MiSTed: Safety First (part 12 of 16)


And now we get to three-quarters through my MiSTing centered around Johnny Pez’s “Safety First”. The whole of the MiSTing is at this link. If you’d like to just catch the previous segment of this rant, a report from the Galactic Federation of Light, you can find it here. Or you can just jump in. There’s not that many millions of years of backstory.

The line about “Diet Galactic Federation” references how, like, Diet Coke is sold in some countries as Coke Light. Imperialism II was a turn-based grand strategy game that I spent roughly all of 1999 and 2000 playing. Mac System 9.1 broke it, so it was the first game I ever postponed upgrading my operating system for.

The host sketch has the biggest cast of any of my host sketches (I’m sure). My recollection is that the sketch started as just Joel talking with the Bots about the Laws of Robotics, and I found I didn’t have enough of a punch line for it. Combining it with a second idea that’s amusing but not quite possessed of a punch line elevates both, I think. (Still, Gypsy’s clearly reading Tom Servo’s lines.) It at least makes the sketch feel more like a hangout with people it’s fun to see, anyway. The sketch ends up being one I like for feeling plausibly like something the show might do, although it would be a staging hassle to get so many groups of people entering and exiting the Hex Field View Screen stage without someone tripping or bursting into flame or something.

Coming up with costumes that felt like people that might be on the Hex Field View Screen was fun. Also, if Tom Servo is obsessively pursuing a weird, needless goal? You probably have a good host sketch there. He obsesses in a more methodical, rigorous way than Crow does.


> However, rebel groups captured it about 13,000
> years ago.

TOM: I know it was a Wednesday, because we had meat loaf at lunch.

>
> "You are quite familiar with the sorry tale of this battle planet-
> world.

JOEL: A tale of a fateful trip.

> Let us merely say that, due to the influence of your solar
> system’s Spiritual Hierarchy and the demise of its dark allies,

TOM: And our first-round draft pick that year…

> those
> who dwell in the realm that you call Niburu

CROW: Better not call them that to their face.

> have turned to the Light
> and joined the Galactic Federation of Light.

TOM: I thought it was Diet Galactic Federation?

> We have fully welcomed
> this wondrous development,

JOEL: The light doesn’t mess up the film development?

> which is yet another sign of the
> transformation of your present darkness into Light.

TOM: You kids stop leaving all the lights on! We’re not trying to light up the great outdoors!

> You should realize
> that your own changes reflect the shifts in your reality

CROW: So you’ll want to adjust yourself discretely.

> and are part
> of our complex preparations.

JOEL: Now, let’s rehearse. Earth, duck down behind the love seat and be ready to shout "SURPRISE!"

> Underlying them is the sacred hand of
> Heaven.

CROW: Oh, and the Care Bears.

> Everywhere, the decrees of the divine plan are visible.

TOM: Except on the home shopping channels.

> Always
> remember, Beloveds,

CROW: [ Giggles ] Ooh … not out here, Luvy-kins.

> that the sacred work of the Creator is carried out
> according to a divine timeframe.

TOM: Subject to union restrictions.

> The moment for your final
> transformation is fast approaching.

JOEL: So if you’ve got any library books, return them soon.

>
> "Today, we have discussed current events in your solar system.

CROW: Now I want you all to go home and read the newspapers and bring us a clipping and be prepared to explain it tomorrow!

> They are a sign that your preparations are approaching their
> culmination.

JOEL: We can’t just throw this all together at the last minute.

> As they do so, we are increasing our care and effort.

TOM: You better appreciate this, mister.

> We
> are determined to complete this operation

JOEL: Water on the knees? … oh, wait, right…

> in the time that the divine
> plan has assigned us.

CROW: We may need an extention. See, we just got Imperialism II and we’re kind of hooked on it.

> Know, Beloveds,

TOM: Remember, Snuggy-cakes.

> that many marvelous surprises are
> converging on you.

JOEL: It’s like Christmas all year round!

> We now take our leave.

CROW: You were getting fingerprints all over it.

> Blessings!

TOM: [ Sneezes … then after a beat … ] Wow!

> Know that the
> endless Abundance and Prosperity of Heaven is yours!

JOEL: We just need somebody to sign for the delivery.

> Amen.

CROW: Shouldn’t it be "a *man*" instead?

> Selamat
> Gajun!

TOM: Tiamat Cajun?

> Selamat Ja!

JOEL: [ Waving ] Tiamat right back at’cha!

> (Sirian for Be One!

CROW: Sirian for BreathAssure!

TOM: Wait a minute, ‘Selamat’ isn’t alien. It’s Malay!

CROW: So they’re not being Sirius with us?

> And Be in Joy!)"

JOEL: And be in fun!

TOM: And be in seasons in the sun!

>
> Planetary Activation Organization

JOEL: Try putting in the batteries the other way around.

> http://www.paoweb.com

TOM: Paa-a-a-ao! Paa-a-a-ao-web!

> http://www.paoweb.com/uf080401.htm

JOEL: UFO ate 401?

>
> This copy was sent or reposted by Robert E. McElwaine

CROW: And we thank you for it.

TOM: Hey! This was McElwaine? And Forrester didn’t even warn us?

JOEL: I think he’s getting sloppy.

> PA’O Member

JOEL: [ Exaggerated Irish accent ] Pay O’Member, me lads.

> Eckankar Initiate

TOM: Necking Car Institute?

> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC

CROW: University of Weehauken — Easy Comics!

JOEL: Uncle Wobbly — Early Complainer!

TOM: United Wombats — Everyone Cheer!

> http://www.angelfire.com/wi/mcelwaine

JOEL: Where Angelfire goes, trouble follows.

> http://members.aol.com/rem460

TOM: Remember 460.

>

> See also the various web pages at http://www.disclosureproject.org .

CROW: Disclosureproject dot org dot com dot co dot uk dot edu dot dot dot.

>
>

TOM: Hey, we made it through to the other side.

[ ALL file out. ]

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. TOM is on stage left of the desk, facing (and talking to) the Hex Field View Screen. JOEL, CROW, and GYPSY talk, stage right. The Hex Field View Screen closes as the sketch starts. ]

TOM: … yeah, OK, all right, *bye*.

JOEL: So you see, the "Three Laws of Robotics" reflect in a way the ideal for human behavior, the selflessness, faithfullness, and kindness humans want to believe they’re capable of.

[ The Hex Field View Screen opens; a guy in a jumpsuit and a dog costume head is in it. ]

TOM: Yeah, hi, look, can you leave a message? I’m expecting a really
big call any moment now.

[ The dog shrugs and the View Screen closes. ]

JOEL: Now, you’re all well and adorably made robots [ JOEL scratches GYPSY’s head ] if I may say so myself —

CROW: Please *do*

JOEL: So if I order you to clean the load pan bays, you respond …?

GYPSY: Can’t.

CROW: Yeah. First Law priority override whatwhoosis.

[ The Hex Field View Screen opens; a guy in aluminum-foil robot costume is in it. ]

TOM: Hi. Waiting on a call. See you later. No, later. Bye. Have to *go*. *Now*. Good*bye*.

[ The Hex Field View Screen closes. ]

JOEL: Uh– no, no, see, First Law is where you can’t do something because it’d hurt a human, as in, me.

GYPSY: Or the mads.

JOEL: Yes, or Doctor Forrester or TV’s Frank.

CROW: Still, it’s to protect you we mustn’t clean the load pan bays.

JOEL: All right, how do you figure that?

[ The Hex Field View Screen opens; a spacesuited woman with propeller beanie and "Cave Dwellers"-type sword and shield is in it. ]

TOM: Yeah, hi. Look, I’m sure you’re wonderful, can’t talk now. *Bye*.

[ The Hex Field View Screen closes. ]

CROW: Fact: We mean the world to you.

GYPSY: And fact: Something might happen to us while cleaning them.

CROW: So if it *did*

GYPSY: You’d never forgive yourself.

CROW: The only thing we can do is save you from that sense of guilt.

GYPSY: So we can’t clean them.

JOEL: OK, have I tried explaining the Three Laws are metaphorical —

GYPSY, CROW: Yeeeees.

[ The Hex Field View Screen opens; there’s a cricket player in it. ]

TOM: Hi. You’re not on Venus, right? Right. Can’t talk. Bye. Bye. Goodbye. Leave. Now.

[ The Hex Field View Screen Closes. ]

GYPSY: Who’s Tom waiting for on the Hex Field?

JOEL: Oh, he just thinks Powell and Donovan are sure to call us, and he wants to tease Arthur when they do.

CROW: Should you really leave him alone like that? He could start an intergalactic war or something.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN begins flashing. ]

JOEL: It’s OK. I left him on the "harmless guys in silly costumes" chat hailing frequency.

CROW: Oh, he’ll be busy with them for *weeks*.

JOEL: Yeah. We’ll be right back.

[ JOEL taps COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ COMMERCIALS. ]


[ to continue … ]

Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

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