I’m still not done making Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fictionout of the whole of Arthur Scott Bailey’s The Tale of Grumpy Weasel. The whole MiSTing should be gathered at this link.
Mister Meadow Mouse assumed that Grumpy Weasel wasn’t going to be near the old stone wall today. He was wrong. A confident Grumpy offers to let the mouse squeeze into some of the smaller holes in the wall — and claims “I want to see if you can squeeze through as small a hole as I can”. Is Meadow Mouse doomed? Is Grumpy Weasel about to eat? Read on and find out!
> V
CROW: The Final, Belated Battle
>
> SOLOMON OWL INTERRUPTS
TOM: He’s wise, not polite.
>
> Plump little Mr. Meadow Mouse
JOEL: … Came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed …
> wished he had stayed
> away from Grumpy Weasel’s hunting ground.
CROW: Totally bogus to have the ground hunting you. The sky never does that cop stuff.
> He would have
> scampered off, had he not known that Grumpy could overtake
> him before he had made three leaps.
TOM: Hear me out now, what if you take two leaps?
CROW: One leap and a jaunty pirouette?
> So he saw no way out of
> his trouble,
TOM: Maybe declare bankruptcy?
> though he could think of nothing less agreeable
> than trying to slip through a small hole with Grumpy Weasel
> close at hand, watching him narrowly.
JOEL: I don’t know, Grumpy seems to be pretty positive about this.
>
> Then all at once Mr. Meadow Mouse had an idea.
TOM: Wait, it won’t help if you try and stop Christmas from coming.
> "You
> go first!" he said politely. "Go through any hole you choose
> and then I’ll try my luck."
JOEL: Let’s go inside and take this outdoors!
>
> But Grumpy Weasel was too crafty to do that.
CROW: He had a huge pile of origami blocking the hole.
>
> "You’d try your luck at running away," he snarled.
TOM: [ As Meadow Mouse ] ‘I’d try my skill, too!’
> "You are the one to go first; and we’ll have no words about
> it."
JOEL: [ As Meadow Mouse ] ‘Can I at least gulp a little?’
>
> Well, Mr. Meadow Mouse began to shake more than ever.
CROW: He’s getting his groove on!
>
> "Don’t you think," he quavered, "that we’d better
> wait a few days until I’m a bit smaller?
TOM: [ As Meadow Mouse ] ‘I’m growing down, you know. It’s like growing up but the other way around?’
> I’m afraid I’ve been
> overeating lately and I might get stuck in a hole.
CROW: Well, what if the hole eats something and grows a bit?
> And of
> course that would be awkward."
JOEL: Oh, we’d pretend not to look, don’t worry.
>
> "Ha, ha!" Grumpy Weasel actually laughed. But it was
> not what any one could call a hearty, wholesome, cheerful
> sort of laugh. On the contrary, it sounded very cruel and
> gloating.
CROW: Oh, great, he’s an Internet snarker.
JOEL: [ Coughing, embarrassed ]
>
> "Hoo, hoo!" Another laugh—this one weird and
> hollow—boomed out from the hemlock tree just above Mr.
> Meadow Mouse’s head.
CROW: Huh, huh?
TOM: o/` They’re coming to take me away! o/“
>
> He jumped, in spite of himself—did Mr. Meadow
> Mouse.
JOEL: A wink of his eye and a twist of his head …
> And so, too, did Grumpy Weasel. Both of them leaped
> for the old stone wall.
TOM: [ As JOEL swings his arms like a baseball umpire ] ‘SAFE!’
> And each flashed into a crevice
> between the stones,
JOEL: [ As Meadow Mouse ] ‘Oh uh … hi. Funny meeting you here?’
> though Grumpy Weasel was ever so much the
> quicker of the two. They knew Solomon Owl’s voice too well to
> mistake his odd laughter.
CROW: Whose?
JOEL: Naturally.
>
> "What’s your hurry, gentlemen?" Solomon called to
> them.
TOM: Solomon Grund-Owl, born on a Mond-Owl.
>
> Mild Mr. Meadow Mouse made no reply.
JOEL: Couldn’t quite nail the alliteration.
> But from Grumpy
> Weasel’s hiding place an angry hiss told Solomon Owl that one
> of them, at least, had heard his question.
CROW: Oh no! Daniel Snake is leaking!
>
> "Come out!" said Solomon Owl. "Don’t be shy! I’ve
> dined already."
TOM: I just want to snuggle!
>
> Well, that made the two in the wall feel somewhat
> bolder.
CROW: Going to ruin things if animals ever discover lying.
> And soon they ventured to peep out and gaze at
> Solomon, to see whether he looked like a person who had just
> enjoyed a good meal.
JOEL: [ As Solomon ] ‘I didn’t say I *enjoyed* it, just that I *ate* it.’
>
> "You’re not as hollow as you sound, I hope," Grumpy
> Weasel remarked with some suspicion in his tone.
TOM: … the heck?
CROW: No, no, the logic checks out.
>
> As for Mr. Meadow Mouse, he wouldn’t dream of making
> so rude a remark.
JOEL: But he’s already composing his review on Bird Yelp.
CROW: [ As Meadow Mouse ] ‘Is that a bird? Y-elp!’
>
> "It’s a fine evening and I hope you’re feeling
> happy," he piped.
TOM: Is he signalling for a spy? The smoked cabbage never swings the light anchor.
>
> "Oh, very! Very!" said Solomon Owl solemnly.
JOEL: How does a beak make those ‘V’ sounds?
>
> Mr. Meadow Mouse was a trusting sort of chap.
CROW: Hardly a week went by a friend didn’t trick him into looking up ‘gullible’ in the dictionary.
TOM: [ Way too defensive ] Not believing it until you saw the word missing is the *opposite* of gullible!
CROW: [ Snickering ]
> He was
> all ready to leave his cranny. But Grumpy Weasel was not yet
> satisfied.
JOEL: Not letting you go until you regret talking to him: the Grumpy Weasel Guarantee!
>
> "Which one of us are you answering?" he demanded of
> Solomon.
CROW: Was … was there a question?
TOM: No, but you can take an idle curiosity out of petty thoughts.
>
> "Him!" said Solomon.
TOM: That devil guy from the Powerpuff Girls? The heck?
>
> "Did you say, ‘Ahem?’" Grumpy Weasel wanted to know.
>
> "No, no!" Solomon assured him.
CROW: [ As Grumpy ] ‘Well, could you? I’ve go a great joke I need you to set up.’
> "I said, ‘him.’ I was
> answering your friend."
TOM: But Grumpy Weasel is a friend to everybody!
>
> Grumpy Weasel made a wry face, as if he did not care
> to have anybody speak of Mr. Meadow Mouse as a friend of his.
TOM: Well, almost everybody!
> And he did not quit the stone wall
JOEL: Oh, you can’t just quit a stone wall, you have to give them time to train your replacement wall.
TOM: Replacement well …
> until he had seen Mr.
> Meadow Mouse venture forth in safety.
>
> "Just by accident I overheard your remarks a few
> minutes ago," Mr. Owl explained.
CROW: Well, Solomon Owl sure wasn’t using any hunting ground.
> "I’d like to watch this
> hole-crawling contest.
JOEL: Pleasant Valley does not have smart phones yet.
CROW: It’s 1915, ‘phones’ are just hollering.
> And I’ll stay here and be the
> umpire—and see that there’s fair play."
TOM: [ As Solomon Owl ] It’s a little weird, but I like weird!
[ To continue … ? ]
Share this:
Another Blog, Meanwhile 
TOM: (Sniffing, as Meadow Mouse) This hole smells like raccoon tail, was a fat raccoon punked here recently?
LikeLike
I don’t wish to spoil this century-old book anyone can read at Gutenberg.org, but you may be closer than you realize!
LikeLike
>
TOM: To be continued in Arthur Scott Bailey’s “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Mouse” available whereever fine literature is sold.
LikeLike
Oh, it should be, but that book keeps unwriting itself as we go along! Read enough of it and there’s nothing but blank pages remaining.
LikeLike
Did you ever consider writing a James Thurber type short story “The Day The Bunny Got Called Up For Jury Duty”? If you ever do,I’d be happy to provide illustrations.
LikeLike
I never had before, no, although you make a good offer there. I guess my trouble is I keep having these nice vivid daydreams about composing a sweet, moving, tender little story but then there’s this little ti-pock-ita noise and I’m alert again and the story is gone.
LikeLike