And now to wrap up this vintage Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfic, based on Doug Atkinson’s own Legion of Superheroes fanfics, “Dreams of a Lost Past” and “Loss”. The incomplete “Dreams of a Lost Past” was riffed in the first part of this series. It was starting from the second part that “Loss” began. It’s set after Supergirl died, part of the Crisis on Infinite Earths. Brainiac-5, super-intelligent but kinda dumb 30th century super-teen, has a plan he very much needs to be talked out of.
In the credit blurb at the end I mention having taken one sketch from another MiSTing I was procrastinating. I no longer remember what MiSTing that was, but imagine a time when I might have two whole projects under way at once. Seems impossible, doesn’t it?
And now, the conclusion. I don’t know what I’ll do next week, but I am leaning toward sharing another forgotten MiSTing.
> right, who says it’ll even work? Lightning Lad
JOEL: A daring hero from the world of typing exercises.
> wasn’t really
> dead when Proty used his life-force to revive him. I bet
> Mon-El wasn’t really dead when Eltro Gand
CROW: [ Giggles ]
> used this Exchanger
> to do the same thing. It probably just has some sort of
> mysterious healing powers that bring people back from comas,
JOEL: Maybe even semicomas and the occasional parenthetical expression.
> and Supergirl isn’t just in a coma. She’s *dead*, and people
> don’t come back from that. You wouldn’t want to die for
CROW: Not that you’d be in a position to complain about it.
> "I never had a good chance to examine Garth, because he
> was quickly shoved in that glass coffin and put on display.
JOEL: It was cool.
> I suspect he was really dead, though, because how many people
> in comas survive for weeks without food or water?"
TOM: Uhm…nine. No, thirteen.
> shrugged. "And Superboy will tell you that Mon-El was dead,
> too. Lead poisoning kills Daxamites quickly,
JOEL: And Mon-El was a professional Daxamatician.
> and there was
> no breathing and no pulse. ‘Life-force’ isn’t something that
> can be isolated in a laboratory,
CROW: Unless it gets naughty and has to be grounded.
> but mystics like the White
> Witch will tell you that it exists. Although I reject terms
> like ‘soul’ that they would use,
JOEL: I also reject the term "pH balanced," so what do I know?
> the evidence requires me to
> agree with them."
TOM: That is to say, I reject the notion of a soul, but accept wholeheartedly the evidence for it and the consequences of that idea.
> "Not buying the arguments, I see. How about this? The
> Legion Constitution forbids killing.
CROW: Except for the badnasty jumpjumps.
> If you used this
> machine, you’d be killing yourself. That means you’d be
> kicked out of the Legion, and you don’t want that, do you?"
TOM: You’d miss out on Meat Loaf Mondays.
> "That is the most illogical–" Brainy caught himself,
> and smiled slightly. "You’re joking, of course."
JOEL: I have heard of these jokes; perhaps we might witness one someday.
> "A smile…there’s hope for you. Look, are you still
> going to do this?"
CROW: I don’t know; I have to wait for the zoning commission to meet.
> Brainy sighed. "Weighing the benefits and costs, I’m
> still forced to conclude that I’m willing to sacrifice
> everything for her."
CROW: Except my "McVote ’86" commemorative glasses celebrating the McD.L.T.
> "Wow…that’s selfless, since you wouldn’t be around to
> reap the benefits.
TOM: Unless she goes back in time to before when he’s dead and fulfills the relationship they didn’t have because she didn’t know she’d be dead later on.
> I think I love Tinya that much, but I
> don’t know if I’d be able to follow through. Think, though.
JOEL: Hong Kong Phooey and the cartoon Pac-Man had exactly the same voice. Doesn’t it make you wonder about the universe?
> You don’t think it was right for Supergirl to die, even
> though it slowed the Anti-Monitor and possibly saved the
> lives of billions?"
> "No, of course not."
CROW: How about if she slowed the Anti-Monitor, saved the lives of billions, and got you what’s behind door number three?
TOM: Mmm…I’m thinking.
> "So it would be even less just if she died for just one
> life…even if it was yours."
> "No. She’s too important to the universe, and to me."
CROW: Slowed the Anti-Monitor, saved the billions, door number three, *and* five hundred dollars.
TOM: Uhm…no, not this time.
> "Then why do you think she would want you to reverse
> your positions? You may think you’re below her, but I know
> she didn’t.
CROW: All of the above, with *seven* hundred dollars.
TOM: Maybe…no, not gonna take it.
> Was she that selfish, to put herself on the same
> pedestal you put her on?"
> Brainy was caught flat-footed. "I–" He paused. "I never
> saw it like that. You have a point."
CROW: Last offer, slow the Anti-Monitor, save billions, door number three, one *thousand* dollars and what’s behind the box!
TOM: I’ll take it! I’ll take it!
> "Damn right I do. Look, Brainy, all the Legionnaires
> are willing to put our lives on the line for others,
JOEL: Except Ray. He is not working out.
> and she
> was no exception. But it shouldn’t be robbed of its meaning,
TOM: Because heroism is negated by living afterwards.
> should it? All the dead Legionnaires gave their lives saving
> others. Ferro Lad…Invisible Kid…Chemical King…Karate
CROW: Actually, Ferro Lad just died of embarassment.
> just recently, and now Supergirl. Even Garth and
> Luornu’s third body were willing to give up their lives if it
> meant protecting others.
TOM: Even if those others were the cast of "Jesse."
> "That doesn’t mean that what you’re trying isn’t noble,
> of course.
JOEL: Just that it’s loopy.
> It’s just that those other deaths had some
> meaning, while you’d just be throwing your life away for
> someone who knew the risks she was taking.
CROW: So, if you become a superhero, you have to stop fighting the inevitability of your own death.
> All of us liked
> Supergirl, but we like you too, believe it or not. It’s not
> just a matter of weighing costs to the world–we’d miss you,
> and you’d be hurting a lot of people.
JOEL: ‘Course, that’s kind of balanced out by the people who won’t be accidentally killed by some goofy new invention of yours.
> Kara wouldn’t have
> wanted that, and I don’t think she’d want a second chance
> with a cost like that attached."
TOM: Maybe they could just keep the Exchanger and swap life-forces every week?
> Querl was silent. He reached out to the corpse and
> stroked its hair while contemplating.
JOEL: Ew, is this danduff shampoo? What the heck is this? Are people supposed to seep there?
> Finally he said, "My
> twelfth-level brain can’t compute emotional equations. I
> think you’ve convinced me, though.
TOM: But we’ll have to wait for my subcommittees to vote on it before I can go ahead with a new plan of action.
> As long as I have the
> body here, there’s one thing we can do, though."
CROW: Get the funny hat.
> * * * * *
> A group of Legionnaires stood on Shanghalla, the
> asteroid where the galaxy’s greatest heroes are buried.
JOEL: Those buried preposthumously were most upset about it.
> the active Legionnaires who’d known Supergirl were here,
> while those who hadn’t–all the new members except Polar Boy
> and, surprisingly, Sensor Girl–remained to guard Earth.
CROW: Ooh, that Sensor Girl…one surprise after another.
> others were gathered in the shadow of the Ferro Lad memorial
> to pay their final respects.
TOM: [ Whispering ] Psst! Did you bring the poem magnets?
> Brainiac 5 stood before the hole Element Lad’s powers
> had created. "The Twentieth Century has already paid its
> respects to one of its greatest heroes,
CROW: Back around the first couple times that Superman died.
> but I doubt they
> would deny us the chance for our own personal observance,"
JOEL: Even one made possible by grave robbing and borderline necrophilia.
> said, his eyes on the black coffin embossed with the "S"
TOM: Ahem. Chuckles loved to laugh…tears were abhorrent to him…
> "All of us knew Supergirl, and fought alongside her.
JOEL: Except for *you*, Ray.
> We were her friends–some of us were more.
TOM: Some of us were androids she constructed in her sleep, too.
> "I am very poor at emotional speeches, as some of you
> know." Jo caught his eye briefly and smiled encouragingly.
JOEL: [ As Jo ] You’re doing a great job saying stuff that couldn’t be said at every other eulogy ever delivered.
> "It’s difficult to put Supergirl’s value to the universe into
CROW: Watch me try. "Slookelty bopplenerf weantroolub blix." See how difficult it is?
> Moreover, I know each of you have your own special
> memories of her. I would suggest we pause a moment and
> remember Kara."
TOM: HmmmmmmmMMMMMM…There! I’m done. What did you get?
> The group was silent for a minute. Some Legionnaires
> smiled as they remembered her; some cried softly; a few were
> incapable of showing their emotions on their faces.
JOEL: Some of the Legionnaires didn’t even exist.
> 5 was stoic throughout.
> He broke into the reverie by putting his hand on the
> coffin. "Farewell, Kara. We will never forget you."
TOM: [ Stage whisper ] Who’s Kara?
CROW: [ As above ] I think we’re in the wrong room.
> turned to the pallbearers and said, "You may commence."
> As Mon-El and Timber Wolf lowered the coffin into the
> ground, Element Lad prepared to fill in the grave again.
JOEL: Real friends show love by synthesizing manganese.
> Blok placed a block of marble at the head of the grave, and
> rumbled, "Wait until I am out of the way before you begin
> carving, Wildfire."
> "Hey, I’m always careful," said the energy man.
CROW: [ As Wildfire ] So — white or dark meat?
> raised an arm of his containment suit and, with a tightly
> controlled beam of energy,
TOM: Is that the blue hand-ray or the red hand-ray?
JOEL: It’s the green hand-ray.
> carved words into the surface of
> the stone:
> Here Lies
> Kara Zor-El
> Linda Lee Danvers
TOM: Caroline Rhea.
JOEL: Angela "Scoop" Quickly.
CROW: Wheelie *and* the Chopper Bunch.
> Legionnaire and Friend
> When the burial was complete, the group split up.
JOEL: So, uh, wanna hit Big Stosh’s?
CROW: Knockwurst bar open?
JOEL: You bet.
> and Tinya approached Brainy, who was still standing by the
> "Great speech, man," Jo said, laying his hand on
> Brainy’s shoulder. Tinya gently put her hand on his arm.
CROW: It’s a slow-motion tackle.
> "Opening up like that was the bravest thing I’ve seen you do,
JOEL: He opened up?
TOM: Yeah, didn’t you notice his eye twitching?
> I’m glad to see you’re coming to terms with this."
> "Indeed." He raised his eyes from the grave to the
> stars. "I was able to fight my obsessive tendencies for once,
TOM: And nobody new got killed by them.
> which is probably just as well. Who knows what might have
> gone wrong with the Exchanger?
CROW: He could have ended up with the body of a chicken and the mind of a Power Puff Girl.
> "We should make haste. There won’t be room on the
> Legion cruisers if we stay here to long."
JOEL: Rush hour is horrible around these desolate cemetary asteroids.
> They hurried
> towards the spaceship, leaving the asteroid’s memorials to
> departed heroes behind them.
CROW: They tried taking the memorials with them but realized that was dumb.
> [Credit where credit is due dep’t:
TOM: Ooh, it’s the introduction to a Mad Magazine article.
CROW: I love these.
> Superman’s speech is
> quoted from CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS #7,
JOEL: Except on Earth Two, where it was Crisis On Infinite Earths #9.
> and was written by
> Marv Wolfman. The Exchanger was created by Jim Shooter,
CROW: Yeah — on a dare.
> based on a concept by Jerry Siegel. The initial inspiration
> for this story came from LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES (third
> series) #16,
TOM: Or maybe sixteenth series, number three…it’s hard to keep track.
> written by Paul Levitz.]
JOEL: You’ll love it, Paul Levitz!
CROW: And that’s a wrap.
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ SOL DESK. JOEL is standing, a little embarassed, in a Superman-style costume with a cursive ‘J’ at the center. He looks around, puts his arms out and starts a tiny hop. CROW and TOM enter from the right. ]
JOEL: [ Noticing them, slapping his arms to his side ] Aaugh!
JOEL: No, no, citizen. I do not know this "Joel" of whom you speak.
TOM: Joel, you’re just embarassing yourself now.
JOEL: I am not Joel! I am a friendly but powerful being from another star, here to help save you from your imminent peril.
CROW: That’s nice, honey, but we’re not in any imminent peril.
TOM: The story’s already done, remember? And you’re going to embarass *us* if you keep that up.
JOEL: [ Crestfallen ] Aw, c’mon, guys. Do you have to be so cynical?
CROW: I’m not saying it’s a bad look for you, you understand.
JOEL: Why not be silly? What’s it going to hurt? What kind of a world do we live in if whimsy, if silliness, if daydreams are rudely and immediately squashed flat? Is a world without levity worth getting out of bed for?
TOM: We’re not calling for the death of the imaginative spirit, we’re just asking that it show some dignity.
CROW: Can I be your sidekick?
JOEL: Of course, Crow. We’ll pick out a sensible yet identity-concealing costume for you right after we’re done with this. [ JOEL pats CROW on the head. ]
TOM: Crow! You’re betraying your trust as a keeper of public decorum and sensible frivolity!
CROW: Yeah, but it’s fun.
TOM: But…but I…I…
JOEL: Aw, c’mon, Tom. Join the legion.
TOM: [ Sobbing, and leaning into JOEL ] I will, I will.
JOEL: [ Hugging and patting TOM ] That’s a good robot. [ Looking to the camera ] What do you think, sirs?
[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is studying TV’S FRANK’s snow brain. ]
FRANK: I’m so…woozy…
DR. F: Ah, yes, I think I see the problem… [ Noticing JOEL ] Ah, yes, Joel, a fine costume. I’ll be sure to whip up a hearty Kryptonite cheesecake to help you celebrate.
[ DR. FORRESTER takes out a container of fish food, pops open the top of FRANK’s snow brain, and sprinkles some food in. ]
FRANK: [ Sighs happily ]
DR. F: Until next time, Silverhawks…push the button, Frank.
FRANK: Can I do it with my mind?
DR. F: Oh, if you insist.
[ FRANK leans over, hitting his head on the desk. ]
\ | / \ | / \|/ ---o--- /|\ / | \ / | \
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and Copyright to Best Brains, Inc. The Legion of Superheroes is Copyright DC Comics, a subsidiary of Time Warner, a corporation so vast and powerful if it wanted it could have all traces of my existence wiped out.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment only; no infringement on or challenge to the copyrights and trademarks held by Best Brains or DC Comics is intended or should be inferred. The stories "Dreams of a Lost Past" and "Loss" are by Doug Atkinson and are used with permission. Whatever original material is in this MST3K fanfic is the creation of Joseph Nebus. This MiSTing is meant solely for personal entertainment and is not intended to be an insult to the creators or fans of the Legion of Superheros, Mystery Scence Theater 3000, the Game Show Network, or the Silverhawks. Discontinue use if rash persists.
The midshow sketch started out as the introductory piece, and only moved when I had no ideas for the midshow sketch, and could steal an introduction from another MiSTing I’m procrastinating. Sorry if it seems weird.
> Brainiac 5 looked at Jo with undisguised hostility. "I’m
> working on a private project, Ultra Boy. Leave me alone."