I resume again my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction treatment of Johnny Pez’s Isaac Asimov fanfiction “Safety First”. Mike Donovan and Greg Powell, troubleshooters for wayward robots, hope convince the Robots on the Venus terraforming station that a recent accident is no reason to evacuate all the humans. But the First Law of Robots, forbidding a Robot to let a human come to harm, seems insurmountable.
Breezley and Sneezley was a mid-60s Hanna-Barbera cartoon, pretty much “Yogi the Polar Bear”. A SuperChunk was a 90s Cartoon Network thing, a three-hour marathon of some cartoon that wasn’t the good ones — or at least the hilariously incompetent ones — as often as you would hope. Joel’s riff about “spell my name with a Zow” riffs on Asimov’s short story “Spell My Name With An S”, in which a nuclear physics researcher named Zebatinski is convinced to change the first letter of his name. I don’t know that Johnny Pez was making a reference to that story with the character’s name, except, yeah, I know he was. (“Spell My Name With An S” is a clever story, and has the metatextual fun of the title being Asimov’s plea to stop misspelling his own name already. As another person whose name can’t get spelled right, boy do I relate.)
There are a couple of times Arthur the robot says a drawn-out “yyyyes”, which I responded to with a Gale Gordon reference. This may be true to MST3K but, really, I (and they) should have made Frank Nelson references instead. I apologize for my error.
>
> Arthur’s photocells lit up,
TOM: *Good* morning!
> and he said, "I must evacuate all
> the humans from this station.
JOEL: "So, quick, into the Litttle Humans Room."
> Please reactivate my motor controls."
>
> "Arthur," said Donovan,
TOM: "Donovan," said Arthur, and we found ourselves at the same impasse.
> "just what would it take to convince
> you that the station was safe?"
CROW: "Five thousand dollars and a SuperChunk of ‘Breezley and Sneezley’ cartoons."
>
> "I would need proof that every possible source of danger had
> been guarded against."
JOEL: Couldn’t they just put up a bunch of signs that read "Every possible source of danger has been guarded against" all over the place?
>
> "All of which basically involve exposure to the Venusian
> environment," said Donovan.
TOM: The Venusian environment’s the big one. The cinder-block attack weasels are a close second.
> "Right?"
>
> The robot remained silent while it evaluated Donovan’s
> proposition.
JOEL: [ Impersonating Groucho Marx ] "Can’t you see what I’m trying to tell you, Missus Rittenhouse, I *love* you."
> "There are certain dangers of a physical nature," the
> robot said slowly,
TOM: And then there’s those mental risks, like having that dream where you show up naked to the final exam for a class you never heard of, and you have to give a talk in front of the whole faculty too…
> "such as injuries sustained due to errors in
> judgment."
CROW: Like joining in annual "Smash Your Head Into The Wall" day.
>
> "But those kinds of dangers aren’t unique to the station,"
JOEL: They’re just what makes it so much fun.
> Donovan pointed out. "Humans are prone to such dangers everywhere."
TOM: Essentially, humans are big goofy klutzes you can’t leave alone for five minutes.
JOEL: And then there’s our bad days.
>
> Arthur’s photocells flickered for a moment before he said,
CROW: "Is there something funny with the lights in here?"
> "True. Very well, I concede your point. Exposure to the Venusian
> environment is the chief danger posed to humans on this station.
TOM: That’s why I keep telling you to keep the door *closed*, what, are we terraforming the whole outdoors here?
> This still requires that they be evacuated."
>
> "So you think," said Donovan,
CROW: That doesn’t mean you *are*.
TOM: It kinda does, Crow.
CROW: Oh.
> "that the way to deal with the
> situation is to remove the humans from the threatening environment."
JOEL: With a little effort we could come up with a much more complicated solution that’s much harder to do and way less likely to work.
>
> "That seems to be the most straightforward way to proceed,"
> said Arthur.
TOM: Wait — that’s just what they *want* us to think! It’s a trap! Get out!
>
> "Wouldn’t it be even more straightforward to remove the
> threatening environment from the humans?"
CROW: Maybe, but cleaning up Venus would take a *lot* of Didi-Seven.
>
> Arthur was silent for another time before he said, "How would
> that be more straightforward?"
JOEL: It turns out Venus is just a scary matte painting, it’s no work at all to change one of *those*.
>
> "Well," said Donovan, "there’s always a certain amount of
> risk involved when transporting humans."
CROW: What with getting split into your good and evil halves, or being thrown into the mirror universe or being turned into a little kid or something.
>
> "Yyyes," said the robot slowly.
JOEL: [ As Mr. Mooney ] Luuuuuucille.
>
> "So if a solution were to present itself
CROW: Presents? Where?
TOM: For us?
> that would involve
> not transporting humans, that would be preferable, right?"
>
> "Yyyyyyes," the robot said again, even more slowly.
JOEL: Give him a nudge — I think he’s sleeping.
>
> "So it would actually be safer for the humans to remain here
TOM: With our bunny suits on, if need be…
> while the Venusian environment was made less dangerous. Right?"
CROW: Oh, so just go to the "Biosphere" control panel and turn down the Greenhouse Effect, drop a couple Oxygen generators and a couple vaporizers, and you’re set.
> Powell, standing behind Donovan, saw him cross his fingers behind his
> back.
JOEL: Oh, that means the story doesn’t count.
>
> There was a long, long pause
[ ALL snore. ]
> while the robot considered
> Donovan’s arguement.
CROW: Wouldn’t the robot just pretend to agree with the humans, put a padlock on his motor controls, and get back to getting them off the station?
> When the robot finally said, "There seems to be
> a certain logic to your position,"
TOM: It follows directly from your premise "I reserve the right to do what I want."
> Donovan felt himself sag with
> relief.
CROW: And the robot tells him not to slouch.
> "It would indeed be safer for the humans to remain here
> while the Venusian environment was made less dangerous.
JOEL: Still, I want to see you wearing those little inflatable rings around your arms from now on.
> I must
> resume my work culturing algae for the buoys.
TOM: And picking flowers for the goils!
> Please reactivate my
> motor controls."
CROW: Isn’t this where we came in?
JOEL: The story just avoided lapping itself.
>
> By the next morning, all the station’s robots had been
> convinced of the need to continue their work terraforming Venus.
TOM: Hey — if they’re not happy except when they’re terraforming Venus, what are they going to do when they’re done with Venus?
JOEL: They’ll go back and try doing it again, only this time holding their breath.
TOM: Oh… huh?
> Powell and Donovan had been showered with accolades by the station
> staff.
ALL: [ Dully ] Yay.
> The Station Manager, Irina Zebutinska,
JOEL: Spell my name with a *Zow*!
> met them in the
> shuttle bay as they prepared to leave.
TOM: [ As Irina ] "Wait, we were hearing some things about you from Billie Jean."
> "Once again," she said, "I’d
> like to thank you both for putting the Project back on track."
CROW: Ah-wocka-chicka-wocka-chicka…
[ JOEL puts a hand on CROW’s shoulder; CROW stops. ]
>
> Powell gave her a reassuring nod. "All in a day’s work,
> ma’am."
TOM: It’s been a hard day’s work, and we’ve been working like a dog…
> A glance to his left showed him Donovan rolling his eyes.
> He’d be hearing about that one for months.
CROW: I can’t see that line being worth several months teasing.
>
> The two were about to board their shuttle when they found it
TOM: I would *hope* they found it before boarding.
> blocked by one of the station’s robots, an SPD model.
CROW: By Revell.
> "Sirs," the
> robot said,
JOEL: … and, you too, Powell … and you, Donovan.
> "it would be safer for the two of you to remain on the
> station."
TOM: We’d also like you to put on this construction helmet, and strap these pillows around your body.
>
> Powell glared at Donovan.
CROW: [ As Donovan ] "How was I to know they’d join the Center for Science in the Public Interest?"
> The other man shrugged and said,
> "Hey, I did my part
TOM: [ Quickly, under his breath ] National Recovery Agency.
> by convincing them to let us stay.
CROW: They don’t usually even let tourists in at all.
> It’s your
> turn to convince them to let us go."
JOEL: Tell them the Mads found another "Master Ninja" movie, that’ll convince them it’s safer to leave.
>
CROW: And they were stuck on Aphrodite Station for the rest of their lives until they all died, the end.
> THE END
>
CROW: Ooh! That never worked before.
TOM: Hey, that can’t be all — nobody said anything "sardonically."
JOEL: We’ll have to tell on him.
> — Johnny Pez Newport, Rhode Island September 2001
>
>
CROW: Let’s blow this popsicle stand.
[ ALL leave. ]
[ COMMERCIALS. ]
[ to continue … ]
[ As this segment reaches the end of the story you may ask how this MiSTing is only part eight of sixteen. Well, there’s a host segment needed yet, and then — eh, you’ll figure it out. ]
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Another Blog, Meanwhile 
[ As this segment reaches the end of the story you may ask how this MiSTing is only part eight of sixteen. Well, there’s a host segment needed yet, and then — eh, you’ll figure it out. ]
You have yet to add Joel and the bots’ reaction to the word ‘evacuate’ like in “Rocky Jones: Crash of the Moons”
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Y’know, that’s not a particular joke I often feel like making. But I was very happy one time when I was summarizing the Next Generation episode with the Bynars, and the stunt where they fake a warp core kablooey or something and wrote, “the crew evacuates, and then leaves the ship”. That one worked like a charm.
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