Did you enjoy the first half of Eating For Death? This was another of my pieces of Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fictions, written in late 2015 I believe, and taking apart an article from the March 1922 issue of Physical Culture. I bet Bernarr Macfadden is felling all foolish about his whole crusade to get people to eat when they’re hungry instead of bored or feeling obligated. The very unneeded joke about the Snorks is there because I was reading the Wikipedia article about the Snorks for some reason and that stuck in my mind. I apologize for putting the Snorks in your mind now too.
> The “eat-to-keep-up-your-strength” idea that
> has been advocated for generations by allopathic
CROW: *And* Popeye!
MIKE: Gotta respect Popeye on strength.
> has sent, literally, millions of people to
> premature graves.
TOM: Underneath a giant avalanche of casseroles and loaves of bread!
> Even a person in good health can miss one meal or
> fifty meals, for that matter, without serious results.
CROW: Fifty meals! You’d be spending your whole day eating at that rate.
TOM: You know you miss all the meals you don’t eat.
> But abstinence of some sort is absolutely essential if
> appetite is missing; and is especially necessary in many
MIKE: Like chronic mouthlessness.
TOM: McWhirtle’s Indigestibility Fever.
CROW: Temporarily made of cardboard; can’t take liquids.
> There is no sauce better than hunger;
CROW: Except bleu cheese salad dressing.
> and there
> can be no health of a superior sort, unless food is eaten
> with enjoyment.
MIKE: Wait, so now enjoyment is a sauce?
CROW: *Yes*, and it’s made of bleu cheese.
> When you eat a meal with what is known as a
> “coming appetite”
TOM: My appetite went upstairs and it can’t find the way back.
CROW: “The stairs are past the third door!”
MIKE: “I can’t find the door!”
CROW: “Are you in a room or in the hall?”
MIKE: “I … don’t know?”
> you are often treading on dangerous
> ground. This “coming appetite” is often due to
> overstimulation of nerves
MIKE: By the penetrating electropasta needles.
> rather than to natural bodily
> demand, and is, therefore, frequently of the voracious
> character. It compels you to overeat.
TOM: To be fair, ordering a box of Hypnofood didn’t help.
> You are not
> satisfied until you eat so much you cannot hold any more.
CROW: Eat until fingers don’t work. Got it.
> At such times a fast is often necessary. But if
> you cannot do that it is absolutely essential that the
> meals should be very light,
TOM: Chew on a balloon, or possibly a bulb of some kind.
MIKE: Any method of general illumination will do.
> if you desire to avoid
> illness that might be serious in character.
CROW: Try illnesses that are lighthearted in character, such as clown flu and the a deficiency in vitamin giggle.
> Three square meals a day will send any one to an
> early grave.
TOM: Diversify your meal with triangles and ellipsoids.
> You may be able to follow a regime of this
> sort in growing years, but when full maturity arrives
> look out for trouble if you persist in this habit.
MIKE: In your fallow years just sit in the middle of a room not eating and waiting for death to overcome you.
> Three light meals or two medium heavy meals daily
> will prolong your life and increase your efficiency
> mentally and physically.
CROW: Four times a day grab an open-faced sandwich.
TOM: Six times a day, just gnaw on the kitchen counter.
MIKE: When feeling restless, lick an oven door.
> I eat but one hearty meal a day, and that is
> preferably taken at noon, though sometimes it is eaten in
> the evening. Occasionally I eat a light meal in the
> morning or evening,
MIKE: Thursdays I spend passed out in a bathtub full of potato salad.
> if I have a craving for food, though
> these light meals frequently consist of fruit alone or
> nuts and fruit with a warm or hot drink.
TOM: Occasionally I rub a slice of lettuce against one cheek.
> But the main point that I want to emphasize is
CROW: Food is a good idea but it will never be made practical.
> the necessity of avoiding the habit of eating by the
> clock — without appetite.
TOM: Wait until your clock cries and then feed it all it needs.
> Wait for a definite feeling of hunger. Let your
> stomach dictate your eating habits.
MIKE: And leave me some of the garlic-stuffed olives, people.
CROW: I had death for lunch, can’t we have joi de vivre for supper?
MIKE: Who wants a bowl of hot, buttered MURDER?
TOM: And with that, everybody, good night and be merry!
CROW: Night, folks.
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Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations and premise and all that, are the property of … uh … I was going to say Best Brains, but I guess it’s Shout! Factory and Consolidated Puppets? Or something? I’m not positive. Well, it’s theirs, and I’m just using it as long as they don’t notice. Bernarr Macfadden’s “Eating For Death” appeared in the _Physical Culture_ magazine from March 1922 and I believe it to be in the public domain. I ran across it from the Modern Mechanix blog linked above, and it’s a crying shame that’s gone defunct because it was so much fascinating reading. Supporting Snorks: Sad Wikipedia sub-section, or saddest Wikipdia sub-section?
> You can be a palpitating force, a veritable human
> dynamo, or you can be a half-alive mass of human
> flesh — not unlike the jelly-fish.