Every Home Repair Show I Ever Happen To See


The show starts with some upbeat music, cheery stuff that keeps threatening to have a tune. The credits dissolve to Jeff, who’s wearing a blue shirt along with his tool belt. “Hi there,” he says, “And thanks for joining us for another episode of Fixed In A Jeffy. We’ve been working for the last several weeks on a lovely ten-story single-family dwelling in Naugatuck, Rhode Island, and we’re going to continue not listening to those spoilsports at the historical society who say it’s Connecticut. Let’s check in with Jeff and see what he’s found.”

They cut to another Jeff, who’s got a red shirt but lacks a tool belt. He says, “This lovely building, with a footprint of nearly 120 square feet, was originally built in late 1886 as a cotton distillery who saw potential in the Pawcatuck River and didn’t know where they were. It was rebuilt as a different cotton distillery in early 1887 and again in 1893 by people who had a knack for assembling these things. During the Second World War employees in this facility put strands of the finest, strongest treated wool across the Norden bomb sight until the War Department caught them. We’re hoping to convert it to fit a small family like ours.”

The first Jeff says, “And there’s some real time pressure here. We’ve only got about a week until the owner gets back and probably picks some kind of fight with us. So let’s take a peek at a home in Eddie Foy, South Carolina, which much like Jeff’s here has got walls.”

There’s a musical interlude and the show comes to another Jeff, who’s got a green shirt and doesn’t care who sees him. This Jeff steps into the two-story hall with cats running up and down the stairs. “Homeowner Jeff has been gutting this absolutely gorgeous room, and it turns out to be because of a common mistake made the last time the house was renovated. Can you tell us what that was, and how many people are making it even without looking?”

Homeowner Jeff, wearing a white collared shirt that’s got two nonconsecutive buttons undone says, “We were experimenting with a nontraditional wall covering. We hoped to cover from floor to ceiling with a sparkling red lycra and that didn’t work at all. In the first place, cats would leap at the walls and get stuck, and then they’d be angry at whoever un-catched their claws. Un-caught their claws. Unclawed their catches.” Other Jeff slaps his shoulder, breaking him out of this loop. “We could have lived with that, but we also got joggers. Non-competitive, of course.”

The first Jeff (third of that name) nods. “Of course; this isn’t the badlands. Still, you don’t want flocks of joggers coming through and breaking up your private community space. Still, it begs the question — ”

The first Jeff (the first one) cuts in, smiling, but not meaning it. “Now, Jeff, we’ve talked about this. You mean to say this raises or asks the question. Back to our recorded segment from South Carolina.”

The third Jeff (the third one) nods, on tape. “You’re right of course. This raises the question, why lycra in the first place?”

The fourth (second) Jeff says, “We got there by a very interesting path and let me share the story with you. But first, I want to show you something.” He opens the door and they walk through a dissolve cut to the bottom of the driveway. “I designed my own mailbox so that it would look like an obscure dolphin called the melon-headed whale. You just slip a piece of paper in here — ” and he does, “And a little flag pops right up through its blowhole!” Which it certainly does.

Jeff (one of them) nods, saying, “Thank you. That is a creative and distinct way to comply with no currently known postal regulations.” A cat races out of the open door, leaps up the left Jeff, and lands on the flatbed of a truck that’s puttering down the street, which carries it out of sight. “I think some of this might be useful to you up in Vermont. Jeff?”

They return to the second Jeff. “Now, we’ve talked about this. Vermont and Rhode Island are radically different places, what with being represented in completely separate divisions of Lechmere’s Department Stores back in the day.” The camera pulls back to reveal he’s standing in front of the air conditioner unit behind the house. “So. We’ve found something alarming back here that isn’t just a repeat of the hornet incident. Join us for next week’s Fixed in a Jeffy when we look into that, won’t you please?”

Yes, I suppose that I shall.

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Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

12 thoughts on “Every Home Repair Show I Ever Happen To See”

  1. I have been watching home improvement shows since the early 1980s when I first found Bob Vila’s “This Old House” on PBS, and I can certify the accuracy of your blog post.

    Great work! Take an extra tool belt out of petty cash.

    Like

    1. Oh, thank you. I do worry that I’m not getting something whenever I watch these shows.

      Now, those HGTV shows where it’s a pair of young people who’re employed in having MacBook Airs in coffee shops and they’re buying condominiums in Belize, those I’m sure I know what’s going on. They mean I’m waiting for my car to be serviced at the dealers’.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I have always been very curious about the financial situation of twenty-somethings that are looking at million dollar homes. The only explanation I can come up with is “rich parents”. Must be nice!

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        1. Somewhere around Twitter I occasionally cross paths with a spoof of the house-hunters type shows. It autogenerates things like, “Him: I design hats for otters. Her: I repair coffeepots. Both: Our budget is $1.75 million.” It’s one of those things good to read for a couple minutes once a month or so, and yet it always feels so immediate and true.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Interesting concept, I think you have a winner here after all choosy producers choose Jeffy. Otherwise, “Fixed In A Jeffy” could work as a sequel to the Rick and Morty “Anatomy Park” episode– Rick finds some guy named Jeffy with hundreds of things wrong with him,and each week shrinks a different doctor to microscopic size to fix the disease of the week from within his body “Fantastic Voyage” style. Just a stray thought.

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    1. This sounds good to me. But I have to admit all I know about Rick and Morty is that it’s sometimes on the TV in a hipster bar with the sound turned off, so I just glance up and there’s people apparently yelling at each other. So I figure they could be microscopic people, so far as I know, and without hurting the premise any.

      Like

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