In Which I Ponder The Thinking Of Criminals In Inspector Danger’s Crime World


This has been nagging at me since last Monday. It’s the Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz. It’s sort of a Slylock Fox for people who like a touch more narrative. Also to have the crime be murder a lot. Also for the victims to often be dot-com millionaires or academics. (The latter makes me feel a bit personally targeted, but the academics always give a hint who murdered them by, like, typing out the number of letters in their killer’s name or something like that. So they probably were terrible to their grad students, if any, and deserved it.) In last Monday’s installment cartoonist Werner Wejp-Olsen put Inspector Danger through one of his routine methods of criminal-catching: going somewhere, leaving, returning, and noticing something. It’s an old gimmick but it works surprisingly well. And here’s what he saw.

Inspector Danger: 'Bud Norton has been on the run for two weeks - let's check out his hideout in the city.' He knocks on the door. '- Or his place in the countryside.' The countryside. 'No smoke from the chimney. But he have to make sure he's not hiding in this dump. Withered flowers! Apparently nobody has been living here for weeks. Maybe we should give his city place another shot.' Assistant Alfie: 'Are you sure, sir? You know how hard it is to find a parking space.' Danger, back at the city place. 'Here we go again.' Knocking to no answer. 'Not a peep - maybe this is just another wild goose chase? OK, let's call it a day. WAIT!' (The new front door mat indicates that the place is inhabited. Bud Norton is now back in the slammer.)
Werner Wejp-Olsen’s Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz for the 6th of November, 2017. And hey, good contribution to the investigation with your observation about parking spaces there, Alfie. Really shows why Inspector Danger needs you to work at his best. Sometimes he gets to be relevant to the story. It’s just Danger gets on these rolls with his checking-out-two-hideouts business and there’s not even any point talking to him.

I admit I am not a person who takes great care with domestic niceties. Yes, once, when I lived in an apartment I did have a doormat. And I did even take it once, when I had to move from that building to another owned by the same company just because the first building was collapsing and probably dangerously unstable and the floor tilted, probably, only about five degrees downhill, even if the size of the living room made it feel like it was eight or nine degrees. But I only took the doormat because the new apartment didn’t have one, and then I left it in the trunk of my car because lazy, until my sister ended up owning the car and I think she lost it when the car was in an accident that left it too damaged to bother repairing.

What I’m saying is, were I a fugitive, I’m not sure I would bother replacing my apartment-door doormats even if they were in terrible shape. And this one doesn’t even look that bad. But I’m not sure I’d have bouquets of flowers either, not without someone to nudge me into action. In which case I’d expect that someone to replace the flowers in a timely fashion because goodness knows I’d never notice.

And yet I appreciate that in Inspector Danger’s world, criminals on the run worry about whether their doormats are nice enough. And replace them in the hours after the detectives have been around. It suggests a world of depravity on the level of the Adam West Batman, where the greatest expressions of human depredation are, like, a squat fellow who quacks a lot and has many specialized umbrellas, and all their worst crimes are stuff like stealing an unusually large violin. Don’t you wish that was as bad as humans got?

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Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

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