Last time in my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction I shared a host sketch, the midshow sketch for the MiSTing of Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views.
The story has revealed that Kabuki was kidnapped by the fusion of three badgers, the dopey teens Maxl and Tracker and the sensible teen Jade. And now this is the stuff the Freedom Fighters are dealing with instead of overthrowing the evil Dr Robotnik or whatever they’re up to most of the time.
The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s short but quick installment.
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ TOM and JOEL are sitting in the theater. CROW enters. ]
CROW: Hey, who’re the robots?
TOM: We are the best.
JOEL: Yup, you are.
> "Oh, great," HX muttered. "Looks like we have to go to an
> opera and stop Jade from killing these guys!"
TOM: Yeah, or else we’ll lose their skills at… running into trees.
>
> "No big loss if she does," Sonic commented.
CROW: And that’s my only line.
>
> "C’mon, guys," Kabuki said, "we’re going to that opera."
>
> "But we don’t know where it is!" Sally said.
JOEL: Check the papers and see where Susan Kane is performing.
> "Maybe the
> address is on the tickets…get them out!"
ALL: Get them out! Shove them out! Waaaay out!
>
> "Umm…I don’t have ’em," Sonic said.
>
> "Me neither," said HX.
JOEL: Check your jackets!
TOM: You look under the car seat?
CROW: You mailed them with the phone bill, I’m telling you.
>
> It turned out everyone had forgotten the tickets.
TOM: Y’know, I just see Thaddeus and Stephen eating the rubber pizza in lunch period and writing that line and snickering all the way until seventh period when Mrs. Falvo told them to pay attention to her readings from "The Red Pony."
>
> "Not to worry," Knuckles said.
CROW: I now come in a refreshing mint sensation.
> He looked at his watch.
JOEL: A lot of watch-checking in this story.
CROW: Must be the high crime area.
>
> "What do you mean, ‘not to worry’?!" X3 screeched.
TOM: We only have all the time in the world to look for them!
> "You’re
> acting just like Maxl!"
>
> "No I’m not…it’s a wrist communicator, mon!" Knuckles
> explained. "Knuckles to team! Come in, team!"
JOEL: This is the Buffalo Sabres. How may we direct your call?
>
> "What’s up?" came a voice through the speaker in his watch.
>
> "We need transportation," Knuckles explained.
CROW: And maybe somebody to help us move this couch.
>
> "What’s your location?" came the voice.
TOM: We’re wedged in, half past the sixth chapter.
>
> Sally whipped out Nicole and a connector cord, and plugged it
> into a small socket in Knuckles’ watch. "I’m sending you our
> coordinates," she said.
>
> "Vector, take Mighty
CROW: [ Singing ] Here I come to save the day!
> and Charmee to the Hidden Palace,"
> Knuckles said. "Get ANT 100, and grab those opera tickets! Send
> Espio to see if he can find any badgers."
JOEL: Not to disparage the story or anything, but that’s a sequence of words I would’ve bet I’d never hear in my life.
>
> "Check," the voice replied. "This is Vector, out."
TOM: Roger, Vector. How is Hector?
>
> Before the signal died, they faintly heard the voice saying,
CROW: The calls are coming from inside the fanfic!
> "See, Mighty? I told you my headphones were good for something!"
[ To continue … ]
“The Red Pony” is a book I have a clear vague memory of reading in middle school. Mrs Falvo was not one of my middle school teachers, though; I pulled the name from a series of sketches on SCTV for some reason.
Hector and Vector are not just pleasantly rhyming names. They were also a pair of androids on the original Battlestar Galactica. There was an excellent reason to summon them from pop culture oblivion like this, but I will never know what it was. They were probably made on budget.
There was no reason to name the Buffalo Sabres except the have a good comic name.
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