And here I finish off the “Chinese Fortune Cooky” advertisement I started last week. I don’t find much in this Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfic that needs explanation. You can see I wrote this when I still thought I would make a go of that Web Site Number Nine replacement. At the end of this is a bit that’s supposed to be an ASCII art representation of the mailing blanks, and HTML, alas, cannot understand the concept of “I want blank spaces here”. (Yes, I know about the non-breaking space.)
The original advertisement has a line delivered in that insulting “Chinese” stereotype fashion and while I make fun of it, if you don’t want that stuff in your recreational reading, you are right, and can safely skip this. While it was a fun MiSTing to do I can’t say this has any all-time great lines you’d regret missing.
> Yes! If you order twelve of these amazing Christmas
MIKE: Twelve? Who could possibly have twelve friends at Christmastime?
> the price is only $4.98 for the complete package delivered
> to your door — or only about 40c each!
CROW: 45 cents if you don’t have a door.
> If you order twenty-five,
> then each fortune cooky greeting gift cost you only 36c each!
MIKE: If you order 36, then each costs only twenty-five cents.
> however, you order fifty or more, then the price can be lowered to
> only 32c each, or $15.95 for fifty.
TOM: They sound hesitant.
CROW: Yeah, like they’re rethinking the whole cookie business model.
> This is far less than many good
> quality cards that cannot compare in the impact and joy that they will
> give your friends!
MIKE: I’d like to see a direct joy comparison on these cards.
> CHINESE SANTA CLAUS SAY:
CROW: Please, no.
> “Have Happy Thought
MIKE: Oh, dear.
> — Give
> Greeting that is also Gift!”
TOM: That’s enough, please.
CROW: Oh, thank goodness.
> Rush your order today to get your cooky greetings in
> ample time for Christmas mailing.
MIKE: Lest Chinese Santa Claus pop back in with more directions.
> Orders received
> after Nov. 20th will be returned.
TOM: Orders received before November 20th will be rotted out before Christmas.
> So send coupon
> right away.
CROW: Please tell me that’s not more Chinese Santa Claus.
> | HARRISON HOME PRODUCTS CORP.,
TOM: The only home products corporation named for President William Henry Harrison.
> DEPT. 10-DC |
MIKE: Department 10-DC, box 37, desk 4, altitude L-24.
> | 250 Passaic Street, Newark, N. J. |
CROW: Newark: where Christmas meets fortune cookies!
> | |
> | CHECK personalized greeting of your choice: |
TOM: Choose wisely. Wrong answers will be punished.
> | ___ Merry Christmas and Happy New Year |
> | Your Name Here |
MIKE: Ah, ‘Your Name Here’, renowned Chinese fortune cookie teller.
> | ___ Season’s Greetings |
CROW: o/` In our souls … o/`
TOM: o/` Yummy Fruity Pebbles in our bowls. o/`
MIKE: Stop, both of you.
> | Your Name Here |
MIKE: If you have no name, the name of someone you know may be substituted.
> | |
> | I want greetings signed ………………………….. |
> | PRINT PLAINLY |
TOM: I want greetings signed `PLAINLY’?
CROW: Worst Mad-Lib Ever.
> | |
> | Please send me ……….
MIKE: Please send me … [ drumroll … ]
> Personalized Fortune Cooky |
MIKE: [ Cymbal clash. ]
CROW: Yeah, still doesn’t quite work.
> | Greetings, complete with Gift Boxes and individual mailing |
> | cartons. |
TOM: Yes, but will they be mailed to you?
> | |
> | ___ Payment enclosed ……. |
CROW: They rolled it up and slipped it into a fortune cookie.
> | ___ Charge Diner’s Acc’t No. ……… |
MIKE: Charge! Diner’s accountant? No! [ Drumroll! ]
> | |
> | ___ 12 for $4.98
TOM: 13 for $5.38!
> ___ 25 for $8.98
CROW: Six will get you eggroll!
> ___ 50 for $15.95 |
MIKE: You know, I’d kind of like a hoagie instead.
> | SAVE MORE! For each additional 25 over fifty add $7.50 |
TOM: For 25 fewer under fifty subtract $7.50, and it’ll all work out.
> | |
> | NAME………………………………………………… |
[ CROW, TOM, and MIKE snicker overenthusiastically through this. ]
CROW: [ to MIKE and TOM ] All right, all right, ssh, shh, shhh …
[ to the ad ] FIRSTNAME …
[ ALL burst out laughing at this. ]
CROW: [ to MIKE and TOM ] Be cool, be cool. [ to the ad ] … M …
TOM: OOoh, hoo, hooooo, the silliness!
MIKE: Sssh, you’ll wreck it, Tom!
[ MIKE cackles ]
> | ADDRESS……………………………………………… |
TOM: [ to CROW and MIKE ] I got this one, ssh, stop giggling …
[ to the ad ] One Two Three …
[ CROW cackles and then keeps giggling ]
TOM: … 123 _MAIN STREET_!
MIKE: [ Clapping, and then to TOM and CROW ] I got this, you’ll love it.
CROW: Oh, how are gonna top …
> | CITY……………………………
[ TOM and CROW are bowled out of their seats laughing. ]
[ TOM and CROW pull themselves up just enough for this ]
TOM: Zone? Zone is forbidden!
CROW: Take permits many.
> STATE……….. |
[ TOM and CROW giggle in anticipation. ]
MIKE: [ Stoner voice ] State of Confusion, man!
[ ALL cackle and hoot at all this, and then … ]
> | |
[ ALL stop abruptly. ]
TOM: Well. What next?
> | In Canada:
TOM: Oh. Canada.
CROW: My something something something land.
> Order from Harrison Home Products Ltd., |
MIKE: A *completely* different company.
> | 675 King St., W.,
CROW: [ As Jimmy Durante ] It’s under the big St!
> Toronto, Ontario |
TOM: Wait, Toronto doesn’t get zones?
MIKE: Canadians just don’t get zones, man.
CROW: Let’s blow this popsicle stand.
[ 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. MIKE has a tray with some fortune cookies on top, and a paper-wrapped shoebox, and another similarly wrapped box about twice the size. TOM and CROW are to the side, watching this. ]
MIKE: Now, each of you has picked one fortune cookie and I’m giving Tom here the chance to trade what’s in the cookie for what’s in the little box, do you want to trade?
CROW: Take the box!
TOM: The box … the cookie … the box … yeah, I’m gonna go with the box.
MIKE: All right, and inside the box is … [ he lifts up the shoebox, revealing two fortune cookies inside ] Ah, another cookie!
[ CROW laughs at TOM. ]
MIKE: Now, do you want to look at the contents of the cookie, or do you want to trade it for the modestly larger box?
TOM: I … I …
CROW: Keep the cookie!
TOM: All right, the cookie.
MIKE: [ Cracking it open and eating the cookie ] And inside the cookie … ‘You get the modestly larger box!’
[ CROW cackles ]
MIKE: And inside the modestly larger box is … [ lifting it up, to reveal another fortune cookie ] … another cookie, with … [ MIKE cracks it open, eating the cookie and reading the fortune ] … ah! You win the original two cookies!
TOM: [ Completely baffled ] Uh … yay?
CROW: Ah, Tom, loser-boy, you get … uh … wait …
[ MIKE slides both cookies over to TOM. ]
CROW: I’m confused.
MIKE: Then we’ve had a good day. And if you at home are having a good day, why not consider the new MiSTings archive lurching its way into existence at http://www.-.com/mst3000/ ? It’s got MiSTings, and … uh … quotes from MiSTings, and isn’t that plenty in these troubled times? Thank you, won’t you?
[ MADS sign flashes; MIKE taps it. ]
[ DEEP 13. PEARL FORRESTER and DR FORRESTER are looking over boxes of DEEP 13-labelled stuff which they study. ]
PEARL: You know, if we have them buy cookie dough, and set delivery …
DR. F: Yeah, then they forget it and we can keep the money and the dough.
PEARL: [ Breaking concentration ] Is that a pun?
DR. F: No! No no no no no no no no … no … wait, was it?
PEARL: That was *totally* a pun. and you know what that means.
[ DR FORRESTER reluctantly turns around and walks, ashamed, to stand in a corner. ]
DR. F: [ Calling out ] Ah, until next time, cookie puss?
PEARL: Clayton! Rules.
[ DR FORRESTER slumps sadly in his corner. ]
PEARL: Cookies. What were we thinking? It should have been pot luck.
[ She presses the button ]
\ | / \ | / \|/ ---O--- /|\ / | \ / | \
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations and everything are the property of Best Brains, Inc, and don’t think anyone is challenging that at all. The Fortune Cooky scheme belongs to the Harrison Home Products Corporation of Newark, New Jersey, of 1962, and was advertised as such in the Diners’ Club Magazine of October 1962. http://blog.modernmechanix.com/2009/01/29/imagine-your-christmas-greeting-inside-a-chinese-fortune-cooky/ for the original.
Keep circulating the posts.
> CHINESE SANTA CLAUS SAY: “Have Happy Thought — Give
> Greeting that is also Gift!”