In Which I Just Get Mean About Trick-Or-Treating During The Pandemic


“It’s perfectly safe to go trick-or-treating while the pandemic’s out of control,” say parents who for the past ten years have had the cops X-ray their kids’ Jolly Ranchers. Sure. All right. I’m calling your bluff. I’m handing out popcorn balls.

Related issue: I have no idea how to make popcorn balls. My best ideas for how involve, spraying a handful of popcorn with glue? Maybe rolling some kernels with silly putty until it all coheres? There’s some trick to it, I’m sure. Oh, right, of course there’s a trick, because it isn’t trick exclusive or treat. Don’t mind me, I’ll run out of whatever mood this is soon.

The Ballot Questions


The polling place was fairly quiet, because it turns out locally there were three races being held, and they were only able to find two candidates. To make it feel a little more like things were exciting they added a couple of ballot questions, reprinted here:

  1. How was trick-or-treating at your house?
    1. Like nobody came, what’s the problem here?
    2. Last year there were like two kids, this year about seven thousand, what’s going on?
    3. I’m still getting ready for Orthodox Halloween next week.
    4. I think I’m the last person alive who still likes eating Heath bars.
  2. That Toronto mayor with the crack video:
    1. Yeah, sheesh, what’s with him?
    2. It’s some kind of performance art.
    3. I didn’t even know they had crack in Canada.
    4. Bill De Blasio?
  3. Did you get robo-called yet today?
    1. You’re robo-calling me right now.
    2. I set my phone on fire so you’d stop calling me.
    3. I’m the one shrieking at you to stop robo-calling me already.
    4. I have a kangaroo to listen to stuff on my phone.