Theme, Parked


I don’t want to brag, but I believe I’m one of the top-notch people for being vaguely dissatisfied with every WordPress theme there is. I can pull up the samples and look over the different ways they have of presenting articles and blog names and all that and almost right away see something that I’d do at least a little bit differently, like, maybe use a color, or perhaps have some recognition for there being a “cite” tag instead of just rendering it as plain text or maybe good grief, you break anything in a “cite” tag to its own separate line of right-aligned text? What kind of mad man designed this? sorry, something or other came up.

The glory of this is it means anytime I want I can scroll through the WordPress themes and find myself dissatisfied with the world at large, which keeps me from writing cranky letters to the editor about the state of things in general. Instead I can try looking up how to make my own WordPress theme, and discover that through the use of a few simple APIs and some basic knowledge of style sheets, it’s impossible to make my own WordPress theme and I should go lie down until the feeling passes. I’m getting better at that, too. When I first started it could take upwards of a half-hour before I decided I couldn’t possibly make my own theme. Now, I can go from dissatisfaction with every theme in the world, to learning how to make my own, to lying down letting the feeling pass in under ten minutes, and I have optimistic thoughts about breaking the eight-minute barrier.

A Standard Scheme


The easiest way to attract endless angry grumbling is to prepare your very own set of Usage Guidelines and insist on someone else following them. The United States is the world’s greatest exporter of Usage Guidelines, averaging over 48,660,000 new policies promulgated annually to cover everything from how many spaces to put after the period ending sentences to how many little paper cups of Horsey Sauce to take at Arby’s at one time. These policies are instantly resented by everyone they are applied against, and compliance rises to as high as nearly 0.296 people per year.

So I’m leaping into the Usage Guideline racket: there’s no better way to express my idealistic hopes that the world can be perfected by enacting a few trivially easy changes in the ways people do things, there’s no surer way of making myself embittered than watching everyone carry on in their un-enlightened fashion, and in the meanwhile I can sell nearly more than fourteen copies of books explaining the guidelines to members of the adoring public who thought they were buying sarcastic atlases instead.

Don’t worry. Before long I’ll have comment forms in place so you can suggest new standards for me to consider, provided you do submit them in the correct way.