[ Translated from the gestures, modal dialogues, and inarticulate howls of boundless rage at my iPod Touch. ]
Me: OK, iTunes, resume.
iTunes: Happy to!
Me: …
iTunes: What?
Me: Resume my podcast.
iTunes: I didn’t know you had a podcast!
Me: Don’t ever talk like an online nerd. Resume the podcast I was listening to.
iTunes: Happy to!
Me: …
iTunes: What?
Me: Resume it now.
iTunes: Resume what now?
Me: That’s Grandiloquence. Three guys take turns pronouncing a word they only know from reading, and then get into a big argument about who’s least wrong. They’re doing their 40th-episode super-spectacular on ‘synecdoche’.
iTunes: What’s that word?
Me: ‘Synecdoche’.
iTunes: How do you pronounce it?
Me: Almost certainly wrong. That’s why I want to hear the podcast.
iTunes: I understand. That sounds like a really interesting show.
Me: It is. So, why don’t you play it?
iTunes: You finished it.
Me: That’s a rotten lie and you know it.
iTunes: You pulled out the headphones! You finished it.
Me: The coffee person was asking if I needed anything.
iTunes: You don’t drink coffee.
Me: I can have things in tea. I have a loyalty card.
iTunes: Was the person on your podcast?
Me: The person has their own problems.
iTunes: How do they say ‘synecdoche’?
Me: Just play the episode.
iTunes: Happy to!
Me: …
iTunes: What?
Me: Why aren’t you playing it?
iTunes: I deleted it.
Me: You … deleted it?
iTunes: I knew you’d approve.
Me: Why did you delete it?
iTunes: Why would you pull out the headphones if you didn’t want me to delete the episode?
Me: Pulling out the headphones has always paused a podcast. Why would it start deleting one?
iTunes: How do you know they ever pronounce a word right?
Me: People write them snarky letters.
iTunes: I have the episode where they try and say ‘quinoa’.
Me: I know. I’ve heard it.
iTunes: No you haven’t. I downloaded it because you didn’t hear it.
Me: I’ve heard it. I keep marking it as listened-to.
iTunes: And then I have to download it all over again!
Me: You don’t have to download it. I’ve heard it three times already.
iTunes: If you’d heard it already why did I download it?
Me: So download the ‘synecdoche’ episode already.
iTunes: I can’t. No Internet.
Me: We’re … in … the … coffee … shop.
iTunes: Oh, that Internet?
Me: Yes. The Internet you’re on. Download the ‘synecdoche’ episode.
iTunes: Happy to!
Me: …
iTunes: What?
Me: I mean download it now.
iTunes: Oh, now now! Happy to!
Me: …
iTunes: Did you mean right now now?
Me: Yes.
iTunes: You know you’re not subscribed to this podcast anymore.
Me: I’m not?
iTunes: You never listen to the episodes. You marked them ‘played’ and deleted them.
Me: … All right. Do you have my music on you?
iTunes: Oh yes! 92.8 hours of music!
Me: Do you have … oh, Sparks. No. 1 In Heaven?
iTunes: I do!
Me: And can you play Sparks’s No. 1 In Heaven?
iTunes: Absolutely!
Me: In order?
iTunes: Of course!
Me: Start.
iTunes: Happy to! [ Begins playing ‘Academy Award Performance’, which is the second song on the album. ]
Me: Stop.
iTunes: What?
Me: Play the album in track order.
iTunes: Oh. I thought you wanted the songs shuffled.
Me: No, I want them played in track order.
iTunes: Happy to! [ Begins playing ‘Academy Award Performance’ again. ]
Me: I want it in track order, not alphabetical order.
iTunes: Happy to!
Me: …
iTunes: What?
Me: So start!
iTunes: Happy to! [ Begins playing Frank Crumit’s ‘Abdul Abulbul Amir’. ]
Me: Stop.
iTunes: What?
Me: I want to listen to Sparks.
iTunes: You totally should! They’re a great band. I love how each listen you can make out three more words until you finally realize what the song is about and feel embarrassed.
Me: So play Sparks.
iTunes: Just a second, downloading!
Me: …
iTunes: What?
Me: My podcast?
iTunes: [ Begins playing ‘Academy Award Performance’. ]
Me: … [ And then I decide to accept this. ]
iTunes: [ Finishes ‘Academy Award Performance’. And begins playing ‘Academy Award Performance’ again. ]
Me: Hold it.
iTunes: What?
Me: You just played that song.
iTunes: It’s a good song.
Me: It is, but I want you to play all the songs on the album.
iTunes: Happy to! [ Keeps on ‘Academy Award Performance’. ]
Me: Why are you playing this a second time?
iTunes: I have two copies of the song.
Me: Since when do you have two copies?
iTunes: Since I downloaded the album again.
Me: Why did you download the album again?
iTunes: You told me you wanted to play it!
Me: …
iTunes: What?
Me: Resume playing.
iTunes: Happy to! [ Begins playing Frank Crumit’s ‘Abdul Abulbul Amir’. ]
Me: Next week they were going to do ‘inchoate’.
chuckles muchly
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Thank you!
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Your iTunes seems smarter than mine.
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I have the last-generation iPod. I’m stuck on the older version of iTunes.
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