My Excuse For Today, Which Is A Different Day


Again I’m sorry, and I should know better, and I think on some level I do kind of know better. But I’m just all upset about this week’s Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz because once again Werner Wejp-Olsen has come up with a minute bit of crime detection that I just can’t buy and this is far more important than everything else on my plate right now, including whether I actually finish a project for work. And at the risk of bringing the productivity of all of you to a screeching, crashing halt, I want you to see the strip and agree with me strongly that this is just daft.

Danger: 'For more than two weeks The Strangler has been terrorizing this area and ... ' Bystander: 'STOP! ... Somebody has been mugged!' Danger: 'The Strangler has struck again!' Female victim: 'H-He tried to strangle me from behind with a belt --- my purse is gone!' Bystander: 'Outrageous, that's what it is!' Danger: 'Relax, buddy, this Strangler is behind bars before sunset!' Bystander: 'Ha! That remains to be seen!' (Back in the car.) Danger: 'She didn't mange to get a look at The Strangler. Let's circle around, Alfie, so ...' Male Victim: 'OH-oh!' Danger: 'The Strangler has struck again with a few minutes!' Male Victim: 'My money!' Bystander: 'Ha! The police have failed again!' Danger: 'I promised that The Strangler would be behind bars before sunset.' (Points snub-nosed revolver at Bystander.) 'I always keep my promises! Mr Strangler --- you're under arrest!' ANSWER: Using his belt to strangle his victims the different positions of the buckle [ it's been reversed ] before and after the second mugging gave The Strangler away.
Werner Wejp-Olsen’s Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz for the 12th of February, 2018. Watch, in five months Wejp-Olsen’s going to rerun this strip, only it’s going to turn out the guy is innocent because the second appearance is by the guy’s identical-except-for-being-lefthanded twin, trying to frame him, and somehow being lefthanded makes you put belts on the wrong way around. Which I’ve never noticed someone doing, but would be willing to accept as a thing that a human being might possibly do under some circumstance, unlike this.

And I’m sorry, no, I will not accept that somebody just happens to put his belt on the wrong way. No. That is not how belts work. I may have many legitimate questions about how belts can work, but this is not one that is in dispute. OK, they’re not legitimate questions I have; they’re more one little bit of nonsense that you could confuse a child with but not someone who’s looked at his or her pants.

(OK, here. Friction can’t make something cling vertically. But if someone’s standing up, their pants are clinging vertically to their body. And I majored in physics as an undergraduate and nobody addressed this nonsense contradiction, which is at least as big as the how-can-bumblebees-fly nonsense.)

In short, I do not see how anyone can be expected to get anything done when the comics are sharing lies about pants.

In Which I Am Once Again Angry At Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz


Look, I understand the conventions of the quick little crime-detection puzzle. It’s not like anyone should expect the deductive process of Slylock Fox knowing that it’s possible to drive a car with a flat tire if you’ve put the spare on to secure a conviction. Heck, there’s cases Columbo nailed that I’m pretty sure the District Attorney had to decline because they just wouldn’t hold up in court. But now, here, this week’s Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz? I’m offended by the logic and I’m annoyed enough I’m ready to go over to Comic Strip Master Command and demand they tell me if they’ve ever had a typed-out deathbed fingering of the murderer because I’m just that annoyed and no I am not reacting inappropriate to this and if you say I am come closer where I can tell you how I’d spit at you if I could stand spitting. Also why do people who murder typewriter-owners never rip the last sheet of paper out? Come on, show some professionalism.

Archie: 'Conan O'Hoyle, the famous mystery writer, murdered in the middle of the night.' Inspector Danger: 'Look! I think he managed to type the name of his killer.' (Typed out: TOM.) Housemaid: 'I'm the housemaid. When I got here this morning I turned on the light in Mr O'Hoyle's studio and was met by this terrible sight.' Danger: 'We have seven suspects.' Tom Orson Munford, Cousin. Ted Ogden Maxwell, Brother. Thea Olivia Munroe, Sister. Terry Olmo Mason, Brother-In-Law. Bruce Buster Benson, Nephew. Tiffany Oakley Milller, Ex-wife. Ringo Anton Harrison, Nephew. Archie: 'Too many with the same initials! We'll never solve this case, sir.' Danger: 'Wait, let me take another look at this keyboard - AHA! I GOT IT! What about you, my dear mystery-buffs?' THE ANSWER: In the dark, Conan O'Hoyle hit the keys to the left and typed T-O-M instead of R-I-N. Being murdered by a family member, he'd never write their full name, only their first name. Now Ringo Anton Harrison is number 76749 in the state penitentiary for the next many, many years.
Werner Wejp-Olsen’s Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz for the 11th of December, 2017. I do not protest that all these relatives of Conan O’Hoyle do not share the last name O’Hoyle. I’ll allow for pen names. I also don’t protest that no two of these relatives have the same last name. There are enough varied relationships that the family names could vary. However, “Tiffany Oakley Milller[sic]”? Excuse me? And yeah, I know it looks like a continuity error but I think we’re supposed to take it that the laptop in the last row is at Inspector Danger’s Crime Office instead of at Conan O’Hoyle’s writing desk.

In Which I Ponder The Thinking Of Criminals In Inspector Danger’s Crime World


This has been nagging at me since last Monday. It’s the Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz. It’s sort of a Slylock Fox for people who like a touch more narrative. Also to have the crime be murder a lot. Also for the victims to often be dot-com millionaires or academics. (The latter makes me feel a bit personally targeted, but the academics always give a hint who murdered them by, like, typing out the number of letters in their killer’s name or something like that. So they probably were terrible to their grad students, if any, and deserved it.) In last Monday’s installment cartoonist Werner Wejp-Olsen put Inspector Danger through one of his routine methods of criminal-catching: going somewhere, leaving, returning, and noticing something. It’s an old gimmick but it works surprisingly well. And here’s what he saw.

Inspector Danger: 'Bud Norton has been on the run for two weeks - let's check out his hideout in the city.' He knocks on the door. '- Or his place in the countryside.' The countryside. 'No smoke from the chimney. But he have to make sure he's not hiding in this dump. Withered flowers! Apparently nobody has been living here for weeks. Maybe we should give his city place another shot.' Assistant Alfie: 'Are you sure, sir? You know how hard it is to find a parking space.' Danger, back at the city place. 'Here we go again.' Knocking to no answer. 'Not a peep - maybe this is just another wild goose chase? OK, let's call it a day. WAIT!' (The new front door mat indicates that the place is inhabited. Bud Norton is now back in the slammer.)
Werner Wejp-Olsen’s Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz for the 6th of November, 2017. And hey, good contribution to the investigation with your observation about parking spaces there, Alfie. Really shows why Inspector Danger needs you to work at his best. Sometimes he gets to be relevant to the story. It’s just Danger gets on these rolls with his checking-out-two-hideouts business and there’s not even any point talking to him.

I admit I am not a person who takes great care with domestic niceties. Yes, once, when I lived in an apartment I did have a doormat. And I did even take it once, when I had to move from that building to another owned by the same company just because the first building was collapsing and probably dangerously unstable and the floor tilted, probably, only about five degrees downhill, even if the size of the living room made it feel like it was eight or nine degrees. But I only took the doormat because the new apartment didn’t have one, and then I left it in the trunk of my car because lazy, until my sister ended up owning the car and I think she lost it when the car was in an accident that left it too damaged to bother repairing.

What I’m saying is, were I a fugitive, I’m not sure I would bother replacing my apartment-door doormats even if they were in terrible shape. And this one doesn’t even look that bad. But I’m not sure I’d have bouquets of flowers either, not without someone to nudge me into action. In which case I’d expect that someone to replace the flowers in a timely fashion because goodness knows I’d never notice.

And yet I appreciate that in Inspector Danger’s world, criminals on the run worry about whether their doormats are nice enough. And replace them in the hours after the detectives have been around. It suggests a world of depravity on the level of the Adam West Batman, where the greatest expressions of human depredation are, like, a squat fellow who quacks a lot and has many specialized umbrellas, and all their worst crimes are stuff like stealing an unusually large violin. Don’t you wish that was as bad as humans got?

Inspector Danger’s Realized He’s The Only One Who Could Catch Himself, Right?


I want to point out Werner Wejp-Olsen’s comic Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz. It’s a nice little reasoning-puzzle feature for people who like Slylock Fox but are scared of Count Weirdly. This was Tuesday’s feature. Sidekick Alfie was sent on a bridge capable of supporting exactly 4,000 pounds of live weight and not a bit more, in a car with prisoner and cargo weighing exactly 4,000 pounds and not a bit more.

Inspector Danger lays out the situation: Alfie is driving a prisoner along a two-mile bridge that can support exactly 4,000 pounds without collapsing. The car, Alfie, the prisoner, and a bottle of coke on it weigh exactly 4,000 pounds. After a mile a bird lands on the car, but the bridge doens't collapse. WHY NOT? Offered answer: the bird weighs less than the gas that's been consumed the first mile of travel.
Werner Wejp-Olsen’s comic Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz for the 2nd of February, 2016. No, the soda being drunk has nothing to do with the solution and you’re silly for suggesting it.

Inspector Danger is just counting on, like, a second car or a seagull or a leaf getting somewhere on the two-mile span and sending Sidekick Alfie to a watery doom, right? I’m not reading this wrong? I grant Alfie is no Max Mouse in terms of general usefulness or tendency not to be threatened with being eaten by a snake, but still. He wears a yellow trenchcoat, he deserves at least some respect for that.

Anyway, less murderous but more mathematically-themed comic strips are over at my humor blog. Please give those a try, won’t you?