I hope that you’re enjoying this circa-2003 Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction, riffing on Robert McElwaine’s update from the Galactic Federation of Light. You can read the whole of the MiSTing here. If you don’t like it, that’s all right, I’ll have something else running here in two weeks.
“If [someone] had gone straight to the police, this would never have happened” has always been one of my running jokes in MiSTings. It’s a mistaken reference to the Woody Woodpecker cartoons Bronco Busters. In the cartoon, about how Woody gets taken by a scammer time and time again, the narrator repeatedly says “if Woody had gone right to the police, this would never have happened”. But I started using it as a reference ages before YouTube was a thing and there was just no checking these things.
Gurmit Singh’s a Singaporean actor and comedian. There’s no good reason to reference him, just, tossing in some local-for-me-at-the-writing color is all. Blue Kryptonite was harmless to Superman but crippled Bizarro. (Usually; the stories, somehow, were not always perfectly consistent.)
Please do not cut yourself on the razor-sharp edge of my takedown of Star Trek: Enterprise.
> At times, these wars seemed endless.
CROW: It was like watching the History Channel.
> The
> devastation’s intensity was inconceivable. We were always astonished at
> the extent to which the star-nations of Anchara would go in order to
> ‘win’ these wars.
MIKE: Star-nations of Anchara? There’s galactic warfare about whether to accept Captain Archer and Team Bland on `Enterprise’?
> Their fierce stockpile of weapons and unspeakably
> brutal military forces sparked a reign of terror across this galaxy.
CROW: Yet still they can’t explain John Ashcroft.
>
> Eventually, our growing alliances led to the Galactic Federation
> of Light.
TOM: And that’ll have to be enough for you.
> The Galactic Federation was one of a number of organizations
> – neutral, dark or one with the Light – operating in this galaxy.
MIKE: And all striving to become the Master of Orion.
> At
> any rate, the wars produced a vast number of ‘wandering’ star-nations
> that moved about according to the circumstances caused by the wars.
CROW: If the Galactic Federation of Light had gone straight to the police, this would never have happened.
> From them, we learned a great deal about the hate and the needless
> actions and divisions caused by limited consciousness
MIKE: You know, like when you overdo the Robitussin.
> and its constant
> train of fear and wrongly-derived assumptions. We found this quite an
> eye-opener.
TOM: It was zesty, and it had a great minty taste!
> We also learned the extent of the Ancharites’ deception.
CROW: The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Dionne Warwick — none of them ever really existed!
TOM: What?
> Although we were shocked, initially, at how dark this galaxy had
> become, we realized, deep in our Hearts, that this insanity would
> definitely end.
MIKE: Oh, yeah. Superadvanced cosmic being and I bet they just whip out the Ritalin.
> Until that divine moment, we had to do whatever we
> could to stalemate the continuous wars.
TOM: But the Galactic League of Nations proved to be a disappointment.
> Thus, we created technologies
> and strategies that would bring about the required results.
CROW: That seemed too hard, so we started playing Europa Universalis II for a couple millennia to kill time.
>
> Ultimately, just over two million years ago, these wars produced
> conditions that allowed us to colonize your solar system.
MIKE: And we’ve still got half our stuff in cardboard boxes.
> A new set of
> broad-based attacks by the Ancharites, nearly one million years ago,
> destroyed these first human colonies.
TOM: A million years these Federation of Light creeps float about the planet and none of them remembers to not leave sitting ducks all around.
> Later, a counter-attack by
> Galactic Federation forces culminated in the second Earth colony of
> Lemuria
CROW: So Joey the Lemur was a space alien?
TOM: Actually, yeah.
> and the destruction of the Ancharites’ main planetary world.
MIKE: The genocide was necessary, as otherwise some of the Ancharites might have lived.
> Its explosive end produced the asteroid belt that now revolves between
> Mars and Jupiter.
CROW: Explosive ending! No one will be admitted during the last five minutes of the Ancharites’ home world.
> Moreover, many of the smaller moons of Mars, Jupiter
> and the solar system’s other outer planets are the result of the
> carnage from these explosions.
TOM: A couple of them were just tchochkes we picked up at garage sales.
> Indeed, your solar system is a curious
> monument to the violence that was part of these wars.
CROW: Please observe silence while visiting the Solar System.
> It even extends
> to the outer layers of cosmic dust and larger particles that form the
> edge of your solar system.
MIKE: This is all related to Blue Kryptonite, isn’t it?
> Because these clouds were unduly charged,
> the outcome was a constant barrage of comets and asteroids.
TOM: But they do all look really festive come Christmas time.
>
> Even your Sun was not spared the degrees of violence of which the
> Ancharites were capable.
MIKE: And with our powers and a million years to try it was too much work to fix it up again.
> They attempted to permanently disrupt your
> Sun’s interaction with her planetary daughters,
TOM: By being vicious gossips.
> resulting in the highly
> elliptical orbits that still characterize the way your solar system’s
> planets circle your Sun.
MIKE: The tragic result of putting unbalanced loads in the washer.
> Initially, these orbits were almost circular.
> For that reason, a circle has a 360-degree arc.
CROW: Bake your circle at that 360 degree arc for fifteen to twenty minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
> In your world, this
> commemorates the original solar year of 360 days, each lasting 24
> hours.
TOM: Is that mean solar or sidereal time?
> The first colonists of ancient Lemuria decided not to alter this
> situation,
CROW: This reminds me of a story that happened once in … Zobooland.
> and kept this anomaly as a sign to future generations of
> what had actually occurred in this once splendid and beautiful solar
> system.
MIKE: Nice of them to leave us such a hint.
> These wars also caused the conditions needed to plunge you into
> the morass that we know as limited consciousness.
CROW: So, the Federation of Light wants to bring Light to the universe and does it by leaving a broken-down solar system and dropping colonists on it who’ll be too stupid to do any Light-bringing?
TOM: It’s the Galactic Federation of Durrr.
>
> Clearly, the dispersion of humanity into your solar system – even
> your fall into limited consciousness – are by-products of these galaxy-
> wide wars.
TOM: As soon as you leave the solar system, though, you’ll figure out how to travel interstellar distances.
> Furthermore, the Galactic Federation’s acceptance of a
> nearly ‘hands-off’ policy was the result of circumstances brought about
> by these same wars.
MIKE: That hands-off policy that did so well to avoid the war in the first place.
> This policy allowed the Anunnaki to become your
> overlords, and their earthly minions to secretly control you for the
> past 13 millennia.
TOM: Oh, *good* one, Galactic Federation of Light.
> However, this situation was dramatically changed by
> your rise in consciousness and by the Anunnaki’s recent turn to the
> Light.
CROW: And, what the heck, nothing good on TV this week anyway.
> These events have made possible the Galactic Federation’s direct
> intervention in your affairs.
MIKE: The protection money we demand will be reasonable and collected infrequently.
> It has also given us an opportunity to
> assist those forces of Light that are laboring to transform your world.
TOM: Unfortunately, the only agents they have on the scene are Judge Reinhold and Gurmit Singh, so it’s taking a while.
> This has resulted in the agreements that are about to be revealed.
CROW: I’m betting they call for people to wear less black, though.
>
> Heaven and your collective self are co-creating your reality.
MIKE: You put it that way, I feel so *naked*.
> You
> are interconnected Beings who are sharing the same destiny. That
> destiny is to be returned to fully conscious Beings of Light.
CROW: Just two weekends a month, and two millennia a geologic age.
> The
> concluding phase, before this divine transition can be fully revealed
> to you, has taken much too long for our liking.
TOM: Frankly, you’re on the verge of failing this class!
> Finally, the last
> vestiges of the dark have begun to see that their continuing battle is
> truly in vain.
CROW: The movies of Jerry Bruckheimer will get more desperate.
> This acknowledgement has allowed a new energy of
> positive intention to envelop your beautiful, blue orb.
MIKE: Clean it every other weekend with a damp cloth, and keep it out of direct sunlight.
CROW: This is what the Mirror Universe had instead of “Highlander 2.”
> This energy has
> provided additional courage to those who are enforcing the agreements,
TOM: This is all going to end up at the World Trade Organization somehow.
> which guarantee that a new reality can be manifested, now, upon your
> world.
CROW: Watch your doorknobs for signs of opening blue eyes.
> We thank all who have helped and, especially, convey our deepest
> gratitude to all Light workers. Your victory is approaching!
TOM: No, really. Going to be here soon. Can’t see it taking more than another 375,000 years at the *latest*.
[ to conclude … ]
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Another Blog, Meanwhile 
CROW: It was like watching the History Channel
TOM: ….with 47% less Hitler.
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You know, given the shift of History Channel from World War II to Aliens, this has made the Galactic Federation of Light even more on-point for them than it was when I wrote this originally.
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