Distinctive Tiny Scented Soaps You’re Most Afraid To Use
Silverware And Plate That Together Make The Most Undefinably Eerie Scraping Sound
Most Refrigerator With The Crushed-Ice Dispenser You’re Not Allowed To Use
Room That Most Smells of Cedar Despite Having Nothing Cedar In It
Scratchiest Blankets Covering The Most Of The Sofa
Sleekest Television Set Put On Top Of The Widest 1970s Color Television Set That’s Easily Four Feet Front To Back
Land-Line Telephone That Most Has Push-Buttons But In A Circle Like It Was A Dial Phone Somehow
Most Boiled Selection of Off-White Dinner Foods
Room That Least Smells of Cedar Although The Cedar Chest Is In It
Reference: The Rocket Men: Vostok and Voskhod, the First Soviet Manned Spaceflights, Rex Hall and David J Shayler
A note about research methods. Some may accuse this department of focusing entirely on its own experiences and not adequately sampling the full conceptual space of grandmotherly presences. To this we answer no, we called our grandmothers ‘grandma’ and ‘mom-mom’, none of this casual ‘grammy’ stuff for us and so therefore nyah.
Seriously. As best I can tell, in all 259 tales collected there’s one mouse that makes it to the end of the story, and he’s a spiritual manifestation of the King’s dream-state and not a mouse in his own right anyway.
These days pretty much everybody has raw data, as part of their work or their recreation or that horrible new blend, the recre-career in which you do what you want to do for a living, only without earning any money, in the hopes of building enough of a buzz to make a killing on the world molybdenum markets. The trouble is what to do with it. Here’s a recipe from my grandmother that pretty near always worked:
3-5 cups raw data
2 cups flour
1/4 cup milk (skim OK)
2 tbsp murfrews [ we can’t read her handwriting ]
1 tbsp anise
2 tsp tbsps [ we think she was joking here ]
1 tsp shelled morplex [ obviously a copyright trap ]
In salted pan, stir data, milk, anise together. Sift with flour into unsalted pan; dice with morplex until finger poked in belly produces giggles. Add murfrews, mix in morplex again if you forgot any. Bake at 350 or what have you until golden-brown; sprinkle chives on the cat [ She didn’t have a cat; maybe she copied the recipe from somewhere ]. Place on unpanned salt, cover with salted unpan. Correlates 4-6.