And now for the ninth chapter of Arthur Scott Bailey’s 1915 children’s novel The Tale of Fatty Coon done over as a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfiction. This is as far as I got in the MiSTing I posted to Usenet for 2019 and I hope you enjoy reading it. Next week? … Well, let’s just see what I do.
Let me recap the past. Fatty is a raccoon who eats a lot. Or tires to eat a lot. He has tried to eat goshawk eggs, to get attacked by a goshawk. He’s tried to eat turtle eggs, and got away with it. He’s tried to eat squirrels, and been scared off by a “tramp raccoon”. He’s tried to eat a fishing lure, which Farmer Green laughed at. And he’s eaten green corn, so he could laugh at Farmer Green. Farmer Green’s son tried to catch him, and failed. And then tried again, by chopping down a tree Fatty was in.
For people who don’t need fat jokes in their recreational reading: yeah, you’re right. There are a couple in this and you should skip on to another thing that you’ll enjoy instead.
The first riff is a legitimate joke because I posted chapters six through nine I posted as one long file, so there was no break in the action after last chapter’s cliffhanger.
MIKE: Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting installment of …
MIKE: Oh, we’re just continuing right now, then.
> JOHNNIE GREEN LOSES HIS PET
CROW: Short chapter.
> Now, Farmer Green and his hired man had not chopped long
> before they stopped to breathe.
TOM: Now, not telling you your business, but if you breathed *while* chopping you’d be done in like half the time.
> They had not chopped long—but oh! what
> great, yawning holes they had made in the big chestnut!
MIKE: Frisky Squirrel pops out to ask why the heck you’re dragging *him* into *your* Drama.
> From the limb
> where he clung Fatty Coon looked down. The tree no longer shook. And
> Fatty felt better at once.
TOM: Well, once the wobbling dies down anyway.
> You see, he thought that the men would go
> away, just as Johnnie had gone away the night before. But they had no
> such idea at all.
CROW: [ As Fatty ] ‘A-HEM! I SAID, you’re GOING AWAY, just as Johnnie had gone away the night before!’
> "Which way are you going to fell her?" the hired man asked. He
> said HER, meaning the TREE, of course.
MIKE: The more people use ‘fell’ as a verb the less I believe it is one.
> "That way!" said Farmer Green, pointing toward the woods.
TOM: Pointing down.
MIKE: [ As Johnnie ] ‘Oooooooohhhhh.’
> "We’ll have to drop her that way, or she’ll fall right across the
> road, and of course THAT would never do."
CROW: It’d be a fun little surprise for rush hour, though.
> "But will she clear the trees on the edge of the woods?" The
> hired man appeared somewhat doubtful.
> "Oh, to be sure—to be sure!" answered Farmer Green.
MIKE: [ As the hired hand ] ‘So you’re sure?’
TOM: [ As Farmer Green ] ‘Eh, we give it a try, we see what happens.’
> And with that they set to work again. But this time they both
> chopped on the same side of the tree—the side toward the woods.
CROW: [ As Fatty ] ‘You guys do know I’m in the other tree, right?’
TOM, MIKE: D’oh!
> Now, if Fatty Coon was frightened before, you will believe
> that he was still more frightened when the big chestnut tree began to
MIKE: [ As Fatty ] ‘No, no, trees sagging is pretty normal, thanks.’
> Yes! it began to lean toward the woods. Slowly, slowly it tipped.
TOM: Step by step! Inch by inch!
> And Fatty was scared half out of his mind. He climbed to the very top
> of the tree, because he wanted to get just as far away from those men
> as he could. And there he waited.
CROW: [ As Fatty ] ‘If I wait long enough the tree will grow taller and I’ll be farther away!’
> There was nothing else he could do.
> Yes! he waited until that awful moment should come when the tree would
> go crashing down upon the ground. What was going to happen to him
> then? Fatty wondered.
TOM: What was going to happen to the *ground*?
> And while he was wondering there sounded all at
> once a great snapping and splitting.
MIKE: [ As Fatty ] ‘No, no, it’s just my pants … wait … I don’t wear pants! AAAAAUGH!’
> And Fatty felt the tree falling,
> falling. He could hear Johnnie Green shouting. And he shut his eyes
> and held fast to his branch. Then came the crash.
TOM: o/` Leader of the pack! o/`
> When Fatty Coon opened his eyes he expected to see Johnnie
> Green all ready to seize him. But to his great surprise he was still
> far above the ground. You see, Farmer Green had been mistaken.
CROW: It turns out Fatty was a sparrow all along!
> the big chestnut tree was taller than he had guessed, or the woods
> were nearer than he had thought.
MIKE: [ Hired hand ] ‘Maybe chopped trees don’t fall, you ever think of that, Mr Green?’
TOM: [ Farmer Green ] ‘Maybe we need to update the BIOS?’
> For instead of dropping upon the
> ground, Fatty’s tree had fallen right against another tree on the edge
> of the woods.
CROW: [ As Other Tree ] ‘Let me bear you in your troubles as you bore me in mine, my brother!’
> And there it lay, half-tipped over, with its branches
> caught fast in the branches of that other tree.
TOM: [ As Fatty’s Tree ] ‘My faithful friend! Let your name be recalled as long as the world-forest thrives!’
> It was no wonder that Johnnie Green shouted.
CROW: [ As Johnny ] ‘Hey! There’s no fulcrums in raccoon-catching!’
> And he shouted
> still more loudly when he saw Fatty scramble out of the big chestnut
> and into the other tree,
TOM: [ As Fatty’s Tree, burden relieved ] ‘Aaahhhhh.’
CROW: [ As Other Tree, burdened ] ‘Oooof!’
> and out of that tree and into another,
CROW: [ As Other Tree, burden relieved ] ‘Aaahhhhh.’
MIKE: [ As Another Tree, burdened ] ‘Oooof!’
> then out of THAT tree.
MIKE: [ As Another Tree, burden relieved ] ‘Aaahhhhh.’
CROW: [ As Next Tree, burdened ] ‘Oooof!’
> Fatty was going straight into the woods.
CROW: [ As Next Tree, burden relieved ] ‘Aaahhhhh.’
TOM: [ As Next-after Tree, burdened ] ‘Oooof!’
> It was no wonder that Johnnie Green shouted. For he had lost
> his pet coon. He had lost him before he ever had him. And he was sadly
MIKE: Ferdinand Frog and Dickie Deer Mouse look at this scene and hide out of Johnnie’s sight.
> But Fatty Coon was not disappointed, for he had not wanted to
> be a pet at all.
CROW: Until he hears about how pets get fed every day.
MIKE: Um, it’s 1915. They hadn’t discovered taking care of pets back then.
> And he was very glad—you may be sure—to get safely
> home once more.
TOM: I *may* be sure, but I’m not perfectly convinced.
CROW: That’s enough. You think …
MIKE: Yeah. Let’s blow this popsicle stand, yeah.
[ ALL file out ]
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Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and settings and concept are the property of Satellite of Love, LLC. I’m just playing with their toys until any of them notices. _The Tale of Fatty Coon_ was written by Arthur Scott Bailey and published in 1915, so it’s the common property of all humanity to enjoy and develop and use as any and all of us see fit.
Keep Usenet circulating, says the guy who’s posted as recently as August to it.
> "I’d like to," said Fatty, with a sigh. "I’d like to eat all
> the corn in the world."