MiSTed: Safety First (part 14 of 16)

Continuing now with a Mystery Science Theater 3000 marching steadily away from Johnny Pez’s “Safety First”. The whole of the MiSTing is at this link. The previous installment began a discussion about the Scientific Proof of God. I hope it helps anyone who’d been worrying about God-proofing their lives.

A bit of content warning here. In this section the riffed material talks about mental disabilities. And particularly about third-world people suffering more disabilities owing to poor nutrition. If you don’t need someone talking about “IQ deficits” in your recreational reading, you are right, and you should skip this piece at least.

For obscure references this time around, not much. There’s a mention about “B.J. fiddling with your pants overnight” that refers to one of the like two episodes of M*A*S*H where B.J. was a prank master screwing with Major Winchester. Also, I am aware that “reify” is a word. I keep looking it up to learn what it means, and agreeing that’s a thing it’s nice to have a word for (it’s to treat an abstraction as if it had real existence), but I then forget the word’s meaning and that it is a word all over again.

> 5. [NOTE: I am now going to bend over backwards


> as far as I
> can possibly bend

JOEL: He’s going to have to call Plastic-Man in as his technical advisor.

> to explain this SPOG in the simplest terms

CROW: While wearing my feety pajamas.

> w/o using any technical jargon or omitting any logical steps.

JOEL: Unfortunately, this darned margin is so small…

> …. please dummy up and pay attention,

TOM: Dummy up and slide right.

> this is your last chance]:

CROW: Your last chance for great savings!

> A. First, it is discovered

JOEL: See how easy that was?

> (basically by talking to a lot
> of crazy people),

TOM: Finally, years spent on the Internet pay off.

> the "suspicion" that it is "poor growth"
> that cause people to believe in "a higher power".

CROW: When really it’s just a guy standong on top of the ladder.

> IOW,

JOEL: Hey, I thought you said "no jargon."

> it
> is suspected that a large percent of the population is being
> affected

TOM: A large percent of the population is like a storm raging inside you.

> by the fact that their BRAINS

ALL: [ Zombie accents ] BRAINS!

> (just like the rest of
> their body BTW) is NOT FULLY GROWN.

JOEL: But that’ll all change when you’re visited by a special friend right about when you turn twelve or thirteen … or fourteen…

> a. This suspicion is further reified

CROW: Reified? Is that even a word?

TOM: I think that’s what happens when you crash into the Great Barrier Reef.


> by the
> fact that a well known similar effect

JOEL: Known as tickling.

> is
> observed in nutritionally growth stunted
> people (by the millions)

CROW: All of them. They just gather around and observe.

> in 3rd World
> country’s where a severe IQ deficit is

TOM: A good line for those playing along at home to work from.

> caused by "brain growth stunting".

JOEL: This sounds like a depressing episode of "Pinky and the Brain."

> b. This is further reified

CROW: Rheostatted.

JOEL: Re-iffy-fileted.

> by observations on
> Mental Retardation,

TOM: Flowers for SPOGernon.

> which is generally
> attributed to "arrested growth"

JOEL: Pull over, growth. Get out of the car.

> (of the
> brain) on the normal growth curve.

CROW: Caution! Dangerous growth curves ahead.

> c. It is particularly noted that the large
> majority of "Mental Cases" are

TOM: Ed Norton.

> people of
> poor growth and development.

JOEL: They’re just generally bad people is all he’s saying.

> And all most
> of them do all day is talk about "God".

CROW: God, and the CIA-Martian alliance.

> d. Obviously such a thing as "incomplete brain
> growth" is a natural candidate for explaining
> "God".

TOM: Other explanations, like a sense of wonder and excitement at the incredible beauty and majesty of the world, fall short.

> As one person put it,

CROW: Another will un-put it.

> it can be seen
> as a candidate in the following way;

JOEL: Uh — has everybody got their 3-D glasses on?

> assume
> the brain is a computer running a program

> called "reality". Then:

TOM: I’m going to wait for the upgrade. Nobody wise runs the point-zero release.

> The Human Brain is like a computer,
> running a program called Reality.

JOEL: Is the human brain like a computer, running a program called reality?

TOM: No, I think the human brain is like a computer, running a program called reality.

CROW: You can think that if you want, but I saw the human brain is like a computer, and it runs a program called reality.

> Any change in the program is called
> a Law of Reality (science),

CROW: Hey, wait a minute — what if it’s running a program called "Realty" instead?

TOM: Deus ex Homeowners Association?

> but any
> change (‘upgrade’) in the Computer

JOEL: Comes out of your warranty.

> is called an Act of God.

TOM: So God handles hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and bug patches.

> Here, "grain growth" is compared to

JOEL: I never saw the connection between God and corn before.

TOM: Never heard about "Corn as high as the pastor’s eye"?

JOEL: Oh, you’re right.

> upgrading the computer with a faster
> processor and more memory,

CROW: As long as they keep that dancing paperclip out of the way I’m all right.

> and obviously
> would have a "supernatural", "miraculous"
> effect on the "reality" program.

TOM: Hey, if God keeps growing your brain, won’t that eventually make your skull pop open?

CROW: Cool!

> B. Secondly, it is KNOWN

JOEL: Yet it is not generally BELIEVED

> that there is such a thing as a
> SECULAR TREND in human growth.

TOM: Up until the point they become teenagers, and get all surly and hostile.

> That is, that the entire
> Human Race is achieving higher and higher levels of
> GROWTH with each passing generation.

CROW: Meaning in a few short generations we will *all* be able to look on top of the refrigerator!

> It is also known
> that this is NOT a genetic effect,

JOEL: It’s caused by B.J. fiddling with your pants overnight.

> that it is caused

TOM: Caused by the Giant World Escalator.

> particularly NUTRITION.

TOM: That too.

> This leads to a simple arithmetic

> formula:

JOEL: Vitamin E equals M Vitamin C squared.


> Growth curve deficit: GCD=Genotype-Phenotype

TOM: Trilobyte.

CROW: Neophyte.

JOEL: Anorthocite.

CROW: Palomite.


> see: http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/growth5.JPG
> for a
> picture of this.

TOM: And that great cartoon of "You Want It When?"

> According to the Secular Trend

JOEL: And anonymous sources close to the Secular Trend.

> then, the SUSPICION would be
> that there is and always has been, a "brain growth deficit"

TOM: It’s a Brain Growth Gap! The Commies are pulling out ahead of us!

> in the human population, and that this "deficit" has been
> slowly decreasing

JOEL: They’re finally getting over that brain deficit spending.

> for millenniums (probably rapidly since
> the Industrial Revolution BTW),

CROW: Slower in the no-passing zones.

> and that this explains the
> 4,000 year history of "God"

TOM: Isn’t that kind of overlooking, like, twelve thousand years of Egyptian history and their Gods too?

> and explains why we believe
> we are heading toward "Kingdom Come" or the Perfect
> World…

JOEL: Or a Different World.

CROW: Or just Cool World.

> since this would obviously be when the "Deficit"
> finally reaches zero.

TOM: And then we’ll blow it on a big tax cut for the rich.

[ to continue … ]

Author: Joseph Nebus

I was born 198 years to the day after Johnny Appleseed. The differences between us do not end there. He/him.

One thought on “MiSTed: Safety First (part 14 of 16)”

Please Write Something Funnier Than I Thought To

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: