What’s Nude on Television


The satellite TV dial is filling with these Christmas music channels, more every day. And we were looking for them and discovered there’s this weird huge block all labelled NUDE. I guess they’re specific nude channels, since the show listings talk about how it’s stuff like “girls kissing 24/7” and my love pointed out how tired their lips have to get. Probably their whole faces get worn out.

But the channels all look like that, and that’s disappointing. Why couldn’t they just be a bunch of regular channels only nude? I’d be interested in, like, Nude Discovery Channel, or Nude Comedy Central. Heck, Nude Animal Planet is like 70 percent of the way to reality. Naked A&E.

Look, I know there’s a killer Nude Channel joke to be made here somewhere. I haven’t found it, but we’ve been scrolling for like 18 hours and we’re not through all the channels we don’t have, because of all those video-on-demand channels each offering Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. The right application for this concept is somewhere.

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Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there.

7 thoughts on “What’s Nude on Television”

  1. I just recently pulled the plug and so no longer have cable, but I would resubscribe in a heartbeat if they began offering casual nudity in settings not calling for it. I’m not talking about porn. I just mean people doing ordinary things, but naked (or is it butt naked? Or Buck naked? I was never sure).

    Can you imagine nude “Seinfeld”? Nude “Cheers”? Nude “Gomer Pyle”? (Okay … that one may be going too far … and I may need to go scrub my contacts with lye to get that image out of my head). It would be hilarious for all the people in these shows to be nude but no one mentions it or talks about it.

    Conversely, I would love to see the show “Naked and Afraid” with all of the contestants fully clothed.

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    1. Yes, exactly. I don’t want porn or anything; who needs that? But casual, unexplained nudity? Exactly; Nude Cheers is just the sort of programming to have on in the background while nothing much commands attention.

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  2. The only problem with ‘nude TV’ is that if TV went all nude, all the time, it would be boring and people would be hanging out for shows in which people were clothed. Or it could be like the time I was on a beach in Koh Samui. This turned out to be the beach where the Germans went for holidays, except that they had apparently all left their bathing gear behind in Dusseldorf. Also, they were all about 65 years old and most of them seemed likely to tip the scales at about 210 lb. The only exception was the gentleman who was a dead ringer for Colonel Sanders. He was Australian.

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    1. Oh, yes, it might get boring if all television were nude all the time. So I’d be happy to just stick to a set of nude channels, an option. So if someone wants to see the fully-clad SCTV, they’ve got that. If they want to see the same episodes with nobody wearing pants, Naked SCTV. Just the chance to see things either way.

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    1. Yeah, there we go. That’s a good use for that sweet Cars 3 money they’ve otherwise just been rolling around in. Could even match it to their own characters if we have a clear conceptual idea of what it means for, like, Buzz Lightyear to be nude. I mean, that spacesuit thing is his ‘skin’, right?

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