Tag: geography

Anyway I’ve Never Had Reason to Seriously Think I Might Not Be Neurotypical


Just sitting up, quietly fuming about that assignment in third-grade history class where we had to take a map of the outline of New Jersey, where we lived, and draw something that it looked like. And, like, I like New Jersey sure. There’s a lot of nice things to say about it. But it does not look like anything. Classmates were doing stuff like drawing it as a face looking west or something and just, no, it is not, stop pretending that it does, classmates from a very long time ago who probably aren’t sitting up thinking how they put one over on little Joseph Nebus like that. Maybe a sock that fell on the mattress, that’s the only thing the state kind of looks like.

Statistics Saturday: Most Commonly Misspelled US Cities


  1. Cincinnatti, Ohio
  2. Schenactedy, New York
  3. Schenectedy, New York
  4. Pittsburg, Pennsylvania
  5. Cincinati, Ohio
  6. Schenachtady, New York
  7. Cinncinatti, Ohio
  8. Culpepper, Virginia
  9. Schenectody, New York
  10. Cincinnati, Ohio
  11. Cinncinnati, Ohio
  12. Schenachtady, New York

Reference: On The Laps Of Gods: The Red Summer Of 1919 And The Struggle For Justice That Remade a Nation, Robert Whitaker.

Statistics Saturday: US States Spelled Using Only Their Postal Abbreviations


  • Alaaa
  • Aaka [*]
  • Aza
  • Araa
  • Caa
  • Cooo
  • Cctct [*]
  • Dee
  • Fl
  • Gga
  • Hii
  • Id
  • Illii [*]
  • Inin
  • Ia
  • Kss
  • Kky
  • Laa
  • Me
  • Md
  • Maa
  • Mii
  • Mnn [*]
  • Mssss
  • Mo
  • Mt
  • Ne
  • Nv
  • Nhh
  • Nj
  • Nm
  • Ny
  • Ncn
  • Nd [*]
  • Oho
  • Oko
  • Oro
  • Paa
  • Ri
  • Sc
  • Sd
  • Tnn [*]
  • Tx
  • Ut
  • Vt
  • Va
  • Wa
  • Wv
  • Wii
  • Wy

[*] Signifies is also an alien character, species, or world in C J Cherryh’s Chanur novels.

Reference: The Air Show At Brescia, 1909, Peter Demetz.

Statistics Saturday: New York Cities, Ranked


  1. Greater New York City
  2. New York City
  3. West New York, NJ
  4. Lesser New York City
  5. New New York, New New York, The Future (Earth)
  6. New York, Lincolnshire, England
  7. New York, New Mexico
  8. New York, Santa Barbara, Honduras
  9. New New York, New Earth, The Future (Space)
  10. New York, Saint Catherine, Jamaica
  11. Least New York City
  12. New York, Texas

Not listed: I accidentally ran across the Quora page attempting to answer “Why is it called ‘New York, New York’ if the city’s name is ‘New York City’?” and it’s caused my brain to try squeezing out of my skull.

Reference: The Numbers Game: Baseball’s Lifelong Fascination With Statistics, Alan Schwarz.

The level I’m operating at today


Spent a long, long time chuckling at how this “Smoky Carolina BBQ” vegan jerky advertised itself with a picture of Kentucky, a state that is neither North or South Carolina, before finally noticing the company name is “Louisville” and that’s the largest single thing on the entire package.

Photograph of a package of Louisville Vegan Jerky Company's Smoky Carolina BBQ. Under the 'Smoky Carolina BBQ' is a picture of Kentucky, with a dot representing Louisville. While 'Smokey Carolina BBQ' as the flavor is prominent, the word 'LOUISVILLE' is more than twice as large.
Part of the trouble may be that I don’t eat jerky, so it shouldn’t much matter to me where it comes from.

So this week as you see me not understanding things, consider, this is my understanding-things baseline.

In which the counties of Iowa try to get back in my good graces by amusing me


Yeah, so, that thing where I was fed up with that double-stack county in Iowa last week? That’s Kossuth County and there’s stories behind it.

Map of Iowa showing the divisions for counties, which are mostly fairly uniform and nearly rectangular counties. On the northern boundary is one county, highlighted in orange, that is double the height of all the others in its row, but the same width.
Not depicted: either Armstrong County, South Dakota, the first of which was a thing from 1873 to 1879 in what’s now southeast South Dakota and the second of which was a thing from 1883 through 1952 in the central part of South Dakota, because South Dakota has got not much to do with Iowa apart from sharing letters such as ‘a’ and ‘o’.

So Kossuth County had been the lower half of this. In 1857 it absorbed the northern county, Bancroft County, because it turned out the whole area was wetlands and it wasn’t any good for farming. That’s all fine and that’s like the first joke I would make about it. But you know what they say about never using your first joke about something? (They say don’t use your first joke about something.) Well, in 1870 they (Iowa) carved a county out of the northern part of that again. They didn’t just call it Bancroft County II: The Secret Of Curly’s Ooze, though. They named it Crocker County. And this didn’t work because it turned out Iowa’s constitution prohibited the creation of any new counties smaller than 432 square miles, and Crocker County was, so the Iowa Supreme Court voided it the next year. Anyway, 1871: bad year for the Paris Commune and north-central Iowan counties.

Statistics Saturday: Where More Comic Strips Are Set


Since it turns out people like geography! Who knew?

Comic Strip Setting
The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee Anytown, USA
One Big Happy Anytown, USA
Buckles Anytown, USA
FoxTrot Anytown, USA
Red and Rover Anytown, USA
Between Friends Anytown, Canada [1]
Heathcliff Anytown, USA
Shoe Anytown, Delmarva Peninsula, Virginia
Graffiti Anytown, USA
Rose is Rose Anytown, USA
Bleeker: The Rechargeable Dog Anytown, USA
Ginger Meggs Anytown, Australia

[1] “Anytown, Canada” means “Suburban Toronto”.

Reference: Yerkes Observatory, 1892-1950: The Birth, Near Death, and Resurrection of a Scientific Research Institution, Donald E Osterbrock.

In which I am jolly well fed up with the counties of Iowa


OK, so I was looking at Wikipedia’s page about the counties of Iowa for the usual reason and then this bit of nonsense caught my eye.

Map of Iowa showing the divisions for counties, which are mostly fairly uniform and nearly rectangular counties. On the northern boundary is one county, highlighted in orange, that is double the height of all the others in its row, but the same width.
The map here by the way I didn’t just rip off of Wikipedia. I went to Iowa’s Geographic Information Services Department So Far As I Can Tell and got their scans based on the 7.5′ topographic quadrangle maps they have. So that’s the level of crankiness I am bringing to this. Yes, yes, I know what you’re wondering and according to the metadata, this map “encompass’ [ sic ] the Iowa-Nebraska Compact of 1943” so don’t worry.

So, look, Iowa. Either have a pattern for your counties, or don’t have a pattern. Don’t give me this nonsense of a bunch of nice little orderly rows and columns and then just toss in a double-height county like that. Furrfu. Re-work this and come back when you’ve fixed the issue.

Statistics Saturday: Where Comic Strips Are Set


Note: comic strip locations even when tied to the real world are often fictionalized to some extent, allowing for, for example, wintertime snows even if this would be unlikely to happen every year, or as severely as is shown. Or they are synthesized from pieces of more than one location. Don’t @ me. Fun activity: spot the error!

Comic Strip Setting
Pogo Okefenokee Swamp, Georgia
The Family Circus Scottsdale, Arizona
Get Fuzzy Boston
Frazz Lansing metropolitan area, Michigan
Wallace the Brave Rhode Island
Peanuts Sebastopol/Needles, California
Funky Winkerbean Akron/Strongsville, Ohio
Andy Capp Hartlepool, England, UK
Monty Middlesex County, New Jersey
The Fusco Brothers Newark, New Jersey
Non Sequitur Maine
Sherman’s Lagoon Near the Palau Archipelago, Federated States of Micronesia
Blondie Joplin, Missouri
JumpStart Philadelphia
Breaking Cat News New England
Fred Basset London

Reference: Yerkes Observatory, 1892-1950: The Birth, Near Death, and Resurrection of a Scientific Research Institution, Donald E Osterbrock.

Statistics Saturday: Pennsylvania Municipalities With Other States’ Names


  • Wyoming
  • Indiana
  • Delaware
  • Delaware Water Gap
  • California
  • Jersey Shore
  • East Washington
  • California
  • New Washington
  • Ohioville
  • Washington
  • Oklahoma
  • Ohio
  • Ohiopyle
  • Texas
  • Washingtonville
  • West Wyoming

Reference: History of the Hour: Clocks and Modern Temporal Orders, Gerhard Dohrn-van Rossum.

Not listed: North York, West York, Pennsburg, York.

Statistics Saturday: The World’s Least Canadas


(In response to the numerous questions submitted by readers after last week’s piece that I’m sure they meant to send in but forgot.)

  1. Mayotte
  2. Adanac, Ontario
  3. Tromelin Island
  4. Manalapan, Florida
  5. Canada, Oiratno
  6. Canada (asteroid)
  7. Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania
  8. Adanac, Oiratno

Reference: Exploring Space with a Camera, Edgar M Cortright.

The Long-Term Forecast


So Australia’s looking like they’re committed to not asking me to prime ministrate for them. Fine, all right. It’s time for some long-term planning. If you don’t agree it’s time for that, come back in ten minutes and see if it’s time then. If that still doesn’t work, come back in 1,425 years and then we’ll see who’s saying what. No, that’s not me tricking you into long-term planning. I’m thinking of something that’s really long term. Like, longer even than 1,430 years.

If we keep looking forward we find the Sun’s going to keep shining. This just makes sense. The costs of constructing the Sun have been nearly completely amortized. Replacing it with something else that would provide the same services would be fiscally irresponsible. Just complying with the changes in zoning regulations would make the whole project economically dubious. If you disagree I can put you in touch with the Comptroller, but do be warned, he’s a hugger.

The thing about the Sun shining that’s relevant here is that it puts out all sorts of light. A bit of it presses down on our ground. The rest goes off somewhere, we don’t know where. It’s probably harmless. But while light doesn’t have mass, it does carry momentum, as it had the idea that this would make it more popular in middle school. This worked as well as every plan to be more popular in middle school. Nevertheless, when light hits the surface of the Earth, it delivers this momentum, pushing down on the planet just like tennis balls hitting the ground would, only without the benefit of line judges.

Imagine the Earth were made of Play-Doh. This is a simplification for the purpose of planning. It’s really made of a Silly Putty alloy. Nevertheless, if you take a gob of Play-Doh out of its can you’ll quickly get distracted by that weird not-exactly-polymer smell. Push past that, though. Roll the thing into a ball and set it on a table. It doesn’t stay round forever. The pull of gravity will spread it out. This takes time, but that’s all right. You can let this run for billions of years, if that’s what it takes. You don’t have plans that far out, even though you somehow don’t have the time to do anything either.

The Earth isn’t just sitting on a table, which is a relief, since it would probably leave a stain on the tablecloth. But the pressure of that sunlight has a similar effect, except for going the opposite way. As the sunlight presses on the Earth, the planet’s also rotating, which implies we’ll eventually have the planet rolled out into a long and skinny pole, several inches wide and unspeakably long. It’s astounding enough to think of it twirling around the solar system like an enormous baton. But imagine the size of the matching cheerleaders and marching band. All Jupiter would barely be enough material to make the tuba.

What can we expect for life on this Pole World to be like? The obvious supposition is that it will serve very well the descendants of modern large cities. People who’ve gotten very used to standing on crowded buses and subway cars would be great at clinging to a pole for stability. This is too facile an analysis. It overlooks that, obviously, subway service will have stopped long before the Earth becomes a rod only a couple inches across. Bus service can continue a bit longer after subways become impossible, of course. But even that will have to end no later than when the Earth is a cylinder at most ten feet in diameter.

Without subway or bus service most large-city commuting will be impossible. This will require a major restructuring of the economy. But given how much demand there’s likely to be for hooks or straps that could catch onto the Pole World, for stability, this restructuring was probably going to happen anyway.

It’ll also be tough for burrowing animals. But they’ll evolve adjustments to these changes gradually. This means we will most likely not get a great moment where a groundhog shuffles off, confident it’s going to get away from whatever is annoying it, and starts digging, and then accidentally pops out the other side of the planet and looks stymied and confused. Reality does have a way of spoiling the cool stuff like that. But animals that cling to branches or vines seem set to do well. Two- and three-toed sloths may find the geography extremely comfortable except when someone’s trying to pass.

But who really knows? As the city-dwellers example shows, the full reality of something can have weird and counter-intuitive results. This is why it is so hard to predict the distant future. Well, we can check back in a couple dozen gabillion years and see how it’s all turned out.

Statistics Saturday: Twenty Imaginary Eras In French History


  • The Third Empire
  • Restored Orleanism
  • The Algiers Republic
  • Bloisplosion
  • Le Fin-du-Mer
  • When Brittany Was But A Ballroom
  • The Lesser Infantasy
  • Clovis, Clovis, Clovis, Marc, Henri, and Danielle
  • The Slendering of the Fattened Hats
  • L’année des Ratons Laveur
  • The Glass Languedoc
  • The Seven Reigns of Queen Mercredi
  • Too Many Saints-Marcel
  • The Halving of the Mauve
  • The Bois are Barque En Têt
  • Nineteen Sixty-J
  • Six Pragmatic Bretons and their Goat
  • Nantes Énorme et le Poivre
  • Reynard’s Truce of the Dances
  • The Second Technocracy of Dreux

Source: This New Ocean: A History of Project Mercury, Loyd S Swenson Jr, James M Grimwood, Charles C Alexander.

Bonus: six of these are also titles of upcoming Doctor Who episodes.

Also bonus: I am way too proud of “The Bois are Barque En Têt” considering it only works to the tiny extent it does if you know that the Têt is the largest river in southwestern France and even then it isn’t actually “funny” so much as it is “adequately researched”.

Statistics Saturday: Several Fake Canadian Provinces Or Territories


  • Upper Columbia
  • Greater Toronto
  • District of Skagway
  • Breton
  • Lesser Fromronto
  • Mtigwaki
  • South Brunswick
  • Middling Threeronto
  • Roberta
  • Upper Saddle River
  • Fouronto
  • Adanac
  • Manicotti
  • Moosylvania
  • Scottish Oregon
  • Severaltoba
  • Gogebic County, Michigan
  • Territory of Sasquatch
  • Shuswap Regional District Time
  • Montreal Oblast
  • Maplesota Territory
  • Equatorial Labrador
  • Saskatchemifyoucan
  • Prince Rupert’s Nose

Note: Mooseapopalis is not named as it is, of course, a fictional city in Nova Carolus and not a fake province or territory of Canada. We weren’t born yesterday.

Fun Fact: I did not call this “Faux Canada” because the wordplay never crossed my mind, and don’t think I’m not all burnt up about that. I may never forgive myself. Well, it’s too late now. Too bad.

Another Fun Fact: I am completely incapable of telling whether a fact is, in fact, fun.

Source: History of the Space Shuttle, Volume 1: The Space Shuttle Decision, 1965 – 1972, T A Heppenheimer.

Statistics Saturday: The United States In Descending Order Of Thickness


Also including the District of Columbia because, heck, what does that cost me?

State Or District Of Columbia Thickness
Alaska 20,310 ft / 6191 m
California 14,783 ft / 4506 m
Washington 14,417 ft / 4394 m
Hawaii 13,803 ft / 4207 m
Nevada 12,665 ft / 3860 m
Arizona 12,565 ft / 3830 m
Idaho 11,954 ft / 3644 m
Utah 11,354 ft / 3461 m
Oregon 11,249 ft / 3429 m
Colorado 11,123 ft / 3390 m
Montana 11,003 ft / 3354 m
Wyoming 10,709 ft / 3264 m
New Mexico 10,323 ft / 3147 m
Texas 8,751 ft / 2667 m
North Carolina 6,684 ft / 2037 m
Tennessee 6,466 ft / 1971 m
New Hampshire 6,288 ft / 1917 m
South Dakota 6,276 ft / 1913 m
Virginia 5,729 ft / 1746 m
New York 5,343 ft / 1629 m
Maine 5,270 ft / 1606 m
Georgia 4,784 ft / 1458 m
Oklahoma 4,686 ft / 1428 m
West Virginia 4,623 ft / 1409 m
Nebraska 4,587 ft / 1398 m
Vermont 4,300 ft / 1311 m
Kentucky 3,887 ft / 1185 m
South Carolina 3,560 ft / 1085 m
Massachusetts 3,489 ft / 1063 m
Kansas 3,361 ft / 1025 m
Maryland 3,360 ft / 1024 m
Pennsylvania 3,213 ft / 979 m
North Dakota 2,757 ft / 840 m
Arkansas 2,698 ft / 822 m
Alabama 2,413 ft / 736 m
Connecticut 2,379 ft / 725 m
New Jersey 1,803 ft / 550 m
Minnesota 1,700 ft / 518 m
Missouri 1,542 ft / 470 m
Michigan 1,408 ft / 429 m
Wisconsin 1,372 ft / 418 m
Iowa 1,191 ft / 363 m
Ohio 1,094 ft / 333 m
Illinois 955 ft / 291 m
Indiana 937 ft / 286 m
Rhode Island 811 ft / 247 m
Mississippi 807 ft / 246 m
Louisiana 543 ft / 165 m
Delaware 447 ft / 136 m
District of Columbia 408 ft / 124 m
Florida 345 ft / 105 m

Source: Wikipedia from which I learn there’s only two states that have spots below sea level? That’s weird. Like, I understand Colorado not having any spots below sea level, but there isn’t one rocky crag somewhere in, like, North Carolina that runs below the ocean level? And like how has someone not dug a big cement-lined pit somewhere on Long Island to set it underneath the sea level just to show they can do something pointless like that? You know? Also, I guess mines and stuff don’t count for lowest elevations, which is fair enough, but wouldn’t they start counting if the mine’s ceiling collapsed? It seems like states could totally rig their thickness rankings if they wanted. Plus, like, I know for a fact that New York State claims sovereignty over the seabed of the entire Hudson River; doesn’t that count as the lowest elevation in the state? I’m saying while I give you this list I think there’s a lot of pointless argument to have about what the lowest points of elevation in states such as New York and Delaware are and yes that is because I’m from New Jersey and angry about the implications of colonial-era borders.

You know, you never really think of Kansas as having more of an elevation change than Pennsylvania does. I feel a bit weirdly defensive about it myself.

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index fell five points today when no one brought an umbrella and it got all drizzly out.

116

Statistics Saturday: A Guide To Putting “City” At The End Of A City’s Name


Sounds Weird With “City”

  • London
  • Philadelphia
  • Cincinnati
  • Phoenix, Arizona
  • Northwest Stanwood, Washington
  • Paris
  • Warren, Michigan

Is OK Either Way

  • New York City
  • Bristol, Connecticut
  • Winslow, Arizona
  • Gloucester City, New Jersey
  • Boulder, Colorado
  • Paradise
  • Dodd City, Texas
  • Arkadelphia, Arkansas
  • Boulder City, Nevada

Sounds Weird Without “City”

  • Atlantic City
  • Mexico City
  • Tell City, Indiana
  • Kansas City, Missouri
  • Oklahoma City
  • Oil City, Pennsylvania
  • Kansas City, Kansas

Sounds Like You Made It Up Either Way

  • Belchertown, Massachusetts
  • Southington, Connecticut
  • Central Pacolet, South Carolina

Another Blog, Meanwhile Index

The index rose four points, disappointing analysts who had figured on the index rising four points, but four different points from what they actually got. Some people are never satisfied and somehow they’re the ones we have to try satisfying for some reason.

132

Statistics Saturday: Fifteen Things Humanity Got Around To Before The Writing Of ‘Hotel California’


  1. Inventing the “float glass” process for inexpensive and very uniform transparent glass.
  2. Eliminating smallpox.
  3. All the theatrically released Mister Magoo cartoons.
  4. Establishment of the Ottoman Empire.
  5. Disestablishment of the Ottoman Empire.
  6. Domestication of guinea pigs.
  7. The Third Punic War.
  8. Composing the epic poem The Song Of Roland.
  9. Laying at least six trans-Atlantic telephone cables.
  10. Development of Metropolis-Hastings Monte Carlo algorithms.
  11. Inventing hotels, California.
  12. Landing people on the Moon and returning them to the Earth.
  13. The invention of photocopiers.
  14. Final adjudication of the “wedge” of territory west of Delaware’s Twelve-Mile Circle and claimed by Delaware, Maryland, and Pennsylvania.
  15. Every performance of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show.

On the one hand, many of these seem like much more important things to accomplish first. On the other hand, as swell a song as it may be, it doesn’t seem like “Hotel California” should have taken that much effort to create, does it? History is a curious thing.

Statistics Saturday: Michigan Place Names I Still Don’t Pronounce Right After Three Years


  1. Ypsilanti.
  2. Presque Isle.
  3. Milan.
  4. Charlotte.
  5. Alma.
  6. Saline. Really?
  7. Clio. Why should that be any different.
  8. Rives Junction. And it’s the “Junction” part somehow.
  9. Scipio but that’s because I’m being deliberately difficult in this one particular case.
  10. Lima. Lima? I can’t even have this one?
  11. Just gonna go ahead and put “Lansing” down on this list.
  12. Charlevoix. At this point I’m going to say they’re the ones pronouncing it wrong.
  13. Paw Paw. I’m guessing.
  14. Chrysler. There is no such town or city but I’m going to guess if there were I’d say it wrong anyway.

Statistics Saturday: States of the United States Alphabetized By Capital


Isn’t it a little bit surprising there aren’t two states with capital cities the same name? Like, why couldn’t Kentucky have put its capitol in Jackson? Doesn’t “Jackson, Kentucky” make at least as much sense as “Frankfort, Kentucky”? And wouldn’t it just be great if the capital of Washington were Lincoln? Why not “Dover, Oregon”? “Albany, Montana” is no more absurd than Billings. I think some of these states could make do to share capital city names. If we picked some state — let’s say Colorado — and declared that its capital was named Providence, and we called it that long enough and consistently enough, eventually we’d be right. Especially if we edited Wikipedia. City names aren’t carved in stone, except for in concrete highway overpasses. We have the power to make them anything we want. We need to use this power for good, is what I mean, and I propose that making some states tied in this ordering is a good.

  1. New York
  2. Maryland
  3. Georgia
  4. Maine
  5. Texas
  6. Louisiana
  7. North Dakota
  8. Idaho
  9. Massachusetts
  10. Nevada
  11. West Virginia
  12. Wyoming
  13. South Carolina
  14. Ohio
  15. New Hampshire
  16. Colorado
  17. Iowa
  18. Delaware
  19. Kentucky
  20. Pennsylvania
  21. Connecticut
  22. Montana
  23. Hawaii
  24. Indiana
  25. Mississippi
  26. Missouri
  27. Alaska
  28. Michigan
  29. Nebraska
  30. Arkansas
  31. Wisconsin
  32. Alabama
  33. Vermont
  34. Tennessee
  35. Oklahoma
  36. Washington
  37. Arizona
  38. South Dakota
  39. Rhode Island
  40. North Carolina
  41. Virginia
  42. California
  43. Minnesota
  44. Oregon
  45. Utah
  46. New Mexico
  47. Illinois
  48. Florida
  49. Kansas
  50. New Jersey

Things To Stay Home From This Weekend


Weekend events to celebrate the Fourth of July:

Fireworks Spectacular. The attempt to confront Lisa with her self-centeredness sprawls out of control. Featured side-fights include arguments about who was driving who to that concert in 2005, every remaining issue from Junior Year in the Suites, a squabble that somehow compares Babylon 5 to Star Trek: Voyager, that dispute about the duck pond from two years back, and who told Terry’s mom about the tablecloth after all. Scheduled to begin Friday at 9 pm. Reverberations may last for months, or longer. It depends how long it takes people to start speaking to one another again.

Music Endurance. Once more challengers attempt to turn off Johnny Rivers’s Secret Agent Man instead of kind-of-grooving all the way through it. The last successful Secret Agent Man-stopper was in 2008, so, maybe we’re due? Friday at 10 pm.

Washington Crossing The Delaware Reenactment. The lawsuit about who owns the usufruct of the oars for the reenactment boat was finally settled. The estimated seven Revolutionary War Reenactment groups agreed to have the case mediated by a Court of Oyez and Terminer re-enactors. They’ve been waiting literally since the 1947 State Constitution. That’s the document that asked if we even had oyezes around anymore. They’re some of the more re-enactor-ish groups you can find. The court ruled in favor of hitting with an inflatable squeaky mallet the first person who said “usufruct”. This they revised to anyone saying “usufruct” who wasn’t in the Court re-enactors. Jeremy couldn’t stop giggling. Anyway, now they have all that sorted out and it’s only a little over six months late. Also moved to no river anywhere near the Delaware watershed because that was just too controversial too. Cancelled, due to bad weather.

Annual Doubleheader. Joining the regular debate between “semimonthly” and “bimonthly” is the traditional July treat of “biannual” versus “semiannual” versus “biennial”. Phyllis has promised this will be the first year she doesn’t get into a frothing, screaming fit where she cries out “what would you people make of `centannual’ anyway?” Organizers promise the event will be worth seeing anyway. We don’t buy it either. Punch and small, flavorless sandwiches to be served. Good chance someone will be punched, too, so there’s that. Saturday, 1 pm.

Marching Band. So, funny story. You remember how nobody remembered to arrange a Memorial Day parade until the last minute? And we had to lean on Jeanne to call in some debts with the high schools to put together a respectable marching band? And because of the texting mishaps they started out on Eight Street instead of on Eighth Street? And they started marching a half-hour before everyone else was ready to go? Well, they’ve been spotted on the outskirts of Edmonton. We’ve texted as many of them as we can to tell them to stop and we’re putting together a potluck to raise money to get them back home. Saturday, 7:30 pm. Bring your own sheet music.

Geography Bee. Identify the capitals, populations, economic bases, and interesting features of nations of the world. (This world.) Or try to come up with plausible-sounding alternatives. Championship rounds include making up plausible-sounding countries out of whole cloth. Championship awarded to the person who can compose the most plausible-sounding yet unrealistic continent which isn’t Australia. All are welcome. $4.65 entry fee because the Geography Club has too many 35-cent pieces hanging around. Cloth available $0.65 (city-states and small island countries) to $3.65 (regional powers). Eighth Not Eight Street High School. Sunday, 2 pm.

Grouse Hunt. Hourlong contest to celebrate the diverse set of things people can grumble impotently about. Celebrity categories to include: the roads, newspaper comics pages, piles of things in the corner, record stores, picking your seats when you buy movie tickets, newspapers, how many layers of packaging there are around bananas somehow, those cars where the dashboard instruments are in the center for some reason instead of in front of the steering wheel, and Freestyle. Pitchforks provided, although not the good kind they used to sell in hardware stores, back when the hardware stores were any good and they didn’t have metal detectors even on the entrance doors for some reason. Sunday, 5 pm.

To-Do: Check that this is all happening in the United States. Or the Philippines, we heard that was a thing once. Maybe Liberia? Some of them probably celebrate the fourth as something other than the fourth day of the month, right?

Robert Benchley: What, No Budapest?


Someone trying to be funny is, generally, hoping to get feedback that they have successfully made someone laugh. People saying that they loved the piece are always welcome. More satisfying, I believe, is hearing that your attempt to be funny helped someone through a lousy time in life, or gave someone despairing reason to feel cheer. But I do know what is the most wonderful bit of feedback a humorist can get. I’ve gotten it a few blissful times. The most wonderful feedback a humorist can get is an angry scolding from someone who didn’t get the joke. Robert Benchley must have gotten that all the time, since he was so good at writing things that began more or less normal or plausible and continued until they were past bizarre. And at least once he turned that angry scolding into a new magnificent piece. Please let me share that, from My Ten Years In A Quandary And How They Grew with you.

What —— No Budapest?

A few weeks ago, in this space, I wrote a little treatise on “Movie Boners,” in which I tried to follow the popular custom of picking technical flaws in motion pictures, detecting, for example, that when a character enters a room he has on a bow tie and when he leaves it a four-in-hand.

In the course of this fascinating article I wrote: “In the picture called Dr. Tanner Can’t Eat, there is a scene laid in Budapest. There is no such place as Budapest.”

In answer to this I have received the following communication from M. Schwartzer, of New York City:

“Ask for your money back from your geography teacher. There is such a place as Budapest, and it is not a small village, either. Budapest is the capital of Hungary. In case you never heard of Hungary, it is in Europe. Do you know where Europe is? Respectfully yours,” etc.

I am standing by my guns, Mr. Schwartzer. There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.

I gather that your geography teacher didn’t tell you about the Treaty of Ulm in 1802, in which Budapest was eliminated. By the terms of this treaty (I quote from memory):

“Be it hereby enacted that there shall be no more Budapest. This city has been getting altogether too large lately, and the coffee hasn’t been any too good, either. So, no more Budapest is the decree of this conference, and if the residents don’t like it they can move to some other place.”

This treaty was made at the close of the war of 1805, which was unique in that it began in 1805 and ended in 1802, thereby confusing the contestants so that both sides gave in at once. Budapest was the focal point of the war, as the Slovenes were trying to get rid of it to the Bulgks, and the Bulgks were trying to make the Slovenes keep it. This will explain, Mr. Schwartzer, why there is no such place as Budapest.

If any word other than mine were needed to convince you that you have made a rather ludicrous mistake in this matter, I will quote from a noted authority on non-existent cities, Dr. Almer Doctor, Pinsk Professor of Obduracy in the university of that name. In his Vanished Cities of Central Europe he writes:

“Since 1802 there has been no such place as Budapest. It is too bad, but let’s face it!”

Or, again, from Nerdlinger’s Atlas (revised for the Carnation Show in London in 1921):

“A great many uninformed people look in their atlases for the city of Budapest and complain to us when they cannot find it. Let us take this opportunity to make it clear that there is no such place as Budapest and has not been since 1802. The spot which was once known as Budapest is now known as the Danube River, by Strauss.”

I would not rebuke you so publicly, Mr. Schwartzer, had it not been for that crack of yours about my geography teacher. My geography teacher was a very fine woman and later became the mother of four bouncing boys, two of whom are still bouncing. She knew about what happened to Budapest, and she made no bones about it.

In future communications with me I will thank you to keep her name out of this brawl.

Statistics Saturday: Nations of Asia Ordered By Length


My grand project is drawing nearer completion! Can you feel the sort-of excitement-ish sensation? I know I can.

  • 1. Iran
  • 1 (tie). Iraq
  • 1 (tie). Laos
  • 1 (tie). Oman
  • 5. China
  • 5 (tie). Japan
  • 5 (tie). Nepal
  • 5 (tie). Qatar
  • 5 (tie). Syria
  • 5 (tie). Yemen
  • 11. Bhutan
  • 11 (tie). Brunei
  • 11 (tie). Cyprus
  • 11 (tie). Israel
  • 11 (tie). Jordan
  • 11 (tie). Kuwait
  • 11 (tie). Russia
  • 11 (tie). Turkey
  • 19. Armenia
  • 19 (tie). Bahrain
  • 19 (tie). Georgia
  • 19 (tie). Lebanon
  • 19 (tie). Myanmar
  • 19 (tie). Vietnam
  • 25. Cambodia
  • 25 (tie). Malaysia
  • 25 (tie). Maldives
  • 25 (tie). Mongolia
  • 25 (tie). Pakistan
  • 25 (tie). Thailand
  • 31. Indonesia
  • 31 (tie). Singapore
  • 31 (tie). Sri Lanka
  • 34. Azerbaijan
  • 34 (tie). Bangladesh
  • 34 (tie). Kazakhstan
  • 34 (tie). Kyrgyzstan
  • 34 (tie). Tajikistan
  • 34 (tie). Uzbekistan
  • 40. North Korea
  • 40 (tie). Philippines
  • 40 (tie). South Korea
  • 40 (tie). Timor-Leste
  • 44. Saudi Arabia
  • 44 (tie). Turkmenistan
  • 46. United Arab Emirates

Statistics Saturday: Nations of Africa Ordered By Length


I choose to believe this project will someday be remarked upon by someone else with a comment like “you won’t believe how this changes the way you see the world!”

  • 1. Chad
  • 1 (tie). Mali
  • 1 (tie). Togo
  • 4. Benin
  • 4 (tie). Egypt
  • 4 (tie). Gabon
  • 4 (tie). Ghana
  • 4 (tie). India
  • 4 (tie). Kenya
  • 4 (tie). Libya
  • 4 (tie). Niger
  • 4 (tie). Sudan
  • 13. Angola
  • 13 (tie). Gambia
  • 13 (tie). Guinea
  • 13 (tie). Malawi
  • 13 (tie). Rwanda
  • 13 (tie). Uganda
  • 13 (tie). Zambia
  • 20. Algeria
  • 20 (tie). Burundi
  • 20 (tie). Comoros
  • 20 (tie). Eritrea
  • 20 (tie). Lesotho
  • 20 (tie). Liberia
  • 20 (tie). Morocco
  • 20 (tie). Namibia
  • 20 (tie). Nigeria
  • 20 (tie). Senegal
  • 20 (tie). Somalia
  • 20 (tie). Tunisia
  • 32. Botswana
  • 32 (tie). Cameroon
  • 32 (tie). Djibouti
  • 32 (tie). Ethiopia
  • 32 (tie). Tanzania
  • 32 (tie). Zimbabwe
  • 38. Mauritius
  • 38 (tie). Swaziland
  • 40. Cape Verde
  • 40 (tie). Madagascar
  • 40 (tie). Mauritania
  • 40 (tie). Mozambique
  • 40 (tie). Seychelles
  • 45. Ivory Coast
  • 45 (tie). South Sudan
  • 47. Burkina Faso
  • 47 (tie). Sierra Leone
  • 47 (tie). South Africa
  • 50. Guinea-Bissau
  • 51. Equatorial Guinea
  • 51 (tie). Republic of Congo
  • 53. São Tomé and Príncipe
  • 54. Central African Republic
  • 55. Democratic Republic of the Congo

Statistics Saturday: Nations of Europe Ordered By Length


This listing of nations of a particular continent proved to be the most challenging of any continent so far. This is due to the large number of European countries with names the same length as one another. The student of history knows that is a consequence of the famous Treaty of Ulm of 1802, which I need hardly tell you closed out the war of 1805. You’ve probably read something about it. If you haven’t, you should, as it’s a fascinating problem of history and geography.

  • 1. India [ It’s working! I tell you, it’s working! ]
  • 1 (tie). Italy
  • 1 (tie). Malta
  • 1 (tie). Spain
  • 5. Cyprus
  • 5 (tie). France
  • 5 (tie). Greece
  • 5 (tie). Latvia
  • 5 (tie). Monaco
  • 5 (tie). Norway
  • 5 (tie). Poland
  • 5 (tie). Russia
  • 5 (tie). Serbia
  • 5 (tie). Sweden
  • 5 (tie). Turkey
  • 16. Albania
  • 16 (tie). Andorra
  • 16 (tie). Armenia
  • 16 (tie). Austria
  • 16 (tie). Belarus
  • 16 (tie). Belgium
  • 16 (tie). Croatia
  • 16 (tie). Denmark
  • 16 (tie). Estonia
  • 16 (tie). Finland
  • 16 (tie). Georgia
  • 16 (tie). Germany
  • 16 (tie). Hungary
  • 16 (tie). Iceland
  • 16 (tie). Ireland
  • 16 (tie). Moldova
  • 16 (tie). Romania
  • 16 (tie). Ukraine
  • 34. Bulgaria
  • 34 (tie). Portugal
  • 34 (tie). Slovakia
  • 34 (tie). Slovenia
  • 38. Lithuania
  • 38 (tie). Macedonia
  • 40. Azerbaijan
  • 40 (tie). Kazakhstan
  • 40 (tie). Luxembourg
  • 40 (tie). Montenegro
  • 40 (tie). San Marino
  • 45. Switzerland
  • 46. Vatican City
  • 47. Liechtenstein
  • 48. Czech Republic
  • 49. The Netherlands
  • 50. The United Kingdom
  • 51. Bosnia and Herzegovina

Statistics Saturday: Nations of Oceania Ordered By Length


(This one was complicated by my learning that “Oceania” still looks wrong to me even when I have independent evidence that I’m spelling it right.)

  1. Fiji
  2. Niue
  3. India [ I choose to think my ploy to increase my Indian readership is working. ]
  4. Nauru
  5. Palau
  6. Samoa
  7. Tonga
  8. Tuvalu
  9. Vanuatu
  10. Kiribati
  11. Australia
  12. New Zealand
  13. Cook Islands
  14. Solomon Islands
  15. Marshall Islands
  16. Papua New Guinea
  17. Federated States of Micronesia

Statistics Saturday: Nations of North America Organized By Length


(This ended up more complicated than I figured, because I forgot Caribbean countries would be in the list.)

  1. Cuba
  2. Saba
  3. Aruba
  4. Haiti
  5. India [ Note: Again, not properly a nation of North America, but I’m trying to increase my Indian readership. ]
  6. Belize
  7. Canada
  8. Mexico
  9. Panama
  10. Bermuda
  11. Bonaire
  12. Curaçao
  13. Grenada
  14. Jamaica
  15. Anguilla
  16. Barbados
  17. Dominica
  18. Honduras
  19. Greenland
  20. Guatemala
  21. Nicaragua
  22. Costa Rica
  23. Guadeloupe
  24. Martinique
  25. Montserrat
  26. El Salvador
  27. Puerto Rico
  28. Saint Lucia
  29. The Bahamas
  30. Saint Martin
  31. Sint Maarten
  32. United States
  33. Cayman Islands
  34. Navassa Island
  35. Sint Eustatius
  36. Saint Barthélemy
  37. Clipperton Island
  38. Dominican Republic
  39. Antigua and Barbuda
  40. Trinidad and Tobago
  41. Saint Kitts and Nevis
  42. British Virgin Islands
  43. Turks and Caicos Islands
  44. Saint Pierre and Miquelon
  45. United States Virgin Islands
  46. Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Statistics Saturday: Nations Of South America Organized By Length


  1. Peru
  2. Chile
  3. India [NOTE: not technically a nation of South America, but I’m trying to increase my Indian readership and every little mention helps.]
  4. Brazil
  5. Guyana
  6. Bolivia
  7. Ecuador
  8. Uruguay
  9. Colombia
  10. Paraguay
  11. Suriname
  12. Argentina
  13. Venezuela
  14. French Guiana
  15. Falkland Islands
  16. South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands

Statistics Saturday: Number Of New Jersey Municipalities With “Egg” In Their Name By County


County Number Of Municipalities With “Egg” In Their Name
Atlantic 2 [1]
Bergen 0
Burlington 0
Camden 0
Cape May 0
Cumberland 0
Essex 0
Gloucester 0
Hudson 0
Hunterdon 0
Mercer 0
Middlesex 0
Monmouth 0
Morris 0
Ocean 1 [2]
Passaic 0
Salem 0
Somerset 0
Sussex 0
Union 0
Warren 0

[1] Egg Harbor City, Egg Harbor Township.

[2] Little Egg Harbor Township.

No two “Egg Harbor” municipalities share a border.

Statistics Saturday: The Size of Rhode Island in terms of Football Fields


“Length” is here taken to be longitudinal, east-west, distance; “Width” that to be latitudinal, north-south, distance. “Height” is that normal thing.

The dimensions of Rhode Island as measured by an (American) football field, with the long dimension (120 yards) running east-to-west:

Dimension Football Fields
Length 1772
Width 888
Height 4940

The dimensions of Rhode Island as measured by an (American) football field, with the long dimension (120 yards) running north-to-south:

Dimension Football Fields
Length 788
Width 1999
Height 4940
A map of Rhode Island, with a grid spaced to roughly the proportions of a football field superimposed on it.
Rhode Island (yellow) against a grid of football fields (not to scale).
  1. Yes, I’m including Block Island.
  2. I’m including the end zones.
  3. Football field artificial grass is apparently 5 cm tall, so I’m supposing that to be the standard height of the grass on the field.
  4. Only land points of Rhode Island are being included, thus, the westernmost extent is at Napatree Point.
  5. If there’s any part of Rhode Island that’s below sea level I don’t know it.
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