In Which I Ponder The Thinking Of Criminals In Inspector Danger’s Crime World

This has been nagging at me since last Monday. It’s the Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz. It’s sort of a Slylock Fox for people who like a touch more narrative. Also to have the crime be murder a lot. Also for the victims to often be dot-com millionaires or academics. (The latter makes me feel a bit personally targeted, but the academics always give a hint who murdered them by, like, typing out the number of letters in their killer’s name or something like that. So they probably were terrible to their grad students, if any, and deserved it.) In last Monday’s installment cartoonist Werner Wejp-Olsen put Inspector Danger through one of his routine methods of criminal-catching: going somewhere, leaving, returning, and noticing something. It’s an old gimmick but it works surprisingly well. And here’s what he saw.

Inspector Danger: 'Bud Norton has been on the run for two weeks - let's check out his hideout in the city.' He knocks on the door. '- Or his place in the countryside.' The countryside. 'No smoke from the chimney. But he have to make sure he's not hiding in this dump. Withered flowers! Apparently nobody has been living here for weeks. Maybe we should give his city place another shot.' Assistant Alfie: 'Are you sure, sir? You know how hard it is to find a parking space.' Danger, back at the city place. 'Here we go again.' Knocking to no answer. 'Not a peep - maybe this is just another wild goose chase? OK, let's call it a day. WAIT!' (The new front door mat indicates that the place is inhabited. Bud Norton is now back in the slammer.)
Werner Wejp-Olsen’s Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz for the 6th of November, 2017. And hey, good contribution to the investigation with your observation about parking spaces there, Alfie. Really shows why Inspector Danger needs you to work at his best. Sometimes he gets to be relevant to the story. It’s just Danger gets on these rolls with his checking-out-two-hideouts business and there’s not even any point talking to him.

I admit I am not a person who takes great care with domestic niceties. Yes, once, when I lived in an apartment I did have a doormat. And I did even take it once, when I had to move from that building to another owned by the same company just because the first building was collapsing and probably dangerously unstable and the floor tilted, probably, only about five degrees downhill, even if the size of the living room made it feel like it was eight or nine degrees. But I only took the doormat because the new apartment didn’t have one, and then I left it in the trunk of my car because lazy, until my sister ended up owning the car and I think she lost it when the car was in an accident that left it too damaged to bother repairing.

What I’m saying is, were I a fugitive, I’m not sure I would bother replacing my apartment-door doormats even if they were in terrible shape. And this one doesn’t even look that bad. But I’m not sure I’d have bouquets of flowers either, not without someone to nudge me into action. In which case I’d expect that someone to replace the flowers in a timely fashion because goodness knows I’d never notice.

And yet I appreciate that in Inspector Danger’s world, criminals on the run worry about whether their doormats are nice enough. And replace them in the hours after the detectives have been around. It suggests a world of depravity on the level of the Adam West Batman, where the greatest expressions of human depredation are, like, a squat fellow who quacks a lot and has many specialized umbrellas, and all their worst crimes are stuff like stealing an unusually large violin. Don’t you wish that was as bad as humans got?


In Which I Wonder About Slylock Fox and Count Weirdly

So Count Weirdly has created a handheld ray beam to alter the genetic code of creatures. Only it has terrible aim. That’s all right. I understand Count Weirdly’s thing is that he doesn’t really have to have a purpose to all this stuff he’s doing. He’s just in it for the kicks.

Count Weirdly's morph gun shoots a beam of genetic code that instantly alteres the anatomy of the living target. Fortunately for Slylock Fox and Max Mouse, Weirdly has lousy aim. What did Slylock see that shows what anatomical change the count had intended to inflict? (A spider's got antennas.)
Detail of Bob Weber Jr’s Slylock Fox for the 17th of April, 2016. The narrator seems sure that Count Weirdly has lousy aim, but isn’t it possible the spider thing was his plan all along? “Ha ha ha, I shall add antennas to the heads of spiders all over the world and none of you can stop me!” I guess the narrator knows his business but it seems like the deliberate spider thing is at least as plausible a plan as some of Count Weirdly’s schemes, considering how he poorly applies things like his holodeck and his timeship. Not included: the six-differences panel in which a poor raccoon has his dinner, an even poorer fish, stolen by a not-poor-at-all bird, while being watched by a mouse, a frog, and a bunny whose states can’t be determined from the action depicted.

So he’s made a gadget that gives you antennas. I don’t want to tell Slylock his business, but let’s think things out here. Of all the insect body parts, the antennas are about the only ones that aren’t creepy or horrible or possessed of a name like “mandible” that I don’t even want to know what it does. OK, an insect antenna can be long enough to be unsettling, but the ones on the spider there aren’t nearly it. So hey, free insect antennas! Why is Slylock dodging this? OK, antennas would make his hat more complicated. And I agree his hat is an important part of his style. But isn’t having to work out a modified hat policy a reasonable price to pay?

Inspector Danger’s Realized He’s The Only One Who Could Catch Himself, Right?

I want to point out Werner Wejp-Olsen’s comic Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz. It’s a nice little reasoning-puzzle feature for people who like Slylock Fox but are scared of Count Weirdly. This was Tuesday’s feature. Sidekick Alfie was sent on a bridge capable of supporting exactly 4,000 pounds of live weight and not a bit more, in a car with prisoner and cargo weighing exactly 4,000 pounds and not a bit more.

Inspector Danger lays out the situation: Alfie is driving a prisoner along a two-mile bridge that can support exactly 4,000 pounds without collapsing. The car, Alfie, the prisoner, and a bottle of coke on it weigh exactly 4,000 pounds. After a mile a bird lands on the car, but the bridge doens't collapse. WHY NOT? Offered answer: the bird weighs less than the gas that's been consumed the first mile of travel.
Werner Wejp-Olsen’s comic Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz for the 2nd of February, 2016. No, the soda being drunk has nothing to do with the solution and you’re silly for suggesting it.

Inspector Danger is just counting on, like, a second car or a seagull or a leaf getting somewhere on the two-mile span and sending Sidekick Alfie to a watery doom, right? I’m not reading this wrong? I grant Alfie is no Max Mouse in terms of general usefulness or tendency not to be threatened with being eaten by a snake, but still. He wears a yellow trenchcoat, he deserves at least some respect for that.

Anyway, less murderous but more mathematically-themed comic strips are over at my humor blog. Please give those a try, won’t you?