Statistics Saturday: Things That Non-Vegetarians Think The Rest Of Us Need To Hear


  • Salad isn’t food! Salad is what food eats!
  • You know, chickens are really mean to other chickens.
  • I’d love to be vegetarian but then I couldn’t put bacon on everything.
  • You know, the Indian word for ‘vegetarian’ is ‘bad hunter’.
  • Yeah, that’s cool but some of us have to be the carnivores.
  • You know, the Humane Society of the United States is a lobbying group, not an animal shelter.
  • Oh, yeah, this is a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. They make a great tuna steak.
  • So when you go for fast food are you, like, just there to be all smug about everyone getting their chicken nuggets or stuff?
  • I couldn’t possibly keep up with all the measurements and supplements and stuff you have to do to be a vegetarian. I’m impressed.
  • You know, you get E coli from lettuce.
  • You know, almost nobody actually has a problem digesting gluten, you can just eat whatever you want if you haven’t actually been to an allergy specialist.
  • That’s all right, I’ll eat enough sausage for both of us!
  • Wait, that’s got cheese on it, you can’t eat cheese, right?
  • It’s so weird you want, like, burgers that taste like meat but that nobody has to kill a cow for, instead of something really vegetarian.
  • You know, hamsters will eat their own babies if you let them.
  • So when you go for fast food do they, like, just throw a handful of yard clippings in your face?

Reference: The New York Public Library Desk Reference, Paul Fargis, Sheree Bykofsky.

Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

7 thoughts on “Statistics Saturday: Things That Non-Vegetarians Think The Rest Of Us Need To Hear”

  1. So if you ever come to Seattle I know several really good actually-vegetarian/vegan places as well as omnivore-friendly places which do amazing veggie burgers with black bean or chickpea patties or whatever.

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    1. Aw, thank you. That would be great. The one really curious lack in Lansing is a vegetarian or vegan place, although most restaurants have at least two or three decent options, and Impossible Burgers are sneaking in to places like the health food store’s deli counter.

      Now, in Grand Rapids (about an hour west), there’s a hipster sandwich place that has literally something like 60 vegetarian or vegan options and it is really great even though every single sandwich is named for someone with a beard or at least noteworthy facial hair, like the Thomas Riker or the Salvador Dali or the Chewbacca.

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  2. Oh, yes. sigh But I just read an article in Wired about fake meat that was really cool! Back when the airlines still offered in-flight food, I had a vegetarian meal reserved for my flight. They brought me a meal with chicken. The flight attendant told me it was vegetarian, after I told her I ordered a vegetarian meal. I said, “Uh, no. Chicken is not a vegetable.” And the attendant told me that if I didn’t like it, I could go jump out of the plane. I ended up with a free ticket from the airline.

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    1. Huh; that’s a weird thing for the flight attendant to have done. I could kind of understand one arguing that fish was ‘vegetarian’ given how many vegetarians make a fish exception, or wouldn’t think of something like clam chowder as outside the rules. But chicken? That’s bizarre.

      Fake meats have really gotten amazingly good lately. Beyond Meat and the Impossible Burger are famous for it and deservedly. Locally, there’s this Chinese place over by Homer or Hosmer or Howard street that does textured protein so good that we always have to check whether they didn’t make a mistake and send us actual pork or something.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. One of my favorite places to eat is Sizzler. My husband can eat the steak or salmon he wants to eat, and I get a great vegetarian meal at the salad bar. I didn’t eat very much meat before I became a vegetarian in 2002, and I’m not really interested in fake meat except my husband says he’s willing to give it a try so that might make it worth it.

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    1. Oh, yeah, I’ve found myself surprisingly happy with the salad bars at places like that. I think I’m an easy touch for being able to put together a lot of cucumbers and then cottage cheese. It was basically my only choice when we went to the Dogpatch Restaurant, in the legendary home of Li’l Abner fandom, Munising … in the upper peninsula of Michigan.

      Fake meats have gotten to be really good. BeyondMeat has got chicken pretty well done right, and Impossible Burgers are really really good. There’s also this Chinese restaurant in town that textures its … whatever … so very well that we’re always a bit worried they gave us actual pork instead.

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