You’ve all gotten this e-mail, and it proved its credentials by showing you a password you used back in 2006 and, uh, until about a week ago too. Still, let’s continue turning it into Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction, shall we?
The bitcoin address is munged, of course; even if it was valid I don’t want people supporting this nonsense by accident. I tossed in a reference to “automobile titles” as an example of adult content, not knowing that my whole autumn 2021 would be taken over — against stiff emotion-wracking competition — by how I can’t find the title for my 2009 Scion tC. Serious talk here, kids: get your automobile title, or a duplicate, and put it somewhere you can lay hands on without ransacking the house.
“Swiss-style match pairing” is a way of organizing a tournament where it’s not possible for every participant to play every other participant. Each round sets out trying to get everyone playing someone with a roughly similar record in the tournament that they haven’t played already. (If there’s enough rounds, this does turn into “everyone plays everyone else”.) The “an educated consumer is our best customer” was the longrunning advertising slogan for SYMS, a New York City-area discount clothiers chain. I still haven’t seen any of the Jonah episodes of MST3K.
> Oh, yes .. I’m know your secret life, which you are hiding from
CROW: The weed of crime bears bitter fruit!
> Oh my God, what are your like… I saw THIS …
TOM: With a Hubbard squash?
MIKE: In the library?
CROW: On Professor Plum?
> Oh, you dirty
> naughty person … : )
MIKE: [ As Elmer Fudd ] ‘I’m just as God made me, sir …. hehehehehehehehe.’
> I took photos and videos of your most passionate funs with adult
TOM: Not my adult content! My automobile titles, my disclosure paperworks from the Dental Maintenance Organization. Ream after ream of cadastral maps for the properties I bought at the tax sale!
MIKE: Jeez, all *my* adult content is sad little grunts of pain after I kneel down and stand up again.
> and synchronized them in real time with the image of your
MIKE: Who cares about images of my camera?
[ CROW and TOM hide down in their chairs. ]
> Believe it turned out very high quality!
CROW: Sing the unwashed park bench gryphon!
> So, to the business!
MIKE: [ As Adam West ] To the business-pole, old chum!
> I’m sure you don’t want to show these files and visiting history to
> all your contacts.
TOM: *Including* that person at hotels.com that dealt with your weird duplicate-loyalty-card nonsense.
> Transfer $848 to my Bitcoin cryptocurrency wallet:
[ CROW just bursts out laughing ]
[ CROW continues giggling ]
MIKE: Foz Fib Plor?
TOM: I’m trying to figure this as like a Fozzie Bear branded Mister Pibb but it’s not coming together.
> Just copy and paste the wallet number when transferring.
TOM: It’s totally not the SimCity 2000 funding cheat code!
CROW: [ Still giggling ]
MIKE: You okay, buddy?
CROW: Yeah, I just, I mean, 848 dollars?
> If you do not know how to do this – ask Google.
MIKE: Well, he was going to demand $849 but figured, why be greedy?
TOM: I heard he was looking for $847.74 but rounded up the dollar to donate to the local food bank.
CROW: Oh, well that’s good of him, then.
> My system automatically recognizes the translation.
MIKE: ‘Translate from Latvian’? The heck?
> As soon as the specified amount is received, all your data will be
> destroyed from my server,
TOM: ‘Because I’m dealing with this annoying ransomware hacker myself.’
> and the rootkit will be automatically
> removed from your system.
CROW: Thanks to my self-propelled technogarden trowel!
> Do not worry, I really will delete everything,
MIKE: [ Warbly teenager voice ] E-e-everything?
TOM: ‘Well, not your DVR. That you have to watch on your own.’
> since I am ‘working’
> with many people who have fallen into your position.
CROW: Yeah, well, *I’m* taking pictures of you doing that on *your* web cam, how does *that* feel?
> You will only have to inform your provider about the vulnerabilities
> in the router so that other hackers will not use it.
MIKE: [ Extremely nerdy ] You know, even the most secure routers are vulnerable to a proton torpedo hitting their thermal exhaust port through a shaft right to the reactor system.
> Since opening this letter you have 48 hours.
CROW: 49, if it’s Daylight Saving Time.
> If funds not will be received, after the specified time has elapsed,
TOM: I’ll take $582.50 in bitcoin instead?
MIKE: How about $146 in dogecoin?
CROW: Would you believe what’s left on a $20 Borders gift card and a 50-pfennig coin I got going to Oberammergau in 1990?
> the disk of your device will be formatted,
MIKE: The format: Swiss-style match pairing, ten rounds or until 10:00.
> and from my server will automatically send email and sms
TOM: Oh, I don’t need all those sms, just send me one sm.
CROW: With sms an educated consumer is our best customer.
> to all your
> contacts with compromising material.
MIKE: It’s not ‘compromising’, it’s ‘seeking a pragmatic, centrist solution’!
TOM: Bad praxis, Mike.
> I advise you to remain prudent
CROW: When you’re prudent, you make a prune out of dents.
[ MIKE sets a hand on CROW’s shoulder. ]
> and not engage in nonsense (all files
> on my server).
MIKE: And all the ships at sea! Flash!
> Good luck!
TOM: If Woody had gone right to the police, this would never have happened.
MIKE: C’mon, let’s blow this popsicle stand.
[ ALL file out. ]
| \ | / \ | / \|/ ----O---- /|\ / | \ / | \ |
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and setup and situations and all are the property of … I guess it’s Satellite of Love LLC? I’m not sure anymore. The original spam was sent to my love’s work e-mail account so certain elements were modified so my love’s IT department didn’t get all cranky. It’s not a Jonah script because I still haven’t seen the Netflix series and while I started writing MiSTings after watching very few Joel and Mike episodes, ‘a few’ is still more than ‘literally zero’. Anyway, thanks for reading and let’s all have some hard funs, won’t we?
> I know what you like hard funs (adult sites).