And now we reach the halfway point in my Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of Carrie L—‘s Reboot fanfic “Breaking the Barriers”. The whole MiSTing of this work should be at this link.
The story so far: Carrie, our author, was messing around on the computer one day when she got zapped into cyberspace! Or at least into the world of Reboot. She goes with Bob to investigate a weird energy portal thingy and finds series villain Megabyte. Megabyte captures her, and Symble the cat virus shoves the two of them through the portal before she can break free.
The riff about Chuck Woolery after a mention of “greed” referenced a short-lived game show, Greed, that he hosted back when every network was trying to clone Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The mention of “Valentina” refers to a series of novellas that Analog Science Fiction ran in the early 80s about some science types who accidentally created an artificial intelligence computer goddess. You know, like people did all the time back then. In hindsight, science fiction writers overestimated the capabilities of programming in PILOT. The stories got collected into a book that I remember as being a fast read.
The reference to Megabyte trying “to comprehend an Eckart” confuses me too. I think that it’s a typo and I meant “an Eckert”, as in Max Eckert’s various map projections. If it’s not that then I have no idea what it could mean. Crow’s riff about the fake note from Carrie’s parents strikes me as terribly mean, now, and I wouldn’t make it if I were writing this today. I say this acknowledging that it’s the sort of joke the show would make, at least in the 90s. (I can think of specific riffs, many delivered by Crow, built on the same premise.) Canadian 2-for-1 pizza was a Singapore pizza chain. I liked their pizza, but their gimmick — two pies for the price of one — meant they were selling too much pizza for me to get often. “Marlboro Day” reflects that I used to live in Marlboro and now and then they had Days.
I’ve edited this slightly, removing the name given to Carrie’s hometown, out of the concern for not unintentionally embarrassing her eighteen years later by naming what seems a pretty small place. This took out one riff, also, that was just the obvious riff to make about the place’s name anyway. I left in the bit where she named her best friend because I believe the character to be fictional.
> Part Sixteen
> As Carrie came to, she struggled to remember what had
TOM: It’s kind of that way for us, too.
> She looked up to find her computer running and her chair
> tipped over on its side.
CROW: It must have been a very small, localized earthquake…
> *Now I remember!* She thought, standing up.
JOEL: It was stuffing *instead* of potatoes!
> *Was it only a dream?* She picked up the chair, then noticed that
> the top was scratched.
CROW: It must’ve itched something terrible.
> As she inspected the gouges, her throat
> tightened. Only one thing could account for marks like that.
JOEL: She’s got a cat!
> turned slowly, hoping against hope that she wouldn’t find him there.
> She gasped and stepped back when she saw him. He had changed.
CROW: He was trying to make himself good enough for her.
> He was
> dressed elegantly, in an expensive looking Armani style suit.
TOM: Withholding antecedents doesn’t make the story more dramatic!
> hair was like fire,
JOEL: And vice-versa.
> but his skin was pale.
CROW: Oh, yeah, computer science guys.
> He was powerfully built as
> he had been as a virus,
TOM: Only now he wasn’t that scared of Norton Disk Doctor.
> and his face looked like the envy of every
> male model. He had the classic GQ gentlemanly look,
CROW: This is not to suggest every man wearing an Armani suit is evil.
TOM: But they are.
> yet he still had
> a look of power and greed to him.
JOEL: President Chuck Woolery!
> Even unconcious, Carrie recognized
> him immediately.
CROW: I thought she woke up?
> *So, * she thought, *that’s what Megabyte looks like
> as a human.*
TOM: I wonder what other humanoid bodies he might have turned into.
> She had often wondered that, but now, she would rather
> not have had to find out.
CROW: If her parents walk in this is going to be *so* weird to explain.
> Suddenly, her computer began beeping strangely.
JOEL: Is that you, Valentina darling?
> She turned,
> and then she was struck by something. She fell, with a limp body
> sprawled across her.
TOM: I hope telemarketers never figure out this trick.
> She pushed out from under it, and gasped as she
> saw the face. "Oh my God!" she whispered. It was Bob. He had
> followed her through the portal.
CROW: You’ve got male!
> He was dressed in blue jeans, a grey
> T-shirt and had a jean shirt over top. His hair had become light
> brown shoulder length dreads and his skin was a deep tan.
JOEL: He’s in the real world and he can still fit in the Commodore 64 color set.
> Carrie said. "Wake up!" she shook him gently. "Please, wake up!"
CROW: Oh, now he’s just being difficult.
> He stirred, and Carrie smiled.
JOEL: Someday he’ll be able to mix his own hot cocoa.
> Bob sat up, holding his head in his
> hands. "Oh, man." he moaned.
TOM: He looks around and discovers *he’s* been pulled into the world of *his* favorite cartoon.
> Carrie got up and helped him to his feet. "Thank goodness
> you’re alright!" Carrie said. Bob looked up at her and smiled.
CROW: [ As Bob ] Actually, half of me is —
TOM: [ Sternly ] No.
> "Nothing can bring a Guardian down."
JOEL: That’s why he’s so bad in escalators.
> He said, then winced in pain.
TOM: Aw, he’s going to Shatner all over the place.
> "Oh, brother," he said, "Does my head ever hurt!" Carrie giggled,
> then turned and stiffened. "We’ve got a problem."
CROW: I hope it’s not a word problem.
TOM: Yeah, that stupid dancing paperclip is back.
> She told Bob. Bob
> looked at her, puzzled. "What?" He asked.
TOM: There’s like eight thousand words to go and the only thing going on is some flirting.
> Carrie pointed at the
> floor beside them. "What? There’s nothing there." Bob said. Carrie
CROW: Those two trains left Chicago!
> "Exactly." she whispered, "Megabyte’s gone!"
TOM: So he regained consciousnessness, figured out where he was, planned what to do, and snuck out under cover of day, all in about sixteen seconds.
> * * * * * * * *
> * * *
JOEL: [ Singing ] Well, she was …
> Part Seventeen
JOEL: [ Continuing ] — you know what I mean —
> Megabyte stood silently, surveying the land that spread before
TOM: Most people don’t know this, but Megabyte’s a top geologist.
> He had never seen anything like this. *Quite strange.*
CROW: Megabyte tries to comprehend an Eckart.
> thought, as he inspected the horizon. Carrie’s hometown [ … ] was
> a small place, dominated by empty feilds, even though she lived in
> what was considered the heart of the town, closest to the small
> shopping mall.
TOM: It’s not so much a town as it is the setting *for* a town.
> Even from here, Megabyte could hear people and
> laughter. Turning, he headed toward the source of the noises.
CROW: That’s a pretty loud mall.
TOM: Both of Canada’s rowdy guys are there today.
> Carrie and Bob raced upstairs. "MOM!?!" Carrie shouted,
JOEL: Wait, that’s not his name, it was …
JOEL: Yeah, that’s it … or, wait, was it …
JOEL: They’ll have to answer me now!
> She ran into the kitchen
JOEL: Oh, no sense waiting.
> to find a note on the
CROW: Dear Carrie: Saw you drawn into computer, couldn’t pass up chance, goodbye forever — hey, wait!
> *Dear Mouse, we decided to out to dinner, and when we couldn’t
> find you, we figured you’d gone to see Bob.
TOM: But you don’t know anyone named Bob, so we worried about you. We hope it’s just a phase.
> We’ll be back by nine
> o’clock. There’s leftover pizza in the fridge for you. Love Mom.*
> Carrie sighed. "Thank goodness!" she said.
CROW: She’s at that awkward age where she needs her parents, but is embarassed to be in the same fan fiction with them.
> She looked at Bob, and he
> gave her a puzzled look. "How did they know you’d end up in
> Mainframe?" Carrie giggled.
TOM: It was a lucky guess.
> "Not you, silly!" she said, "My best
JOEL: Bob Bobbobbobovich.
> His name is Robert T. Gardien,
TOM: Famed for Crockett’s Victory Gardien.
> but everybody calls him Bob!"
CROW: I wonder what the ‘T’ stands for.
> Bob smiled "Bob T. _Gardien_?" he said, "And I just happen to be Bob
> the _Gaurdian_? No coincedence, right?"
TOM: Heh heh heh heh heh … I don’t get it.
> Carrie blushed. "If you’re
> ego gets any bigger," she teased, "you won’t fit in my house!"
JOEL: How’s he going to fit back in her computer?
> she grabbed his hand. "Come on!" she said, "We still have to find
TOM: He’s in the living room watching "The Raccoons."
> Before she left, she turned to the fridge. "Oh, just a sec."
JOEL: She needs to leave it a few instructions before she goes. [ As Carrie ] Ahem. Stay cool. There, that’ll do.
> she said, tugging the door open. "I’m hungry."
CROW: Forget saving the world! I want a Tim Horton’s doughnut!
> She pulled out a pizza
> box with the Pizza Hut symbol emblazened on it.
JOEL: Hey, product placement.
TOM: On second thought, let’s try starving to death.
> She put it on the
> table and opened it. "Yumm!" she said, "Full toppings! My fave!!"
JOEL: Toppings’ll make us sleepy.
> She pulled out a peice and took an enormous bite out of it. As she
> chewed enthusiastically, Bob looked down at the contents of the box.
CROW: That’s … not … pepperoni.
> "What’s that?" he asked. Carrie started to choke, swallowed hard,
> then started to laugh.
TOM: It’s funny ’cause it’s pizza.
> "You don’t know what a pizza is?" She asked
> him, surprised. "No." Bob said.
CROW: Think of it as a "Burger Time" gone horribly wrong.
> "Remember, you never had an energy
> shake, either."
JOEL: Shouldn’t she be eating Canadian 2-for-1 Pizza instead?
> Carrie blushed again. Then she offered her peice to
> him. "Wanna try some?" she asked.
TOM: How can a computer guy not live on pizza and Mountain Dew?
JOEL: He eats a lot of Thai.
> Bob took it gingerly, then, took a
> bite the same way Carrie had. She smiled as Bob closed his eyes in
CROW: The warm and tender moment is interrupted only briefly by the screams of Megabyte’s victims.
> When he had swallowed it, he opened his eyes and looked
> into hers. "That’s delicious!!" He said, and Carrie giggled. "I knew
> you’d like it!" She said. She grabbed another peice, "Let’s go."
JOEL: And, hey — let’s be careful out there.
> As they entered her backyard, they could hear noises coming
> from the area of the mall. "Oh no!!" Carrie shouted,
TOM: Augustus has fallen into the gloop!
> "He must have
> gone over there! It’s the Carnival this weekend!!"
CROW: They’re just celebrating the idea of malls.
> She turned to
> Bob. "There’s got to be tons of kids over there!!"
JOEL: Cumulatively, anyway, sure.
> Bob put his hands
> on his hips, and looked over at the mall.
TOM: I’m Hans Christian Anderson!
> He could see the midway
> rides and could hear the people laughing and shouting.
CROW: It’s terrible! They’re celebrating Marlboro Day! And it’s not Marlboro!
> "Glitch," he
> said, raising his left arm, only to find nothing there. "Glitch!?!"
JOEL: Uh, more like minor blooper, thanks.
> Carrie turned to find Bob looking at her, worry etched into his face.
> "Where’s Glitch?" He said. Carrie looked at the empty spot above his
> left wrist.
CROW: Shouldn’t there be a hand there?
> "I don’t know." She said. "Wait! What’s in your pocket?"
TOM: Twenty-two cents, an unidentified key and three pieces of string.
> Bob reached into his pocket, and pulled out what looked like a tiny
TOM: Oh, it’s so cute at that age!
CROW: Bet it wants its mommy.
> It was grey and black with the word ‘Glitch’ inscribed on
> it in metallic blue. "Glitch?" Bob asked, and the little computer
> beeped almost cheerfully.
JOEL: I hope we get to see it grow up into an Artoo droid.
> "Well," Carrie said, "Now I know what
> Glitch looks like in my world, too."
CROW: Sure do.
TOM: There’s no gainsaying the obvious.
> Bob smiled, and put Glitch back
> in his pocket. "O.K.," he said, taking Carrie’s hand, much to her
> delight. "Let’s go!" and they headed towards the mall.
JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Oh, let’s just go to Borders instead.
[ TOM, JOEL, and CROW exit. ]
[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]
[ to continue … ]