I have this logged in a folder marked “recently used MiSTings”, as I first published it here back in April 2020. But consider how long ago that was: back then, we were trying to end the Covid-19 pandemic. So, since the resource I thought had some older vintage MiSTings was less accessible than I thought, please, enjoy this bit, originally written in 2018, making fun of that guy who totally hacked your account and has the proof.
The only riff that really needs context here is that in 2018, we thought 2018 was a brutal year.
MiSTed: You password must be need changed (your password:group2) [ 0 / 1 ]
[ THEATER. ALL file in. ]
> From: <firstname.lastname@example.org>
CROW: I love email@example.com’s writing!
> Subject: You password must be need changed (your password:group2)
TOM: Remember, you promised you’d walk and feed *and* change your password when we got you one!
> Date: November 15, 2018 at 4:36:12 PM EST
> To: group2 <firstname.lastname@example.org>
CROW: Group 2 is the cool group. We don’t need those Group 6 wieners.
> Dear user of site.tld!
MIKE: Hi! Been a crazy year, hasn’t it? So what’ve you been up to?
> I am a spyware software developer.
TOM: Well I’m a level-12 half-orc mage so don’t you go trying to beat my initiative roll.
> Your account has been hacked by me in the summer of 2018.
CROW: Man, you wanna feel old? The summer of 2018 was *this* *year*.
> I understand that it is hard to believe,
MIKE: But I can flare each nostril separately from the other!
> but here is my evidence:
TOM: [ Fumbling, feeble voice ] Um, heh, sorry, thought I had the thingy plugged in … uh … heh, see, it’s a mini USB … or micro … uh, heheh … maybe it’s upside-dowooops, dropped it.
> – I sent you this email from your account.
MIKE: It’s asking you to celebrate someone’s ‘work anniversary’ on LinkedIn for some reason?
> – Password from account email@example.com: group2 (on moment of hack).
TOM: Prices higher west of the Rocky Mountains.
> The hacking was carried out using a hardware vulnerability through
> which you went online
CROW: Yeah? Well I only respond to emotional vulnerability.
> (Cisco router, vulnerability CVE-2018-0296).
MIKE: [ Military Nerd voice ] Excuse me but the CVE-2018-0296 is the USS Ranger, a Forrestal-class supercarrier with a displacement of 81,000 long tons under full load *thank* you.
> I went around the security system in the router,
CROW: I jabbed my foot into an endtable.
> installed an
> exploit there.
TOM: Stepped on a Lego block … you know, your security is pretty *good*, I have to say.
> When you went online, my exploit downloaded my malicious code
MIKE: Well, it’s not malicious so much as it is passive-aggressive code.
CROW: ‘No, go ahead and read my page with the adblocker on, I’ll be fine.’
> (rootkit) to your device.
TOM: Hey, we’re trying to stay PG here!
> This is driver software,
CROW: This is driver software on drugs.
> I constantly updated it,
MIKE: The only way to foil it is to hit ‘postpone updates until tomorrow’ every single day!
> so your antivirus
> is silent all time.
TOM: Your Antivirus Silent All-time Hall of Famers!
> Since then I have been following you
CROW: Did you see me clicking like and share?
> (I can connect to your device
> via the VNC protocol).
MIKE: The VNC Protocol, starring Clint Eastwood, George Kennedy, and Vonetta McGee.
> That is, I can see absolutely everything that you do, view and
> download your files and any data to yourself.
TOM: [ Voice warbling ] Even my Knuckles/Marrissa Picard fanfic?
> I also have access to the camera on your device,
[ CROW and TOM squirm, uncomfortable. MIKE looks up so as not to have to acknowledge either. ]
> and I periodically
> take photos and videos with you.
MIKE: [ As though reading a postcard ] Having wonderful time, wish I were here …
> At the moment, I have harvested a solid dirt…
TOM: [ Dramatic sting ] DUN-dun-dunnnnnnnn!
> on you…
MIKE: Merciful heavens!
TOM: Oh, Professor Firefly!
> I saved all your email and chats from your messangers.
MIKE: Your mess angers.
TOM: Your Me’s Sangers.
> I also saved
> the entire history of the sites you visit.
TOM: You ah, got any copies of Web Site Number Nine kicking around there?
CROW: Your Mess an’ Gers?
MIKE: Oh, you always want a plate of those if you go to a British pub.
> I note that it is useless to change the passwords.
TOM: [ As Chico ] ‘Swordfish’?
> My malware update
> passwords from your accounts every times.
CROW: Yeah? Well … my festive clockwork bubbles from your kneepads every thermostat!
> I know what you like hard funs (adult sites).
TOM: Ooh, hard funs?
MIKE: Yeah, those are the anise-tasting funs your gramma keeps in that glass dish on the coffee table that still smells like smoke even though she quit eighteen years ago.
[ TOM makes a little disappointed groan. ]
[ To continue … ]