Statistics Saturday: The United States In Descending Order Of Thickness


Also including the District of Columbia because, heck, what does that cost me?

State Or District Of Columbia Thickness
Alaska 20,310 ft / 6191 m
California 14,783 ft / 4506 m
Washington 14,417 ft / 4394 m
Hawaii 13,803 ft / 4207 m
Nevada 12,665 ft / 3860 m
Arizona 12,565 ft / 3830 m
Idaho 11,954 ft / 3644 m
Utah 11,354 ft / 3461 m
Oregon 11,249 ft / 3429 m
Colorado 11,123 ft / 3390 m
Montana 11,003 ft / 3354 m
Wyoming 10,709 ft / 3264 m
New Mexico 10,323 ft / 3147 m
Texas 8,751 ft / 2667 m
North Carolina 6,684 ft / 2037 m
Tennessee 6,466 ft / 1971 m
New Hampshire 6,288 ft / 1917 m
South Dakota 6,276 ft / 1913 m
Virginia 5,729 ft / 1746 m
New York 5,343 ft / 1629 m
Maine 5,270 ft / 1606 m
Georgia 4,784 ft / 1458 m
Oklahoma 4,686 ft / 1428 m
West Virginia 4,623 ft / 1409 m
Nebraska 4,587 ft / 1398 m
Vermont 4,300 ft / 1311 m
Kentucky 3,887 ft / 1185 m
South Carolina 3,560 ft / 1085 m
Massachusetts 3,489 ft / 1063 m
Kansas 3,361 ft / 1025 m
Maryland 3,360 ft / 1024 m
Pennsylvania 3,213 ft / 979 m
North Dakota 2,757 ft / 840 m
Arkansas 2,698 ft / 822 m
Alabama 2,413 ft / 736 m
Connecticut 2,379 ft / 725 m
New Jersey 1,803 ft / 550 m
Minnesota 1,700 ft / 518 m
Missouri 1,542 ft / 470 m
Michigan 1,408 ft / 429 m
Wisconsin 1,372 ft / 418 m
Iowa 1,191 ft / 363 m
Ohio 1,094 ft / 333 m
Illinois 955 ft / 291 m
Indiana 937 ft / 286 m
Rhode Island 811 ft / 247 m
Mississippi 807 ft / 246 m
Louisiana 543 ft / 165 m
Delaware 447 ft / 136 m
District of Columbia 408 ft / 124 m
Florida 345 ft / 105 m

Source: Wikipedia from which I learn there’s only two states that have spots below sea level? That’s weird. Like, I understand Colorado not having any spots below sea level, but there isn’t one rocky crag somewhere in, like, North Carolina that runs below the ocean level? And like how has someone not dug a big cement-lined pit somewhere on Long Island to set it underneath the sea level just to show they can do something pointless like that? You know? Also, I guess mines and stuff don’t count for lowest elevations, which is fair enough, but wouldn’t they start counting if the mine’s ceiling collapsed? It seems like states could totally rig their thickness rankings if they wanted. Plus, like, I know for a fact that New York State claims sovereignty over the seabed of the entire Hudson River; doesn’t that count as the lowest elevation in the state? I’m saying while I give you this list I think there’s a lot of pointless argument to have about what the lowest points of elevation in states such as New York and Delaware are and yes that is because I’m from New Jersey and angry about the implications of colonial-era borders.

You know, you never really think of Kansas as having more of an elevation change than Pennsylvania does. I feel a bit weirdly defensive about it myself.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index fell five points today when no one brought an umbrella and it got all drizzly out.

116

Statistics Saturday: A Guide To Putting “City” At The End Of A City’s Name


Sounds Weird With “City”

  • London
  • Philadelphia
  • Cincinnati
  • Phoenix, Arizona
  • Northwest Stanwood, Washington
  • Paris
  • Warren, Michigan

Is OK Either Way

  • New York City
  • Bristol, Connecticut
  • Winslow, Arizona
  • Gloucester City, New Jersey
  • Boulder, Colorado
  • Paradise
  • Dodd City, Texas
  • Arkadelphia, Arkansas
  • Boulder City, Nevada

Sounds Weird Without “City”

  • Atlantic City
  • Mexico City
  • Tell City, Indiana
  • Kansas City, Missouri
  • Oklahoma City
  • Oil City, Pennsylvania
  • Kansas City, Kansas

Sounds Like You Made It Up Either Way

  • Belchertown, Massachusetts
  • Southington, Connecticut
  • Central Pacolet, South Carolina

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index rose four points, disappointing analysts who had figured on the index rising four points, but four different points from what they actually got. Some people are never satisfied and somehow they’re the ones we have to try satisfying for some reason.

132

Statistics Saturday: Fifteen Things Humanity Got Around To Before The Writing Of ‘Hotel California’


  1. Inventing the “float glass” process for inexpensive and very uniform transparent glass.
  2. Eliminating smallpox.
  3. All the theatrically released Mister Magoo cartoons.
  4. Establishment of the Ottoman Empire.
  5. Disestablishment of the Ottoman Empire.
  6. Domestication of guinea pigs.
  7. The Third Punic War.
  8. Composing the epic poem The Song Of Roland.
  9. Laying at least six trans-Atlantic telephone cables.
  10. Development of Metropolis-Hastings Monte Carlo algorithms.
  11. Inventing hotels, California.
  12. Landing people on the Moon and returning them to the Earth.
  13. The invention of photocopiers.
  14. Final adjudication of the “wedge” of territory west of Delaware’s Twelve-Mile Circle and claimed by Delaware, Maryland, and Pennsylvania.
  15. Every performance of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show.

On the one hand, many of these seem like much more important things to accomplish first. On the other hand, as swell a song as it may be, it doesn’t seem like “Hotel California” should have taken that much effort to create, does it? History is a curious thing.

Statistics Saturday: Michigan Place Names I Still Don’t Pronounce Right After Three Years


  1. Ypsilanti.
  2. Presque Isle.
  3. Milan.
  4. Charlotte.
  5. Alma.
  6. Saline. Really?
  7. Clio. Why should that be any different.
  8. Rives Junction. And it’s the “Junction” part somehow.
  9. Scipio but that’s because I’m being deliberately difficult in this one particular case.
  10. Lima. Lima? I can’t even have this one?
  11. Just gonna go ahead and put “Lansing” down on this list.
  12. Charlevoix. At this point I’m going to say they’re the ones pronouncing it wrong.
  13. Paw Paw. I’m guessing.
  14. Chrysler. There is no such town or city but I’m going to guess if there were I’d say it wrong anyway.

Statistics Saturday: States of the United States Alphabetized By Capital


Isn’t it a little bit surprising there aren’t two states with capital cities the same name? Like, why couldn’t Kentucky have put its capitol in Jackson? Doesn’t “Jackson, Kentucky” make at least as much sense as “Frankfort, Kentucky”? And wouldn’t it just be great if the capital of Washington were Lincoln? Why not “Dover, Oregon”? “Albany, Montana” is no more absurd than Billings. I think some of these states could make do to share capital city names. If we picked some state — let’s say Colorado — and declared that its capital was named Providence, and we called it that long enough and consistently enough, eventually we’d be right. Especially if we edited Wikipedia. City names aren’t carved in stone, except for in concrete highway overpasses. We have the power to make them anything we want. We need to use this power for good, is what I mean, and I propose that making some states tied in this ordering is a good.

  1. New York
  2. Maryland
  3. Georgia
  4. Maine
  5. Texas
  6. Louisiana
  7. North Dakota
  8. Idaho
  9. Massachusetts
  10. Nevada
  11. West Virginia
  12. Wyoming
  13. South Carolina
  14. Ohio
  15. New Hampshire
  16. Colorado
  17. Iowa
  18. Delaware
  19. Kentucky
  20. Pennsylvania
  21. Connecticut
  22. Montana
  23. Hawaii
  24. Indiana
  25. Mississippi
  26. Missouri
  27. Alaska
  28. Michigan
  29. Nebraska
  30. Arkansas
  31. Wisconsin
  32. Alabama
  33. Vermont
  34. Tennessee
  35. Oklahoma
  36. Washington
  37. Arizona
  38. South Dakota
  39. Rhode Island
  40. North Carolina
  41. Virginia
  42. California
  43. Minnesota
  44. Oregon
  45. Utah
  46. New Mexico
  47. Illinois
  48. Florida
  49. Kansas
  50. New Jersey

Things To Stay Home From This Weekend


Weekend events to celebrate the Fourth of July:

Fireworks Spectacular. The attempt to confront Lisa with her self-centeredness sprawls out of control. Featured side-fights include arguments about who was driving who to that concert in 2005, every remaining issue from Junior Year in the Suites, a squabble that somehow compares Babylon 5 to Star Trek: Voyager, that dispute about the duck pond from two years back, and who told Terry’s mom about the tablecloth after all. Scheduled to begin Friday at 9 pm. Reverberations may last for months, or longer. It depends how long it takes people to start speaking to one another again.

Music Endurance. Once more challengers attempt to turn off Johnny Rivers’s Secret Agent Man instead of kind-of-grooving all the way through it. The last successful Secret Agent Man-stopper was in 2008, so, maybe we’re due? Friday at 10 pm.

Washington Crossing The Delaware Reenactment. The lawsuit about who owns the usufruct of the oars for the reenactment boat was finally settled. The estimated seven Revolutionary War Reenactment groups agreed to have the case mediated by a Court of Oyez and Terminer re-enactors. They’ve been waiting literally since the 1947 State Constitution. That’s the document that asked if we even had oyezes around anymore. They’re some of the more re-enactor-ish groups you can find. The court ruled in favor of hitting with an inflatable squeaky mallet the first person who said “usufruct”. This they revised to anyone saying “usufruct” who wasn’t in the Court re-enactors. Jeremy couldn’t stop giggling. Anyway, now they have all that sorted out and it’s only a little over six months late. Also moved to no river anywhere near the Delaware watershed because that was just too controversial too. Cancelled, due to bad weather.

Annual Doubleheader. Joining the regular debate between “semimonthly” and “bimonthly” is the traditional July treat of “biannual” versus “semiannual” versus “biennial”. Phyllis has promised this will be the first year she doesn’t get into a frothing, screaming fit where she cries out “what would you people make of `centannual’ anyway?” Organizers promise the event will be worth seeing anyway. We don’t buy it either. Punch and small, flavorless sandwiches to be served. Good chance someone will be punched, too, so there’s that. Saturday, 1 pm.

Marching Band. So, funny story. You remember how nobody remembered to arrange a Memorial Day parade until the last minute? And we had to lean on Jeanne to call in some debts with the high schools to put together a respectable marching band? And because of the texting mishaps they started out on Eight Street instead of on Eighth Street? And they started marching a half-hour before everyone else was ready to go? Well, they’ve been spotted on the outskirts of Edmonton. We’ve texted as many of them as we can to tell them to stop and we’re putting together a potluck to raise money to get them back home. Saturday, 7:30 pm. Bring your own sheet music.

Geography Bee. Identify the capitals, populations, economic bases, and interesting features of nations of the world. (This world.) Or try to come up with plausible-sounding alternatives. Championship rounds include making up plausible-sounding countries out of whole cloth. Championship awarded to the person who can compose the most plausible-sounding yet unrealistic continent which isn’t Australia. All are welcome. $4.65 entry fee because the Geography Club has too many 35-cent pieces hanging around. Cloth available $0.65 (city-states and small island countries) to $3.65 (regional powers). Eighth Not Eight Street High School. Sunday, 2 pm.

Grouse Hunt. Hourlong contest to celebrate the diverse set of things people can grumble impotently about. Celebrity categories to include: the roads, newspaper comics pages, piles of things in the corner, record stores, picking your seats when you buy movie tickets, newspapers, how many layers of packaging there are around bananas somehow, those cars where the dashboard instruments are in the center for some reason instead of in front of the steering wheel, and Freestyle. Pitchforks provided, although not the good kind they used to sell in hardware stores, back when the hardware stores were any good and they didn’t have metal detectors even on the entrance doors for some reason. Sunday, 5 pm.

To-Do: Check that this is all happening in the United States. Or the Philippines, we heard that was a thing once. Maybe Liberia? Some of them probably celebrate the fourth as something other than the fourth day of the month, right?

Robert Benchley: What, No Budapest?


Someone trying to be funny is, generally, hoping to get feedback that they have successfully made someone laugh. People saying that they loved the piece are always welcome. More satisfying, I believe, is hearing that your attempt to be funny helped someone through a lousy time in life, or gave someone despairing reason to feel cheer. But I do know what is the most wonderful bit of feedback a humorist can get. I’ve gotten it a few blissful times. The most wonderful feedback a humorist can get is an angry scolding from someone who didn’t get the joke. Robert Benchley must have gotten that all the time, since he was so good at writing things that began more or less normal or plausible and continued until they were past bizarre. And at least once he turned that angry scolding into a new magnificent piece. Please let me share that, from My Ten Years In A Quandary And How They Grew with you.

What —— No Budapest?

A few weeks ago, in this space, I wrote a little treatise on “Movie Boners,” in which I tried to follow the popular custom of picking technical flaws in motion pictures, detecting, for example, that when a character enters a room he has on a bow tie and when he leaves it a four-in-hand.

In the course of this fascinating article I wrote: “In the picture called Dr. Tanner Can’t Eat, there is a scene laid in Budapest. There is no such place as Budapest.”


In answer to this I have received the following communication from M. Schwartzer, of New York City:

“Ask for your money back from your geography teacher. There is such a place as Budapest, and it is not a small village, either. Budapest is the capital of Hungary. In case you never heard of Hungary, it is in Europe. Do you know where Europe is? Respectfully yours,” etc.

I am standing by my guns, Mr. Schwartzer. There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.


I gather that your geography teacher didn’t tell you about the Treaty of Ulm in 1802, in which Budapest was eliminated. By the terms of this treaty (I quote from memory):

“Be it hereby enacted that there shall be no more Budapest. This city has been getting altogether too large lately, and the coffee hasn’t been any too good, either. So, no more Budapest is the decree of this conference, and if the residents don’t like it they can move to some other place.”

This treaty was made at the close of the war of 1805, which was unique in that it began in 1805 and ended in 1802, thereby confusing the contestants so that both sides gave in at once. Budapest was the focal point of the war, as the Slovenes were trying to get rid of it to the Bulgks, and the Bulgks were trying to make the Slovenes keep it. This will explain, Mr. Schwartzer, why there is no such place as Budapest.


If any word other than mine were needed to convince you that you have made a rather ludicrous mistake in this matter, I will quote from a noted authority on non-existent cities, Dr. Almer Doctor, Pinsk Professor of Obduracy in the university of that name. In his Vanished Cities of Central Europe he writes:

“Since 1802 there has been no such place as Budapest. It is too bad, but let’s face it!”

Or, again, from Nerdlinger’s Atlas (revised for the Carnation Show in London in 1921):

“A great many uninformed people look in their atlases for the city of Budapest and complain to us when they cannot find it. Let us take this opportunity to make it clear that there is no such place as Budapest and has not been since 1802. The spot which was once known as Budapest is now known as the Danube River, by Strauss.”


I would not rebuke you so publicly, Mr. Schwartzer, had it not been for that crack of yours about my geography teacher. My geography teacher was a very fine woman and later became the mother of four bouncing boys, two of whom are still bouncing. She knew about what happened to Budapest, and she made no bones about it.

In future communications with me I will thank you to keep her name out of this brawl.

Statistics Saturday: Nations of Asia Ordered By Length


My grand project is drawing nearer completion! Can you feel the sort-of excitement-ish sensation? I know I can.

  • 1. Iran
  • 1 (tie). Iraq
  • 1 (tie). Laos
  • 1 (tie). Oman
  • 5. China
  • 5 (tie). Japan
  • 5 (tie). Nepal
  • 5 (tie). Qatar
  • 5 (tie). Syria
  • 5 (tie). Yemen
  • 11. Bhutan
  • 11 (tie). Brunei
  • 11 (tie). Cyprus
  • 11 (tie). Israel
  • 11 (tie). Jordan
  • 11 (tie). Kuwait
  • 11 (tie). Russia
  • 11 (tie). Turkey
  • 19. Armenia
  • 19 (tie). Bahrain
  • 19 (tie). Georgia
  • 19 (tie). Lebanon
  • 19 (tie). Myanmar
  • 19 (tie). Vietnam
  • 25. Cambodia
  • 25 (tie). Malaysia
  • 25 (tie). Maldives
  • 25 (tie). Mongolia
  • 25 (tie). Pakistan
  • 25 (tie). Thailand
  • 31. Indonesia
  • 31 (tie). Singapore
  • 31 (tie). Sri Lanka
  • 34. Azerbaijan
  • 34 (tie). Bangladesh
  • 34 (tie). Kazakhstan
  • 34 (tie). Kyrgyzstan
  • 34 (tie). Tajikistan
  • 34 (tie). Uzbekistan
  • 40. North Korea
  • 40 (tie). Philippines
  • 40 (tie). South Korea
  • 40 (tie). Timor-Leste
  • 44. Saudi Arabia
  • 44 (tie). Turkmenistan
  • 46. United Arab Emirates

Statistics Saturday: Nations of Africa Ordered By Length


I choose to believe this project will someday be remarked upon by someone else with a comment like “you won’t believe how this changes the way you see the world!”

  • 1. Chad
  • 1 (tie). Mali
  • 1 (tie). Togo
  • 4. Benin
  • 4 (tie). Egypt
  • 4 (tie). Gabon
  • 4 (tie). Ghana
  • 4 (tie). India
  • 4 (tie). Kenya
  • 4 (tie). Libya
  • 4 (tie). Niger
  • 4 (tie). Sudan
  • 13. Angola
  • 13 (tie). Gambia
  • 13 (tie). Guinea
  • 13 (tie). Malawi
  • 13 (tie). Rwanda
  • 13 (tie). Uganda
  • 13 (tie). Zambia
  • 20. Algeria
  • 20 (tie). Burundi
  • 20 (tie). Comoros
  • 20 (tie). Eritrea
  • 20 (tie). Lesotho
  • 20 (tie). Liberia
  • 20 (tie). Morocco
  • 20 (tie). Namibia
  • 20 (tie). Nigeria
  • 20 (tie). Senegal
  • 20 (tie). Somalia
  • 20 (tie). Tunisia
  • 32. Botswana
  • 32 (tie). Cameroon
  • 32 (tie). Djibouti
  • 32 (tie). Ethiopia
  • 32 (tie). Tanzania
  • 32 (tie). Zimbabwe
  • 38. Mauritius
  • 38 (tie). Swaziland
  • 40. Cape Verde
  • 40 (tie). Madagascar
  • 40 (tie). Mauritania
  • 40 (tie). Mozambique
  • 40 (tie). Seychelles
  • 45. Ivory Coast
  • 45 (tie). South Sudan
  • 47. Burkina Faso
  • 47 (tie). Sierra Leone
  • 47 (tie). South Africa
  • 50. Guinea-Bissau
  • 51. Equatorial Guinea
  • 51 (tie). Republic of Congo
  • 53. São Tomé and Príncipe
  • 54. Central African Republic
  • 55. Democratic Republic of the Congo

Statistics Saturday: Nations of Europe Ordered By Length


This listing of nations of a particular continent proved to be the most challenging of any continent so far. This is due to the large number of European countries with names the same length as one another. The student of history knows that is a consequence of the famous Treaty of Ulm of 1802, which I need hardly tell you closed out the war of 1805. You’ve probably read something about it. If you haven’t, you should, as it’s a fascinating problem of history and geography.

  • 1. India [ It’s working! I tell you, it’s working! ]
  • 1 (tie). Italy
  • 1 (tie). Malta
  • 1 (tie). Spain
  • 5. Cyprus
  • 5 (tie). France
  • 5 (tie). Greece
  • 5 (tie). Latvia
  • 5 (tie). Monaco
  • 5 (tie). Norway
  • 5 (tie). Poland
  • 5 (tie). Russia
  • 5 (tie). Serbia
  • 5 (tie). Sweden
  • 5 (tie). Turkey
  • 16. Albania
  • 16 (tie). Andorra
  • 16 (tie). Armenia
  • 16 (tie). Austria
  • 16 (tie). Belarus
  • 16 (tie). Belgium
  • 16 (tie). Croatia
  • 16 (tie). Denmark
  • 16 (tie). Estonia
  • 16 (tie). Finland
  • 16 (tie). Georgia
  • 16 (tie). Germany
  • 16 (tie). Hungary
  • 16 (tie). Iceland
  • 16 (tie). Ireland
  • 16 (tie). Moldova
  • 16 (tie). Romania
  • 16 (tie). Ukraine
  • 34. Bulgaria
  • 34 (tie). Portugal
  • 34 (tie). Slovakia
  • 34 (tie). Slovenia
  • 38. Lithuania
  • 38 (tie). Macedonia
  • 40. Azerbaijan
  • 40 (tie). Kazakhstan
  • 40 (tie). Luxembourg
  • 40 (tie). Montenegro
  • 40 (tie). San Marino
  • 45. Switzerland
  • 46. Vatican City
  • 47. Liechtenstein
  • 48. Czech Republic
  • 49. The Netherlands
  • 50. The United Kingdom
  • 51. Bosnia and Herzegovina

Statistics Saturday: Nations of Oceania Ordered By Length


(This one was complicated by my learning that “Oceania” still looks wrong to me even when I have independent evidence that I’m spelling it right.)

  1. Fiji
  2. Niue
  3. India [ I choose to think my ploy to increase my Indian readership is working. ]
  4. Nauru
  5. Palau
  6. Samoa
  7. Tonga
  8. Tuvalu
  9. Vanuatu
  10. Kiribati
  11. Australia
  12. New Zealand
  13. Cook Islands
  14. Solomon Islands
  15. Marshall Islands
  16. Papua New Guinea
  17. Federated States of Micronesia

Statistics Saturday: Nations of North America Organized By Length


(This ended up more complicated than I figured, because I forgot Caribbean countries would be in the list.)

  1. Cuba
  2. Saba
  3. Aruba
  4. Haiti
  5. India [ Note: Again, not properly a nation of North America, but I’m trying to increase my Indian readership. ]
  6. Belize
  7. Canada
  8. Mexico
  9. Panama
  10. Bermuda
  11. Bonaire
  12. Curaçao
  13. Grenada
  14. Jamaica
  15. Anguilla
  16. Barbados
  17. Dominica
  18. Honduras
  19. Greenland
  20. Guatemala
  21. Nicaragua
  22. Costa Rica
  23. Guadeloupe
  24. Martinique
  25. Montserrat
  26. El Salvador
  27. Puerto Rico
  28. Saint Lucia
  29. The Bahamas
  30. Saint Martin
  31. Sint Maarten
  32. United States
  33. Cayman Islands
  34. Navassa Island
  35. Sint Eustatius
  36. Saint Barthélemy
  37. Clipperton Island
  38. Dominican Republic
  39. Antigua and Barbuda
  40. Trinidad and Tobago
  41. Saint Kitts and Nevis
  42. British Virgin Islands
  43. Turks and Caicos Islands
  44. Saint Pierre and Miquelon
  45. United States Virgin Islands
  46. Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Statistics Saturday: Nations Of South America Organized By Length


  1. Peru
  2. Chile
  3. India [NOTE: not technically a nation of South America, but I’m trying to increase my Indian readership and every little mention helps.]
  4. Brazil
  5. Guyana
  6. Bolivia
  7. Ecuador
  8. Uruguay
  9. Colombia
  10. Paraguay
  11. Suriname
  12. Argentina
  13. Venezuela
  14. French Guiana
  15. Falkland Islands
  16. South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands

Statistics Saturday: Number Of New Jersey Municipalities With “Egg” In Their Name By County


County Number Of Municipalities With “Egg” In Their Name
Atlantic 2 [1]
Bergen 0
Burlington 0
Camden 0
Cape May 0
Cumberland 0
Essex 0
Gloucester 0
Hudson 0
Hunterdon 0
Mercer 0
Middlesex 0
Monmouth 0
Morris 0
Ocean 1 [2]
Passaic 0
Salem 0
Somerset 0
Sussex 0
Union 0
Warren 0

[1] Egg Harbor City, Egg Harbor Township.

[2] Little Egg Harbor Township.

No two “Egg Harbor” municipalities share a border.

Statistics Saturday: The Size of Rhode Island in terms of Football Fields


“Length” is here taken to be longitudinal, east-west, distance; “Width” that to be latitudinal, north-south, distance. “Height” is that normal thing.

The dimensions of Rhode Island as measured by an (American) football field, with the long dimension (120 yards) running east-to-west:

Dimension Football Fields
Length 1772
Width 888
Height 4940

The dimensions of Rhode Island as measured by an (American) football field, with the long dimension (120 yards) running north-to-south:

Dimension Football Fields
Length 788
Width 1999
Height 4940
A map of Rhode Island, with a grid spaced to roughly the proportions of a football field superimposed on it.
Rhode Island (yellow) against a grid of football fields (not to scale).

  1. Yes, I’m including Block Island.
  2. I’m including the end zones.
  3. Football field artificial grass is apparently 5 cm tall, so I’m supposing that to be the standard height of the grass on the field.
  4. Only land points of Rhode Island are being included, thus, the westernmost extent is at Napatree Point.
  5. If there’s any part of Rhode Island that’s below sea level I don’t know it.

Statistics Saturday: A Depressingly Long List Of Countries Where I Am Not Read


I recently reached my 11,000th reader here! And more recently, my 11,111th reader. But that doesn’t mean just anybody is looking at pages here so, based on the WordPress statistics page and a list of nations of the world that I found … somewhere … here’s as best I can figure all the countries that haven’t sent me even a single reader all the time I’ve been here, as of early the 29th of November:

Afghanistan Akrotiri American Samoa Andorra Angola
Anguilla Antarctica Antigua and Barbuda Armenia Aruba
Ashmore and Cartier Islands Azerbaijan The Bahamas Bassas da India Belarus
Belize Benin Bermuda Bhutan Bolivia
Botswana Bouvet Island British Indian Ocean Territory British Virgin Islands Brunei
Burkina Faso Burma Burundi Cambodia Cameroon
Cape Verde Cayman Islands Central African Republic Chad China
Christmas Island Clipperton Island Cocos (Keeling) Islands Comoros Congo, Democratic Republic of the
Congo, Republic of the Cook Islands Coral Sea Islands Cote d’Ivoire Croatia
Cuba Dhekelia Djibouti Dominica Dominican Republic
Egypt El Salvador Equatorial Guinea Eritrea Estonia
Ethiopia Europa Island Falkland Islands (Islas Malvinas) Faroe Islands Federated States of Micronesia
Fiji French Guiana French Polynesia French Southern and Antarctic Lands Gabon
The Gambia Gaza Strip Georgia Gibraltar Glorioso Islands
Greenland Grenada Guadeloupe Guam Guatemala
Guernsey Guinea Guinea-Bissau Guyana Haiti
Heard Island and McDonald Islands Honduras Iran Isle of Man Jan Mayen
Jersey Jordan Juan de Nova Island Kenya Kiribati
Kyrgyzstan Laos Latvia Lesotho Liberia
Libya Liechtenstein Luxembourg Macau Madagascar
Malawi Maldives Mali Marshall Islands Martinique
Mauritania Mauritius Mayotte Monaco Mongolia
Montserrat Mozambique Namibia Nauru Navassa Island
Nepal Netherlands Antilles New Caledonia Nicaragua Niger
Niue Norfolk Island North Korea Northern Mariana Islands Palau
Panama Papua New Guinea Paracel Islands Paraguay Pitcairn Islands
Reunion Rwanda Saint Helena Saint Kitts and Nevis Saint Lucia
Saint Pierre and Miquelon Saint Vincent and the Grenadines Samoa San Marino Sao Tome and Principe
Senegal Seychelles Sierra Leone Solomon Islands Somalia
South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands Spratly Islands Sudan Suriname Svalbard
Swaziland Syria Taiwan Tajikistan Timor-Leste
Togo Tokelau Tonga Tromelin Island Turkmenistan
Turks and Caicos Islands Tuvalu Uganda Uzbekistan Vanuatu
Vatican City Virgin Islands Wake Island Wallis and Futuna West Bank
Western Sahara Yemen Zambia Zimbabwe

Have to be honest: I’m not surprised about Cuba, North Korea, or Mongolia. And I figure Syria, Sudan, Clipperton Island, and Eritrea have better things to do than deal with me. But Bermuda? That hurts, man, and not having both Luxemburg and Liechtenstein? Well, that’s just not fair.


I’m not sure of the Republic of the Congo and the Democratic Republic of the Congo are the same place or not. I have a nagging recollection that they’re completely different places and I should know whether they are, but it’s embarrassing to admit that and I think I’m just going to put them in different table rows and hope nobody notices the listing because who’s actually going to read all those listed countries and see if I made up any of them?

Statistics Saturday: The States Of The United States In Order Of Their md5 Hashes


  1. Missouri
  2. Iowa
  3. Maryland
  4. North Carolina
  5. Mississippi
  6. Colorado
  7. Nebraska
  8. Alabama
  9. New Jersey
  10. California
  11. Louisiana
  12. Arizona
  13. Maine
  14. Minnesota
  15. Arkansas
  16. Idaho
  17. New Hampshire
  18. Ohio
  19. Wisconsin
  20. Illinois
  21. Utah
  22. Washington
  23. Kansas
  24. Massachusetts
  25. West Virginia
  26. Wyoming
  27. Texas
  28. New York
  29. New Mexico
  30. Michigan
  31. Nevada
  32. Oklahoma
  33. Kentucky
  34. Pennsylvania
  35. Tennessee
  36. Montana
  37. North Dakota
  38. Hawaii
  39. Rhode Island
  40. Delaware
  41. Indiana
  42. Virginia
  43. South Carolina
  44. Oregon
  45. Vermont
  46. Alaska
  47. Georgia
  48. Florida
  49. South Dakota
  50. Connecticut

The most surprising result of all this is it was quicker for me to type up a list of the state names and write the PHP code for finding all their md5 hashes than it was to do anything else I accomplished this week.

Statistics Saturday: Countries Which Have Sent Me A Prime Number Of Visitors This Past Quarter-Year


A quarter of a year (91 days) is not prime, but what can you do? Calendar reform hasn’t been a going concern since the 1930s.

Country Prime Number of Visitors
Argentina 2
Australia 17
Austria 5
Brazil 2
Chile 2
Colombia 3
Cyprus 2
Denmark 2
Finland 3
France 3
Greece 5
Indonesia 3
Italy 2
Macedonia, the Former Yugoslav Republic 2
Malaysia 2
Malta 2

New Zealand 3
Pakistan 3
Romania 2
Russian Federation 2
Turkey 7

Somehow I had always imagined myself to have a more composite relationship with Malta and Malaysia. Australia feels about right.

The Numbers And What They Were For April 2014


I’ve been tracking my statistics around these parts, and the start of a month is a good time to review neurotically how unpopular I am, so, here we go. According to WordPress, the humor blog here had 396 page views in April 2014. That’s down from March’s 468, but it’s still the third-highest monthly total I have on record. There were a relatively meager 167 unique visitors, down from 199, but that means the views per visitor grew imperceptibly from 2.35 to 2.37. That’s also the third-highest views-per-visitor for a month that I have on record, so, that’s something.

312 of the viewers came from the United States this past month, with nine each from Canada and the United Kingdom, and lesser counts from other nations of the world. Sending me a single visitor each were Greece, Indonesia, Ireland, Italy, Lithuania, Nigeria, Pakistan, Romania, South Korea, Sovenia, and Spain. Pakistan’s the only repeat from last month. Nobody came here from Gambia, the Central African Republic, nor from Turks or Caicos.

The most popular posts this month were:

  1. Five Astounding Facts About Turbo, That Movie About A Snail in The Indianapolis 500, which really is going to outlast me. I had a friend run across it this month, while he was looking for facts about Turbo for some reason, and he was delighted to find he knew the author.
  2. The Record Offensive, helped into popularity, I think, because of its captivating central image of parachuted record players and also of the good-quality comments.
  3. Bunny Snacking, which had some strong appeal to the bunny community, I believe.
  4. Statistics Saturday: Country Populations Versus What I Thought, which I’m guessing got a lot of people who thought there was actual geography at work in there.
  5. Quarks of nature, a rare reblogging for me of A Labor Of Like’s writing.
  6. How To Write Out Numbers, which I dearly hope is being used as someone’s writing guide, but I know isn’t.

Terms that have brought viewers to my blog this past month have included, besides the abundance of Turbo search terms:

Expedition Log, Day 1, Day 3: Nothing


11:58 am. Coming to question entire point of expedition. What is the point of discovery? What is the value of exploration? How can traveller’s tales of Upper Fiddled Mewes or the eastern shore of the Pompous Lakes District be relevant to the modern age? Is there a point to continuing, and at that, is there a point to pointedness when life is occupied by a string of suffering that stretches to the indefinite past and to the pointlessness of the future? The Price Is Right ended in a Double Overbid. After enough time spent staring into the void will come the balm of punching a book of Nietzsche.

Total Mileage: 0 (me), 0.001136 miles (book of Nietzsche, would have been farther but it hit the wall; may try again in a larger room).