MiSTed: Safety First (part 13 of 16)

This Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction finally reaches to the last quarter of my work inspired by Johnny Pez’s “Safety First”. The whole of the MiSTing is at this link. The previous installment finished up a report from the Galactic Federation of Light. But this part starts a new rant, the Scientific Proof Of God. I’m glad to be able to bring you the proof.

There’s not much needing particular explanation this section. The Hall Effect is about how a magnetic field affects electrical currents. LUD is “local usage details”, that is, phone records, a thing I didn’t need to look up back when I watched Law and Order regularly. And boy, am I glad that joke about Yoko Ono was based on an informed opinion. I’d feel horrible if I were thoughtlessly repeating a weak line without considering whether its common currency might be due to misogyny with a slice of racism! I wouldn’t want to insult someone without ever considering whether the person deserves this insult!

[ THEATER. ALL file in. ]

> http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/SPOGFAQ.html

JOEL: Media One. A Media One Through Five Corporation.


TOM: [ Singing ] The SPOG FAQ is a little old place where… We can get! To! Get! Ther!

> What is the "SCIENTIFIC PROOF" of God? —

CROW: Do *you* know how Encyclopedia Brown figured it out?
Check page 176 to see if you’re right!

> (Relativity and Psychometry)

TOM: You got relativity on my psychometry!

CROW: You got psychometry on my relativity!

> A "scientific proof" is like a court judgment,

JOEL: You get interviewed by Doug Llewellyn after it?

> it hinges
> on the assertion "BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT".

CROW: I’m not so sure about that.

> For instance, here is no "absolute proof"

TOM: Absolut Vodka.

> that "space-time
> curvature causes Gravity" (Einstein 1915).

JOEL: It *might* just be an unforseen side effect.

> However, there is
> a MASSIVE body of fact and logical theory bearing on the matter,

CROW: And it slipped the judge a couple of bucks under the table, too.

> and the judgment of the (overwhelming) majority of experts
> in the field is,

TOM: This dress doesn’t make me look fat. Does it?

> that the evidence is such that it is
> "beyond a reasonable doubt" that Space-time Curvature causes
> Gravity.

JOEL: So it better have a good explanation why it does that, or else it’s in a lot of trouble, mister.

> This then, is called a "Scientific proof that
> Curvature causes Gravity"…. or simply a "SCIENTIFIC PROOF".

TOM: In fact, it’s a scien-*terrific* proof!

> Now, when Einstein published the theory of Relativity in 1915,
> he advanced it as a "SCIENTIFIC PROOF".

CROW: Because promoting it as a new Sherlock Holmes mystery would be confusing.

> OK, Hammond claims that he has found a SCIENTIFIC PROOF of
> the existence of God….

TOM: Oh, and organs.

> same thing, same exact situation as
> Einstein, or any other major SCIENTIFIC PROOF.

CROW: Except for the science part.

> Hammond’s SPOG is a classic,

JOEL: A triumph of the human spirit!

CROW: A story that will live through the ages!

TOM: Thank you, Hammond’s SPOG, for making us laugh about love… again.

> by the book,

CROW: Hours could seem like days.

> ordinary, rigorous,

JOEL: And with a "Law and Order" twist.

> hard scientific proof, meeting all the canons of science

TOM: Like our 22-inch Feynman diagrams and the new dreadnought-caliber Hall Effect device.

> and all

> the requirements for a proof:

CROW: Patent pending.


> The situation is this:

JOEL: There are 47 Klingons and three Starbases in your sector. You have 82 Stardates to destroy them.

> 1. There is a 4,000 year old "rumor",

TOM: But it’s about Paul Lynde so nobody’s really worked up about it.

> based on many
> eyewitness testimonies,

CROW: And one article in "Variety."

> that there is such a thing
> as a "God".

TOM: And He’s responsible for this divine cheesecake recipe!

> The Bible for instance is one documented
> source for these reports.

JOEL: The canon of Kevin Smith movies, however, is not.

> 2. The historical sources (cf. Bible)

CROW: Do you know me? I’m C.F. Bible, and that’s why I carry American Express.

> describe this "God"
> as an invisible power,

TOM: Ah, a wind-powered diety.

> apparently in the form of an
> invisible perfect man,

JOEL: By G.K. Chesterton and Ralph Ellison.

> who can perform miraculous
> feats (generally of salvation)

TOM: And occasionally a great card trick.

> by somehow supernaturally
> "violating the Laws of Physics".

CROW: Or the Laws of Cartoon Physics.


> (Note: w/o wrangling over what Christianity says..

TOM: I can’t be bothered to let information mess up my argument.

> I think
> you will have to grant that this is a fair synopsis

CROW: Fair, turning partly cloudy overnight.

> of
> what "God" has been known as, for the past 2,000 years)

JOEL: Except during that weird period when he was teamed up with Yoko Ono.

> 3. OK, so a reasonable scientist would say…

CROW: "Hi! I’m a reasonable scientist, and here’s what I’ll say!"

> "well, we’ll keep our
> eyes open

TOM: And our tongue to the grindstone!

CROW: Our ears to the … huh?

> in case any new scientific phenomena turn up

JOEL: [ Pointing ] Hey, look, there’s one!

CROW: [ Giggling ] And over there! There’s another!

TOM: [ Snickering ] Look fast, that’s one now!

JOEL: Boy, this is the coolest scientific phenomena hangout ever.

> which
> would seem to be connected with any such thing".

TOM: We’ll have Jerry Orbach look over their LUDs and see what turns up.

> 4. Sure enough, in 1997 HAMMOND

JOEL: As the superhero HAMMOND-MAN!

> discovered an OBVIOUS physical
> mechanism,

CROW: It’s called the "wheel." We’ve known it for months.

> which explains this 4,000 year history,

TOM: All of which is going to be on the exam! I hope you studied.



> and so OBVIOUSLY,

TOM: I think he’s in danger of overselling it at this point.

> that he has now advanced it as a

CROW: With Retsyn.

JOEL: Ting!

> of the existence of this "God"

TOM: This God, that God, just take a deity out of petty cash, OK?

> that people
> have been reporting for 4,000 years.

JOEL: They’ve been reporting the same thing for four thousand years?

CROW: I didn’t even know they had cable news channels four thousand years ago.


[ to continue … ]


Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

3 thoughts on “MiSTed: Safety First (part 13 of 16)”

    1. It felt a little bit far afield, really. One thing I’ve imperfectly learned about riffing is about keeping focus tight enough. If the joke has too many steps then the real joke is how many steps there are, like, “Robert Z’Dar is Carl Sagan in Jim Henson’s Astrolabe Babies! This fall on NBC!”, which is funny to write but hardly needs whatever hook you might hang it on.


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