MiSTed: Reboot: Breaking the Barriers (Part 13 of 16)


And now, after a Halloween hiatus, let’s resume Carrie L—‘s Reboot fanfiction “Breaking the Barriers”. All of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of her story should be at this link.

The story so far: a strange portal opens between our author/protagonist Carrie’s home computer and the land of pioneering computer-animated series Reboot. Carrie visits the digital world, where she gets along great with series hero Bob and assistant hero Enzo. and stirs up jealousy from Bob’s not-yet-girlfriend Dot. Even series villain Megabyte likes her, although as someone he can kidnap. The digital world visits her hometown mall, where Megabyte becomes a vampire and neck-bites Carrie. But a return to the digital world and an energy drink get her back into shape. Enzo, angry about all this, has gone off to the Data Dump to find something he can use against Megabyte. And that’s where this segment begins.

One riff mentions Clarabelle Cow as a gossip. I don’t know enough about Clarabelle Cow to say whether she is or not. I know at the time, Disney Channel where I lived was running a lot of segments explaining the minor characters and they said Clarabelle was a gossip.

I trust there was a specific episode of the 80s G.I.Joe cartoon I was thinking of, when Tom asks didn’t this happen in one episode. I no longer remember what. If you know, yeah, I’m curious. Don’t go to any great lengths figuring it out though.

I think Tom’s line about not letting the Tor hit you on the way out is one that gets the Brains’ voice right.

I remember thinking it was a funny concept to delete half a picture window. I now think it’s something where you would concede the logic says this should be funny.

In this segment I’ve replaced one joke. The original riff had alluded to a childhood prank/game that I’m ashamed I ever used. The replacement is funnier. I promise.


[ THEATER. TOM, JOEL, and CROW file in. ]

JOEL: *So* immature.

> As he came around
> the corner, he tripped over something. Pulling himself back up onto
> his feet, Enzo picked up the protruding object.

CROW: He’s found a porn spam!

> It looked like one of
> those old delete commands he’d read about in school.

JOEL: I’m pretty sure there still are delete commands.

> He picked it up
> and brushed it off. It glowed dimly in his hand.

TOM: Couldn’t that kind of delete thing take his fingers off?

> If he remembered
> what Miss Brodie had taught him,

CROW: Our Miss Brodie…

> these old commands couldn’t
> completely delete someone anymore,

JOEL: They’re just called delete commands for the fun of it.

> but they could do some damage.

TOM: So you can see why they leave that kind of thing lying around where anybody can grab it.

> From the look of this one, there was enough energy to at least hurt
> Megabreath.

CROW: The Big Bad Cyberwolf.

> Feeling confident, he leapt onto his zip-board, and
> zoomed away.

JOEL: The implication is, when your computer garbles your e-mail files, it’s the acts of venegence from your graphics display elements.

>
> Back at the Diner, Dot was watching Bob as he comforted
> Carrie. She was not impressed. Suddenly, the door burst open and
> Enzo walked in.

CROW: So Enzo went to the Data Dump, found the Delete command, and got back in about seven seconds.

> Dot, Bob Carrie and Megabyte all turned to look at
> him.

ALL: NORM!

TOM: Norman.

> Enzo strod in, his hands hidden behind his back.

JOEL: He just does that so they don’t have to draw his hands.

> He stopped a
> few feet from Megabyte and smiled slyly.

CROW: OK… got a riddle for you. If an egg and a half can raise a day and a half in a chicken and a half … wait.

> Megabyte simply looked down
> at him. "Enzo!!" Dot said, "Where did you go?" she asked.

JOEL: Was it cold? Did you wear your warm clothes?

> Enzo only
> stood there, smiling at Megabyte. "Enzo, what are you doing?"

CROW: He didn’t even go to the Data Dump, it all happened in his mind.

> Bob
> asked as Enzo stood ready, the delete command held tightly in his
> hand.

JOEL: As his fingernails dissolve.

> "Giving this guy what he deserves!" Enzo shouted, and threw the
> command at Megabyte with all his strength.

TOM: Unfortunately his aim’s bad and he deletes the salad bar, the soda fountain, and half a picture window.

>
> * * * * * * * *
> * * *

CROW: A long cold front ending in a small vortex.

>
> Part Twenty-Five

TOM: There is no joke to make about that fact.

>
> "Noooo!"
>
> Megabyte stood, surprised, as Enzo whipped the command at him.

TOM: Here’s a role reversal from the usual dodgeball.

> Then, before he could move, a figure jumped in front of him.
> "Stop!!" she screamed.

JOEL: In the name of love!

> Carrie had placed herself between Megabyte and
> the rapidly approaching command.

CROW: You know it’s serious because we’re moving in slow motion.

> Bob watched in horror as Carrie
> stood with her arms stretched out, protecting the virus.

JOEL: But Megabyte ducked.

> "Glitch,"
> Bob ordered, "Catch!!"

TOM: Unfortunately Glitch was owned by Bill Buckner, and…

[ CROW wimpers ]

> Glitch chirped and caught the command in an
> energy beam. Carrie looked over at him and smiled. Then she moaned
> quietly and collapsed.

JOEL: She’s had a hard day what with becoming a transparent Canadian vampire and all. Let her rest.

>
> Megabyte looked down at Carrie’s fallen form in wonder, then
> picked her up gently.

CROW: [ Singing ] What have I done? … I’ve killed da WAB-bit…

> Bob and the others watched in surprise as
> Megabyte placed her on the counter once again.

TOM: Lucky thing Bob, Enzo, and Megabyte *are* the lunch rush.

> Then, he opened a
> vid-window. A viral binome saluted as he realized it was Megabyte.

JOEL: Hey, aren’t binomes the creepy guys that stole the Enterprise in the good episode from Next Generation’s first year?

> "Yes, sir?" he asked. "I want my limo at Dot’s Diner now. And get
> the infirmary ready for an incoming patient." Megabyte ordered.

CROW: So he’s taking her to the infirmary after she was hurt after taking her to the diner after she was hurt. What a sweetheart!

> The
> binome saluted and Megabyte closed the window before he could answer.

TOM: Ooh, communications breakdown. Their relationship’s in trouble.

> Bob stared as Megabyte picked Carrie up once again, and started toward
> the door.

JOEL: Hope he remembers to turn sideways before going through the door.

>
> "Wait!" Bob said, and Megabyte turned.

CROW: [ As Megabyte ] Uh, I’m *busy*.

> "Where are you taking
> her?" he asked. Megabyte frowned. "To the Tor." he rumbled.

TOM: [ As Bob ] Well, don’t let the Tor hit you on the way out.

JOEL: [ As Megabyte ] Ow!

> Bob
> looked confused. "Why?" he asked. Megabyte simply looked at him.

CROW: Because if we stay here any longer we have to order something.

> "She just risked her life to save mine. That is something that does
> not go unnoticed."

TOM: Didn’t this same thing happen with G.I.Joe once?

> He turned and left, entering his waiting limo.
> Bob raced outside and watched as Megabyte’s vehicle zoomed away. He
> pulled out his zip-board and took off in pursuit.

CROW: They’d get there faster if they just dropped themselves into another folder icon.

> Inside the Diner,
> Dot was talking to a very depressed and upset Enzo. "Why did you do
> that and where did you find that command?"

JOEL: Revenge; and Big Denny’s Discount House Of Loaded Firearms, Defective Firecrackers, and Hair-Trigger Mines.

> she asked. Enzo didn’t
> answer. Dot reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. "What’s
> wrong?" she asked, worriedly.

TOM: Uh, Dot, you were in the scene just passed, right?

> Enzo looked up at her, tears filling
> his eyes.

CROW: Now why would a sprite need to cry?

JOEL: Because he was assigned to Smurf Adventure as the bottom half?

> "I didn’t want to hurt Carrie,." he sobbed, "just
> Megabreath!!"

CROW: It’s only *technically* attempted murder. He *needed* killin’.

> With that, he began to weep and Dot held him, not
> totally sure what to say.

JOEL: A cautionary tale about venegence, or just three more chapters?

>
> * * * * * * * *
> * * *
>
> Carrie wasn’t sure what had happened,

TOM: Hey, why doesn’t that break rate a separate Part?

> but what she did know
> was that when she awoke, she found herself in a room she had never
> seen before. "Ah, you’re awake."

CROW: [ As Megabyte ] We downloaded you into a chicken. That OK?

> The voice came from the darkness
> that surrounded her. She knew who it was as soon as she heard it.

JOEL: Unicron!

> "Megabyte." she whispered. He walked out from the shadows, smiling.

TOM: They always walk out of the shadows, smiling. Don’t any supervillains pay the electric bill?

> Carrie took no comfort in his smile. "Why did you bring me here?" she
> asked.

JOEL: He’s hoping to collect the five cent deposit.

> "Now, now." he said, "I mean you no harm." He walked up to
> the side of the bed she was on and looked down into her eyes.

CROW: Don’t worry… We won’t hurt you…

> Carrie
> stared back, mesmerised.

TOM: Sleeeeeeep!

> Megabyte’s eyes were cold and hard, yet,
> somewhere deep below the surface, there burned the fire of feirce
> emotion.

JOEL: Fierce yet generic emotion.

TOM: It’s dull surprise.

> She couldn’t move. It were as though she had been
> hypnotized.

CROW: Brrrrrrr….rruk … cluck cluck cluck cluk cluk…

> Her mind told her that Megabyte was bad news, yet
> something about him intrigued her incredibly. He offered her a hand,

[ JOEL claps ]

> and she took it cautiously. He pulled her up into a sitting position,
> and she swung her legs over the side.

TOM: This is the tender, loving side of Megabyte.

>
> Suddenly, an alarm went off and they both looked up quickly.

JOEL: Klingons!

> A vid-window pinged into existance before them. "Sir!" the viral
> binome saluted, "There’s an intruder on the third level!"

CROW: Sonic the Hedgehog is breaking in!

> Megabyte
> frowned. "Show me."

TOM: Here’s a bunny, and here’s a butterfly, and here’s a puppy dog.

> The viral saluted again and quickly pushed a
> button. The screen switched to a shot from above the intruder,

JOEL: It’s like watching soccer coverage.

> zooming along on a zip-board. "Bob!?!" Carrie said. Megabyte
> frowned, then signaled the viral binome again.

CROW: Why can’t they just learn to not hang up?

> "Should we stop him,
> sir?" The viral asked, excitedly.

TOM: Have they ever been able to stop him?

> "No." Megabyte rumbled. "Allow
> him through."

JOEL: First make him say "Pretty Please with Sugar and Spice on Top."

>
> "Allow him……?" The binome started. "Ahem. Yes sir!" The
> viral saluted again, and the window closed.

TOM: I bet you ten bucks when we get out of here that guy shows up on the hex field view screen.

CROW: You’re on.

> Megabyte turned to Carrie
> and smiled. "It seems the Guardian is concerned about you." he
> chuckled.

CROW: The Mirror doesn’t give a dang, and the Daily Mail barely acknowledges you exist.

> Carrie just looked at him, uncomprhendingly. "What do you
> mean?" she asked.

TOM: What part of that sentence didn’t she get?

> "Well, it’s none of my business, but it seems that
> there already was a significant other in Bob’s life before you came
> along."

JOEL: I didn’t figure Megabyte was a gossip.

CROW: The Clarabele Cow of Mainframe.

> Carrie stared at him in shock, then gasped, covering her
> mouth. *Of course!* she thought, *I forgot about Dot!*

TOM: And here she is, a huge fan of the show, and she forgets its basic emotional dynamic.

> She looked
> down at the floor. *I must really be causing trouble.*

CROW: Aw, the story wouldn’t be the same without you.

> Megabyte
> smiled as he watched Carrie. Perhaps if he could occupy the Guardian
> with his female problem,

JOEL: Oh, yeah, like computer guys have anything to do with girls.

> he would be too busy to bother with stopping
> any attempt at the Supercomputer.

TOM: Maybe Megabyte should try taking over something easy, like a Street Fighter arcade game, and then work his way up to supercomputers.


[ To continue … ]

Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

Please Write Something Funnier Than I Thought To

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