.
>"Robt McElwain" <email@example.com
> wrote in message
CROW: It’s the 21st century and we’re *still* getting Robert McElwaine.
Could we get some new cranks in here?
> Update from the REAL Galactic Federation
MIKE: The other Galactic Federation is just full of phonies.
> and The Spiritual Hierarchy
> August 5, 2003
TOM: They’re masters of space, time, and dimension, but their Usenet
servers are kept up by turtles.
> Communicated thru Sheldan Nidle of The Planetary Activation Organization
MIKE: So stop teasing him.
> Greetings, dear Hearts!
TOM: Howdy, lovey-kins.
> We return with more interesting topics to
> share with you.
MIKE: And we’ll give you six of them for four easy monthly payments
of $24.99 each.
> One of the things that we find most interesting is how
> your concepts of cosmology have distorted the origins of this physical
CROW: Why, thank you. I think one of my most endearing features
is how my concepts of cosmology distort the origins of the
> Its genesis lies not in a ‘big bang’, but rather in a simple
> series of multiple creations.
TOM: This `Big Bang Burrito’ theory we expect will be slow to catch on.
> These creations produce many different
> dimensions and an abundance of realities. The crucial element is
> consciousness. All of us dwell in a living, conscious universe.
TOM: Except for the audience of “The Swan.”
> universe is composed of inter-dimensional Light and Time, which
> combine, in infinite ways, to form space.
CROW: Is this gonna be on the final?
> It, in turn, creates
> realities and shapes physicality’s countless dimensions. The physical
> universe is a magical place.
MIKE: So that’s why everyone’s after me Lucky Charms.
> The only limitations that exist in any
> reality are those that its inhabitants and its heavenly guardians,
> together, permit.
CROW: I already saw “Free To Be You And Me.” Can I go?
> Your laws of physics are a true misnomer.
TOM: They’re more nagging suggestions of physics instead.
> Your growth
> in awareness or new collective perceptions can instantly alter these
> so-called ‘laws’.
MIKE: One morning I took too much Sudafed and the Rydburg constant?
Pfft. Out like a light.
> Now, this important process has begun.
TOM: No, no, no, don’t go rushing into anything right now.
> It promises to
> create an entirely new reality for you and indeed for the rest of
CROW: You know, I can’t get “2000 Flushes” to work right.
Should I be part of creating a new reality for everybody?
> Creation is a continuously unfolding phenomenon. The divine plan
> has dealt out to us all a multiplicity of sudden twists and turns.
TOM: You are in a maze of twisty divine plans, all alike.
> as a direct result, countless sentient species live in the physical
MIKE: The Asian short-clawed otter alone occupies four galaxies.
> Their many different languages, cultures and rituals create
> an immensely wide range of traditions and perceptions that center upon
> the origins of their realities.
TOM: Yet they cannot tell a cabbage from a lettuce.
> They have inspired us to closely study
> the residences of this nearly infinite universe. In our galaxy, it gave
> rise to the creation of
CROW: Kickapoo Joy Juice.
> numerous spiritual sciences, dedicated to
> developing a full understanding of this knowledge, and to discovering
> its precise part in the whole.
TOM: In order to make more efficient ABC Afterschool Specials.
> Eventually, this study laid the first
> foundations for a spiritual anthropology and, later, a spiritual
MIKE: And later still, spiritual philately.
TOM: Spiritual geology was a big hit.
CROW: People say spiritual ichtyology is an easy major, but there’s
a lot to it you don’t see.
> These sciences gave us a wealth of information about our
> common origins,
CROW: For example, origins turn out to be common.
> which are far greater than the processes that brought
> about human evolution on the third planet of the Vega solar system more
> than six million years ago.
TOM: As of next Thursday.
> Actually, our beginnings filled a physical
> and spiritual niche foreseen by the divine plan.
MIKE: I mean, it’s like they had God or something setting things out.
> Prior to that event,
> we were all spiritual Beings hanging tenaciously to the vast Life-
> streams of Heaven.
TOM: Oh, here it comes.
CROW: Yup. This is the hard sell. How much, McElwaine?
> As humanity advanced through this galaxy,
TOM: We started shooting everything we didn’t understand.
> we encountered physical
> Beings quite unlike us in form, culture and language.
CROW: We would have given them the chance to surrender,
but we didn’t want to look weak.
> If we did not
> succeed in bridging these huge differences, war often resulted.
MIKE: And, really, we went out with the best of intentions.
> first, those who aggressively followed the dark principles of their
> creator-Being, Anchara,
CROW: Leader of the Imperium Sweaters.
> distressed us greatly. Suddenly, we were
> involved in an enormous galactic war that had woven itself across the
> breadth of our galaxy for many tens of millions of years.
TOM: A most savage alien race, they were. When we shot them
they fought back.
> This struggle
> created a need for many alliances to form with thousands of other like-
> minded star-nations.
MIKE: We had to shoot first. We had them surrounded.
> It also introduced us to the continuing strange
> and violent process that is destined to transform this galaxy from the
> darkness that has engulfed it.
TOM: They’re using the F-U-N-D cheat, aren’t they?