And now for the close of this seasonal re-airing of the “Safe Fun For Halloween” MiSTing. (I’ll get back to my 60s Popeye encore tomorrow or so.) The whole of the series is collected here. Proposed as “safe fun” were activities like giving your friends electric shocks, blackening their eyes, sitting them on collapsing chairs, and stirring up confetti blizzards. Today’s stunts of making people listen to the Monster Mash seem rather socially respectable in comparison.
A Day In The Life Of Dennis Day was a radio sitcom starring Dennis Day. It was pretty much the same show as Mel Blanc’s Fix-It Shop, except Dennis Day does a song every episode and has some extremely long segment where he does a funny foreign accent. If we’re lucky it’s comedy French or German or Russian or something. If we’re not, he’s trying to do a Chinese guy and it is so cringeworthy. Stick with the Fix-It Shop.
> Ideas for Halloween costumes are pictured in Figures 9 and 10.
TOM:Let me guess: executioners and axe murderers?
> The frog suit is an ordinary union suit dyed a light green,
CROW: For everyone who’s got extra union suits laying around.
> dark green cloth spots sewed or cemented on.
TOM: Cemented on, so your friend can sleep with the fishes.
MIKE: That *concrete* you’re thinking of, not *cement*.
TOM: Thanks ever so for saving me from my snarky ignorance.
> plywood, wire and doth are all that is necessary to make the
> turtle costume.
CROW: Or every movie we’ve ever seen.
> By cutting the back halves as indicated and
> joining along the ridge with adhesive tape, a very convincing
> shell can be made.
MIKE: Do it fast, before Roger Corman makes a movie out of you.
> The anchor is simply made of plywood and
TOM: For those ‘floating’ and ‘falling apart in water’ properties every anchor needs.
> and the wearer should be clad in trunks and have
> tattoo figures on arms and legs painted with harmless coloring,
CROW: Harmless? Why start on harmless *now*?
> such as fruit juice.
MIKE: Or strychnine. Sheesh.
TOM: Time to blow this popsicle stand.
MIKE: [ Picking up TOM ] Mercifully.
[ ALL exit. ]
[ 1… ]
[ 2… ]
[ 3… ]
[ 4… ]
[ 5… ]
[ 6… ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. The desk. TOM, MIKE, and CROW are behind it; the decor is much as before, but a bowl of almonds wrapped in aluminum foil is on the desk. ]
CROW: [ Calling, as in the introduction ] MIKE!
MIKE: Bowl of tin foil to chew on, I saw the “dance floor” of greased roller bearings you wanted, and yet, you come out of this party pranking activity with what thoughts?
TOM: I ended up wondering how your grandparents survived to the age of marriage.
CROW: Heck, how did they survive to the age of six?
TOM: Yeah, I mean, magazines telling everyone how to kill each other in wacky party games?
CROW: No concept of avoiding nutritional deficiencies when you ate mounds of butter slathered on fried lard.
MIKE: Wait, that —
TOM: Trolley cars running at 35 miles an hour through packed city streets, never stopping or slowing down except when the piled-up corpses derail the train.
CROW: Black death sweeping across the continent because you won’t stop rubbing rat corpses in your eyes.
MIKE: That was like the 14th century and it didn’t happen.
CROW: Parents figuring the only time they had to touch their kids was for spanking and one handshake when they turned 14 and could drop out of school to throw hay into steam locomotives until the railroad police caught them.
TOM: Feeling a little off? Drink some mercury and drain a gallon of blood.
CROW: Dennis Day starring in _A Day In The Life Of Dennis Day_.
MIKE: OK, at this point I don’t even know what point you’ve wandered away *from*.
TOM: Well, fortunately, humans have robots now, so you don’t have to be stupid on your own.
MIKE: We can be stupid together.
CROW: Yes, and let’s make that our New Year’s Resolution.
MIKE: [ Shaking his head ] Sure. Thanks, everyone, and from the Satellite of Love, let’s all look into the New Year being a little less stupid together.
[ MIKE pushes the button; the screen blanks out to … ]
CROW: [ Calling ] MIKE!
\ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ ----O---- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations and everything are the property of Best Brains, Inc, and don’t think anyone is challenging that at all. The original article is used in what is honestly thought to be a spirit of fair comment and clean sportsmanship.
However you remember the Rankin/Bass special to be, it’s actually a weirder thing than you remember. And let’s be carful out there.
> The result is a sudden shock which is surprising but
> not harmful.
[ The End ]