And now let me wrap up my Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of James S Harris’s Usenet rant, “So They Lied”. When I split this piece up for easier reading, I thought this last piece was longer than it was. In word count it’s about the same as the first two segments. This may be some lesson about how the back-and-forth of text and riffing will seem different from the dialogue of host sketches.
At one point one of the sci.math regulars, trying to give James Harris every possible benefit, tried to use his revolutionary new factoring method as it existed that month (it saw many, many revisions) to decompose 15 into 3 times 5. The proof went on and on and on, and bringing in bigger and bigger numbers, and not showing any hints of producing a ‘3’ or a ‘5’ from all this. It’s the only time I have ever seen factoring numbers be laugh-out-loud funny. Mr Harris did not see the humor.
When I wrote this it was a safe bet that the Cubs would lose in excruciating ways. We’ve lost all our traditions lately. Bobo factoring large numbers in his head is another expression of my liking dumb characters having weird corners of hypercompetence. (And I remember doing some fishing around looking for a good prime number somewhere in the millions. The other numbers I think I found by taking some small prime numbers and multiplying them together.) I feel like Pearl’s fuming and then finally doing nothing more than throwing some papers around is a reference to something, but I can’t think what. The little “closing credits” line about the alien soccer tournament certainly refers to something, but I don’t remember if it was an in-joke with my friends or something that could possibly communicate.
> Is life really not fair, or are most people cowards to the truth?
MIKE: Uhm … I say ‘not fair’.
TOM: I say ‘coward’.
CROW: ‘Coward’, definitely.
TOM: Make mine ‘not fair’.
MIKE: I want to change to ‘coward’ now.
CROW: Maybe it is just ‘not fair’.
TOM: I’m gonna write in ‘The Beatles’.
> A person like me comes around only every hundred years or so,
CROW: The mathematics of Brigadoon.
> people forget.
> And then a LOT of people die,
MIKE: So World War I was started by the mathematicians?
> and then the mythologies are written,
CROW: About … mathematicians.
> legends are born.
TOM: About …
CROW: Yeah, I remember this one mathematician who … uhm …
> But make no mistake, you might be one of those people who die THIS
MIKE: But *only* if you finish your chores.
> I suggest to you that even if you don’t give a damn about mathematics,
CROW: Give a *darn*, thank you.
> couldn’t care less about what is truth, why should you protect fakes
> who have betrayed you, yet again,
MIKE: Maybe you like the fakes. Some of them have great parties.
CROW: I love those parties. You know, “Isn’t everyone here so really?”
> and in their inability to understand
> and their lack of intelligence, they leave the world vulnerable,
MIKE: The world is just feeling very fragile right this minute.
> because this time, to stop this post, all they had to do was step
> up–and protect the world?
CROW: Step right up! Protect three worlds for a nickel!
> TODAY they could have stepped up to protect the world.
MIKE: Tomorrow, they could step up to protect Neptune.
> Die for them?
TOM: Good question.
> And even if you won’t die, why let anyone else?
CROW: Strap a mathematician into a protective baby seat!
> Their quiet is your answer if you had questions.
MIKE: So it’s a good thing you asked them what quiet sounded like.
> Yes, they lied. They betrayed the world. And they lost.
TOM: But they’ve got a pocket full of quarters and can play all day.
> Question now is, who loses with them?
MIKE: I’m guessing the Cubs.
> James Harris
MIKE: Or yeah, he’ll do too.
[ ALL exit. ]
[ 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. TOM SERVO, MIKE, and CROW are filling out a form. ]
MIKE: All right, so, who was running the world according to that?
TOM: Uh … I don’t know … mathematicians were running mathematics?
MIKE: [ Writing ] And what was their objective?
CROW: We don’t have any idea.
MIKE: [ Still writing ] Don’t … have … idea. Method of ruling the world?
CROW: Something to do with prime numbers.
MIKE: Prime … numbers. Likelihood of success?
TOM: We have no idea what that was all about.
MIKE: … Was … all … about. Okay, Pearl, good luck with your world conquest through prime numbers.
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. PROFESSOR BOBO and OBSERVER are working as above; PEARL is in front, by the camera. After a pause OBSERVER does that brain-wave thing, and MIKE’s report pops into her hand. ]
PEARL: Excellent! And when we take over this … cabal … we’ll be able to … uh … factorize numbers like … twenty-eight thousand, eight hundred fifty eight in —
BOBO: [ Without looking up ] Two times forty-seven times three hundred seven.
PEARL: [ Slighty thrown ] Or … one million, five hundred thirty-one thousand, one hundred twelve …
BOBO: Two to the third power times eleven times one hundred twenty-seven times one hundred thirty-seven.
PEARL: [ Challenging ] 89 thousand, one hundred seventy-five.
BOBO: [ Finally looking at her ] Three times five squared times twenty-nine times forty-one.
PEARL: [ Testy ] Nine million … three hundred eighty six thousand … seven hundred thirty-one.
BOBO: Is already prime.
[ PEARL stares at BOBO. OBSERVER slips his pile of papers onto BOBO’s table while she fumes, and then slips away. After letting her temper build, PEARL grabs all the papers on BOBO’s table and throws them in the air, creating a flurry of sheets of paper. ]
PEARL: [ Turning to the camera; oddly pleasant ] Thanks for the help.
We’ll be in touch over the holiday season.
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Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the characters and situations therein are the property of Best Brains, Inc, so kindly nobody tell them about this and we’ll all be better off. The essay “So They Lied” is the property of James S Harris as posted to sci.math. This MiSTing as a whole is the property of Joseph Nebus, who doesn’t intend anything mean-spirited or hostile to James Harris, Brad Guth, Best Brains, or the concept of Mystery Science Theater 3000. If they just won the alien soccer tournament, they’re going to be too tired to fly all the way to Earth just for dessert toppings. Please come back, Dr Mike Neylon!
> Now I have found a new factoring method.
> Literally trillions of dollars WILL move as a result, but for now, you
> can see the quiet as these people keep lying.
[ The end ]