Future, Proofed


My student loan got sold to some new company recently. So I set up automatic payments for it. So I’ve had to call my new student loan people to yell at them about screwing up my student loan payments a couple times this past week. Thing is each time I call their recorded spiel tells me “Important tax information for … 2017 … is available now through our web site”.

It’s that pause that’s got me. They recorded someone saying “Important tax information for … is available now through our web site” and then left a gap so the appropriate year could be badly sliced in. How many years did they get the guy to record for? Why didn’t they just record him saying the full sentence for each of those years? I understand their wanting to make a scheme as flexible as possible. But, like, how long would it have added to the original recording session to do the full sentence out through, like, 2040?

Do they really think they’re going to still exist that far in the future, when every corporation has been merged into a real-estate holding company with no actual assets and the only people making telephone calls are actors in historical re-enactments? And why would they care about my student loans? Do you think you’re distracting me from the projection it’s going to be seven minutes before I talk to a person? Do you — excuse me, have to go unproductively yell at someone who isn’t at fault because I can’t yell at the web site productively either. The system is stupid, but what else is there to do with it?

Lurking Suspicions


“Glad to hear your voice,” said the person on the phone.

“Ah … thanks?” This was starting out weirdly for mysteriously-begun phone conversations.

“Compared to the people who’ve got less suspicious motives than yours.”

“I’ve got suspicious motives?”

“Well,” the voice said, “you might. It’s possible. They happen.”

I said, “There are people with less suspicious motives?”

“Uh … sure. I think. What are you talking about?”

“I’m confused about that too.”

And the voice said, “Why is it important you figure this out now? What are you trying to get to?”

That’s a pretty good question, so I left it at that.