It’s now the fourth part, which is somehow the third chapter, of “Skippy’s Mom”, a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfiction that I published first sometime in the late 90s. The entire the series should be collected at this link. Let me know if they end up not being.
Slappy Squirrel took Skippy to the fabulous Hall of Records, only to learn there’s no trace of who Skippy’s mother is or where she’s gone. They now go to the hospital to learn what an INK test might reveal about the cute young squirrel.
“I’m going to write in ‘Beethoven”’ is surely a Peanuts riff, but I think not to any specific strip. The references to Orgeon and Gabe Kaplan are, I think, from Bloom County strips when Berkeley Breathed needed to fill out a magazine cover joke. You can see where the inspiration from ripping off better comic writers wore off there. “Ask Beth” was a syndicated advice column in the 90s that somehow managed to be less square than Dear Abby or Dear Ann Landers. The My Little Pony referenced here would have been … uh … three? … cartoon shows back of the current one.
There’s no riffs I need to apologize for, but that one about “no, that’s what happens in a cartoon” is more mean than I would write today.
> Chapter 2 – INK
> Skippy sat nervously in the waiting room, Slappy beside him
> equally as nervous.
CROW: I got edgy just reading that sentence.
> A George Clooney clone
TOM: Clooney cloney Clooney cloney Clooney cloney.
[ JOEL puts his arm on TOM’s shoulder. ]
> walked by causing both of them to stare as he
CROW: Both of them?
> "Skippy Squirel to room 1, Skippy Squirel to room 1."
TOM: B-14. B-14.
JOEL: Captain Picard to the bridge. Captain Picard to the bridge.
CROW: Service manager to register three, please. Service manager to register three, please.
> The voice came
> over the intercom.
TOM: The face came over the jukebox.
> "No matter what happens inside…" Slappy started speaking very softly.
> "You still be there for me…" Skippy finished.
JOEL: In that Ambrose Bierce way she has.
> The doctor looked very stern as Skippy entered the room, it was pretty
> much a normal ‘toon doctor’s office.
CROW: So we’re not going to waste time with setting.
> If you can call a ‘toon’s doctor
> office normal…
JOEL: If you give a mouse a cookie.
> "Look Skippy, I’ll be honest with you, these results are A) Not good and
> B) very strange."
TOM: Uh… I’ll take A.
CROW: B! I want B!
TOM: B! Maybe!
CROW: I’ll take ‘True’!
JOEL: I’m going to write in ‘Beethoven.’
> The doctor said with great precision.
> "Oh, there’s nothing wrong with me…"
CROW: Eh… nothing an apprenticeship to Rocky the Flying Squirrel couldn’t cure.
> Skippy started, "I’m just here for
> an INK sample.."
> "Yes, I know that, but unfortunatly the tests revealed something we did
> not expect,
CROW: So there’s no point in taking the sample first.
> if you would not mind waiting outside Skipy, I’d like to have
> a word with your Aunt…"
TOM: Specifically, the word ‘anisotropic.’
> Skippy looked up at his aunt with _that_ pleading looking in his eye.
> "Sorry, kid. If the doctor says wait outside,
CROW: You go into the wacky routine where you keep showing up in his coat pockets and his cabinets and his sink and his car until he gives up and tells you the cool stuff?
TOM: No; that’s what happens in a cartoon.
> you wait outside…" Slappy
> finished quickly looking away from Skippy.
> Skippy jumped down off the chair and left the doctor’s office closing the
> door behind him.
CROW: Nice of the doctor’s office to close the door for him.
> He pressed his ear hard against the door but it was sound proofed and he
> could not here anything. So he sat outside
TOM: And found somebody’d stolen the fire escape. Whoops!
> and waited reading one of the
> terrible magazines that are indigionus to doctor’s offices everywhere.
JOEL: National Geographic report on "Oregon: Idaho’s tricky pal."
CROW: People magazine tells us about the wild life of Gabe Kaplan.
TOM: Popular Mechanics shows us the future of Popular Mechanics covers.
> After reading every magazine several times the doctor’s office finally
JOEL: [ As Doctor ] Are you still here?
> Slappy stepped outsidem something was really wrong as even her flower was
> drooping more then normal.
TOM: Somebody forget to water the squirrel this morning.
> She took Skippy by the hand and lead him in without saying a word.
CROW: I’ve seen better bedside manners from tests of the Emergency Alert System.
> "Skippy, I’ve had a long chat with your ahem, aunt here."
JOEL: And your aardvark over there.
> The doctor
> stared, he said aunt with a tone of disgust.
> "Yes I had noticed…" Skippy retorted.
> The doctor continued unpreturbed by Skippy’s remark. "and well you’ve
> probably already guessed
TOM: What would happen if you sneezed and hiccoughed at the same time.
> that something must be pretty wrong.." The
> doctor continued.
> "Oh boy here it comes…" Skippy whispered.
JOEL: You’re scheduled to guest star in a Due South/Babylon 5/My Little Pony crossover fanfic.
> "The fact is that your INK is not that of a toon squirrel."
> Skippy looked at the doctor in disbelif.
CROW: Yes, I’m afraid your ink is actually distilled "Ask Beth" columns.
> "Come again!" He said shocked.
> "You are not a squirrel, your INK is more that of a toon cat…"
JOEL: Toon cat! The most incredible leader of the pack!
TOM: INK! Get it?!
> doctor concluded.
> "Get real!" Skippy managed to joke.
> "I am quite serious, we checked the results three times, each time they
> came up the same…"
TOM: Your original character design involved bellbottom pants.
> Was the last thing Skippy heard before he
[ To continue … ]