And now the end of this MiSTing of the Robert McElwaine GALACTIC FEDERATION Update. I’ll have something else next week, I don’t know what.
MOS Burgers is this hamburger chain I got into when I lived in Singapore. They had a lot of advertising copy about being in harmony with nature and such. Good burgers, including the option to get a “bun” made of steamed-rice patties. The Klindesteron beademungen were friendly but incomprehensible aliens encountered in the James Blish short story “Common time”.
Marissa Picard is of course the hero of Stephen Ratliff’s famous Kids Crew Star Trek fanfic series, the series that also made Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfic a thing. Jay Gordon was a supporting character in the series. There was no MiSTing with a host sketch where the Brains made Jay Gordon cry, though. I don’t think there was even a host sketch where they met. Marrissa Picard got a few appearances, though. Sonic the Hedgehog also produced a bunch of fanfic that was good for MiSTing.
The mention of Heidi Klum references a Usenet crank of the early 2000s, who held that the aliens who control human destiny leave hints to the future in the career of Heidi Klum. He’d show up in the relevant newsgroup whenever Klum appeared on, say, Conan O’Brien’s show, explaining how to decode her amiable small talk.
> Today, we have discussed segments of our shared history that
> explain your origins and the basis of your present condition of
MIKE: Next week, remember, we’re doing the Polish-Lithuanian monarchy, so read up chapter eight and be ready with questions, people.
> We ask you to use this awareness to examine how far you
> actually have come!
CROW: I’m suddenly more aware of my tongue.
TOM: You don’t have a tongue.
CROW: Then I’m suddenly confused and distressed.
> Your liberation and new world service are truly
> within reach!
TOM: As soon as you pay up your library fines!
> We now take our leave.
MIKE: [ As Groucho ] I’ve had a wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
> Blessings, dear Ones! Know, in
> your Heart of Hearts,
CROW: In your Diamond of Diamonds,
MIKE: In your Spade of Spades,
TOM: In your Club of Clubs..
> that the eternal Supply and perpetual Prosperity
> of Heaven is yours!
MIKE: This reads like the advertising materials for MOS Burgers.
> So Be It! Selamat Gajun! Selamat Kasijaram!
CROW: They’re either Malay or the Klindesteron beademungen.
> for Be One! Blessed in Love and in Joy!)
TOM: And there’s some fine print where you sign up to buy two CDs each month for a year.
> Planetary Activation Organization
MIKE: Somebody check the Earth’s batteries. Venus was dead three months before we noticed.
> This copy was reposted by Robert E. McElwaine
TOM: The `E’ stands for `Extra.’
CROW: Robert E. McExtralwaine?
> PAO Member
> Eckankar Initiate
MIKE: And a good friend.
> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
CROW: Hah … Mike?
MIKE: Not my fault, guys.
> http://members.aol.com/rem547 PLUS
TOM: That adds up to rem 1007.
> See also http://www.paoweb.com/sn122600.htm ,
CROW: A URL actually created by a snore.
> http://www.disclosureproject.org .
> P.S.: PASS IT ON !
MIKE: You’ll never guess which of your close friends is waiting for this very message!
TOM: OK? Is that all you have to say for yourself?
[ 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE DESK. GYPSY, TOM SERVO, and CROW are there, with many papers scattered on the desk. A pencil is wedged into CROW’s hand. ]
GYPSY: You need line 17 from form 8-E.
CROW: I know, I’m just — look, how many amiable characters from the movies and shorts we watch have visited us on the Hex Field View Screen this year?
TOM: 28, including four visits from Marrissa Picard.
GYPSY: You have to tell them how you made Jay Gordon cry.
TOM: Tell them 35.
CROW: I’m not cheating on these forms!
TOM: Oh, like they’ll check?
GYPSY: It kind of goes against the spirit —
[ MIKE enters. They all hush up for a few seconds. ]
MIKE: So. Who wants to —
[ Simultaneously: ]
CROW: We realized we haven’t filled in our reports for the Galactic Federation of Light this year yet.
TOM: You wouldn’t believe how many forms it is, either, but it’s worth doing.
GYPSY: It’s an important part of bringing light to the universe.
MIKE: [ Playing along ] Plus you might get to be Head Beagle.
GYPSY: So we’re listing all this year’s light-bringing.
CROW: You got anything you want reported?
MIKE: I, uh, cleaned the burnt pizza stuff out of the toaster oven.
CROW: That’s good! What else do we have?
TOM: We played keep-away with Observer’s brain for like ten minutes.
MIKE: That didn’t really uplift anyone’s soul.
CROW: Well … what about that fun we had playing backgammon? That had to bring something good into the world.
GYPSY: We just moved the checkers around randomly for five minutes, got bored, then you threw them like ninja stars until you broke the McVote McDLT glasses.
CROW: Oh yeah.
TOM: Well … we had to have done something, right?
GYPSY: We didn’t stop anyone from bringing light.
CROW: OK, I’m writing that in — Mike, you have any stamps? We need to mail this to the Galactic Federation of Light Central Processing Bureau in Menominee, Michigan.
MIKE: Oh, fresh out. Let’s check in on Pittney-Bowes, shall we?
TOM: Four, five — hey, does Sonic the Hedgehog still exist?
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. The stage is filled by shipping cartons of all sizes, marked “LIGHT BULBS” and stacked precariously high. BOBO, PEARL, and OBSERVER are squeezed in front, reading
papers on a business envelope. ]
OBSERVER: Dahdahdaaah … appreciate your filing early … blah de blah … having reviewed your Federation of Light returns this year … yeah, uh-huh … computed against withholding reported in form 671-X …
PEARL: So how much of a light-bringing refund did we *get*?
BOBO: [ Pointing at a line ] Fifty-five thousand, three hundred forty three!
[ A pause, as PEARL simmers. ]
PEARL: That’s our Zip code, you — [ She pinches his nose. ]
[ BOBO barks, Curly style; his left arm windmills around and hits OBSERVER’s brain, which he drops, apparently onto PEARL’s foot as she grabs her foot and hops. She trips into BOBO, who bounces against one pile of boxes, sending it crashing. He rebounds to knock PEARL and OBSERVER into their own huge stacks, which sends off volleys of crashing and imploding light bulb sounds through the credits … ]
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Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the characters and situations therein are the property of Best Brains, Inc. The essay “GALACTIC FEDERATION Update: August 5, 2003” comes to us from Robert McElwaine and Sheldan Nidle. This MiSTing as a whole is the creation of Joseph Nebus, who intends no particular ill-will towards Robert McElwaine, Sheldan Nidle, or any nigh-omnipotent beings guiding humanity towards a glorious new destiny in the stars, but does enjoy following Kansan’s reports of how they signal their intents through the life and career of Heidi Klum. Come back, Dr. Mike Neylon!
> Greetings, dear Hearts! We return with more interesting topics to
> share with you.
[ The end … for now. ]