And back to “Skippy’s Mom”, a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfiction that I published first sometime in the late 90s. The whole of the series should appear at this link. So far, though, In the story so far, Skippy is wondering who his mother is, and Aunt Slappy’s decided to take him to the Hall of Records and see. I suppose this means his mom’s not Slappy’s sister but who can say, really?
Let’s see what needlessly obscure references I can clear up here. Hm. John Randolph Bray was an animation pioneer of the 1910s; he held the patent on cel animation, where you have a background and draw the characters on a clear sheet put over it. “I”m only three and a half years old” is an Abbott and Costello catchphrase that a lot of Looney Tunes ripped off. Lottery was a 1980s hourlong drama about people who’d won a million bucks in just what it says there, and how this screws up their lives. SpeedScript was a word processor that Compute! magazine published; you could type it in to your Commodore, Apple, or Atari eight-bit computer and process what words you had. “I don’t go to the hospital, but I play someone who does” references a 1980s commercial for … oh, I think cough syrup … in which someone explained he was not a doctor, but he plays one on TV, so that’s why he can endorse whatever this was. I have never seen an episode of Histeria but I remember everyone who was online in the 90s hating it. On the other hand, everyone who was online in the 90s hated a big friendly purple dinosaur who sang silly songs for the little kids in his audience, so maybe we were bad at evaluating things.
> Chapter 1 – Hall of Records
TOM: [ As Ted Knight ] Here at the fabulous Hall of Records, the Superfriends struggle to complete a property title search.
> The hazy sunlight filtered into Skippy’s room, Skippy still asleep
> bundled the blanket around his head to keep the light out.
> "Skippy, it’s time to get up…"
JOEL: C’mon, they spun off Buttons and Mindy to another show and we have to do double duty.
> Slappy shouted from somewhere
> "Okay Aunt Slappy." Skippy said tiredly.
> Skippy clambered out of bed
CROW: And awoke with a clatter; he sprung to the window to see what was the matter.
> and headed down stairs.
> "You ready to find out about your Mom?" Slappy asked sarcasticly.
> "Hunh?" Skippy replied still half asleep, in fact more like 75% asleep…
TOM: 83 and 94/44ths percent asleep.
CROW: What, he doesn’t know whether he’s awake or asleep?
JOEL: Must be a school day.
> "Hall of records this morning, no?" prompted Slappy.
CROW: Touch any part of this squirrel to continue.
TOM: "I don’t see the ‘Any’ part."
> "Oh of course…" Skippy said tiredly.
CROW:Adverbs: The bread crumbs of the English language.
> After a filling breakfast of Nutritionly lacking suger coated generic
JOEL: Generic cereal. For your generic comedic needs.
> Skippy and Slappy went to the hall of records for all the ‘toons
> in Burbank.
TOM: But they’re in Lompoc.
> "Here we are kiddo, you’re about to meet with your past,
CROW: I *told* you to wash out your lunchbox at the start of summer.
> it may
> be unpleasant…" Slappy intoned.
> "That’s okay, no matter what I find inside,
JOEL: I’ll still have a song in my heart.
> you’ll still be here
> for me Aunt Slappy." Skippy said cheerfully.
> The big double doors to the hall of records swung open
> as skippy
> and slappy walked inside.
> "Good morning…" Said a familer voice from behind the counter, it was
> Hello Nurse.
> "What are you doing here?" Demanded Slappy.
TOM: Chapter 18A-65A of the Uniform Fanfic Code requires that as many bit characters as the author can name be jammed into the story somewhere.
> "Oh Warners don’t pay me enogth to work as just a nurse so I work
> here part time to make ends meet, and I’ve not be in a cameo for quite
> some time…" Hello Nurse replied.
JOEL: Say what you want about the rest of the story, but Hello Nurse is showing ten times as much personality here as she ever did on the TV show.
> "Oh Carefull there.." She shouted as skippy was about to step in some
> oil. "Yakko and Wakko came here earlier, they’re still not quite over
> it.." Hello Nurse said pointing to the pools of oil.
CROW: Apparently Yakko and Wakko just joined the Autobots.
> "Yeah yeah yeah…" Slappy said impatiently.
JOEL: [ Flatly ] She loves you; you know you should be glad.
> "Look can you tell
> my nephew here who his mom was?"
CROW: I hope it’s that lethally cute squirrel from that old Chuck Jones cartoon that tried to open a coconut, remember?
> "No." Hello Nurse said promptly.
> "Okaaayy Then what are we doing here?" Slappy asked.
TOM: [ Whispering ] We’re ganging up on "Histeria." Don’t snicker.
CROW: Not a problem.
> "Oh no Miss Squirrel, I can’t tell your nephew,
JOEL: That would be cheating.
> but I can
> show him which file it would be in.." Hello nurse replied.
> "Well, we don’t have all day…" Slappy impatiently muttered.
CROW: It’s the file marked "Who is Skippy’s Mom?"
> "Let me just feed his details into the computer, okay Name,
TOM: John Randolph Bray Process.
CROW: I’m only three and a half years old.
JOEL: Half-orc Fourth-level Paladin/Magic-User.
> and ID#"
TOM: Or monsters of the ID number.
> Hello nurse asked politely
> "Skippy, I’m 8 and I’m a squirrel!" Skippy exlaimed.
CROW: Don’t you watch the show? What’s your problem?
> "My Id number is A1SQIP3"
TOM: Aluminum Squip Oxide?
> "Thank you Skippy.." Hello nurse gently spoke, "The computer is coming
> up with the details now.."
JOEL: Ah, here it is. You’re scheduled for crossovers with the Rescue Rangers, Battlestar Galactica, and Lottery.
> The computer made lots of grindy disk noises,
TOM: You know, DOS 3.3 did include the ‘black pepper’ option.
> Skippy, Slappy
> and Hello Nurse covered thier ears in pain.
> The computer suddenly stopped,
CROW: Looked at the audience, shouted "People!" and ran through the wall.
> Hello nurse looked shocked as she
> looked at the screen.
> "Is something wrong?" Asked Skippy.
> "I’m not sure…"
TOM: "What do words mean, again?"
> She replied. "Look!" She said turning the screen
> around. Skippy stared at the screen, large flashing red letters continuly
> blipped up. "NO RECORD FOUND?!"
> Slappy shouted, "What’s that supposed to mean?!"
CROW: [ Eagerly ] It means anyone who does even *one* upside-down jumping jack on a bed of pizza rolls gets in the Guinness Book!
> "It may just be a system failure I’ll get the mechanic on to it right
TOM: We must rotoscope the turtle I have Minnesota saw marbles once.
> She said running off to fetch a mechanic.
> A short while later Hello nurse returned with a monkey.
> "Who’s he?" Skippy asked indignetly.
JOEL: Head of programming for UPN.
> "Abu, pleased ta meet ya!"
CROW: We’ve really needed to runt you out to someone!
> The monkey replied, "I’m the mechanic."
> Abu took out a small laptop and plugged it into the large PC that _was_
> the hall of records mainframe.
JOEL: Back in the good old days, before SpeedScript ruined everything.
> Abu tapped away franticly with the keyboard and it was almost an hour
> before he said anything.
CROW: Maybe he should wiggle the plug?
> "This is not good…" Abu said looking at Skippy.
TOM: I am *so* tanking on NetTrek.
> "According to this there is no Skippy Squirrel…" Abu finished.
> "How can that be?" Asked Skippy tearfully.
JOWL: The crossover you were scheduled to do with "Sportsnight" vanished without a trace, and took you with it.
> "Probably just a mistake at the hospital kid." Abu said trying to
> cheer Skippy up.
CROW: That is a pretty cheery thing to say.
> "A hospital could do a INK test on you Skippy." Hello Nurse offered,
TOM: ‘Cause, see, INK is like DNA for a cartoon.
> "That way we could then match your INK
CROW: Get it? ‘Cause a cartoon has INK rather than DNA.
> to all the INK’s in our database
> and find out that way.."
JOEL: [ Slapping TOM’s shoulder ] HA HA! INK! Get it? INK!
TOM: That hurt.
> "I’m not sure…" Slappy started, but then she saw Skippy crying.
> "Come on, let’s go to the hospital…"
TOM: I don’t go to the hospital, but I play someone who does on TV.
[ To continue … ]