MiSTed: The Tale of Fatty Coon, Chapter VI

And now more of Arthur Scott Bailey’s 1915 children’s novel The Tale of Fatty Coon. This is the sixth chapter. I’d written this, and through to chapter nine, to post as Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfiction last year. I didn’t have the time or energy then to surround it with host sketches introducing and resolving the piece. My excuse was that if I ever completed the book I’d put all the chapters together in a big project and have several sketches throughout, the way a real episode might. I’d posted this to Usenet several years after the first five-chapter block which is why there’s some refreshers about the story in text.

Some content to warn about. One is that there’s a riff this chapter that’s rather more risque than you’d think I could make. I had to go by what the text offered. And, as the premise behind Fatty Coon is that he’s really fat and eats a lot, there’s fat jokes. If you don’t need that in your reading for fun, you’re right. We’ll catch up later instead.

Previously, we met Fatty Coon, who combines being fat with being a raccoon. He has tried to eat goshawk eggs, and failed. He’s tried to eat turtle eggs, and succeeded. He’s tried to eat a family of squirrels and failed, instead getting scared by a “tramp raccoon”. And he’s tried to eat a fishing lure, which defies characterization as “success” or “failure”. What will he try to eat this time? Just wait and see.

[ ALL file in to the theatre. ]


TOM: Oh yeah, these guys.


CROW: So what exactly happened the first five chapters of this thing?


MIKE: I remember it. Fatty Coon is a raccoon who eats a lot, and his author hates him. … There, you’re caught up.

> VI




MIKE: That’s my favorite psychedelic pop album.

> It was mid-summer when Fatty Coon had what he then believed to
> be the finest time in all his life.

CROW: When he hijacked that truck carrying cherry pie filling.

> And later, when he was older, he
> still thought that nothing had ever happened to him that was quite so
> enjoyable as that surprise his mother gave him when he was a young
> coon.

TOM: ‘When he was older’? Wait, that means he lives!

MIKE: Hey, spoilers! I haven’t read this yet.

> Of course it was something to eat—the surprise. You must have
> guessed that, knowing Fatty Coon as you do.

CROW: *I* expected it was going to be the summer he got into voice acting.

> "Come, children!" Mrs. Coon said.

MIKE: What do you suppose Fatty’s siblings who *didn’t* rate their own book are like?

> "Come with me! I’m going to
> give you a treat—something specially nice."

CROW: We’re going out to watch ‘The Hound That Thought He Was A Raccoon’.

> "Is it something to eat?" Fatty asked,

ALL: *Groan*.

> as they started off in
> the direction of Farmer Green’s fields.
> "Yes—and the best thing you ever tasted," Mrs. Coon said.

MIKE: It’s your enemies coming to you and saying you were right all along! In public!

> Fatty was greatly excited. His little bright eyes turned green
> in the moonlight.

TOM: Color-shifting raccoon alerts you to open Wifi networks in the area.

> He wondered what the surprise would be. And, as
> usual, he was very hungry. He walked close beside his mother, for he
> wanted to be the first to taste the surprise.

CROW: No, no, you want to smell the surprise, let its aroma paint a picture for your mouth.

> You would think that he
> would have wanted his two sisters to taste it first, and his brother
> Blackie, too. But you must not forget that Fatty was greedy.

CROW: We are incapable of forgetting that Fatty is greedy.

MIKE: On my deathbed, my last thoughts? My family? My friends? My childhood? No, it’s going to be ‘Fatty is a greedy raccoon’.

> And
> greedy people are not thoughtful of others.
> When Mrs. Coon turned out of the lane and crawled through the
> fence, Fatty squeezed between the rails very nimbly, for him.

ALL: [ Grunting, struggling noises. ]

> "Here we are!" said his mother.

CROW: Dunkin Donuts!

> Fatty looked about him. They stood in a field grown high with
> tall stalks of some sort, which turned to green, ribbon-like leaves
> half way up from the ground. Fatty grunted. He was very impolite, you
> see.

TOM: I hate these corny scenes.

MIKE: [ Lifts a hand to his forehead. ]

> "Well—what is there to eat that’s so fine?" he asked. "This
> stuff isn’t good. It’s like eating reeds." He had already bitten into
> one of the stalks.

CROW: [ As Mrs Coon ] ‘This, children, is raw High Fructose Corn Syrup!’

> "What do you call that?" Mrs. Coon asked. She showed Fatty a
> long roll of green that grew out of one of the stalks.

TOM: ‘Uh, uh, uh … walnut trimmings! … I panicked.’

> "That’s something like a cattail," said Fatty. "It isn’t good
> to eat."
> "Have you ever tried one?" asked his mother.

MIKE: Fatty’s siblings are really engaged with the cornfield here.

> "N—no," Patty said. "But Freddie Bluejay told me they weren’t
> good."

CROW: Patty?

> "He did, did he?"

TOM: ‘Was this before or after you batter-dipped him?’

> Mrs. Coon said nothing more. She stood up on
> her hind legs and pulled one of the tall stalks down until she could
> reach that long, green thing that grew there.

CROW: [ Flustered ] Um … oh, gosh, Mrs Coon!

> In a jiffy she had torn
> it from its stalk.

MIKE: [ Burying his head in his hands. ] Now you’ve got me thinking it!

> And then she stripped the green covering off it.

TOM: I … I …

> "Try that!" said Mrs. Coon with a smile.

TOM: Yeah, I’m dead. I died. There is no more me.

> Of course it was Fatty who tasted it first.

MIKE: Why do you have to do this to us, Crow?

> He took a good
> mouthful of the white kernels, and he was overjoyed.

CROW: Hey, at least it’s not going to get any more …

> Such sweetness!
> Such delicious, milky juice! It was a moment that Fatty never forgot.

[ CROW falls over, out of frame. ]

> Fatty began tearing down the stalks for himself and he never
> said another word until at last he simply had to stop eating just to
> catch his breath.

TOM: You suppose this is what it was like when Cookie Monster had his first Thin Mint?

> "What’s its name, Mother?" he inquired.

CROW: [ Returning ] Hello, Mother … hello, fodder.

> "Corn, my child."

MIKE: [ Mrs Coon ] Uh, is everyone else still with us? You didn’t eat your siblings again, did you, Fatty?

> "Well, why doesn’t Freddie Bluejay like it?" Fatty asked.
> "He’s probably very fond of corn," said Mrs. Coon.

CROW: And he wants to mess with your head ever since you ate his family.

> "And I’ve
> no doubt he was afraid that you would eat up this whole field, once
> you started."

TOM: I’m on Freddie’s side here.

> "I’d like to," said Fatty, with a sigh. "I’d like to eat all
> the corn in the world."

CROW: He’s, like, this close to being either a Harvey Comics character or a supervillain.

Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

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