You got this e-mail. The one about how your account was hacked, with the proof being a password you used for the account you made on TeaTowelsOnline.com in 2004. We all did. But me? I decided to do something completely useless about it: I turned it into Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction, back in 2018. Please, enjoy, as I finally use this to buy me a couple days’ lead time on my blog-writing here.
MiSTed: You password must be need changed (your password:group2) [ 0 / 1 ]
[ THEATER. ALL file in. ]
> From: <email@example.com>
CROW: I love firstname.lastname@example.org’s writing!
> Subject: You password must be need changed (your password:group2)
TOM: Remember, you promised you’d walk and feed *and* change your password when we got you one!
> Date: November 15, 2018 at 4:36:12 PM EST
> To: group2 <email@example.com>
CROW: Group 2 is the cool group. We don’t need those Group 6 wieners.
> Dear user of site.tld!
MIKE: Hi! Been a crazy year, hasn’t it? So what’ve you been up to?
> I am a spyware software developer.
TOM: Well I’m a level-12 half-orc mage so don’t you go trying to beat my initiative roll.
> Your account has been hacked by me in the summer of 2018.
CROW: Man, you wanna feel old? The summer of 2018 was *this* *year*.
> I understand that it is hard to believe,
MIKE: But I can flare each nostril separately from the other!
> but here is my evidence:
TOM: [ Fumbling, feeble voice ] Um, heh, sorry, thought I had the thingy plugged in … uh … heh, see, it’s a mini USB … or micro … uh, heheh … maybe it’s upside-dowooops, dropped it.
> – I sent you this email from your account.
MIKE: It’s asking you to celebrate someone’s ‘work anniversary’ on LinkedIn for some reason?
> – Password from account firstname.lastname@example.org: group2 (on moment of hack).
TOM: Prices higher west of the Rocky Mountains.
> The hacking was carried out using a hardware vulnerability through
> which you went online
CROW: Yeah? Well I only respond to emotional vulnerability.
> (Cisco router, vulnerability CVE-2018-0296).
MIKE: [ Military Nerd voice ] Excuse me but the CVE-2018-0296 is the USS Ranger, a Forrestal-class supercarrier with a displacement of 81,000 long tons under full load *thank* you.
> I went around the security system in the router,
CROW: I jabbed my foot into an endtable.
> installed an
> exploit there.
TOM: Stepped on a Lego block … you know, your security is pretty *good*, I have to say.
> When you went online, my exploit downloaded my malicious code
MIKE: Well, it’s not malicious so much as it is passive-aggressive code.
CROW: ‘No, go ahead and read my page with the adblocker on, I’ll be fine.’
> (rootkit) to your device.
TOM: Hey, we’re trying to stay PG here!
> This is driver software,
CROW: This is driver software on drugs.
> I constantly updated it,
MIKE: The only way to foil it is to hit ‘postpone updates until tomorrow’ every single day!
> so your antivirus
> is silent all time.
TOM: Your Antivirus Silent All-time Hall of Famers!
> Since then I have been following you
CROW: Did you see me clicking like and share?
> (I can connect to your device
> via the VNC protocol).
MIKE: The VNC Protocol, starring Clint Eastwood, George Kennedy, and Vonetta McGee.
> That is, I can see absolutely everything that you do, view and
> download your files and any data to yourself.
TOM: [ Voice warbling ] Even my Knuckles/Marrissa Picard fanfic?
> I also have access to the camera on your device,
[ CROW and TOM squirm, uncomfortable. MIKE looks up so as not to have to acknowledge either. ]
> and I periodically
> take photos and videos with you.
MIKE: [ As though reading a postcard ] Having wonderful time, wish I were here …
> At the moment, I have harvested a solid dirt…
TOM: [ Dramatic sting ] DUN-dun-dunnnnnnnn!
> on you…
MIKE: Merciful heavens!
TOM: Oh, Professor Firefly!
> I saved all your email and chats from your messangers.
MIKE: Your mess angers.
TOM: Your Me’s Sangers.
> I also saved
> the entire history of the sites you visit.
TOM: You ah, got any copies of Web Site Number Nine kicking around there?
CROW: Your Mess an’ Gers?
MIKE: Oh, you always want a plate of those if you go to a British pub.
> I note that it is useless to change the passwords.
TOM: [ As Chico ] ‘Swordfish’?
> My malware update
> passwords from your accounts every times.
CROW: Yeah? Well … my festive clockwork bubbles from your kneepads every thermostat!
> I know what you like hard funs (adult sites).
TOM: Ooh, hard funs?
MIKE: Yeah, those are the anise-tasting funs your gramma keeps in that glass dish on the coffee table that still smells like smoke even though she quit eighteen years ago.
[ TOM makes a little disappointed groan. ]
And that’s enough lumped text for just now. Web Site Number Nine was, in the 90s and early 2000s, the center of MST3K fan fiction. It went down “for the weekend” for maintenance one Friday in like 2004 and never reappeared afterwards. Boy, remember when 2018 seemed like a brutal year? Anyway, I’ll finish posting this on Wednesday. Thanks for reading.