MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 6

Last time I did a host segment, fun for Mystery Science Theater 3000 and for Law and Order fans, but not directly related to Sonic the Hedgehog. So to catch up on developments in Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s fan fiction Jaded Views? A strange, poorly-spelled letter signed `Wandering Psycho’ warns Kabuki that she’ll be his bride, and leaves Other People’s Heroes with tickets to the opera.

The entirety of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

[ ALL file in ]

JOEL: I can’t wait to see us on A&E.

>
> "Sacre bleu!" Antoine cried, outraged. "Ze operas were ze peak
> of ze entertainment!"

TOM: You see, it’s very funny when French guys like opera and nobody else does.

>
> "Hey, guys," Sonic said, "what-say we go talk to the others
> about this?"

JOEL: You know, that’s a lot of work. What if we just trade those "Whassup" commercial ripoffs instead?

>
> "Ya, mon," Knuckles said. "They might have gotten some
> development in Kabuki’s condition, too, eh?"

CROW: Anything can happen in a cut-away.

>
> Chapter 3 Drawn Blades

TOM: Incense and Peppermints.

>
> The grimy badger,

JOEL: That’s really the way you want every sentence to start.

> clad in a shirt with a strange design, holey
> pants,

CROW: Holey pants, Batman!

> and sandals, kicked the contraption again, then checked his
> watch.

JOEL: Wait, wrong hand.

> "I been doin’ dis fo’ ten minutes now!" he griped in a thick
> New York accent.

ALL: [ Snickering ]

TOM: Ah, he’s from Movie Brooklyn.

>
> "Not going too, well, eh ol’ buddy?" asked the figure in the
> dark suit and hood in a similar voice, without the New York accent.

JOEL: Golly gosh, you’re a big-time newspaper reporter and I’m just a copy boy. Ya think I can ever be important like you too?

>
> "No, it ain’t, Tracks," said the badger.

TOM: We’s gonnta be makin’ yuh, dat’s wut dat is.

> "I never did figure
> out how to woik dis t’ingy."
>
> "Maxl," said the hooded figure,

JOEL: Maxl’s getting advice from the jawas.

> "take it from your buddy,
> Tracker

TOM: I mention my name because I know you’re likely to forget it.

> — you’re a total klutz when it comes to machines. Anyways,
> it’s time for your fencing lesson. You’re getting better."

CROW: So, uh, when Robotnik overthrew the government and threw everyone he could into the roboticizers, what were Maxl and Tracker doing that he overlooked them?

JOEL: Oh, see, Robotnik conquered all of Mobius except for the junior high schools.

TOM: Yeah, it turns out you get really incompetent SwatBots out of Seventh Grade.

CROW: Really incompetent SwatBots? How could you tell?

>
> "Well, okay," said Maxl, kicking the contraption one last time

JOEL: He doesn’t even know the Fonzie move.

> before he went into his house to practice fencing with Tracker. On
> his way into the house,

TOM: Work on your machinery in the great outdoors, but go into the enclosed areas to perform some physical activity.

> Maxl looked at his watch,

JOEL: [ As Maxl ] My life would be empty if I didn’t have my watch.

> then mumbled
> something about operas and Jade.

CROW: Can *you* identify the plot point in this scene?

>
> Tracker drew his blade.
>
> "Wow!" said Maxl, "Dat’s a good pictcha!"
>
> "Thanks," said Tracker. "Your art lessons really helped."

JOEL: We leave this here for everyone who wants to slap this story.

>
> The two friends were sitting on Maxl’s green carpet, the only
> clean thing left in his house.

CROW: Sure, Mobius has been wracked by war for years, but the rug shampooing services are still first-rate.

> After fencing with Tracker, Maxl had
> agreed to give him an art lesson.

TOM: The average body is two heads tall.

CROW: Eyes are big, misshapen kidney-bean objects.

JOEL: Characters inserted into the series as the author’s avatars should be bright neon colors.

>
> "Well, since you won that last round of fencing,

CROW: I get the next round of carpentry sheds.

> I want to
> take you on again." said Tracker.
>
> "Deal," answered Maxl, "but you pull your Big Blade and I’ll
> take ya outta da picture."

TOM: Don’t these guys have anything to do?

JOEL: It’s probably winter break on Mobius or something.

>
> "Fine by me, just wait and see…." said Tracker, "Just don’t
> snap your fingers this time, okay?"

CROW: Last time you snapped your fingers we vanished and reappeared two weeks later in Jacksonville, Florida.

>
> Maxl nodded. The house floor was all hardwood with no
> furniture or mats, except for the green carpet.

JOEL: You think if this detail keeps up we’ll never get back to the story?

> For some reason,
> Maxl just couldn’t stand having any blood on his beautiful carpet.

TOM: And that’s all the personality we can afford in this fanfic.

> Some might say that was the only sane thing about him.

CROW: These people were fools, who’d never even suspected he kept pools of duck sauce.

>
> "To ahms!" yelled Maxl across his living room to Tracker. Both
> drew sizable two-foot long daggers.

JOEL: Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Thrust! Ha!

> Tracker advanced on Maxl, the
> thought of spilling blood on his mind. Maxl advanced on Tracker, the
> thought of meatloaf on his mind.

TOM: See, thinking of meatloaf when you’re fighting is very funny.

> Soon, both were in striking
> distance of each-other. Maxl decided to try to trick Tracker.
>
> "Hey! A big meatloaf’s behind ya!" he yelled.

CROW: Yeah, and a chicken pot pie is laughing at you!

>
> "Huh??" asked Tracker, looking over his shoulder. Maxl struck
> at Tracker, who pivoted and parried. Tracker tried the same trick
> back on him, which was advantageous.
>
> "Wait!" yelled Tracker, "The meatloaf is behind you now!"

TOM: Oh, yeah, like I’m gonna fall for my own —

>
> "Food!" yelled Maxl. He spun around,

TOM: Never mind.

> and was stabbed in the
> back by Tracker.
>
> "Quick!" yelled Tracker. "Clap your hands!"

CROW: You’re happy *and* you know it, and you *really* want to show it!

>
> Maxl did so, and got up off of the floor. He no longer was
> bleeding, and the hole where he had been stabbed was gone.

JOEL: I hear there’s a reward for anyone who can turn this into something that makes sense.

>
> "Okay," Maxl said, checking his watch.

CROW: [ As Maxl ] I thought my watch was making a break for it, but I guess I was wrong.

> "We’ve sparred fo’ ten
> minutes. We kin stop now."

TOM: Ten minutes of exercise, five times a year, is enough for anyone.

>
> Meanwhile, a robot was watching everything from the underbrush
> a few hundred yards away.

CROW: The story’s all mixed up, it thinks one of us is in it.

[ To continue … ]

---

I guess Law and Order was running on A&E back then. “Whassup” was a … beer? … commercial that was kind of meme-y, back in the day. I feel like “Anything can happen in a cut-away” is stolen from MST3K itself but I don’t remember for sure.

“Ah, he’s from Movie Brooklyn” was one of Stephen Boyd’s favorite jokes ever, back in the day. The riff about not being able to tell the really incompetent SwatBots reflects on their Imperial Stormtrooper-like skills, at least in the fanfics I ever read. I’m sure in the actual cartoon they were a terrifying force.

The art lessons, the average body being two heads tall and such, owes a lot to a Sydney Harris panel comic about lessons from the (Something) Art School. It offered advice like ”the human body is twelve heads tall” — six or seven is the figure any real school will give you — and showed the misshapen figure you’d get from that. The caption explained the (Something) Art School was now closed.

“Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn!” and all is a Daffy Duck line.

I like Crow’s riff about the story thinking he and Tom Servo are in it, but I never heard anyone agree.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 5

Moving right along … my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction based on Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer’s late-90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views? You should be able to read the whole of it here.

Last time the story lurched into action with a poorly-spelled letter from a ‘Wandering Psycho’, which I’m sure hasn’t got any touch of edgy thoughtlessness behind it. But never mind that; it’s time for a host sketch! I’ll explain the obscurities behind it after the sketch.

---

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is lying over the desk, holding a note in his hands. JOEL looks up for a moment to say ‘Dum-Dum!’ GPC and CROW enter. ]

GPC: [ To CROW ] So the phone company said since the problem was the dead jacks were really just a separate number fixing them wasn’t covered in the monthly line repair premium I — [ Discovering JOEL ] — Oh, my!

TOM: Call the police!

[ GPC, CROW, JOEL hide under the desk. JOEL, holding the note, and CROW, with a sherrif’s star on his mask come up. JOEL does another ‘Dum-Dum!’ ]

JOEL: [ Reading, showing letter to CROW ] Wandering Psycho. Guy can’t even spell psycho.

CROW: [ In his best Jerry Orbach voice ] Yeah, whatever happened to literacy tests for criminals?

JOEL: We’ll see what the crime lab makes of this.

[ JOEL puts the paper on the desk; he and CROW look to the side, and GPC pops up. Joel makes the ‘Dum-dum!’ again. ]

GPC: There aren’t any good prints, but we matched paint residues to the types sold to cartoon studios.

JOEL: So we’re dealing with an animated cartoon.

GPC: Of recent vintage, based on the samples.

CROW: Too bad. I always wanted to bring Dinky Doodle to justice.

[ GPC ducks under the desk, JOEL and CROW turn away from her, TOM pops up. JOEL goes ‘Dum-Dum!’ again. ]

CROW: Mister Hedgehog! Could we talk with you?

TOM: My dad’s Mister Hedgehog. I’m Sonic. Look, I don’t know nothing about this Wandering Psycho.

JOEL: How’d you know we were interested in the Wandering Psycho?

TOM: It’s all over the street, man! I’ve got a brain.

CROW: Yeah, you got a brain. You got anything useful?

TOM: [ After a pause ] Kate Chaos. She’s all you need.

[ TOM ducks down, JOEL and CROW look over, GPC pops up. ]

JOEL: Miss Chaos? Kate Chaos? [ Flashing his hand ] NYPD, we’d like to talk about —

GPC: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME TALK!

CROW: Miss Chaos, please, we just need to know —

GPC: [ Breaking down, sobbing ] All right, all right, I’ve been jealous of Kabuki for years and when I saw the chance I had to go for it… she had everything, I had nothing… I was just taking my fair share… just what’s coming to me…

JOEL: Miss Chaos, you have the right to remain silent…

[ ALL duck under the table for a moment. GPC, CROW (with the star removed), JOEL and TOM stand up. JOEL quickly tosses a folded paper on the desk. JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ ]

JOEL: And that’s our final offer.

CROW: [ Normal voice ] Aggressive noodginess in the third? Forget it.

JOEL: You take us to trial, we push for the max jail time.

CROW: Fine. Over there’s our motion to suppress the confession.

TOM: Why aren’t I surprised?

[ JOEL tucks the paper down; GPC and TOM duck down; JOEL says ‘Dum-dum!’ ]

JOEL: Your honor, there’s no reason to throw out her confession.

CROW: She wasn’t Mirandized, it cannot stand.

JOEL: She wasn’t even a suspect when she confessed!

MAGIC VOICE: I have to side with the defense. Confession is out.

JOEL: Your honor —

MAGIC VOICE: Out.

[ CROW and JOEL duck down, then come back up, this time with CROW’s sherrif star back on. JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ ]

CROW: [ With Jerry Orbach voice again ] Anyway, we had pulled the LUDs on her phone but they didn’t come until today —

JOEL: Tell me something I want to hear.

CROW: Twenty-eight calls in two days from Kate Chaos to Kabuki Ninomiya. But here’s the interesting thing. Five minutes before every one of them, she called Amaroq Kapugen.

JOEL: Find him. Bring him in.

[ TOM pops up. JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ ]

CROW: How many times do we have to ask you, Mister Kapugen?

JOEL: You can stay silent. We’ve got enough to convict you. Conspiracy to aggravated noodging. Just as much jail time in this state. *OR*, you can cooperate, and we cut a deal.

TOM: What are you looking for anyway?

JOEL: A name. Something to go on.

TOM: [ After sulking ] George DiCenzo.

CROW: George DiCenzo. That the truth?

TOM: So help me.

[ JOEL, TOM, CROW duck under the table. CROW (without the sherrif’s star), JOEL and TOM come up. ]

CROW: I told you you didn’t want my client.

JOEL: But she gives us DiCenzo —

TOM: Who was in "Back to the Future" with Christopher Lloyd —

JOEL: Who gives us Bob Hoskins by way of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" —

TOM: Getting us to "Balto" and —

CROW: You get Kevin Bacon. *We* get a suspended sentence.

JOEL: Deal.

[ GPC pops up; JOEL and TOM turn to the camera. JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ again. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Does the defendant understand the terms of her plea?

GPC: I do, your honor.

MAGIC VOICE: Then your plea bargain is approved. We’re recessed.

[ GPC and CROW duck under. COMMERCIAL SIGN begins flashing; JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ again. ]

TOM: So you figure justice is fully served?

JOEL: Not quite, but we’re a good bit closer than we were this morning.

TOM: What if the jury won’t convict Bacon?

JOEL: If we can’t take that risk now and then, why are we here?

TOM: [ Thoughtfully ] Hm.

JOEL: [ To camera ] We’ll be right back.

[ JOEL taps commercial sign. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

[ To continue … ]

---

At the time I was writing this I was watching a lot of Law and Order reruns on whatever cable channel had the rights in 1998? 1999? Whatever?

Dinky Doodle was a silent-era cartoon character for Walter Lantz Productions, most notable for getting a throwaway mention in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I think G’s line about “I was just taking my fair share … just what’s coming to me” is a riff on Sally Brown’s Christmas list from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

An LUD is a “Local Usage Details”, logs of phone calls made and received. They were always pulling people’s LUDs on Law and Order back then.

The challenge in any sketch like this is finding an ending, especially one that doesn’t amount to the Brains breaking sketch-character and complaining about something in the sketch’s logic. I remember my pride in writing this when I realized I could turn it into a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, which is all we had for Internet memes back in 1998 or 1999. It was the dry meme spell between “Chewbacca Ate My Balls” and the Hamster Dance. But we were happy, in our way.

GPC’s phone problem in the introduction of the sketch is based on some nonsense I had to deal with in getting my apartment set up, but I can remember no details of that beyond that. Fun fact: at the time, my phone number ended 0001. Less fun fact: turns out a lot of people scamming the rent-to-own scam stores gave fake numbers ending 0001.

The Mountain States Are Really Coming Together

Now, with the acquisition of Cheese Montana I am all set to consume yet another state I don’t have anything against, particularly, I just can’t think of any particular reason I’d be in it.

Also comparing the label price to that of Cheese Nevada and to Cheese Idaho I’m glad to see the price per weight is staying pretty stable.

I’m just a little sad they couldn’t snip the security tag off but, hey, more Montana to eat!

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 4

Last time in Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s late-90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views, we saw the Knothole Village Gang, plus a bunch of characters from other people’s fan fictions, puttered around someone named Kabuki and everyone agreed they had individual tragic backstories. Not appearing yet: Boyd and Tramer’s new characters of Jade, Maxl, and Tracker.

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things that need explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
> Chapter 2 The Letter

CROW: The inside story of "R".

>
> "Kabuki’s room is ze peegsty!" came a voice from somewhere
> under all the junk.

BOTS: [ Snickering ]

JOEL: Yes, folks, that’s really French.

>
> "Tell me about it, Ant," Sonic muttered.
>

CROW: OK, Uncle.

> "Why do I have to do this?" came a third voice.

TOM: Because we don’t like you.

>
> "To find out what’s wrong with Kabuki, Rack," Sonic replied to
> the unmistakable voice.

JOEL: She’s actually a character from another show, is the problem.

>
> "Not ‘Rack’," the voice replied testily,

CROW: Rack and *pinion*.

> "Amaroq.

JOEL: And Ahm a hard place.

> Am-uh-rack
> Ka-pyu-jin. Amaroq Kapugen,

TOM: I repeat that after carefully enunciating it for all those who missed it the first two times.

> meaning ‘the great black wolf’."

CROW: That’s such an inspiring name. I’m going to change my name to "Quro T. Rowbot," meaning, "the cute yellow robot."

>
> "Whatever you say, Rack," Sonic replied.
>
> The black wolf growled angrily.

TOM: So, his parents looked at him, noticed he was a black wolf, and decided to name him "Black Wolf." Got it.

> "Why should we be helping that
> cat, anyway?"

JOEL: The most incredible leader of the pack?

CROW: He’s the chief, he’s the pip, he’s the championship.

>
> "Any enemy of yours has to be a friend of mine, mon," Knuckles

TOM: Oh, this just in. Knuckles is also in this story.

> growled from somewhere in the pile. Amaroq had a really weird sense
> of humor

CROW: His elaborate "festival of grasshoppers" left audiences confused for weeks.

> and often insulted his team-members, which made him
> unpopular with most of the Freedom Fighters.

JOEL: A Freedom Fighter with annoying personality traits? How did he slip through the cracks?

> "You are a
> total…hey!"

CROW: A hey? Quit horsing around!

>
> "A total hey?" Tails wondered.

TOM: I’ve just been handed a bulletin. Tails is in this fanfic too.

>
> "Whuzzap?" Sonic asked. "Find something?"
>
> "A letter of some sort," the echidna replied. "Yecch…it’s
> all greasy."

CROW: That’s what happens when you recycle hair gel into wood pulp.

>
> "What does it say?" Sonic demanded.
>
> "The handwriting’s awful, Sonic," Knuckles observed, "but I

> think I can make out what it says:

JOEL: Or I can make something up that’s just as good.

>
> Deer Cabookee,
>
> I want you for my bryd. i’m comInG 4 u.

TOM: Oh, great, the story’s being invaded by IRCers.

> Uh-oh! It’z 4 in the
> Afternon! I don’t kno what that meanz,

CROW: Except that I’ll probably have to eat at a ‘Breakfast served anytime’ sort of place.

> but I guess I’yd better stop
> writhing this letter!

TOM: How does he read the letter aloud so you can hear the misspelled words?

>
> -The WaNDring SyKKo

JOEL: The leader of the evil Renegade Go-Bots is after Kabuki?

>
> "Either that, or something about rabbits and mosquitoes in the
> cheese."

CROW: This passage included because mosquitoes and cheese are hilarious words.

>
> "Who’s this…wandering…what’s-his-name?" Tails asked.
>
> "You born on a farm, son?" Amaroq asked.

TOM: Or just raised in a barn?

>
> "I’m not your son," Tails replied,

JOEL: That’s the plot twist for the *next* story.

> "and please answer my
> question."

CROW: African or European?

>
> "Uhhhh…I don’t know either," Amaroq replied.

TOM: Aaaaaand he gets green slimed.

> "I just felt
> like saying that."

JOEL: Hey, Amaroq, if you’re not going to advance the plot any, could you at least have an annoying accent so we know we can ignore you?

>
> "Hey," said Sonic, who was now standing behind Knuckles and
> reading over his shoulder,

CROW: Sonic gets to be the leader ’cause he teleports from place to place.

> "what are those things taped to the
> letter?"
>
> "Hmmmm," the echidna said, "they appear to be tickets to see
> an opera."

TOM: The opera.

CROW: Just because they’re trapped in a desperate struggle for survival against a crushing worldwide war machine doesn’t mean they can’t maintain a very active theater community.

>
> "Ze opera?"

JOEL: Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool. Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. — I could go on like this all night, but it’s tough on my suspenders.

> Antoine asked, clapping his hands. "Magnifique!"
>
> "Since when have there been operas on Mobius?" Tails inquired.
>
> "Before you were born, mon," Knuckles replied.

TOM: So that’s, like, what, two years?

> "Before that
> ol’ Robuttnik took over. The one decent thing he ever did was ban
> them."

CROW: So the great form of civil disobedience on Mobius is the opera?

>
> "Not too great, eh?" asked Tails, rhetorically.
>
> "You got it," said Amaroq.

TOM: Oh, we gotta go, guys.

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Good for us.

[ To continue … ]

---

I’m not proud to show off my old ignorance of Amaroq (or Amarok), the great wolf of Inuit mythology. I’d probably have avoided Crow’s and Tom’s riffs coming dangerously near making fun of the word if I had. The riffs also show how I never heard of Jean Craighead George’s children’s novel Julie of the Wolves, which is probably where the last name “Kapugen” comes from.

IRC was — and still is — a real-time synchronous text-only communications medium. It’s something like if Discord wasn’t spying on your conversations with friends and feeding them to advertisers and LLM word sausage grinders. It had a reputation in the 90s for being fast and loose with orthography, much like the rest of the Internet.

The leader of the evil Renegade Go-Bots was named Cy-Kill, which is why that riff is logically formed and therefore funny. He was a motorcycle. Do you get it?

“Just because they’re trapped in a desperate struggle for survival against a crushing worldwide war machine doesn’t mean they can’t maintain a very active theater community” was a favorite riff of many people and I recall it being nominated for a “best riff of the year” when Web Site Number Nine did its MiSTing awards. What can I say, people like the slightly-too-much riffs.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 3

Welcome back to my fanfic treatment of Jaded Views, a Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction by Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd. Last time, we got a cast list. This time, who knows?

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

CROW: Did any of us win?

JOEL: We’ve still got the story to read.

>
> Chapter 1 Access Denied

JOEL: Or maybe not.

TOM: Sure looks like we can give up now.

>
> Can’t probe target.

CROW: It’s too buttery.

> The disheartening words flashed across
> Nicole’s screen.
>
> "Shoot," Kate said,

JOEL: Bang.

> running a hand through her long, brown
> hair.

CROW: Genie?

> "Even with both of us hooked up to Nicole, Kabuki is still
> immune to our scanning."

TOM: That’s what we get for not knowing how to do stuff.

>
> "I know, Sis," Hedgehog X replied. "Of course, keep in mind
> that we’re new to this telepathy thing."
>
> "Yeah," the fifteen-year-old human girl replied,

TOM: Fift… if that’s Marrissa I’m gonna vomit.

> "but you’d
> think that at least maybe two of the most powerful entities on the
> planet would be able to do something!"

JOEL: Two of the most powerful entities on the planet. Can you tell we’re in a fanfic?

>
> "Don’t get down on yuhself, Sugah," Bunnie said to Kate.

CROW: Just kiss me.

> "Remember, ah friend here," and with this, she pointed at the
> unconscious Siamese cat with probes on her head,

TOM: I think Bunnie knocked her out with her accent.

> "has had a pretty
> mysterious past."

JOEL: I mention this because you’ve surely forgotten this, and not just because the readers only now got here.

>
> "Please," HX said, "don’t talk about mysterious pasts around
> me…

CROW: I have no history, and I’m mighty jealous.

> I might start puking."
>
> Hedgehog X wasn’t exaggerating much. His past had been a major
> pain.

JOEL: You can just feel the tragedy.

> After the Life Jades had been stolen from the village of
> Bluebrook by Robotnik, a new Gem Child was needed to take the place
> of Willind, now called Packbell, who had been the Child of the Jades
> of Life.

TOM: Sentences like that are what happens when you just run together titles of fantasy novels.

>
> Without the Jades, creating a new life-form wasn’t easy for
> the other Power Gems,

CROW: *And* the Power Holograms..

> so the new life-form, who was meant to be a
> clone of Mobius’s champion,

TOM: What, they needed more obnoxious twits whose personalities are defined by eating chili dogs?

> Sonic the Hedgehog, came out wrong.

JOEL: It turns out instead of super-speed, the Sonic clone had super-spelling abilities.

> He
> was perpetually eleven years old (the age Sonic had been when he was
> cloned),

CROW: So he’s perpetually on the verge of being beaten up in middle school.

> as well as being purple and not having Sonic’s speed.

TOM: But other than creating another powerless pre-teen load it was a *roaring* success.

>
> For these reasons,

JOEL: And other reasons that have been changed to protect the innocent.

> Xavier — the name given to the new Child
> of the Super Emeralds

CROW: Because they were out of good names that week.

> — was banished and told to stay away from the
> Knothole Freedom Fighters.

TOM: With nowhere else to turn, he went to the home of his childhood friend Oscar Madison.

> However, after he pulled them out of a
> few scrapes, and was forced to reveal his true identity,

JOEL: Xavier is Clark Kent!

> the
> Emeralds cured his speed problem

CROW: Careful, that’s what made Robin Williams stop being funny.

> and let him join with the Knothole
> crowd.

TOM: They let him sit at the "in" table in the cafeteria and then at the table next to them at the pizza place.

>
> To make matters worse, Xavier — better known as Hedgehog X —

JOEL: Unbeknownst to Speed Racer, Hedgehog X is secretly his older brother Rex.

> had the mind of two beings.

CROW: Or the being of two minds.

TOM: The man with two brains!

> He had once been sent to an odd
> alternate version of Mobius, a planet called Terra (known to some as
> Earth),

CROW: Known to still others as "snoogie wuggles."

> where his mind was mixed with that of a sentient — albeit
> deceased — robot named Zero.

JOEL: Our hero!

> With Zero’s mind came the ability to
> become a cyborg — to be robotic and yet keep his free will

TOM: Which really comes in handy when he needs to watch bad movies.

> — a
> design which Uncle Chuck would no doubt follow, once the war was
> over.

JOEL: [ Ominously ] No doubt. If he knows what’s good for him. Mwuh-huh-huh-huh-hah-hah-hah!

>
> "Let’s get back to the task at hand, shall we?"

CROW: I’m tired of waiting out the chunks of exposition.

> asked Mega Man
> X (more commonly known as just "X"), a sentient robot from Earth who
> was best friends with Hedgehog X.

TOM: In the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate yet equally important characters named X.

> "Bookshire, Rotor, how long do you
> think it’ll take to work this out?"
>
> "Could be hours," the aging raccoon replied.

CROW: Wait, no, I’m done.

> "We could use
> some help from any of you who know electronics."

JOEL: On second thought, maybe it’d be more efficient to just poke sticks at this stuff until it works again.

>
> "That’d be me," said X and HX at the same time.
>
> "Me too," Bunnie spoke up. "Ah’m kahnda partial to ’em, if
> y’all know what Ah mean."

TOM: Ah lahk nuthin bettah than a chicken-fried 20 microFarad capacituh.

>
> Sally agreed to help, too, along with a few others.

CROW: [ Whiny voice ] Does this thing work on AC or PM?

TOM: [ Also whiny ] I don’t wanna solder stuff, it smells sick.

JOEL: [ As above ] Are we the X’s or the O’s?

>
> "Uh, ‘scuse me," a voice said, "but don’t you think we should
> search Kabook’s room for any clues?"

CROW: Considering none of us knows who Kabook is or why we should care, I’d say no.

>
> Everyone in the room looked at Sonic the Hedgehog,

TOM: Ah, yes, the nominal star of our show, ladies and gentlemen.

> the one who
> had spoken, stared for a few seconds, and simultaneously hit
> themselves in the heads in a "why didn’t I think of that?" sort of
> way.

JOEL: Knothole village observes a moment of D’oh.

ALL: [ Joel slapping his head ] D’oh!

[ To continue … ]

---

The “Marrissa” reference is to Stephen Ratliff’s “Marissa Picard” fan fictions and if you think I spelled her name wrong, hey, who hasn’t?

“Xavier” is not, in fact, a bad name. I apologize for my error. I also don’t feel good about that Robin Williams joke but it reflects common wisdom in the 90s.

Zero “our hero” is, yes, a Schoolhouse Rock reference. Joel asking “Are we the X’s or the O’s” is one of the good running gags in It’s Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown — the team can’t figure out who they represent in Peppermint Patty’s football play diagrams, and she doesn’t clear the matter up. I recently rewatched this special, though, and learned the line is actually “are we the X’s or the zeroes”. Again, I apologize for my mistake.

“Kabook” is, obviously, the Kabuki person they were talking about earlier, and I believe I knew that when I wrote the MiSTing. The thrill of calling out an author for depending on something superficially not in the story was too strong, though. Once more, I apologize for my error.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 2

Last week I just got through the introductory sketches to my circa 1999 MiSTing of the Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views. The original story was by Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd and came to me through Tramer’s self-nomination.

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ ALL file in. ]

> This work is written

TOM: I think that claim’s unduly optimistic.

> by Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer,

CROW: Screenplay by Mark Evanier.

JOEL: From a story outline by Ron Goulart and Brian Daley.

TOM: Based on a sneeze by Harlan Ellison.

> and
> is their sole property. If you wish to copy this,

JOEL: Try stuffing your computer in a mimeograph machine.

> fine, but if you
> use it to make a quick buck for yourself,

CROW: You should’ve cloned deer instead.

> we will hunt you down and
> kill you (either that, or prosecute you to the maximum extent of the
> law).

TOM: You think there’s a huge body of law dedicated to protecting Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic characters?

>
> The following work is purely fictitious

CROW: In fact, none of us are even here.

> (and if you didn’t
> figure that out for yourself, you should consult a psychiatrist),
> except for the fact that a few characters herein are comparable to

JOEL: Jujubees.

> some real people we know.
>
> We’d like to thank anyone and everyone who has ever written a
> Sonic the Hedgehog story,

TOM: What a neat coincidence. We want to plead for mercy from all those same writers.

> because I draw many ideas from these.
> We’d also like to thank the programmers at Square Soft who created
> Final Fantasy 3, since We’ve made a few jokes in this story about

CROW: … how we can’t figure out how many people we are.

> that game.
>
> Should anything come up in this story that conflicts with any
> other Sonic stories

TOM: We won’t be surprised.

> — past, present, or future — just say that
> this is an alternate reality and that the events here occurred
> differently for some reason.

JOEL: All righty.

ALL: This is an alternate reality and that the events here have occurred differently for some reason.

>
> All characters herein are created by Service and Games (SEGA),

CROW: Writing out "Service and Games." The true mark of the hardcore fanboy.

> and by Archie Comics, with the following exceptions

> (alphabetically):
>

JOEL: We surveyed 100 people about the exceptions for this story, top five answers are on the board… Crow?

CROW: I’m gonna say "Superman."

JOEL: Show me… Superman!

> Amaroq Kapugen – Jesse Rhodes
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike! Next name?

CROW: Andy Richter.

JOEL: Andy Richter, is he on the board?

> ANT 100 – Anthony Testa
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes, you have one left.

CROW: Oh, man, oh, man, I’m gonna have to get this… uhh… Bookshire?

TOM: Good answer, good answer!

JOEL: Show me… Bookshire!

> Bookshire Draftwood – David Pistone
>

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding ding! You’re up by 25 points… next?

CROW: I’m gonna go with Space Ghost and Dino Boy.

JOEL: Show me… Space Ghost with Dino Boy!

> Hedgehog X – Brent Roberts

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Sorry, that’s your third strike, we have to go to the other side. Tom, this is your chance to steal it away if you can find one character that’s on the board.

TOM: This is tough, this is tough, I’m gonna go with… gotta be one of the authors.

CROW: Ooh. Good one.

JOEL: Show me… Thaddeus Boyd or Stephen Tramer!

>
> Jade – Thad Boyd
> & Stephen Tramer

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding!

TOM: [ Jumping up and down ] I won! I won!

CROW: You got lucky!

>

JOEL: OK, second round, top eight answers are on the board, Crow, you get this one.

CROW: OK, I’m gonna say Bud Collyer.

JOEL: Bud Collyer, are you up there?

> Kabuki Ninomiya – Jill Quindiagan
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] That’s your first strike of the second round.

CROW: That’s it, I’m gonna pass.

JOEL: You sure?

CROW: Yup. Over to you, Tom.

TOM: Ooh, OK. I’m going with Tom and Jerry.

JOEL: Tom and Jerry, good answer, is it up there?

> Kate Chaos – Stefanie Londo
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike against you. No pressure, now.

TOM: Woody Woodpecker.

JOEL: Oh, Woody?

> Maxl – Stephen Tramer
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes. A little pressure now. If you get a third strike, Crow could steal it from you.

TOM: I’m not worried about that, it’s just the loss of face I mind.

JOEL: So who’re you going with?

TOM: Uhm… I don’t know… Uh…

JOEL: We need an answer.

TOM: I, uh… I want…

> Mega Man X – Capcom games

TOM: [ Quickly ] Betty Boop!

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] I’m sorry, you weren’t in time, and now Crow, you have the chance to steal.

CROW: Ooh, uh, I’m gonna go with Mega Man.

JOEL: That’s already up on the board.

CROW: Yeah, but I got a good feeling about it.

JOEL: Mega Man, you in there?

>
> Mega Man X3 – Glen Swift
>

JOEL: Judges? … ding ding ding ding!

CROW: Yeah!

JOEL: You win the second round, we’re now tied, this will decide the winner. Top three answers on the board, Tom, you have control.

TOM: You know, we haven’t seen everybody’s fave ineffective schmuckleball fanfic star yet. I bet Packbell’s in it.

CROW: Good answer, good answer.

JOEL: Show me… Packbell!

> Packbell – David Pistone
>

TOM: Yes!

JOEL: Forty points for you, now, can you get either of the remaining characters?

TOM: How many times have our illustrious authors put themselves in already?

CROW: Three times, on two characters.

TOM: This is fishing, but I think there’s another of the authors left in this one.

JOEL: Let’s see Boyd or Tramer…

> Tracker – Stephen Tramer
>

TOM: Woo-hoo!

JOEL: You’ve got 65 points, Tom, now, can you bring it home? Can you win this last one?

TOM: Aw, man, it all comes down to this, doesn’t it? Uh… let’s see. Got Bookshire, got the authors over and over, got Packbell…

JOEL: Five seconds, Tom.

TOM: Any of the Rugrats!

JOEL: Thomas J. Servo, you will win this game if one of the Rugrats comes out to play… show me Rugrats!

> Zero – Capcom

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Aw, I’m sorry, you do not carry the day.

TOM: I feel so inferior.

CROW: Did any of us win?

JOEL: We’ve still got the story to read.

[ To continue … ]

---

Or … to start, really. You know how it is sometimes.

Mark Evanier, if you’re of my age cohort, wrote every cartoon you watched growing up. Ron Goulart, who died recently, was a renowned historian of comic strips, comic books, and animation. Brian Daley wrote a bunch of the early Star Wars original novels. Harlan Ellison you already know about. Fun fact: I wrote that riff about him before I even finished reading the story. There is a reason that’s a fun fact but it must wait for its revelation.

I liked the long list of character appearances; it let me do opening/closing credits gags the way the Brains sometimes would. I’m not sure how it turned into a game show sketch, but I’m glad it did. Bud Collyer was the original voice of Superman in theatrical shorts and on the radio, and went on to host every game show ever made. I remember at the time of writing this getting into the Hot Potato, an early-80s Family Feud-type game he hosted and that Game Show Network liked running. I don’t remember why I’m so hard on Packbell but I guess he turned up in a bunch of fan fictions back in the day and the ones I saw didn’t make him look good? Sorry.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 1

Greetings and felicitations and such! With the successful posting of the last part of the second Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction I ever turned into Mystery Science Theater 3000, where could I go next? Most anywhere, but where I did choose was to — I believe — my second-to-last Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction. I don’t come to this lightly; there’s over twenty things I could have done instead. But The Flophouse podcast just reviewed Sonic 2: The Secret of Knuckles’s Ooze so why shouldn’t I go for more Sonic stuff? There’s literally no reason to not.

Jaded Views was a story that coauthor Stephen Tramer, then a friend of mine, was very eager I riff, and though it took time to get around to it, I eventually did and was happy with how it turned out. Thaddeus Boyd I didn’t know at all, but we did eventually meet up in the comments section of Nathan Rabin’s Happy Place, one of my favorite sites out there. He said that he loved the fun I had with some dopey stories he and his friend wrote when they were twelve. I admitted, and admit, that I’m less proud than I used to be of making fun of a couple twelve-year-old boys’ fan fiction but as you read it all, I think you’ll concede I helped make a better experience of it. If you don’t, that’s life, isn’t it?

This is just the opening of the story, but I’ll explain thoughts about it afterwards anyway. To get ahead of things: I wrote this in 1998 or 1999 or so and that’s why there’s talk about Bill Cosby that’s whimsical and merry.

---

[ OPENING CREDITS ]

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. TOM, holding a script in both hands, is behind the desk. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The following is an editorial comment from Thomas J. Servo. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the Satellite of Love or its inhabitants.

TOM: Yes, but they *should.* I speak today to debunk deliberately false statements a leading member of the entertainment industry has made to the public for years. In his delightfully offbeat animated series "The Simpsons," Matt Groening has advanced the theory Famous Studios and Harvey Comics star Casper (the friendly ghost) is the ghost of Richie Rich (the poor little rich boy). Despite repeated letters to Mister Groening and 20th Century Fox, no retraction has been forthcoming. I call upon the viewing audience to review the evidence. It is a logical impossibility for Casper to be Richie Rich’s ghost. Indeed, they *met* one another many times, enough to earn a crossover bi-monthly comic book!

[ JOEL leans in, holding up a comic book. Richie Rich and Casper are riding a giant dollar bill as if it were a flying carpet; Richie Rich asks, "Is this *really* happening, Casper?" The cover caption reads, "Yes, Richie, IT IS! And it’s only the START of ‘A TOUCH OF MAGIC.’" JOEL leans back out. ]

TOM: Some would dismiss this by explaining Casper was the future ghost of Richie Rich cast back into time and visiting his youthful self. This theory cannot withstand review of the record, such as "Richie Rich and Casper" comic book number 37, "Cashper the Rich Little Ghost" —

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is marveling at Casper, who has dollar bills coming out of his snap. "Gosh, Casper, you’re richer than *I* am!" The cover caption reads, "For the first time — meet CASH-PER, the FRIENDLY GHOST!" JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: In which Wendy (the good little witch)’s mischievous aunts transfer Richie’s allowance for one week to Casper, and cast Richie Rich off to their world as a pauper. In this story, "Cashper" demonstrates his complete ineptitude at handling money. However, natural expertise with money is essential to the Rich character — I cite as evidence "Richie Rich Gems," number 34 —

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is on the phone by a broken Gem Dam No. 18, which is broken and leaking jewels. Richie says, "Come Quick, Dad… It’s a GEM-ergency!" JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: Which includes the story, "The Tycoons," in which Richie and his friends Freckles, Pee-Wee and Googie, play at being executives, unaware their orders are being carried out as if from Rich, Senior’s office. In eight hours they earn a billion dollars. Richie’s uncanny ability to attract and increase money is so established that no time-travelling theory explains the Richie Rich and Casper canon. Richie Rich and Casper are obviously separate characters. I call upon mister Groening. Stop lying to the people. The weight of history is against you. Thank you.

[ TOM hovers off-stage; CROW enters from the other side. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The Satellite of Love now presents an editorial reply.

CROW: Thank you, hello, and… hello. Ahem. Tom is a booger. Good day.

[ JOEL leans in, showing a picture of TOM. ]

TOM: [ Interrupting CROW, from off-stage ] I AM NOT! YOU LITTLE YELLOW CREEP! [ Continues ranting about CROW in this vein until the commercials. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 seconds. The Satellite of Love gladly accepts editorials from responsible members of the community, but does not expect any. Commercial sign now.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]

JOEL: We’ll be right back.

[ JOEL taps the flashing COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ COMMERCIALS ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding a newspaper; TOM, CROW and GYPSY are behind the desk, which is covered in cheap trinkets. ]

JOEL: And for each thirty-five cent copy of Grit you sell, you keep . twelve cents — you can earn your own spending money every week!

CROW: Nowadays you earn prizes, too — more than one hundred to choose from. The more papers you deliver, the neater the prizes.

GYPSY: *Girls* sell Grit too.

[ MADS SIGN flashes ]

TOM: Cousin Reggie and Hot Stuff are calling.

[ JOEL taps MADS SIGN. ]

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER holds a small box with a wire trailing from it. TV’s FRANK is in the background, standing in front of a picture of a cow. A large, square block of white foam, cut open to reaveal molding in the shape of TV’s FRANK is there. A small bag of fake snow is on the ground. ]

DR. F: You want me to call you Professor Keenbean. It’s not going to happen. [ He shakes his head, somberly. ]

DR. F: Our invention this week addresses one of the unfair things in life. During the summer, the inside of your car soaks up all the sun and you boil when you go in. Yet during winter, there isn’t enough heat to keep the car from freezing.

[ DR. FORRESTER steps back to TV’S FRANK, and takes a handful of fake snow. ]

FRANK: So what we’ve invented is the automobile thermos bottle. I’m here simulating a 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity sitting in a mall parking lot near Leon, Wisconsin. [ DR. FORRESTER throws the snow over him, and grabs another handful. ] It’s early May, and I’m just plain chilly.

DR. F: Now we just snap our car into the functional and lightweight bottle and….

[ TV’S FRANK steps inside the foam; DR. FORRESTER closes it up. DR. FORRESTER takes another handful of fake snow and throws it at the box. ]

DR. F: How’s that, Frank?

[ Several beats pass in silence ]

DR. F: Yup, nice and steady temperatures all year round.

[ DR. FORRESTER throws another handful of fake snow at the box. ]

DR. F: Over to you, Jackie Jokers.

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding an oversized marker; by TOM and CROW is set up an easel, which has two columns of pictures. On the left, drawings of feet, a car, a cat, and a box labeled ‘ice cream.’ On the right, a refrigerator, a paper bag, a pair of socks and a garage. ]

JOEL: If you’re like me, and I know you are, you recall Bill Cosby’s whimsical yet educational series of "Picture Pages." Who among us would not like to return to the days of waking up with The Cos and his musical pen, solving entertaining puzzles?

TOM: We can’t spend all our mornings with Bill Cosby, but we can find our own puzzles and use our invention this week, our own musical pen.

CROW: [ Looking over the puzzle ] OK, I know cars go in a garage, so draw a line from the car to the garage.

[ JOEL draws, from the car to the garage, while that generic musical sequence plays. ]

JOEL: Of course, we’re never content to just recreate the old. We’ve added the power of modern music synthesizers to allow us to switch the musical pen to reggae …

[ JOEL flips a switch and draws a line, from the feet to the freezer, while the same sequence with a reggae beat plays ]

TOM: *Or* rockabilly.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the box of ice cream to the cat. This time the music has a Chuck Berry feel. ]

CROW: And, of course, pipe organs.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the paper bag to the feet. The music is an ominous dirge. ]

JOEL: What do you think, sirs?

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is circling the box, sealing it with packaging tape. ]

DR. F: I think you’re gonna regret waking up today. Get this. You’re back on the Sonic the Hedgehog beat. We’ve got a little spray of random neurons called "Jaded Views," a delightful tale of nothing in particular. Read it and weep, Poppa Panda.

[ SOL DESK. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are singing and bouncing around. ]

ALL: Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages! Time to get your crayons and your —

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

ALL: MOVIE SIGN!

[ General panic. They leave for the theater. ]

[ To continue … ]

---

Tom Servo’s lecture is me going on about the first fan theory I remember annoying me. Well, the joke people won’t let die, anyway. I am a fan of both Richie Rich and Casper, and really most of the classic Harvey lighthearted spooky characters line. Still have nearly all the comics my grandmother bought for young me, which is why my references and the comic books cited are correct.

People really, really loved my ranting, though. It was nominated for that year’s MSTie awards for best host sketch. (I don’t remember whether it won.) “Tom Servo gets all huffy about a petty issue and Crow insults him” is a foolproof structure for a sketch; if you need one, try it yourself.

The car thermos bottle is basically just a garage, right? I owned a 1989 Celebrity at the time. I’d like to share some memories of the experience except it is impossible to remember a 1989 Chevy Celebrity; take a look at one and you’ll agree. As to why the scene is set in Leon, Wisconsin? … Looking up Leon, Wisconsin on Wikipedia tells me that it’s where Mercury 7 astronaut Deke Slayton was from, so that’s got to be what I was thinking.

“Poppa Panda” is not a Harvey Comics character, unlike most everybody else everyone calls everyone. It references the short-lived early-80s Saturday morning cartoon Pandamonium that I remember making an impression on me but I can’t tell you a thing about it past it had a character named “Poppa Panda” and nobody has a copy.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 32

We have reached the end. Keith A—‘s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Altered Destiny reached its conclusion, with Keith-turned-Chris set up in a nice new home on a new planet with a girlfriend and he’s now a cyborg raccoon and everything. What is there to do but share the concluding host sketch, and my final thoughts about the story, as seen in 1997.

The whole of the MiSTing of Altered Destiny should be at this link. I’ll share some last thoughts after this ends.

---

[ INT SOL. CROW, JOEL, and TOM are baking cookies. There’s an amazing mess of batter, flour, eggshells, and such all over the entire set. CROW is reading from a cookbook. ]

CROW: Add two tbsps baking powder.

TOM: Two tbsps?

JOEL: Two tablespoons, right. [ Sprinkles it into the central bowl; starts stirring. ]

CROW: No, two tbsps.

JOEL: Guys…

TOM: I’ve got the baking pans all greased up, Joel.

JOEL: Ah, good.

[ JOEL reaches under and pulls up the baking trays. JOEL starts dabbing spoonfuls of batter onto the trays. ]

JOEL: So, do you two feel like you learned anything from this fanfic?

TOM: Learned anything?

CROW: What’s to learn from *this*?

JOEL: Well, how about that sometimes you have to give up your comfortable old home in order to do something meaningful with your life?

CROW: Like Keith-slash-Chris did?

JOEL: [ Continuing to place cookies ] Yeah.

TOM: But all Keith gave up was certain, horrible death.

CROW: And the only meaningful thing he did with his new life was get a girlfriend.

JOEL: That’s still pretty meaningful. Okay, how about learning, like Sally and the other Mobians did, about not accepting matters at face value, and withholding judgement until one learns the full truth of a situation?

CROW: You mean the way they unquestioningly took Keith into their ranks, and later repeated it when he became Chris, without even a cursory questioning to determine if he presented any sort of security risk, as if they knew he was the protagonist?

JOEL: All right, guys. Maybe what you should really draw from the story isn’t something directly shown in the text, but rather in the questions raised by the storyline.

CROW: Like what?

JOEL: Well…

[ JOEL takes the baking trays and places them underneath the desk, as though putting them in the oven. ]

JOEL: How much trust can you extend to a person, and how does a stranger earn your trust?

CROW: Ooh. Or you could ask what that Death Egg thing had to do with the story.

TOM:Or, you could ask, Sonic the Hedgehog: Why? Why? Why why WHY Sonic the Hedgehog already?

CROW: Hey, if the Internet had gotten big a decade earlier they might have been inflicting "Pound Puppies" fanfics on us.

JOEL: [ Shakes his head, reaches under to pull out trays of baked cookies. ] You two are incorrigible.

CROW: So stop incorriging us.

JOEL: [ Eating one of the cookies. ] What do you think, sirs?

[ D13. DR. FORRESTER and TV’s FRANK are sitting; TV’s FRANK still in the cardboard car and covered with red paint; but they are trying to scrub him clean. Little progress has been made. ]

DR.F: You know something, Frank?

FRANK: What’s that, Clayton?

DR.F: They’ve got to be feeling pretty darned smug up there.

FRANK: Because you didn’t manage to crush their souls with another "Sonic the Hedgehog" fanfic?

DR.F: Grrr…anyway, yes, that’s the problem.

FRANK: Oh, I’m sure you have a plan.

DR.F: That I do, yes. You see, they can feel proud for having passed through this one…

FRANK: But you’ve got more lined up?

DR.F: More lined up than you can even imagine, Frank. More stories from this same author…

FRANK: Wow.

DR.F: More and more fans writing their very first fanfic every day…

FRANK: Oh, that can be painful.

DR.F: Yes…we’ve gone easy on them so far.

FRANK: I can imagine, yes.

DR.F: So we’re going to let them be lulled into a sense of security now.

FRANK: You can destroy them later, certainly.

DR.F: Precisely, Frank. Would you press the button, please?

FRANK: Glad to.

[ TV’S FRANK stands up; hits DR. FORRESTER with the front of his cardboard car. ]

DR.F: Oouch!

FRANK: [ Oblivious ] Where was that button?

[ TV’S FRANK turns around; hits DR. FORRESTER again. ]

DR.F: Aagh!

[ TV’S FRANK turns around again; hits DR. FORRESTER again. ]

DR.F: Ooorg!

FRANK: There it is.

DR.F: FRANK!

FRANK: Oops…

[ TV’S FRANK pushes the button. ]

                          \  |  /   
                           \ | /                         
                            \|/                        
                          ---o---                          
                            /|\                          
                           / | \                        
                          /  |  \ 
                            

[ * Pwooom * ]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and Copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. "Sonic the Hedgehog" and "Sonic the Hedgehog" characters are trademarks of and Copyright Sega, Archie Comics, and DIC. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc, Sega, Archie Comics, or DIC is intended or should be inferred. Remaining characters are Copyright their creators; and the original story as a whole is Copyright Keith A—. This MiSTing is intended solely for personal entertainment and is not meant to be an insult to the creators or fans of the Sonic the Hedgehog products, and certainly not to Keith A—, who knew what he was getting into when he mentioned he had some Sonic fanfics too. The "Eclectic/Cool, I collect stuff too" joke was originally
written by Ginger V. Tuttle for The Rutgers Review, Rutgers University, New Brunswick, New Jersey.

> It was a detailed set of blueprints
>for something called a Death Egg.

---

So some last thoughts. My recollection is that I impressed Keith A— with having a concluding sketch that actually thought about the themes of the story, especially since he hadn’t thought there was much of a theme in it. There is some part of me that longs to be an English major, and always has. This sketch — and others like it in a lot of the fanfiction MiSTings I did — show off the part of me that, decades later, would strive to find good things to say about god-awful Jack Kinney Popeye cartoons and the like.

But there’s reason for it besides liking the stunt of finding this meaning. I don’t like just making fun of the source text. I chose to read it. In fact, went out of my way to make it part of my life. The actual show at least occasionally got stuck with something because they had a deadline and no better candidate films.

Also, it does bother me that doing MST3K fan fiction is a copyright infringement mess. You see the block of text, more or less copied from other MiSTers, at the end of this, and it’s all useless stuff. The only thing that could possibly excuse using Best Brains’s stuff is if I can do something that’s fair use. That’s normally things like using the original property for educational purposes or critiques or some kind of transformative effort that can’t be done without using the copyrighted material. The more a MiSTing uses the source material to think about something, the closer to fair use it gets.

Yes, I’m aware this only really excuses using the original fan fiction, the thing that gets critiqued the most explicitly, and that I didn’t need cover for since the author gave me permission. But could I do the criticism as well without Crow and Tom Servo and Joel Robinson delivering it? Maybe there’s an argument to be made there. I don’t know, and hope I don’t ever have to face it.

Though Keith A— was happy to have me MiST other of his stories I never did. I forget whether he never showed me another or whether I forgot to ask.

Joel making the much-discussed cookies was a thing I did because I love when a host sketch includes some unnecessary but visually appealing bit of business. Think of it as the Jiffy-Pop stuff in Eegah!, which might have been my most explicit model. Putting the tray under the desk and immediately pulling out a tray of baked cookies feels true to the show to me. My recollection is I worked out the riffs so that Crow and Tom Servo owed each other the same number of cookies, but what am I going to do, check my work? Someone else can do that. (They won’t.)

Next week: who knows?

March Pairwise Brackety Contest Thing: Spice Racks versus Singing

Spice Racks

The Case For: Orderly place to keep your lifetime supply of eight bay leaves.

The Case Against: In addition to being an atrocity, information gathered from spices this way is filled with confabulation, and so is operationally useless.

---

Singing

The Case For: It’s like talking but with even more complicated rules!

The Case Against: Turns out nearly all songs were not authored by Joe Raposo to be sung by Muppets.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 31

Previously in Keith A—‘s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Altered Destiny? Author-turned-protagonist-turned-raccoon-named-Chris has got a computer in his arm, a guitar on his arm, and a girlfriend named Rebecca who got beaten up pretty badly during a raid on Robotropolis. With nothing to do but wait for her to recover, he’s playing the guitar.

This is the final segment of fan fiction! Next week is a host sketch to wrap things up. The entirety of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction should appear at this link. And there’ll be a couple notes at the end of this piece, too..

---

>
> Bookshire’d nearly cried when he heard that.
>Reflecting later, he figured that the song was more for him,

CROW: Since he believed he was the center of the universe anyway.

>considering its content. Anyway, sometimes Bookshire had
>him doing small chores for him,

JOEL: But he couldn’t get Chris to paint his house.

> like changing her IV bag,
>getting water, little things like that.

TOM: You know. Medical stuff.

> He thought it would
>be good if Chris got off the chair every now and then. Poor
>guy had only slept maybe four hours in the past week.

JOEL: Indirect quotations can be a good way to move a story along.

TOM: Yeah, but this is indirect narrative.

> The
>coffee cups piled around his chair were testimony to that
>fact. Every now and then other villagers would come in and
>visit, talking to Chris,

TOM: Howl at the moon a little…

> offering words of assurance, and in
>general making sure he was all right. He would constantly

CROW: Distract them by asking if they wanted to go for walkies.

>reply that he was fine, it was her that needed to be prayed
>for.

JOEL: May the spirit of Chuck Jones watch over them.

> Most of the villagers began to understand just how
>much she meant to him.

TOM: It was like the only reason she was in this story was to be his girlfriend.

JOEL: Don’t break the reality now.

>
> On the eighth day, Rebecca awoke. Well, not like that.

CROW: Actually, she stayed asleep.

>First she’d sucked in a gasping breath. Then her eyelids
>fluttered open, and the first thing she saw was her
>boyfriend,

TOM: And later she saw Chris.

> head buried in her chest, crying. "Wh-what’s
>wrong, Chris?" He raised his head

ALL: AAAH!

> and looked into her eyes.
>"Nothing. I’m just so relieved… I thought you were gone
>for good.

CROW: Uh…I already moved all my stuff into your room…

> I love you, Rebecca." Though it was a great
>effort, she raised her arm and laid it on her head. "I love
>you too, Chris.

TOM: Hey, something or other was making this awful music-like noise all week; could you find out what it is and stop it?

> Thank you for being there with me." He
>sniffled. "I promised, didn’t I?

JOEL: Yeah, just in time to have to live up to that promise, too.

> I always make good on my
>promises." Bookshire came over. "Right now, Chris, I think
>it’s best if you went home and got some sleep.

CROW: Now that there’s some emotional payoff to the vigil.

> You’ve been
>awake for a week straight. She’s fine now,

TOM: All medical problems vanish when you just wake up again.

> I can take it
>from here. Go on, you need your sleep. You can come back
>after you’ve rested."

JOEL: When she’s had the chance to slip back into unconsciousness.

>
> Chris nodded, and stood up. "I guess you’re right."

CROW: Way to keep that promise not to leave her side.

>He looked at himself. "I think I need a shower, too.

TOM: And the entire village thanks him.

>Well," he knelt down and kissed Rebecca’s forehead. "I’ll
>be back later, dear. Don’t go anywhere, okay?" She smiled.
>"I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that, honey.

CROW: "Last month some nice fellows from the National Park Service put a radio-transmitter collar on me."

> Go
>on, you look like you were up for a week." Remembering what
>Bookshire had said, she suddenly became serious.

JOEL: Hey! You’ve been awake for 179 hours and 43 minutes!

> "You were,
>weren’t you? You didn’t leave my side for a week! Dear
>Destiny,

TOM: Won’t you come out to play?

> you really meant it! Out! Leave! Get some sleep!
>I order you to sleep for two days straight!"
>
> Chris chuckled.

CROW: Would you want me to use my super-brain to psychically heal your wounds for you?

TOM: Hey!

JOEL: Yeah, cookie to Tom.

> "Allright, ‘Becca, I’ll go. Just
>promise me you’ll still be here when I’m up?"

CROW: [ As Rebecca, sharply ] "I’m not planning to flee the moment your back is turned!"

>
> "I promise. Now, go!" He turned and headed out, still
>chuckling.

JOEL: It is funny, isn’t it?

TOM: What?

JOEL: You know, the funny stuff.

> Rebecca turned to Bookshire. "He really does
>love me, doesn’t he?" Bookshire’s face grew wistful.

CROW: The term is ‘codependence.’

> "More
>than you may ever know, Rebecca. That boy would give his
>life for you. I’m sure of it."

JOEL: But what do I know?

>
>End.

CROW: Yay!

TOM: Woo-hoo!

>
>Well? What did you think?

JOEL: Too many words.

> Since it’s my first attempt at a
>fanfic,

CROW: You don’t say?

> you can be sure that they’ll get better.

TOM: We can only hope so.

> Trust me,
>a lot of hair-pulling came about as a result of trying to
>finish this story.

JOEL: You too, huh?

> Still, I think I rather did a good job.

TOM: In a very restricted sense of the word ‘good,’ but…

>
>Questions?

CROW: Why does "Sonic the Hedgehog" get all these fanfics?

> Comments? Flames? Movie contracts?

TOM: The tragic thing is it’s too well written to become a movie these days.

> Job
>offers?

CROW: We’ll get back to you.

> E-mail me at bA—@ix.netcom.com.
>

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] We’ll keep that in mind.

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ To conclude … ]

---

Please don’t cut yourself on my razor-sharp indictment of movies these days 25 years ago. Not sure anything else needs explaining … oh, well, “codependency” it turns out isn’t a thing. It doesn’t have a clear definition or scientific research showing it exists and it’s never been recognized as a psychological disorder and when you consider some of the stuff that was, wow. If word of this leaks to Mary Worth the world will never be the same!

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 30

Last week in Keith A—‘s ‘Altered Destiny author-turned-raccoon Chris P had rescued kinda-girlfriend Rebecca Raccoon from the torture Dr Robotnik inflicted off-screen. He’s rushed her back to Knothole Village with the best medical care the cast of one of the 90s Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons can offer, but what is there to do?

One thing you could do is read the entire MiSTing of Altered Destiny at this link, or let me know if a segment is missing. I mean segments that have been published; there’s still a couple weeks left. As usual, though, I’ll explain riffs that need explanation after this week’s installment.

---

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Well, Chris, she’s been beaten pretty badly.

CROW: Thanks for the bulletin, Hawkeye.

> She’s
>weak from loss of blood, and has sustained a major
>concussion. But I think she’ll live.

JOEL: But keep in mind my specialty is light carpentry, not traumatic injuries.

> Still, we’ll just
>have to trust to time to take care of that."

TOM: Since we never discovered medicine on this planet.

> Bookshire laid
>a hand on his friend’s shoulder. "I think you need some
>rest. Go on back home, and let me handle this.

CROW: I have ages of experience in licking wounds.

>
> Chris pulled back. "No. I told her I’d never leave
>her side, and I mean to keep that promise.

TOM: Uhm…except for bathroom breaks.

> I’ll watch over
>her until she gets better. She will recover, Doc. She has
>to.

JOEL: She’s a major character.

> She’s got too much life to…" He broke down and began
>to cry. "Hold on, Becky, please hold on."

CROW: "We promised someday we were going to have a conversation where you said more than three sentences."

> He pulled up a
>chair, and began his vigil, tears still streaming from his
>eyes.

JOEL: Come on down to Hospice 6; and we’ll leave the lights on for you.

>
>* * * * *
>
> A week had passed.

TOM: Yeah, story felt about that long.

> Rebecca still showed no signs of
>progress. Chris, as he promised, didn’t leave her side fro
>the entire week.

CROW: Leaving unattended his critical duties like…uh…

> In fact, he was beginning to look
>something like the haggard horror Sally had talked to before
>his transformation. But he didn’t care.

JOEL: He was a rebel without the paws.

> All that mattered
>was her. He’d talk to her sometimes, telling her stories
>from his world.

TOM: "There was the time I had this weird dream-conversation and ended up in the Pac-Man cartoon…and the time I ended up in the Q*Bert cartoon…and the time I ended up in Bucky O’Hare…"

> Other times, he’d sing to her. One song in
>particular lingered in Bookshire’s mind.

CROW: Tragically, it was "MacArthur Park."

> Chris’d called it
>"My Little Man."

JOEL: Another musical number?

TOM: Great, it’s become "West Mobius Story."

>
>Don’t you know I love you more than life itself,

JOEL: Or even life with chocolate sauce on top.

>Don’t you know that you’re my pride,
>And I would not have you walking through thits earth,
>Without me by your side,

TOM: But they’re not on Earth.

>
>Go to sleep, my little man.
>Don’t you weep, my little man.

CROW: Chris does know that Rebecca’s a woman, right?

JOEL: Yeah, he just liked the song is all.

CROW: Oh.

>
>I’d like to keep you with me all your life,
>But I know I can’t do that.

TOM: Not since you got that writ from the court.

>So I must try teaching you the wrong from right,
>To keep the vultures from your back.

CROW: The secret is, have somebody else a lot worse off near you.

>
>Go to sleep, my little man,
>Don’t you weep, my little man.

JOEL: Never peep, my little man.

>
>And when you’re dreaming,
>You can talk to angels,

TOM: But make sure you ask mommy or daddy first before talking to strange angels.

>So wipe the tears from your eyes.
>And when there’s demons,
>Who try to steal your breath away,

CROW: They can be real bummers.

>You can’t believe that,
>Know my spirit will be standing by your side.

JOEL: That is pretty unbelievable.

>
>You saved me, you gave me,
>The greatest gift of all,

TOM: Fifteen hundred dollars.

>Believe me, believe me,

CROW: I don’t believe you.

>There ain’t no mountain that’s too tall.
>
>I would gladly carry your cross for you,
>To take your pain away.

TOM: It’s easier to "Nupe It," though.

>But what I can’t carry is my love for you
>Beyond my dying day,

JOEL: ‘Cause, you know, I’d be dead and all.

>
>So be strong, my little man,

CROW: Silly song, my little man.

>When I’m gone, my little man.

JOEL: Read this palm, my little man.

>You got to be my little man.

TOM: Summary, my little man.

>Go to sleep, my little man.

JOEL: Mail a jeep, my little man.

>Don’t you weep, my little man.

TOM: Fundraise for CREEP, my little man.

>You got to be my little man.

CROW: Shaving cream, my little man.

>So don’t you weep, my little man.

TOM: Soup of plomeek, my little man.

[ To continue … ]

---

In retrospect, I feel my riff about someday having a conversation with Rebecca that lasts more than three sentences is fair. They had scenes that went longer, yes, but not so much as to learn about Rebecca. (Who, to be fair again, might have been an already-established character, in other fan fiction if not in the show, so she may have needed less attention.) I don’t know why I referred to it as tragic to have “MacArthur Park” lingering in the mind. Maybe my tastes were different then.

West Side Story is not so overstuffed with musical numbers as to make that riff make logical sense. But it’s a title that takes the place name well enough. Better might have been West Sonic Story, except Sonic is too small a player this story to support the riff. There’s probably a better musical to slot a Sonic or Mobius or something into.

Tom’s line about the greatest gift of all being fifteen hundred dollars is lifted from the episode of Taxi where Latka and Simka want to get married, but have to answer the priest’s questions first, including what the greatest gift of all is. Simka offered the $1500 and was correct and I’m coming to see that as a pretty good answer, really. Like, there’s nobody you know whose life wouldn’t be made much better if you gave them $1500 right now. But it’s a modest enough amount that they could plausibly pay you back, so your relationship stays balanced.

Tom’s riff about being easier to “Nupe It” references a painkiller advertisement of the 90s that I suppose has to have been for Nuprin, which I only today realize was a name riffing on “new aspirin”. “CREEP” references Richard Nixon’s 1972 Campaign to Reelect the President, which was in the news back a ways for something or other. Plomeek soup is a Star Trek thing.

I don’t know why it’s only Tom Servo riffs that needed explaining this time. The assignment of riffs is approximately random but sometimes some line sounds better in his voice than another Brain’s.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 29

Recently in Altered Destiny, author-turned-cyborg-raccoon Chris Petrucci had gone on one of those raids of Robotropolis that Sonic the Hedgehog characters are always doing in fan fiction. But! He and Rebecca are captured by the evil Robotnik’s evil forces of evil! Is there any hope of getting help when all they have on their side is Chris’s ability to telepathically command his arm computer to call for help?

The whole of my 1997-era Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of Altered Destiny should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
>* * * * *
>
> Sally was just about to go on her walk when NICOLE
>beeped.

JOEL: You’ve got mail!

> "Message, Sally." She pressed a button, and heard
>Sasha’s voice. "SALLY, CHRIS AND REBECCA HAVE BEEN CAPTURED
>AND TAKEN TO ROBOTROPOLIS.

TOM: [ As Sally ] YES!

> DON’T WORRY ABOUT THEM FOR NOW,
>AS YOU SEEM TO HAVE AN ENTIRE PATROL ABOUT 5KM AWAY FROM
>KNOTHOLE. THIS SITUATION SHOULD BE DEALT WITH FIRST.

CROW: So, they’re not that near, and they’re going away, and
this is a priority?

> SASHA
>OUT." Sally gasped as she realized the implications of what
>Sasha had said.

TOM: We got rid of both of them! Yay!

JOEL: Don’t be mean.

> "Sonic, get everyone out of here, now.
>Take them to the shelter in the Great Jungle.

CROW: Yeah, that’ll keep them safe indefinitely.

> We have a
>serious problem."
>
>* * * * *
>
> "So, now, what do we have here?" Chris and Rebecca
>were locked in a cell in Robotropolis, and Snively was
>pacing outside, leering.

JOEL: Careful, Snively, you’ve captured the protagonist-slash-
author.

> "Mind telling me who you two are,
>hmmm?"
>
> Chris gave Snively

TOM: An affectionate noogie.

> an evil smile that could have
>matched Robotnik. "Come here, and I’ll tell you." Snively
>bent forward.

JOEL: You know, I’d say the writer was making the villains
particularly dumb, but this isn’t out of character for
Snively, is it?

> Chris hissed in his ear. "If you enjoy the
>feeling of a beating heart,

TOM: Beating hearts are the hot trend this spring.

> don’t move until I am a bad
>memory." Snively practically screamed as he remembered
>where he had last heard that voice. "YOU!!! You’re the
>human!"

CROW: You’d think his height and the large computer growing out
of his arm would have been clues.

> He dashed off down the hall, calling for Robotnik.

JOEL: Mommy!

CROW: Mommy mommy mommy!

TOM: Waaaah!

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Well, now, it seems you gave my assistant quite a
>scare.

CROW: Of course, the villains on "My Little Pony" give
him a bigger scare.

> So, you are the mysterious human who dared to aid
>the Freedom Fighters."
>
> "Sorry, fat-[ bleep ], you got me pegged wrong. The human
>died in the Forest a couple months ago. Real nasty, too.

TOM: He started chewing on a power line and…

>I’m just the part of him who still has business on this
>planet."
>
> Robotnik leaned back in his chair, steepling his
>fingers and putting them against his chins. "So you say."

JOEL: He would, wouldn’t he?

>He gestured towards Sasha. "That’s a pretty piece of
>hardware, boy. Mind telling me where you got that?"

CROW: The Tamagotchi fad extends to parallel universes.

>
> "Matter of fact, I do mind. In fact, now that I think
>about it, I don’t like this place much. I KNOW I’m tired of
>looking at you and trying to figure out just how many chins
>you have.

JOEL: Aw, why don’t you two stop teasing and kiss already?

> Y’r needle-nosed buddy over there’s not very
>scintillating conversation, either." He stuffed his hands
>in his pockets.

CROW: Now who wants a tic-tac?

> "Now, chummer, way I see it, you got two
>options. One, you let Rebecca and I go, and we walk back to
>Knothole, without you following us."

TOM: Two, we form a lacrosse team.

>
> "Now, you know I can’t do that. So, what’s the other
>option?"

JOEL: For an agent of pure evil he’s certainly being considerate
about all this.

>
> "I detonate this." Sasha flashes a data display on
>hologram.

CROW: That clears everything up.

> "This is my own little piece of programming,
>something that I set into your computer when I first got
>here.

TOM: It’s called "Spaceward Ho!" and it’s really cool.

> I call it a Data Nuke. Ever throw a stick of
>dynamite into a pool of water when you were a kid?" He saw
>by Robotnik’s sudden pale complexion that he had.

JOEL: Just ’cause he’s evil doesn’t mean he’s not bashful.

> "That’s
>what’ll happen to alla files in your Roboticizer.

CROW: They’ll be attacked by a metaphor.

> Oh, and
>it’s called a nuke ’cause it’ll spread worm viruses through
>your computer like it was the common cold. Now, what’s your
>say?"

TOM: Doesn’t that make it more of a Data Sneeze, then?

>
> "I say you’re bluffing. You didn’t add anything into
>my core. No one can type that fast."

JOEL: Robotnik’s clearly never seen people on a MUD.

>
> "Who says I typed? Thanks to my little bud here, I can
>jack directly into your net.

CROW: Is this supposed to be tied to the "Death Egg" again?

> Gloomy place, too, I might
>add.

TOM: I spruced up some of the web page backgrounds, but *still*…

> Anyway, I could set it off if you’d like to prove I’m
>not lying.

CROW: Thereby destroying any reason Robotnik might have to not
shoot Chris.

> Oh, yeah and don’t delete it, ’cause if it
>detects any attempt to screw with it’s code, it’ll go off.

JOEL: It’s really touchy.

>Now, can I go?"
>
> "I see you’ve given me no choice.

TOM: Seeing as how you never outlined a second course of action
for me.

> You two may go.

CROW: But I’m not validating your parking. So there!

>But, be warned, this is the last time I’ll ever let you off
>this easily." Ivo was turning an interesting shade of
>purple.

JOEL: Another strange interlude…

>
> Chris smirked. "Who says I will, too? You’ve just
>used up your credit, mi amigo.

TOM: Chris, honey, don’t push. You’re just going to make trouble
when you’re almost out of this story.

> Next time I see you, you’ll
>be begging to be put into Sally’s hands, ’cause I ain’t
>gonna be as forgiving as they will. Ta!"

JOEL: Let’s do lunch sometime. Have your computer call my
computer.

>
> As he walked down to the prison compound to collect
>Rebecca, he felt a faint twinge in the back of his mind.

CROW: Des? That you?

> It
>wasn’t much, but it was enough to tell that something was
>not right.

TOM: He was used to these sudden flashes of insight, since
he was the author.

> He dashed to their cell as fast as he could.
>When he got there, all he could do was stare.

JOEL: They redecorated!

> There was
>Rebecca, lying on the floor, bruised, beaten, bloody, but,
>mercifully, unconscious.

CROW: She *had* to try to cross the highway and look what happened.

> He screamed. "NOOOOOOOO!!!! WHAT
>DID YOU DO TO HER, YOU BASTARD?!?!" He knelt, and picked
>her body up.

TOM: "Oh, hi, Chris, hey, I found this neat makeup kit to fake
all sorts of injuries, want to play too?"

> Slamming down the intercom button, he growled.
>"I’m leaving now, but, so help me, you will pay for this.

JOEL: Normally Worker’s Comp would pick up the cost but they were
technically off-duty when they got captured.

>You will pay dearly. I promise this with all my heart and
>soul."

CROW: My acorn will crush yours!

> He turned, and ran out of Robotropolis.
>
> He was met halfway by Sonic and Sally.

TOM: These two are really effective heroes, aren’t they?

> They saw who he
>had in his arms, looked at his face, and guessed the rest.
>He was crying his eyes out. "G-g-et her <huck> back, quick.

JOEL: She’s not complete without her huck.

>Sh-sh-she <sob> needs help… h-hu-hurry, please." Sonic
>took Rebecca in his arms,

CROW: Gave her some aluminum foil to cheer her up…

> and dashed out of sight, with
>everyone else in tow.

TOM: So, they were in sight, still.

[ To continue … ]

---

This time around, I believe the only thing that needs explaining is why so many riffs indicate I wasn’t paying attention. Like, Crow’s line about “they’re not that near, and they’re going away”? That’s not reflecting anything in-story. Tom’s riff saying “you never outlined a second course of action for me” is a fine joke except it comes right after Chris’s laying out of the second course of action, and I even had Tom riff on that second-ness, with “Two, we form a lacrosse team”. I have no explanation for my sloppiness here. I’m going to suppose I wrote these riffs in separate writing sessions from the text that went before, so that I was missing context. At this remove I don’t know. But neither my test-readers nor Keith A—, whom I gave a pre-publication read and chance to veto any unfair jokes, raised any complaints. So I guess I got away with it.

What I should have riffed on, but didn’t, is how Sasha’s message starting “SALLY, CHRIS AND REBECCA HAVE BEEN CAPTURED” makes Sally sound like one of the captives. That could have made for a good runner and made it sound like I was paying good attention. Ah well.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 28

While you wait for Comics Kingdom to un-screw-up any, absolutely any, part of its redesign, why not enjoy another segment of Keith A—‘s late-90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Altered Destiny? In the previous segment of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfic based on it, Keith A— had taken on a new identity as the raccoon Chris Petrucci, and had sung at his own funeral and everything. Now it’s on to a happy life as one of a tiny band of survivors always having fanfic authors popping in on them.

The whole MiSTing of Altered Destiny should appear at this link. I’ll explain what needs explaining at the end of all this.

---

>Chapter 7: The Power of Love

TOM: He’s only got a 30 Watt love.

>
> When the ten days of mourning were over,

CROW: That’s eight days more than ‘Keith’ spent with them.

> Chris and
>Rebecca planned a little picnic, just the two of them.

TOM: Plus their intestinal parasites.

>They’d gathered a few things together, and walked out into
>the forest, looking for a suitable spot.

JOEL: Okay, you distract the Boy Scouts and I’ll grab their backpacks.

> During their walk,
>they were chatting about a lot of things.

TOM: "Well, my tastes are kind of eclectic."

CROW: "Hey, cool, I collect stuff too."

>
> "So, Chris, just what is your definition of love?"

JOEL: They went into the forest for marriage counseling?

>
> Rebecca could tell by the way he stammered and thought
>that he hadn’t really been able to think about it.

TOM: Even though he had devoted large sectors of his super-brain
to the puzzle.

CROW: Hah! Another one!

TOM: Stop that!

> "Ummmm,
>well, I guess my definition of love is… [ bleep ], I had it
>just a second ago… uhhh…

JOEL: Twelve!

CROW: Abraham Lincoln!

TOM: "Tess Of The D’Ubervilles!"

> Geez, Becky, why’re you asking
>me this? Okay, I guess that when I’m in love, I’m happy
>just being near a person, sharing my life with them.

CROW: [ Leaning against JOEL ] Ah, love.

JOEL: [ Putting his arm around CROW ] Yeah.

> For
>me, there is no greater happiness than being able to open
>your heart to someone."

TOM: [ Leaning against JOEL ] This is so sweet.

JOEL: [ Putting his arm around TOM ] It is, it is.

>
> "And is this what you feel for me?" Rebecca took his
>hand in hers.

CROW: Actually, I just want to learn that trick where you catch fish without even looking in the water.

>
> Chris looked into her eyes, and smiled. "All that and
>more, my dear.

ALL: [ Sigh contentedly ]

> You have no idea how much simply being
>around you affects me."

TOM: You almost make me forget my exile to this refugee from the Saturday Supercade.

> She kissed him quickly.

CROW: Joel, kiss me.

JOEL: No.

TOM: Or me?

JOEL: Not you either.
[ CROW, TOM pull away ]

CROW: Well, you’re a wet blanket.

TOM: Yeah. And your breath stinks.

JOEL: Sor-ry.

> "Glad to
>hear it. This looks like a good spot." They laid out the
>blanket, set out the food, and began to eat.

JOEL: Mmm, pass the termites, please?

CROW: Not ’till you give me the black ants.

TOM: Hey, I’ve been gnawing on tree bark for ten minutes here!

> They were
>still chatting about things when Chris heard a sound off in
>the distance.

CROW: Okay, be quiet and maybe the subplot won’t notice us.

> It sounded like a brach snapping.

TOM: Brach goes wild, attackes Space Ghost and Zorak, then stops suddenly when they threaten to noogie him.

> Straining
>harder, he could hear the thump of metallic feet. Rebecca
>noticed his sudden distraction.

JOEL: With sharp senses like that, you have to wonder why Rebecca wasn’t in the elite core of the Freedom Fighters.

> "Chris? What’s…" She
>was silenced by a finger on her lips.

TOM: Aw, they’re just adorable when they’re being ambushed.

> "I think I heard
>SWATbots," he hissed into her ear, "I’m’a go check it out."

CROW: He’s speaking Hawaiian now?

>He’d started to get up, when a hand clasped his arm. "Not
>without me, you’re not." He nodded. "Fine. Let’s go."

JOEL: This way they have a much better chance of both being captured and executed.

>
> They’d crept through the underbrush for a while now,
>trying to see just what was going on.

TOM: Admit it! We’re lost!

CROW: We are not! We just have to get back on the Interstate.

> Chris parted a bush,
>and saw. A SWAT patrol was marching through the forest,
>looking for Knothole.

TOM: Oooh…

CROW: Aaaah…

JOEL: Shinies!

> Problem was, they were just about to
>find it. They couldn’t have been more than 50 meters from
>the village.

CROW: Fortunately, they were all so drunk they couldn’t find their hands.

> "How many?" Rebecca looked nervous. Chris
>scratched "20" in the dirt with his tail.

JOEL: And if the Mobians used Arabic numerals, that would answer her question.

> They moved back
>to get their bearings. "Chris, what are we going to do?"
>
> "I don’t know, Becky. I can contact Nicole, and have
>her tell Sally what’s going on. P’raps Sonic’ll get here in
>time."

TOM: See, he’s the fastest thing alive, but only for the first 49 meters.

>
> "And if not?" Chris looked back at his love.

CROW: Then we’d have to do something.

> "Pray
>that he does. Meantime, we’ll have to try to distract them
>before they stumble onto Knothole."
>
> "Like what?" "Dunno. But we don’t have time to
>discuss it."

JOEL: Planning a guerilla action just slows you down.

> It would have been nice if they’d paid more
>attention to where they were, ’cause they found themselves
>faces-to-face with the business end of a stun blaster.

CROW: Oh oh oh ooh, pootertoots.

>Chris and ‘Becca both let out a small, surprised "eep"
>before they were hauled to their feet, and off them. The
>SWAT droned its find to HQ.

TOM: "The Freedom Fighters have mixed Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew in one new beverage."

> "SWAT PATROL GAMMA-OMEGA-7 HAS
>CAPTURED TWO UNIDENTIFIED FREEDOM FIGHTERS. REQUEST ORDERS."

JOEL: "Bring them to a critically important place and leave them unguarded until the end of the chapter."

>A high-pitched, nasal voice whined, "Take two of your patrol
>and have them brought back to me. The rest of you, continue
>your mission."

CROW: But their mission to nudge the plot in some random direction *is* done.

> "CONFIRMED." As they were shoved onto the
>transport,

JOEL: Hiya, Threepio!

TOM: Hello, Chris.

JOEL: Heya, Artoo!

CROW: Bwee-urp!

> Chris secretly flipped on the mental
>communication node, and ordered Sasha to contact NICOLE and
>tell Sally what had transpired.

TOM: Following this brief mental contact he was shocked to find himself lusting for a Gemini-Titan rocket.

[ To continue … ]

---

The line about “Hey, cool, I collect stuff too” is a hopelessly narrow joke. One time the humor pages in my undergrad, unread leftist student weekly included a sketch about a clueless guy not aware the woman he was talking to was not interested. When he tries to draw out her interests she “my tastes are kind of eclectic” and he answers, “Cool, I collect stuff too”, and that’s why that makes sense to me and me alone. I remember it as a funny essay.

The Saturday Supercade was a Saturday morning cartoon block of the early 80s with cartoons based on characters who didn’t have the depth or charisma to support a series on their own the way Pac-Man could. I still have the theme song running in my head four decades later but don’t remember anything any of the characters ever did.

While reading my riffs for things that needed editing, I noticed the ‘Brach’ and thought how could I spell Brak’s name that badly? I was all set to change that when it turned out I was doing a riff on a misspelling of the original story. I tended not to do those unless the misspelling was really exciting.

Way back when I riffed this the construction `I’m a go’ was new to me, but bear in mind, it was 1997 and I am not cool.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 27

Author-protagonist Keith A— is dead! Or so a raccoon calling himself Chris Petrucci tells the Knothole Villagers and the cast of one of the 90s Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons! As the villagers mourn the human who entered their lives, taught them a little something about prejudice, snagged a computer into his arm, and left, Chris takes out his guitar …

I hope you’re enjoying this 1997-era Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of mine, based on my friend Keith A—‘s own Sonic fan fiction. The whole of the MiSTing of Altered Destiny should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

> After a few
>measures, Chris closed his eyes and began to sing.
>
>He seems alone and tired,

JOEL: But he has a rich private life.

>Thoughts remain without an answer.
>Afraid and uninvited,
>He slowly drifts away.

TOM: You’re sure you dropped anchor, right?

CROW: Positive!

>Moved by desire and fear,
>Breaking delicate wings.

JOEL: [ As a mother ] Are you kids breaking delicate wings down
there?

CROW, TOM: No, Mom!

>
>Lifting shadows
>Off a dream once broken,
>She can turn a drop of water
>Into an ocean

CROW: She just will not let stuff drop. Always builds it into
bigger and bigger stuff.

>
> The music continued, slow and sorrowful, but then it
>hardened and became the sounds of unbearable heartbreak.

CROW: Crack!

JOEL: [ As a mother ] Now are you kids breaking unbearable hearts?

CROW, TOM: No, Mom!

>
>As the rain is pouring down,
>Tears of sorrow wash his mind.
>Drifting with the current,
>The stream of life flows on.

TOM: Daylight come an’ me wan’ go home.

>He seems alone and tired,
>Waiting on his hands and knees,
>The chill of winter’s darkness,
>Sits quietly.

CROW: In a land called Honalee!

>
>Moved by desire and fear,
>He takes a few steps away.
>
>Lifting shadows off a dream
>Once broken.

JOEL: [ As a mother ] Now are you two breaking shadows again?

CROW, TOM: No, Mom! No!

JOEL: We just can’t have good dream here, can we?

>She can turn a drop of water
>Into an ocean.

JOEL: She can turn meat loaf and vegetables into a startlingly
good casserole.

>And she listens openly
>
> Now the music, though still a bit heavy, told of
>comfort, solace. The music seemed to carry Chris’ mind to
>the farthest corners of his imagination, where he actually
>experienced it as if the music was a living, breathing
>thing.

JOEL: Meanwhile, Bookshire gets the syringe ready again.

>
>He pours his soul into the water,
>Reflecting the mystery.
>She carries him away,

TOM: She has to do everything. He is *so* lazy.

>And the winds die slowly.
>
>Lifting shadows off a dream once broken,
>She can turn a drop of water
>Into an ocean.

TOM: Yet even she cannot tell a cabbage from a lettuce.

>
> He suddenly reared his head back, singing at the top of
>his voice.
>
>Lifting shadows off a dream,
>Lifting shadows off a dream.

JOEL: [ As Sally ] Nudge the human, he’s stuck again.

>
> He lowered his head again, and let the music swirl to a
>halt. When it was done, he looked up, and saw that most of
>the attendees were crying, or ready to.

TOM: Please, stop!

CROW: Sob! We’re music lovers here!

> "Now, for the
>goodbye note.

CROW: Goodbye………..

JOEL: Goodbye…….

TOM: Goodbye…

ALL: Goodbye!

> You’ll have to ask Antoine for a translation
>of the chorus. It’s called ‘A Tout le Monde.’ Sasha?"

TOM: It means "A toot of the mound."

>
>Don’t remember where I was,
>I realized life was a game.
>The more seriously I took things,
>The harder the rules became.

JOEL: Yeah, "Civilization II" is a challenge.

>I had no idea what it cost,
>My life passed before my eyes.

CROW: And it turns out I spent my life thinking about video games.

>I found out how little I accomplished,
>All my plans denied.
>
> Suddenly, the mood went from a slow requiem to a hard,
>throbbing, pulse-metal sound. Chris’ face twisted in
>uncontrolled pain and rage.

TOM: Shouldn’t have turned the volume up past seven.

>
>So as you read this, know, my friends,
>I’d love to stay with you all,

JOEL: But I’ve got to be in Utica by eight p.m. tonight.

>Smile when you think of me,
>My body’s gone, that’s all.

CROW: And what do you need a body for, really?

>
>A tout le monde,
>A tout les amis,

TOM: The new Visit Quebec advertisements are chugging along nicely.

>Je vous aime,
>Je dois partir.

CROW: Tish!

JOEL: Gomez!

>
>These are the last words I’ll ever speak.
>And they’ll set me free.

TOM: So is the story over?

>
>If my heart were still alive,
>I know it would surely break.
>And the memories left with you,
>There’s nothing more to say.

JOEL: So, uh, goodnight.

>Moving on, is a simple thing.
>What it leaves behind is hard.

CROW: This little greasy residue in the sink. It’s gross.

>You kow the sleeping feel no more pain,
>And the living, are scarred.
>
>A tout le monde,

JOEL: D’Avignon! L’on y danse, L’on y danse.

>A tout les amis,
>Je vous aime,
>Je dois partir.
>
>These are the last words I’ll ever speak,

TOM: Again.

>And they’ll set me free.
>
> The next line of chords, though still grating, were set
>in a way that gave some small amount of comfort to the
>heartbroken masses. Then, it spiraled down into the requiem
>it began as, and died out.

CROW: Uhm…Chris, I’m sorry, the microphone wasn’t on, could you
do that again?

>
> Tears were streaming from his eyes as Chris walked over
>to the grave,

JOEL: See, Bugs has tricked Elmer Fudd into climbing down in there.

> threw his handful of dirt on, and walked into
>the hut.

CROW: Bonk!

>
> Rotor went over to Antoine, who had tears in his eyes.

TOM: And eyes in his tears, strangely enough.

>"What was that part in the chorus, Ant?"
>
> Antoine, turned and stared at his walrus friend.

JOEL: Hey, you know the eggman?

> "Zat,
>my friend, is zee saddest sing I have evair heard.

CROW: [ Snicker ]

JOEL: [ Giggles ] Some writers just shouldn’t try dialects.

TOM: [ As Antoine ] "Of course I’m violently allergic to music."

> He said,
>’To evaireebody, to all my friends, I love you, I have to
>leave.’" Antoine suddenly broke down crying.

CROW: Massive wimp theater.

>
> "Man, Sal, I’ve never seen anyone so broken up over a
>funeral before.

TOM: But then I have no emotional life of my own.

> Not even you were that bad when…" Sonic
>trailed off as the emotions became too much for even him to
>bear.

CROW: Emote emote emote emote emote.

JOEL: Stop, it’s too much to bear.

> Sally put a hand on his shoulder. "I can understand,
>Sonic. I mean, my mother was dear to me,

TOM: In both of the conversations we ever had.

> and I miss her
>very much. But what do you think it feels like to attend
>your own funeral?"

CROW: That’d be kind of cool, actually.

>

[ To continue … ]

---

The riff about “cannot tell a cabbage from a lettuce” is from The Electric Company, where it was one of those odd yet lovable songs probably by Joe Raposo. I want some admiration for my skill at remembering stuff here because in 1997 you just couldn’t see The Electric Company. I had to have like a quarter of the song lodged in my brain for almost two decades at that point. The cabbage and lettuce thing became one of my running joke riffs and I don’t remember when or why I stopped.

The “L’on y danse, l’on y danse” thing comes from one of over four things I remember from middle and high school French classes, that there’s a song which starts “sur le pont d’Avignon, l’on y danse, l’on y danse”. It’s a song about dancing on the bridge at Avignon. We did not in fact dance in class.

Bugs Bunny tricks Elmer into climbing into a grave in the 1944 Bob Clampett cartoon The Old Gray Hare. If you’re not sure you remember the circumstances, imagine Bugs shouting “SO LONG, METHUSELAH!” and you’ve got it.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 26

Author-protagonist Keith A—, transported to the world of Sonic the Hedgehog and with a computer grafted to his arm, has disappeared! But weeks later, a raccoon calling himself Christopher Petrucci appears in Knothole Village, and he’s brought his guitar! What happens next? Find out in this week’s installment of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of Keith A—‘s fan fiction, fresh to you from the forgotten year of 1997.

And if you’d like to read the whole MiSTing of Altered Destiny please check out this link. If you’d like me to explain or apologize for any of the riffs in this, check out the end of this segment.

---

>
>* * * * *
>
> That night, Chris and Rebecca were sitting on the same
>rock by Starlight Pond, side by side, gazing at the crystal
>waters.

TOM: Talk about hard water.

> Chris was the first to break the silence. "I’m
>sorry I scared you all like that. Especially you, Becky."

CROW: Aw, we didn’t think about you at all, silly.

>
> "Just what were you doing in your room, anyway? What
>was up with all that singing?" Keith sighed.

TOM: Again, he’s at the age where that sort of thing will happen.

> "Have you
>ever felt something really deeply, but had no way to put it
>into words?" Rebecca nodded. "Well, that’s what the songs
>were for.

JOEL: He couldn’t think of words, so he composed a whole bunch
of words and made them match up in meter and rhyme with
songs.

> I had to get my pain out into the open, and,
>well, I guess I just lost myself. It really helped me deal
>with my problems, though, so it wasn’t all bad."

CROW: He understands the quadratic formula now.

> They were
>silent for some time, and suddenly Rebecca hugged him tight.
>"Just promise you’ll never leave me."

JOEL: This story is just dozens of epilogues leaning against
each other.

> Chris hugged her
>back, just as tightly. "I promise. I’ll never leave your
>side until the end of time." Rebecca looked into his eyes.

TOM: Ding ding ding ding ding! We *have* deadmeat!

>"I love you, Chris. More than anything else on Mobius, I
>love you."

JOEL: "Course, I hate Mobius."

>
> "And I love you, Rebecca. Thank you for showing me
>what love truly is."

CROW: In the scenes we didn’t get to see.

> They spent the rest of the night that
>way, locked in a loving embrace, gazing at the twin moons of
>Mobius.

TOM: You know, it looks like there’s two moons, but actually
it’s just the ‘inside’ and ‘outside’ of the same moon.

>
>* * * * *
>
> The people of Knothole found it much easier to accept

>Keith (sorry, Chris : )

CROW: Sorry, Pete.

JOEL: Sorry, Ed.

TOM: Sorry, Stu.

CROW: Sorry, Alan.

TOM: Sorry, Gene.

JOEL: Sorry, Wally.

> now that he didn’t constantly remind
>them of how much humans had done to them. In fact, they
>started to like him.

TOM: Well, they liked his collection of Milk-Bones, anyway.

> He had become a thorn in Robotnik’s
>ample side more times then he could count.

CROW: Four times?

> But the real
>test of his mettle came during the funeral.
>
> He had placed everything he had owned in his former
>life in a small box,

JOEL: Yeah, what does he need with underwear anyway?

> wrapped it in the shirt he had worn,
>and carried it to the chosen gravesite. It was right next
>to Queen Acorn’s grave.

ALL: [ Snicker ]

CROW: So, like, would Queen Acorn’s royal theater company be a
group of ‘Acornion Players’?

> "Now you’ve got someone to talk to,
>Mother," Sally said, tears in her eyes, as she laid the box
>down.

TOM: A dull person who isn’t really dead, but still someone.

> Into the scene walked Chris, wrapped in a voluminous
>black cloak. As he unfolded his hands from beneath it, all
>could see

TOM: He was flashing them.

> the bakhat he had around his waist, the Mobian
>sign for mourning. He looked around.
>
> "I know it’s your custom to sing a Mobian ballad at
>your funerals,

CROW: They tried singing Hopi Indian ballads, but somehow that
never caught on at the planet Mobius.

> but none seemed right, none could tell this
>boy’s story so well as these next two songs can.

JOEL: The haunting theme from "One Day at a Time," followed by a
Diet Coke jingle from 1986.

> One is a
>look into his heart, the next are his last words."

TOM: Ah-hem. "Nah, if the cliff wasn’t stable they would put up
a siiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…."

> He
>looked down at his computer. "Sasha, please play ‘Lifting
>Shadows off a Dream,’ minus the vocals."
>
> The bass line came first, the sound of water dripping
>into a small pool.

JOEL: Oh, great, now the whole village is going to feel like
going to the bathroom.

> A few notes plucked out on a guitar told
>of a wind blowing across the scene, and the synthesizer
>wrapped the whole thing together with a beauty that brought
>tears to the eyes of the hardiest souls.

CROW: Aw, lookie, Ted Koppel is sobbing.

[ To continue … ]

---

More old sitcom themes get a mention this week. I kind of remember the theme to One Day at a Time, which went: “One day at a time / one day at a time / one day at a time / one day at a ti-iii-iiiiii-iii-iiii-ime”. Look, there were only three networks back then.

Not sure whether I’m more sorry that I spotted this right away or that I did this in the first place. In that whole sorry, Pete, sorry, Ed/ Sorry, Stu exchange? The names are all from the lesser-known Apollo astronauts. I guess I understand why everybody treated me like that in middle school.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 25

Last time in my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction was a host sketch that didn’t have much to do with anything. So never mind that. Previously in the Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Altered Destiny, author-protagonist Keith A— bade farewell to Sally Acorn and went off to the woods to deal with ears. And now, who or what will we find return? Hint: a lot of TV show theme songs for some reason.

The whole of the MiSTing of Altered Destiny should be at this link. After this, I’ll try to explain anything needing that sort of thing.

---

[ ALL settle back in ]

>
>* * * * *
>
> The next morning, the entire village was gathered to
>the eastern border of the town.

CROW: Which was about twenty feet from the western border of town.

> Apparently, there were some
>strange sounds floating over the treetops. It was faint at
>first, but gradually grew louder. It sounded like music!

TOM: Would somebody get the Beatles off the roof, *please*?

>When she heard the voice, Sally’s heart leaped to her
>throat. It couldn’t be! But the singing continued.

JOEL: "Somebody want to turn the human down?"

>
>And the road becomes my bride.
>I have stripped of all but pride,
>So in her I do confide,
>And she keeps me satisfied.

CROW: This isn’t a very good "Underdog" episode.

>Gives me all I need.
>And with dust in throat I crave.

TOM: Oh, and give me a dollar, too.

>Only knowledge will I save.
>To the game you stay a slave.
>Rover Wanderer
>Nomad Vagabond

JOEL: These were early concepts for naming Star Trek: Voyager.

>Call me what you will, yeah.

CROW: Hey, thanks, "Binky."

>
>But I’ll take my time anywhere.
>Free to speak my mind anywhere.

TOM: See, the Internet has trained people to think of free speech
as a blunt instrument.

>And I’ll redefine anywhere,
>Anywhere I roam,
>Where I lay my head is home, yeah.

JOEL: Well, also where I keep my aspirin collection too.

>
>And the earth becomes my throne.
>I adapt to the unknown.
>Under wandering stars I’ve grown.
>By myself but not alone,

CROW: I think this is the theme song to some Japanese animation.

TOM: I think this is the theme song to *all* Japanese animation.

>I ask no one.
>And my ties are severed clean.
>Less I have, the more I gain.

JOEL: [ Theme of "Valerie/Valerie’s Family/The Hogan Family" ] In
the heart of every family…there’s a love that starts by
letting go…

>Off the beaten path I reign.
>Rover Wanderer
>Nomad Vagabond
>Call me what you will

TOM: Biff "Buffington" Biffwell.

>
>But I’ll take my time anywhere.

JOEL: "Other people need to use the facilities, you know."

>Free to speak my mind anywhere.
>And I’ll never mind anywhere.

CROW: [ Theme to "Cheers" ] "You want to go where everybody knows
your name…"

>Any where I roam.
>Where I lay my head is home.
>
> As the music seemed to reach it’s peak,

TOM: A sudden avalanche buried the team and made them cancel
their ascent.

> a figure could
>be seen trotting out of the mists.

CROW: Yet strangely he wasn’t, because everyone was fascinated by
the earthworms that came up after the last rain.

> His attitude was of one
>who had suffered great pain, but has found shelter and
>safety. He stopped, reared back his head, and continued
>singing.

JOEL: It’s always so wacky when Waylon Jennings himself gets involved
in a "Dukes of Hazzard" script.

>
>But I’ll take my time anywhere.
>Free to speak my mind any where.
>And I’ll redefine anywhere.

CROW: From now on, "anywhere" will mean "Camden, New Jersey."

TOM: How horrifying.

>Anywhere I roam,
>Where I lay my head is home.
>Carved upon my stone,
>My body lie, but still I roam, yeah, yeah.

TOM: [ Singing to "Brady Bunch" theme ] "And that’s the way we
became The Brady Bunch!"

>
> The figure stepped completely out of the fog, and the
>villagers gasped at what they saw.

CROW: X-Y-Z…

TOM: Your fly…

JOEL: C’mon, you’re just embarassing yourself.

> A male raccoon, in his
>late teens, and wearing clothes they’d only previously seen
>on a certain human, stood before them, grinning like a
>maniac.

TOM: When’d Tom Bodett become a raccoon?

> He stepped back, and gave a deep bow to Sally.

CROW: Sally instinctively picked him up by the scruff of his neck
and carried him back into the tree.

>"Hello, Princess. I, Christopher Jonathan Petrucci, wish to
>thank you on behalf of Keith A—, who, he said, had
>stayed with you for a brief period."

JOEL: "Aw, it was nothing. Who’s Keith?"

> He looked at Rebecca.
>"You like?" he said, turning this way and that. Rebecca
>nodded, smiling through tears. "I like. Oh, do I ever
>like!" With that, she dashed into his arms.

CROW: "My four and a half hours of estrus next year are going to be
extra-special!"

JOEL: Behave yourself.

>
> Sally was still speechless. The voice, and the
>attitude… it had to be him!

JOEL: [ Pointing to TOM ] It couldn’t be you; [ Pointing to CROW ]
It couldn’t be you; [ Pointing to KEITH ] It had to be him!

> "Keith, is that you?!" The
>raccoon shook his head. "I told you, Sally, Keith is dead.
>Well, kind of.

TOM: Well, okay, he’s alive and living in Portland, Maine. There,
I said it and I’m glad.

> Anyway, can we get back home, please? I’m
>tired, and looking for a real bed to sleep in.

JOEL: At least a knot in a tree, or a limestone cavern.

> He trotted
>back in the general direction of Rebecca’s hut, still
>humming bars from the odd song he’d just finished singing.

CROW: Oh, great, he’s a Neil Diamond fan.

[ To continue … ]

---

Wow, apparently in the 90s I remembered the sitcom Valerie / Valerie’s Family / The Hogan Family and, more, thought it mattered that I list all three titles. I am so glad to know my brain has managed to forget at least some bit of nonsense, once.

I hope Neil Diamond’s ego has recovered from the devastating blow this work landed.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 24

Last time in the Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Altered Destiny, author Keith A— excused him to go off into the woods and do … something. This week, we close out that scene and have a host sketch, the last one before the end of the MiSTing. Yes, that’s right, we’re only three-quarters of the way done here! I think you’ll enjoy the end, though.

The whole of the MiSTing of Altered Destiny should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
>* * * * *
>
> For a couple of days, no one had seen hide nor hair of
>the boy.

TOM: But that’s just because they’re all nocturnal and…

> Then, on the third night, there came a shriek
>tearing out of the Forest as of some eternally damned
>spirit.

CROW: Joe Barbera?

> Those awake never slept, and those asleep were
>plagued with nightmares.

JOEL: They imagined they were in Sonic the Hedgehog fanfics.

> Even in far-off Robotropolis, Dr.
>Ivo Robotnik,

ALL: [ Snickering ] Ivo?

JOEL: Well, I’d be evil if that was my name.

> the only living being to function without a
>heart, shivered and moaned in his sleep.

CROW: Again with the images we don’t want to live with.

TOM: Can we take a break?

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Yeah, it’s about time.

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ INT SOL. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are standing around, talking. ]

JOEL: Wow. Guys, you know, the villain of the Sonic stories here, Ivo Robotnik, really does have an evil name.

TOM: An evil name, you say?

JOEL: Certainly, Tom. Just try saying it. "Ivo Robotnik." The syllables conjure up visions of a foul, despicable man.

CROW: Yeah, I see it.

TOM: So you’re suggesting that names control our destiny?

JOEL: Not that strong a suggestion, Tom. But within the confines of a story, something as simple as what name a character has can go a long way to defining his personality.

CROW: So if you want an evil character, it helps to have an evil name for him or her?

JOEL: Exactly, Crow.

TOM: I kind of see what you’re saying. For instance, if you were a character in a story, Joel, you couldn’t be evil. ‘Joel Robinson’ just doesn’t pass as an evil name.

CROW: No; no, he couldn’t. Maybe if he had a different first name, though.

TOM: Yeah, like…how about ‘Bentley’?

JOEL: Bentley?

CROW: Sure. Bentley Robinson, daring and ultra-slick super-secret- agent. [ JOEL beings pantomiming to CROW’s movie-announcer-like recitation. ] Fast with a gun; faster with the ladies…he knows all the moves, he knows all the secrets, and this summer, he’s going to take Washington D.C. hostage.

JOEL: [ Standing normally again. ] You got it. How about you, Tom?

TOM: Hmm. ‘Tom Servo’ isn’t that evil a name.

JOEL: No, it’s not. But what if instead you were…hm…

TOM: Walt Servo?

CROW: Nah.

TOM: Jim Servo?

JOEL: Definitely not.

TOM: Lazarus Servo?

CROW: Maybe we can come back to you. Try me instead!

JOEL: Okay, Crow…do you think you’d be evil if you were ‘Stan T. Robot’?

CROW: No…I think I might be an accountant, though.

TOM: How about ‘Dar T. Robot’?

CROW: Hmm… [ Moves around, as though fitting the name. ] Dar T. Robot. They thought he was locked away. They thought he was harmless. They thought he was powerless. They were wrong. This August, they’re going to pay.

JOEL: Okay, so we’ve found a good evil name for you. Brings us back to Tom here. How about ‘Jerry Servo’?

TOM: Too cutesy.

CROW: ‘Big Bad Bill Servo.’

TOM: Sounds like a chili recipe.

JOEL: ‘Scott Servo?’

TOM: That’s more a morning DJ’s name.

CROW: That is pretty darned evil, Tom.

JOEL: True.

TOM: Still not me, guys. Or, me as an evil person, anyway.

JOEL: Why not try some names from the fanfic? ‘Ivo Servo?’

TOM: Bleah.

CROW: ‘Bookshire Servo’?

TOM: Sounds like a land management plan.

JOEL: ‘Keith Servo’?

TOM: It’s not working. Guys, maybe you just can’t give me a name that would inherently suggest I was evil.

JOEL: ‘Blackjack Servo’?

CROW: Blackjack Servo: Exiled to a penal planet for crimes humanity would not face…Labor Day weekend, he’s going to make them face him again.

TOM: Hey, you’ve got it. I *could* be pure evil if I had the right name!

CROW: Great!

TOM: Yeah. So, what have we learned?

JOEL: Uh…

CROW: We learned…uh..

TOM: That with a slightly different name, we wouldn’t be carriers of right and good?

JOEL: I guess so.

CROW: Maybe there is no lesson. Maybe it’s a cautionary tale.

TOM: There you go. Parents–and parents-to-be: Don’t give your children names that will make them evil.

CROW: Right. It results in a lot of heartbreak, and fanfics.

JOEL: There you go. You guys are learning all the time.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes. ]

JOEL: We’ll be right back.

TOM: But we won’t be evil.

[ BREAK ]

[ To continue … ]

---

I don’t think there’s anything needing explaining this installment. I do like how the host sketch played out, though. You may not find the attempted names amusing, but the concept feels like one the Brains would do. (And I was going for mildly amusing names, not I-demand-you-laugh-at-these names. Even when I was that young I knew better.) The shift in focus from evil names to movie-trailer narration also feels like one that might have happened in the show. If you don’t agree, well, please, take a fresh sheet of paper and write down your reasons why you don’t agree, then set the paper in the back of the closet and forget to take it with you when you move. It’ll be a baffling gift to some future person!

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 23

The last time we stopped in on Keith A—‘s late-90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Altered Destiny, the destiny-altered Keith was working up his courage to tell Princess Sally Acorn something important. What is it? Read on …

The whole of my late-90s Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of Keith A—‘s piece should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
> "That. That’s it right there. For the past month, I
>feel like I’ve been… how can I say this?

TOM: I’m getting really uncomfortable, guys.

> I’m not who I
>was when I came here, Sally."

JOEL: I’ve become a raisin collector.

>
> "What are you talking about?" Sally was genuinely
>concerned, and a little afraid. This was totally unlike the
>Keith she knew, who was always upbeat, even when discussing
>his own death.

CROW: Discussing his *what*?

JOEL: "Yeah, I’ve found my mortality has always been just the thing to pick up the conversation."

>
> "I’m talking about the conditions of my journey here.
>You remember what I was told?"
>
> "Yess-ss, I do.

TOM: Had to book three weeks in advance, stay over on a Saturday night, one piece of carry-on luggage, no more than two suitcases, and waived your bonus miles.

> You had to give up everything you hold
>dear, everything about you world." Keith nodded. "Exactly.
>But what I didn’t realize was that in order to renounce my
>world, I had to renounce my identity."

CROW: He’s becoming Batman.

>
> "I don’t see…" She was interrupted by Keith. "No,
>but you will.

JOEL: He’s been named the Earl of Kent.

> What I mean is that Keith A—, the human
>who lived on Earth, has died."
>
> This statement shocked Sally down to the very core of
>her being.

TOM: The very acorn of her soul.

> "What?! What are you talking about? You’re not
>dead! You’re sitting right here in front of me!"

CROW: If Sally had just been the main character, she would have understood metaphor.

> But some
>morbid part of her mind chuckled, looking at him. *Are you
>sure about that? Just look at him!* But the thought was
>quickly pushed away.

JOEL: "I’ve looked before; he can’t be any better now."

> "You, Keith, are not dead. You’re
>standing right here before me, spouting nonsense. Why do
>you think you’re dead?"

TOM: "Well, I don’t have a pulse, haven’t breathed in two weeks, and I keep seeing long-dead relatives beckoning me home."

>
> He rolled his eyes and sighed irritably, as if trying
>to get a toddler to understand a basic truth. "What I mean
>is

TOM: My super-brain has transcended your petty ‘life’ and ‘death’!

CROW: Another one for me!

TOM: He deserved it!

> that I have renounced my past life, as well as my world,
>and, in fact, I am no longer human." Sally was about to say
>something, but he quickly grabbed her hand and put it to the
>top of his head.

CROW: "I can pat your stomach and rub your head at the same time!"

> She felt around for a second, frowning,
>when she felt it!

TOM: Ew…

> It was barely beginning to push through,

JOEL: The weirdest "dirty" scene I’ve ever read.

>but she was sure of what it was;

ALL: [ Squirming ] No! No! Spare us!

> an ear!

CROW: Huh?

TOM: An *ear*?

JOEL: Keith has gone bye-bye now.

> She quickly felt
>the other side… another! She withdrew her hand, more
>confused than ever.

CROW: So, Sally is completely unaware of the existence of ears?

> He looked at her. "Though I’d rather
>not show you,

JOEL: He’s a man with ears that almost poke out of his hair. Don’t cross him.

> I’m also feeling the beginnings of a tail.

CROW: It looks just like the one my pet guinea pig used to have.

> I
>don’t think it’ll be long before the transformation resolves
>itself."

TOM: Yeah, it’s just taken a month to get the beginnings of a tail. This should be wrapped up in another five hours.

>
> "O-okayy-yy, but what till then?"
>
> "I think it’s best if I went out into the Forest to
>finish this off.

JOEL: After all, this has *never* happened to any of the other humans who come through to Mobius every other fanfic.

> When I return, we will honor the dead."
>
> "Honor the dead?

TOM: Yeah, you know. Gus Grissom, Benjamin Franklin, Tex Avery, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

> A funeral? But what…" Sally
>looked in his eyes, saw the grim resolve set into them, and
>gave up protesting.

CROW: "Would you just *go* already?"

> "All right, but are you sure you’ll be
>okay?"

JOEL: "Sure, I’ve got everything in the world I need right here, like, uh…"

>
> "No. But if anything does happen, tell them all thank
>you for me.

TOM: Thanks for what? Not killing him too often?

> And please, if I don’t survive this, give me a
>proper burial. I didn’t live as a criminal; I don’t intend
>to be remembered as one."

JOEL: "Oh, we didn’t figure to remember you at all."

> With that, he shook Sally’s hand,
>hugger her briefly, and walked out.

CROW: [ With British accent ] Hugger off, Lordship!

[ To continue … ]

---

Thinking now about what riffs might need explanation. The riff about booking three weeks in advance, et cetera, was joking on the reputation for complexity that airline frequent flier plans had in the 90s and not on anything I had experience with. “No more than two suitcases” tells you how free and easy we had it back then, though.

I think the “If Sally had just been a main character” is a variant on the “If Woody had gone straight to the police” misquoted riff I used a lot, but I’m not sure. It makes sense on its own.

Guinea pigs don’t have tails, which is why that line is so funny. I apologize for making you fall off your chair and roll around in a helpless giggle vortex.

“Hugger off, Lordship” is lifted, with modification, from a Doonesbury sequence riffing on complaints by the nobility that the help were getting all uppity.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 22

Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction writer Keith A— had found a new friend in Knothole Village, Rebecca, a raccoon who doesn’t even mind that he’s a cyborg human tossed by Destiny into their world. And now, he’s coming to his new life, as seen in this circa-1997 story.

The whole of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of Altered Destiny should be at this link. I’ll explain what needs talking about after this segment.

---

>Chapter 6: Gathering for the Departed
>
> Weeks went by, and Keith was slowly acclimated to
>Knothole society.

TOM: But he’d never get used to them being on the metric system.

> Acclimated, not accepted. People still
>didn’t trust him, but he had enough friends so he didn’t
>notice.

CROW: So he’s got a lot of friends, he just isn’t accepted or trusted.

> Quite often, he was seen chatting with Sonic,
>Sally, having fun with Tails, or discussing computers and
>such with Rotor and David.

JOEL: And if we had the faintest clue who David was, we’d be impressed.

> Other times, he was helping
>Bookshire tend to the sick. All in all, he’d lived a pretty
>idyllic life in Knothole.

CROW: Except for the way everybody hated him.

>
> One spring day, however, he’d locked himself in his
>room.

TOM: It’s not locked, the door opens *in*, Brainiac.

CROW: Does that count? Do I get another cookie?

TOM: No!

JOEL: Behave, the both of you.

> When Rebecca tried to ask what was wrong, all he
>could hear was singing.

CROW: Rebecca’s a ‘he’?

JOEL: It’s hard to tell, under all that fur.

> What the songs were about, though,
>was what had disturbed her. Keith was singing strange
>requiems, sad songs, and some ones seemed to seethe with
>rage.

TOM, CROW: [ To "The Nutcracker Suite" ] Smurfberry Crunch is fun to eat! A very special breakfast treat!

JOEL: Stop.

> He only came out to get food, which he did quickly
>and with little if any speaking.

CROW: He was really upset the animals all hung their food from trees so the humans couldn’t get at it.

>
> Sally reflected on this as she walked to Rebecca’s hut.
>Apparently, he had sent Tails to her with a message, saying
>that it was imperative that he needed to speak with her.

JOEL: It’s critically important! Take a conference call!

>She didn’t know what was on his mind, but she, like most of
>the rest of Knothole, was out of their mind with curiosity
>or worry, depending on how much they accepted the boy.

TOM: Or, well, fits of ennui, anyway.

> She
>knocked on the door, and gasped at the human who answered
>it.

JOEL: Ed McMahon?

CROW: I *never* thought I’d win the American Publishers’ Sweepstakes!

> He looked like the very image of misery. His hair,
>gone unwashed for weeks, was long and hung around his
>shoulders.

TOM: A world without shampoo and conditioner. A man without Cartoon Network. Something has to give.

> His eyes were surrounded with rings so dark, it
>seemed as if his face had become a skull. And the eyes
>themselves…

CROW: There were suddenly two of them.

> they were as empty as the darkest chasms on
>Mobius. His voice was hoarse with all the singing he had
>done.

JOEL: His tummy rumbled from all the hamster food he’d eaten.

TOM: His elbows were all tingly from accidentally bumping against the desk.

CROW: His shins were lightly sprained from soccer practice.

> "Come in, Princess." He stepped aside, and Sally
>walked in.

CROW: [ Weakly, as Keith. ] Uh, no, that’s the closet…uh…well, you’re the princess…

>
> "So, what did you need to talk to me about?" Keith
>motioned for her to sit. She did, but he remained standing.

TOM: Oh, great, he’s pulling a Spock maneuver on us.

>It seemed he had a lot to talk about.
>
> "First, I wish to thank you for everything you’ve done
>for me.

JOEL: No one else ever cared enough to judge me in a capital case.

> You gave me a chance when it seemed like no one
>else trusted me. You are my first, and truest friend,

TOM: If you forget about Rebecca, yeah.

> and I
>want to thank you again for that." He ran his hands through
>his hair, got stuck halfway, and gave up.

TOM: Yick!

CROW: Oh, gross!

JOEL: I don’t want to know what he got stuck on.

> "I’m sure you’re
>wondering just what in Destiny’s name I’ve been doing for
>the past month.

CROW: [ As Sally ] I am? Oh, yeah, I am. Right.

> Well, I’ve been thinking, and I’ve
>discovered something."
>
> "And what would that be, Keith?"

JOEL: No matter how hard you try, you can’t fold a potato chip.

[ To continue … ]

---

But first, to explain: I didn’t know who David was then, and I’m even less clear now. I think David was one of those fan fiction characters that other authors started using because everybody was friends with everybody else back then, except for the mortal enemies.

I did not make a mistake in attributing Ed McMahon to the “American Publishers’ Sweepstakes”; they were a separate sweepstakes scam from the Publishers Clearing House. American Publishers shut down in 1999, but Publishers Clearing House is still out there, somehow, despite the last magazine ceasing publication in 2014. My joke, being factually correct, was therefore funny and you may now laugh.

Smurfberry Crunch was a Cap’n Crunch spinoff cereal from the 80s based on, you guessed it, berries. At one point they used a jingle with the theme from the Nutcracker Suite, that nice march-ing part, and the lyrics I’d been trying for fifteen years to get out of my head. They’re not out yet.

“No matter how hard you try, you can’t fold a potato chip” is a mis-remembered lift from Linus van Pelt, who was trying to bend a cracker. I got it conflated with the time he tried to throw a potato chip. I apologize and take full responsibility for my mistake.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 21

Last time you’ll recall transplanted human author Keith A— stared down the badger who kind of wanted him dead-ish. And now Rebecca, a raccoon, has decided to welcome the destiny-altered protagonist into Knothole Village proper.

The whole of this 1997-vintage Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of the Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic Altered Destiny should appear at this link. At the end of this week’s installment I’ll explain what needs it.

---

> Keith
>just grinned. "And what makes you think she’ll get far? I
>do have a rather firm resolve,

CROW: And as a girl, she’s got lots of cooties.

> and I think that she’ll be
>pulling her hair out by the time I’m done with her. Trust
>me."

TOM: Is this how girls look when you don’t have hormones.

> He winked at Sally, and walked off with Rebecca.

JOEL: I feel like apologizing to every woman everywhere now.

>
> "So, tell me, why did you volunteer? You realize, of
>course, that you’re harboring a human,

CROW: He’s wanted for being a human in two states.

> and it’ll make you
>kinda unpopular."

TOM: [ As Rebecca ] "That’s all right, I’m already deeply resented for my massive intellect."

CROW: Foul! Foul!

JOEL: Sorry, Crow, he didn’t riff on Keith.

CROW: No fair!

TOM: Sounds fair to me.

> The two were walking through the forest,
>getting to know one another.

JOEL: [ As Rebecca ] "Another few minutes and we’ll get to the kitchen. The campers will have hung all the food from trees, but that never stops us."

> Keith regarded his new roomie
>with interest. Rebecca MacPherson, the only Freedom
>fighter, aside from the major ones, to ever give him a
>chance to show his true colors.

CROW: Unfortunately, they’re mauve and indigo. Yick.

> She was pretty, if you went
>for that sort of thing.

TOM: Yeah, who likes ‘pretty’ these days anyway?

> Her fur was light brown, but silver
>on her face and tail. Quite striking, really.

JOEL: Slap!

CROW: [ As Keith ] I was just looking!

> Her raven-
>dark hair was parted down the middle, hanging into her eyes
>every so often. And the eyes… they were what really got
>to him. They were emerald green, dancing and full of life.

TOM: But a good antibacterial agent and that’ll get all cleared up.

>The eyes of someone who’s sense of humor would never die.

CROW: She’s got Andy Kaufmann eyes?

>Rebecca smirked as she noticed his scrutiny. "Finished?"
>She enjoyed watching his face turn the darkest red she had
>ever seen.

JOEL: But keep in mind, she’s colorblind.

> "About your question, I did it for three
>reasons. One, because you’ve gone through a lot, and
>deserve to at least be able to sleep nights.

CROW: Two, you have a big shiny on your arm.

> Two, I meant
>what I said back there, about giving you a proper warm
>reception."

TOM: "Dear Pentmouse: I’m a newcomer to a small midwestern cartoon…"

>
> "And the third?" He was pretty sure he knew this one.

TOM: Which he knew thanks to his…

CROW: Oh, boy!

TOM: Uh…being the writer.

>They stopped, and Rebecca looked up (way up, he’s 6 foot!)
>into his eyes. "Three, well, I like you.

CROW: "I can’t imagine why."

> From what I’ve
>seen, you’re a pretty nice guy, and that’s rare in my
>opinion."

TOM: Yes, remember, male equals cretin.

>
> The last statement didn’t surprise him too much, but he
>was still a bit taken aback. "Really? You’re kidding,
>right?"

CROW: Don’t ask me, I’m just trying to follow the script.

>
> "No, Keith, I’m afraid not. Unlike most of those
>jerks, I have a very open mind.

TOM: Why, I accept everything at face value and never waste time with critical thinking.

> If I like someone, it’s for
>who they are, here," she laid a hand on his chest, "than
>what they look like. You see?"

JOEL: Aw, she’s got an alveoli fetish.

> Keith nodded slowly. "Yes, I see. Thanks again,
>Rebecca. I can see I’ll be enjoying my stay here a lot more
>now."
>
> Rebecca grinned. "Oh, you may enjoy it more than you
>think, my friend…"

CROW: "So, as a raccoon do you have eight mammaries?"

JOEL: For that, Crow, one of your cookies goes back to Tom.

TOM: Ha-ha!

>
> Keith shook his head. "Doubt it. I think you’ll find
>me to be an interesting challenge."
>
> "Oh, REally…?" She pounced him, and they started
>rolling through the forest, laughing all the way…

CROW: Yeah, hey, friend of mine just got a car and we’re gonna go stare at its headlights all night. Want to come?

>

[ To continue … ]

---

Not a lot to explain around here. Hm. Well, in the late 90s there was this mood of appreciating Andy Kaufmann as a deep transcendent genius of comedy what with his trying to pick fights with his audience instead of entertain them. I guess you had to be there. I have no idea how many mammaries a raccoon has, or should have, and I am fine staying ignorant. It’s the raccoons’ business, not mine.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 20

New year, same yet older Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction! I still have a lot of the text of my 1997-era friend Keith A—‘s Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction Altered Destiny. At this link you should be able to read the whole of the MiSTing. And after this installment I’ll try to explain why that.

The story so far? Keith A— would seem to have proven his value to the Freedom Fighters from Sonic the Hedgehog in the recent raid on Robotropolis or something. Yet some of the minor characters, people too unimportant to be regulars on either the cartoon or other people’s fan fictions, still doubt him. Frustrated with his inability to be loved for who he is, Keith takes action.

---

>
> "You’re damn right, that’s what I think!" Keith
>nodded, then pulled out a blaster pistol he’d managed to
>acquire from a SWATbot. He handed it, grip first, to the
>badger. "Fine. Go ahead."
> This threw the badger for a loss. "What?" He was
>stammering, but he took the pistol, and steeled himself. He
>pointed it at the boy’s head. But didn’t pull the trigger.

CROW: Probably has to borrow opposable thumbs from somebody too.

>
> Keith looked disappointed. "What’s wrong? Oh, I see.
>I’m too tall. I’m scaring you.

JOEL: No, it’s toothpaste! We told you that.

> Here, I’ll get down on my
>knees. There, now you can go ahead." They were at eye
>level now, Keith gazing into the badger’s blazing red eyes.

TOM: And the badger counts the days to retirement.

>But still nothing. "Now what? Oh, okay, you’re afraid
>you’ll miss. You never were a good shot, and you might
>miss, even this close.

JOEL: "All right, I’ll shoot, but it’ll just get cavity protection all over your jacket."

> Here." He leaned forward, so that
>his forehead was pressed up against the barrel. "You can go
>ahead now. You can’t miss."

CROW: Can *we* shoot instead?

> Still nothing. "Come on, one
>little squeeze of that trigger, and I’ll be out of your life
>for good.

TOM: Sure it’s painful, but just think how bad the moral will be later on.

> You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Come on, just
>one."

CROW: Or maybe two, or, uh, nineteen.

> The fire in the badger’s eyes was faltering. Keith’s
>voice was hypnotic. "Do it.

TOM: Obey…

> Do it.

JOEL: Must-defrost-the-refrigerator.

> Shoot me, and it’s
>over.

CROW: The whole fanfic, over.

> Do it."

JOEL: Oh, and, after that, every time somebody says ‘Chicago’ to you you’ll think your pants are on fire.

>
> The badger broke down. The pistol dropped, and he
>began to shiver. "I can’t. Why can’t I?" He began to cry.
>Keith drew him close in a comforting hug.

TOM: The badger, however, was warned by his parents about being touched this way.

> "You can’t,
>because you do value life, no matter what species it is.

JOEL: Except for cougars, coyotes, and any other species that eats badgers.

>Hold onto that, my friend, because you may lose it one day,
>and then you will be truly damned. Everything’s fine now."

CROW: Give mommy a kiss now.

>
> "Keith, I can’t believe you did that to him!" Sally
>had her hands on her hips,

TOM: And her hips on her shoulders.

CROW: And her shoulders on her kneecaps.

JOEL: And her kneecaps on her forehead.

> and she was glowering down at the
>boy.
>
> Keith released the badger, stood up, and looked
>directly at Sally. "Would you rather I argued with him, and
>got mobbed?

CROW: Yeah, that’d be cool to see.

> I wouldn’t have a chance, and you know it.
>Better I make them," he points in the general direction of
>the crowd, "see that they do, in fact, have a heart,

TOM: Actually, they wanted to see his heart, as I understand.

> than I
>scream and yell, and get torn to pieces. What do you think?
>My methods may be shocking, but they

JOEL: Really aren’t.

> work better than
>anything else I could have come up with." As Sally was
>considering this, a small hand went up from the back of the
>crowd.

CROW: Teacher, can I go to the lavoratory?

> "He can stay with me!" As the villagers parted, a
>teenage raccoon girl could be seen, waving her paw.
>"Rebecca? Are you sure about this?"

TOM: "Uhm…no, I’m Carol, Rebecca is the crab-eating raccoon down the block."

>
> "Sally, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my
>life.

JOEL: But then I’m three weeks old.

> This poor boy hasn’t had a proper reception into
>Knothole society, and I intend to give him one." She looked
>back at Keith. "Come on, it’s this way."

CROW: If this turns "naughty" I’m going to vomit.

JOEL: Wow.

>
> Just before he left, Sally grabbed Keith’s arm.
>"Careful, Keith. She seems to have designs on you."

TOM: Remember kids, if a girl tries to be friends with a boy, it’s cause she’s got mysterious "designs" on him.

[ To continue … ]

---

Let’s see about what needs explaining here. I think Joel’s “must-defrost-the-refrigerator” comes from the same place as the Brains’ riffs about the hypnotic toaster in The Days Of Our Years. Apparently I had other stuff to do in 1997 than look up what preys on badgers. Crab-eating raccoons are a central American species, related to the regular raccoon. They eat things besides crabs. But they probably don’t eat badgers regularly. Just as a special treat.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 19

Last MiSTing segment for the year! Before my 1997 Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction treatment of Keith A—‘s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction gets older, why not start in another segment and Chapter Five of Altered Destiny?

The story so far: Keith A—, transplanted from Earth to Mobius by the mysterious workings of Destiny, has used his cool cyborg computer and even cooler motorbiking skills on a Freedom Fighter raid on Robotropolis City. But will even this help him overcome the prejudice of unnamed Mobians who don’t see why they need humans in their nice little counter-revolution?

The whole of the MiSTing of Altered Destiny should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>Chapter 5: Another Chance
>
> It was midafternoon by the time the two reached
>Knothole. Sonic had already organized a search-and-rescure
>team,

CROW: All this trouble just ’cause they don’t have prepaid telephone cards.

> and they were just about ready to head out when Sally
>ran up and hugged Sonic.

TOM: [ As Sonic ] "Oh, great! You can help us look for Sally and that human!"

>
> "And just where were ya? I was just about to go out
>lookin for you!" Sonic was relieved that she was back,
>though, and the lecture turned into a long hug.

JOEL: Now you just go to your room and think about your not dying.

> "So," he
>said, as they finally let go, "where’s the trainee?"
>
> "Right here, blue boy!"

CROW: Blue Boy, Pennsylvania?

JOEL: You behave.

> All heads turned and stared at
>the human sitting astride his hoverbike, looking like a
>cyberpunk’s version of a Horseman of the Apocalypse.

TOM: Hey, did he just appropriately use a simile? In a fanfic?

CROW: It’s stunning. We may make it through this yet.

> He was
>grinning like a maniac. There were some scattered
>mutterings, a few scathing remarks, but nothing incredibly
>audible.

ALL: Murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur.

>
> Keith turned to the crowd. "What? Haven’t I proven
>myself yet? My God, what does it take to get you people off
>my back?!

TOM: It’s not that, they’re just staring at the headlights.

CROW: Yeah, turn the lights off, they’ll snap out of it.

> Oh, maybe this will help. Sasha, could you call
>up that little thing we found back at Robotropolis? You
>know the one."

JOEL: It’s a T-shirt reading "I heart Robotropolis, but Robotropolis doesn’t heart me."

>
> "NO PROBLEM, BWANA." Immediately a holographic display
>shimmered into view. It was a detailed set of blueprints
>for something called a Death Egg.

ALL: [ Snickering ]

CROW: Yeah, and later on, the evil Dr. Robotnik is going to invade Knothole and TP their lawns.

>
> "Oh, my gosh, Sonic! Look at this! He’s found the
>schematics we’ve been trying to figure out for the past

JOEL: Two sentences!

>three weeks!" Looking up at her friend, she asked, "How on
>Mobius did you get these?"

TOM: Actually, I just cued the laserdisk version of "Star Wars" up to the right scene.

>
> Keith shrugged. "I guess there’s something to be said
>for dumb luck. Anyway, now that we know how this works, we
>can have a little fun, no?"

JOEL: Yeah, with this Death Egg we’ll finally make the chickens respect us.

>
> "I don’t know… We’ll have to study it carefully.
>There may be some surprises in this little toy.

TOM: Like there…see? "Choking hazard–Do not give to children under three years old."

> Only way to
>make sure nothing goes wrong…"
>
> "…Is if we spend weeks in careful perparation, I know

CROW: Genius is one percent inspiration, and ninety-nine percent
perparation.

>the drill." He opens his mouth in a jaw-cracking yawn.

TOM: Ccccrick! Bop! Boing!

JOEL: Ih fehh off! Hewp!

>"Just hope I can find something to do during the off-time."
>He shrugs. "Ah, well, I’ll find something. So! What now?"

TOM: Maybe he could visit the set of "Super Mario Brothers."

>
> Sally blinked as something occurred to her. "Wait a
>minute! We forgot the sleeping arrangements!"

CROW: I’ll just use my massive brainpower to create suitable quarters out of pure thought.

TOM: FOUL! FOUL! Now he has to give up a cookie to me!

CROW: No fair!

JOEL: Sounds fair to me, actually.

> She looked
>around at the crowd. All she heard was more muttering.
>"He’s already got a place to stay. Better put him back
>there." Keith just rolled his eyes and sighed.

CROW: But I don’t fold up to *fit* in the linen closet.

> "Okay, who
>said that? Come on, come out. I’d rather see my
>persecutors face-to-face, iff’n y’don’t mind." Recieving no
>answer, he smirked.

JOEL: Class, I’m going to turn off the lights and sit down until you show you can control yourselves.

> Sally did not like that light in his
>eyes. "Aww, c’mon! Don’t tell me you’re too much of a
>coward to say it to my face, are you?"

TOM: Maybe they’d be more comfortable offering to sniff each others’ rear ends.

JOEL: You behave too.

> Even though he was
>adressing no one in particular, an angry snort went up from
>the back of the crowd. Keith heard, and craned his neck.

CROW: [ Calling ] Cock-a-doodle-doooooooo!

>"Yes? The hatemonger in the back? You have something to
>add? Come on, share your feelings with the group!"

JOEL: Or we’ll just cancel the video. You have to earn the right to see "Inspector Molecule."

> The
>crowd parted as someone shoved their way up to the front.
>It was the badger that had tangled with him the day before.
>Keith just grinned. "What’s the matter?"

TOM: [ Sobbing ] I’m afraid of cosines!

>
> "What’s the matter?! The matter is, I’m tired of
>seeing your face! You humans should be wiped from the face
>of Mobius!" Keith’s eyes grew deadly serious at this
>comment. "Is this what you really believe? That I should

CROW: Feel freer about breaking up my paragraphs?

>be killed?"
>
> "You’re damn right, that’s what I think!" Keith
>nodded, then pulled out a blaster pistol he’d managed to
>acquire from a

TOM: Plot point we just thought up.

> SWATbot. He handed it, grip first, to the
>badger. "Fine. Go ahead."

JOEL: "But…uh…this is a Mobian toothpaste dispensor."

[ To continue … ]

---

Prepaid telephone cards were about 40% of television advertisements in the 90s. Laserdiscs were the medium you got movies on in the 90s if you wanted to be snotty about picture and sound quality but also had to get up and change the disc every fifty minutes.

Inspector Molecule is an extraordinarily obscure riff. It was a sequence of videos I saw in middle school chemistry class where someone described the properties of a substance and the Inspector had to figure out what molecule it was. I know one of them was water and can’t think of the other. (We only got two videos before the class’s inability to take this seriously saw the teacher give up on it. Or there were only ever two made, I don’t know.) As best I can tell I’m the only person in the universe to have heard of this thing. My recollection is that it was awful but it’s possible I was, at thirteen, too wrong-age to appreciate a goofy or campy charm. Or it was just awful. I remember being upset that the guy took so long to figure out “water”, which in hindsight explains why everybody treated me like that in middle school.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 18

What was happening in the summer of 1997? Oh, four or five things, easily. But the most important, for right this moment, is that I was making a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction out of my friend Keith A—‘s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction, Altered Destiny. It is that which I bring you today and every Thursday going back seventeen weeks now. And how many weeks to come? You can tell by looking at the whole Altered Destiny MiSTing, at this link. At the end of this week’s installment I’ll apologize for any riffs that somehow aged badly since the late 90s.

Previously on Altered Destiny, Keith A— got to use his altered destiny and his new arm-mounted computer to go on a raid on Robotropolis. His daring last-minute motorbike jump rescued himself and Princess Sally. So that seems like some good news, right? We join Keith and Sally laughing about how they’re not dead.

---

> Laughter, she mused, truly is the best medicine.

TOM: And a smile is the best umbrella.

JOEL: And a puppy is the only love money can buy.

CROW: And swimming is the best form of exercise.

>Suddenly, a thought struck her. "Keith, did we detonate
>those charges?"
>
> The look on his face was answer enough. He addressed
>Sasha. "Um, Sasha, where are those bombs now?"

CROW: "They’re being turned into pilot episodes for the UPN."

>
> "JUST A MINUTE. I’M SCANNING NOW." A few seconds
>later, she finished.

TOM: "We, uh, accidentally left them back home. Sorry about that."

> "WELL, ABOUT 75% ARE STILL IN PLACE.
>THE OTHERS ARE CURRENTLY ON THEIR WAY TO ROBOTNIK’S
>HEADQUARTERS."

JOEL: I guess Robotnik would be rather stupid to take the bombs to a disposal area when he could be bringing them to his living room instead.

>
> "You’re a princess, Sasha. Thanks." Turning to Sally,
>he said, "Well, we can still do some damage, and even add
>insult to injury. What say?"

CROW: Why not wait for all the bombs to be taken into Robotnik’s headquarters, if that’s where they’re going?

>
> Sally smiled. She liked his thinking. "NICOLE,
>detonate."
>
>* * * * *
>
> The Control Center shook as a massive explosion rocked
>the hangar at its side.

JOEL: "Okay, kids, this is the fifth time you’ve done this, now, your mom and I have talked with you before and it’s just got to stop."

> "Sir, Communications relay is off-
>line. Hangar #2 also reports heavy damage."
>
> "Well, Snively, I told you what would happen if you
>failed." Snively cringed and squeaked, as per the custom
>for frightened rats.

CROW: Oh, now Snively’s going to bite and give Robotnik the bubonic plague.

> "What happened, by the way, with the
>human? I told you to go get him."
>
> "Uh, w-w-well, sir, we encountered… a problem, sir."
>
> "And what kind of problem would that be, Snively?"

TOM: "Turned out we were wrong and it’s wabbit season."

>There was something in Robotnik’s voice that said he didn’t
>care what the problem was, but he knew Snively would pay
>dearly for it.

JOEL: See, this is what happens when Total Quality Management programs get misapplied.

>
> "Well, sir, the human seems to be… extremely
>intelligent.

TOM: As he reminded us every other sentence.

CROW: Another one!

TOM: Would you stop counting?

JOEL: It’s his cookies now.

> He managed to outwit my patrol,

JOEL: But, then, hands on a clock outwit his patrols.

> and he somehow
>hot-wired a hoverbike."

CROW: Oh, he just turned it on.

>
> "Well, Snively, why don’t you trace it?" Robotnik’s
>face was turning an interesting shade of purple.
>
> "Uh… ummm…

TOM: "Doc, I think we’re growing apart."

> he… he destroyed the homing
>transmitter as well."
>
> "He WHAT?!?!"

CROW: I didn’t mean it. I don’t know what I was thinking.

>
> What happened next is far too disturbing for me to put
>down,

TOM: Me?

JOEL: What does it say about a story when the third-person omniscient point of view can’t stay in character?

CROW: It says it’s a fanfic.

> but let’s just say that Snively will wake up several
>days later with one mother of a headache.
>
> "Packbell, you’re in charge of finding that blasted
>human now. I trust you won’t fail me."

CROW: Oh, wait, you will fail me. I forgot.

> The android looked
>down at the inert and bleeding form of Robotnik’s nephew,
>and hastily agreed.

TOM: So, why wasn’t Snively roboticized, again? What special talent was Packbell afraid of losing?

>
>* * * * *
>
> The two could see the smoke all the way from the Great
>Unknown. Keith grinned down at the Princess. "Welp," he
>said, "I think

JOEL: That’s the biggest forest fire I’ve set in *months*.

> we’d best be getting back to Knothole before
>they think I hurt you or something." His tone was light,
>but Sally picked up the message beneath it.

CROW: [ Sounding out charades ] You want…you want me to go…go to the store, okay, I’m to go to the store and you want me to…to…sounds like "earring"?…uh…

> Picked it up
>loud and clear. "You know," she said, "there are those who
>would be willing to give you a chance, if you’d let them."

TOM: Nothing proves trustworthiness more than pulling insane stunts on alien technology.

>
> "I’m sure there are, but on that note, I’m kinda a
>’seeing is believing’ person.

JOEL: Unless I’m asked to believe a mysterious super-powerful being that only appears in dreams.

> Let them come to me, and I’ll
>give them a shot. Anyway," he said, shaking his head,
>"let’s head back."

CROW: Hang on, could we stop off at Wawa first? I really need a super-slushie.

>
> "All right, but could you take it slow?

JOEL: The last thing we need is for this to wander into "Return of the Jedi."

> I can only
>stand one heart attack a day, you know."
>

[ To continue … ]

---

I hope you didn’t cut yourself on that dangerously sharp comment about the UPN. Total Quality Management was a popular management program of the 80s and 90s where a company wrote down everything it did and why, and once it had a document sufficiently gobsmackingly impenetrable they got a certificate. I may have this mixed up with ISO-9000 certification, but there is no way to tell. My father had a good job for a while there telling companies how to make their documentation more gobsmacking. We still have promotional cooler bags a little too small to use left over from some of their TQM projects.

I know Packbell is a character in more than one Sonic the Hedgehog MiSTing but that, and that the name sounds like former Crazy-Dilbert-Guy-Employer PacBell is all I can tell you about him. Wawa does not, and never has, sold slushies, super or otherwise. I apologize for my error.

In 1997 it was universally agreed that Return of the Jedi was the most cloyingly insulting a Star Wars movie could be.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 17

Our story so far: Keith A—, author of the Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Altered Destiny, is off on some kind of raid on Robotropolis, aided only by the series’ real hereos and the supercomputer that a mysterious powerful entity’s merged with his arm. Will he prove himself a noble soul to the last holdouts against Dr Robotnik’s roboticization empire? Or what?

The whole of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction treatment of Altered Destiny should be at this link. At the end of this post I’ll try to apologize adequately for incomprehensible jokes.

---

[ ALL settle back in ]

>
>* * * * *

TOM: Where were we again?

JOEL: Uh, nowhere.

TOM: Oh yeah.

>
> "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?! YOU’RE GOING TO
>KILL US BOTH!!"

CROW: YES!

JOEL: Go for it!

TOM: Please!

> Sally screamed as they tore across
>Robotropolis at speeds that only Sonic could match. Keith

CROW: Is just asking for a bunch of traffic violations.

>whooped in sheer exhilaration. "PRINCESS, YOU BETTER PRAY
>TO EVERY GOD YOU BELIEVE IN THAT THIS BIKE HAS ENOUGH POWER
>TO GET US ACROSS THAT CANYON!!!"

TOM: That’s a pretty long shout, actually.

> Sally caught herself as
>she saw what Keith was talking about.

JOEL: "That’s not a canyon, it’s just a matte painting!"

> The only thing that
>could even resemble a canyon near here was the mile-wide
>gorge that bordered the Great Unknown.

CROW: Yeah, I guess that might be thought of as a canyon, somehow.

> She almost lost her
>grip in panic.

TOM: Yeah, why do anything to avoid plunging to certain doom?

> "STOP!!! NO!! TURN AROUND!!!" She shouted
>until she was hoarse, but it did no good. Keith aimed for a
>chunk of slate, and muttered, "Sasha, afterburners, please."

CROW: Great, now it’s the Knight Rider video game.

>With an ear-splitting explosion, the bike shot forward. The
>hoverjets hit the chunk, and the bike’s nose angled up.

JOEL: Lucky they hit the "space shuttle" model of hovercycle. Think how much trouble they’d be in if they’d stolen the Robotropolis equivalent of a milk truck.

>"HERE WE GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

ALL: [ Singing ] On the Great Space Coaster!

> The bike soared across the gorge.
>All of a sudden, a kind of peacefulness came over Sally, as
>she accepted that she

TOM: Had split ends in her tail.

> was going to die. The world seemed to
>go by in slow motion, and Sally saw

JOEL: The "Six Million Dollar Man" marathon.

> her life flashing before
>her eyes. When the show was over, Sally fainted.

CROW: Those clip shows take a lot out of a person.

>
> "Sally? Hello? Yo, Princess, rise and shine! We made
>it!"

JOEL: "Oh, great, I finally get a hovercycle and the first thing I do is run over a squirrel."

>
> "Huh? Wha—," Sally mumbled as she began to wake up.
>Her eyes flew open as she remembered what had happened, and

CROW: Thought "Oh, man, what was *in* that punch?"

>with a grace and speed Keith never thought possible, she
>leaped up and tackled the human.

CROW: "Oh, no, I didn’t, not with *YOU* oh NOOOOOOO!"

>
> "WHAT did you think you were doing?!" Sally was
>furious. Her eyes blazed with such a cold blue flame that
>Keith was actually afraid for his life.

JOEL: He knew he’d never live it down if he were killed by a squirrel.

CROW: Huh?

> The feeling passed,
>though, as he realized that it was mainly residual panic.

TOM: As the feelings of other people are essentially trivial and should have minimal impact on our lives.

>He grinned weakly. "S’okay, Princess. We’re alive, aren’t
>we?" Keith’s attempt at the Ultimate Argument of Logic
>worked.

CROW: You know, I’d have guessed the Ultimate Argument of Logic would regard the non-denumerability of the Cantor set, or Godel’s Incompleteness Theorem, or such…outtakes from "The Dukes of Hazzard" would’ve been my fifth guess.

> Sally’s rantings faltered, and the fire left her
>eyes. She got off Keith’s chest, and allowed him to sit up.

TOM: Baka-wow!

>"Not bad, Sally! Where’d you learn to do that?" Sally
>looked up at him, almost ready to cry,

JOEL: What the–this is a counter-revolution! There’s no crying in counter-revolutions!

> but seeing the
>dancing lights in his eyes, couldn’t help but start to
>laugh.

CROW: Ah, the fine cackling of the manically insane.

> Her crystal voice echoed across the gorge behind
>them, and seemed to fill the Great Unknown with laughter.
>Keith couldn’t help but join in. The two of them laughed
>long and loud, for what seemed like an eternity.

TOM: [ Unenthusiastically ] Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

> Finally,
>they started to calm down.

TOM: Whew.

> They picked themselves off the
>floor, and walked back over to the hoverbike. Sally had
>never felt better.

JOEL: Not even the time they brought anti-lice shampoos to Mobius.

> All the pain and misery that had pressed
>down on her shoulders for so many years now seemed much
>lighter.

CROW: Suddenly the war is *fun* again!

[ To continue … ]

---

The Brains rooting for the death of the protagonist is true to the show, but it’s meaner than I feel now and I regret using the riff. It’s not like anyone had been that annoying a character. Similarly I dislike my anti-lice shampoo joke; it’s lazy and not fun. On the other hand, a lot of fun was The Great Space Coaster, a kids show of the early 80s. In my recollections it was somewhere around the middle of the Sesame Street/H R Pufnstuf spectrum. I was riffing on its catchy theme song.

If you hear a trace of Monty Python and the Holy Grail in Joel riffing how it’s not a canyon, it’s a matte painting, you’re right. Crow’s guesses abut the Ultimate Argument of Logic really show that I’m a mathematics guy instead of someone with a diverse set of interests. “There’s no crying in counter-revolutions” is, of course, from the movement which established the 1940 Constitution of Cuba.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 16

We are at the midpoint of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction! This is a traditional spot for the second host-sketch interlude and my big project from 1997 is no exception. Back then, I thought it was important to tie the host skeches into the story, Keith A—‘s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Altered Destiny and you’ll see just how devotedly I did that.

The whole of the MiSTing of Altered Destiny should be at this link. Afterwards, I’ll explain what I was thinking and apologize as needed.

---

[ INT SOL. JOEL is resting his arm on the desk; CROW is leaning his head against JOEL’s arm. A light piece of duct tape and a weak piece of twine connect CROW’s nose and head to JOEL’s arm. TOM is off-camera. ]

JOEL: You feel good about this?

CROW: Yeah, I’m set.

[ TOM enters, with several envelopes in one hand. ]

TOM: Hi, guys. What’s up?

CROW: Ready to tell him?

JOEL: I think so. Tom, Crow and I were thinking about the fanfic, and we realized it just made good sense.

TOM: Oh, you and he joined in a deep cybernetic linkup so you could fuse your natural talents and abilities to make a combined organism superior to all others?

CROW: Uh…yeah, that’s about got it.

JOEL: We figured it’d be really cool.

TOM: So, like, you’ll be able to answer the mysteries of the Universe, like why is it on "Scooby Doo" whenever Velma lost her glasses, she immediately became stupid as a bowl of hair?

JOEL: Uh…we have limits.

TOM: Oh. Did you get one of those psychic linkups too?

CROW: Yes.

JOEL: [ Simultaneously ] No.

[ CROW, JOEL look at each other. ]

[ Simultaneously ]

JOEL: No.

CROW: Yes.

[ A beat. ]

TOM: I take it there are still quirks in the linkup.

JOEL: Yeah, Crow, I’m sure I didn’t make a psychic linkup for us.

CROW: I’m sure you did, Joel. I can feel your thoughts.

JOEL: No way.

CROW: Honest. Let me concentrate and try to pick up your mental impressions.

JOEL: [ Shaking his head ] I’m sure, but…

CROW: Okay. Let’s see…

[ CROW concentrates. After a few beats, JOEL talks to TOM. ]

JOEL: So, uh, what’re those envelopes?

TOM: Beats me. I just found them in a mayonnaise jar.

JOEL: Can I see?

TOM: Sure.

[ JOEL pulls the first envelope free. ]

CROW: [ Suddenly. ] Hot cross buns.

JOEL: [ Turning to CROW ] Huh?

TOM: Hot cross buns?

CROW: I’m sure of it.

JOEL: [ Tears open the envelope and reads the card inside. CROW has to work to stay on JOEL’s arm during it. ] "What spilled out onto the streets when the air conditioning broke in the middle of the debate session during last summer’s rabbit convention?"

[ A beat. ]

CROW: Hm.

TOM: Peculiar.

JOEL: We can probably do better.

[ JOEL pulls out the next envelope. ]

CROW: [ Confidently ] Oberon; Minerva; and Tom Arnold.

TOM: Oberon, Minerva, and Tom Arnold.

CROW: You heard me.

JOEL: [ Opens the envelope; reads the card. ] "Name a moon, a toon, and a goon."

[ A beat. ]

JOEL: Are you sure this thing is working?

CROW: May an overbearing camel bed down in your laundry room.

JOEL: [ Shaking his head ] If you say so.

TOM: Let’s try another.

JOEL: [ Takes out another envelope. ] We may regret this.

CROW: [ Sharply ] A koala hitman at dinnertime.

TOM: A…koala…hitman.

CROW: At dinnertime.

JOEL: [ Opens the envelope and reads. ] "What eats shoots and leaves?"

[ Two beats. ]

JOEL: Okay, then. [ Starts ripping the tape and string off CROW. ]

CROW: Hey!

JOEL: I don’t think we make a really powerful team.

CROW: Just as well. You get some weird thoughts, Joel.

TOM: I knew it.

JOEL: I do not!

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

ALL: AAAAAUGH!

JOEL: I wasn’t thinking of story sign!

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ To continue … ]

---

Do not cut yourself on that sharp takedown of Tom Arnold! Look, back in 1997 we really thought he and the Teletubbies were social problems.

So the central main joke is, yes, doing a Carnac the Magnificent bit. This felt very much like something that might fit into Joel-era MST3K and I still feel confident about that. The joke about the hot cross buns is lifted from Walt Kelly’s Pogo, although he’s probably not the first person to have made that pun. (It’s specifically from one of the “bunny strips”, alternate strips designed to run a week he thought might make newspaper editors nervous.) Right up until just now I thought ‘Minerva’ was, like ‘Oberon’, the name of a moon of Uranus and I’m annoyed to learn I was thinking of ‘Miranda’. I apologize for the weakness of the “eats shoots and leaves” pun but it was 25 years less worn out back then, and it does feel like a Carnac and an MST3K-doing-Carnac sort of joke. I guess for the story structure it has to be a disappointing joke but I was still disappointed in earlier myself for it. Sorry.

MST3K fanfic writers were never sure whether to call it “movie sign” when they were riffing on stuff very not movies. You see me going with “fanfic sign” in text, although “movie sign” in the stage directions. Eventually I’d settle on calling everything “movie sign”.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 15

Previously on Keith A’s Altered Destiny: armed with the supercomputer Sasha on his arm, transplanted human Keith has bonded with Bunnie Rabbot over being weird cyborg-y creatures initially distrusted by the Sonic the Hedgehog gang. And with that, he’s on the team. His first mission: a raid with other player-characters into Robotropolis or whatever it is to just really annoy Doctor Robotnik.

If you’re enjoying my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction here, thank you! The whole of this MiSTing should appear at this link. If you think I need to explain any particular riffs, go ahead and ask. I’ll put the riffs I thought needed explanation at the end of this.

---

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Sir,

CROW: Oh, pootertoots. We almost had a way out of this story.

> the security system in sector Alpha-3 has been
>shut down.

JOEL: "Wonder who’d want to shut down a useful system like that?"

> It may be a power surge, but… ack!"

TOM: One of the hazards of this planet, he’s now got a hairball.

> This last
>part was said as Dr. Robotnik yanked Snively up by his

JOEL: Cringe.

>collar. With a look that had the penetration power of a

CROW: Gadget for slicing plastic foam sheets.

>cutting laser, Robotnik whispered. "But it’s probably the

TOM: Guys to clean the pool.

>hedgehog. I hope you’re right, though, Snively. If the
>hedgehog gets to that communications relay, you will be

JOEL: Shouting a lot more.

>delivering those messages on foot. Do I make myself
>perfectly clear?"

CROW: "Everything but that stuff after ‘Right, Snively.’"

>
> "<gakk> C-crystal clear, sir!" Robotnik tossed
>Snively into a chair — hard.

JOEL: When Ikea is used for evil purposes.

> "Now, Snively," Robotnik
>said in a voice that made Snively wish he was in the
>Roboticizer, "get to it!"

TOM: What’s so bad about a Roboticizer anyway?

CROW: Yeah. It’s a cool idea.

>
> "Y-y-yes, sir!" He keyed the intercom. "All SWATbots,
>proceed to Sector Alpha-3.

JOEL: Alpha Trion? I remember that episode of "Transformers."

> Priority alert hedgehog!
>Repeat, Priority hedgehog!"

ALL: [ Snicker ]

CROW: Doesn’t exactly intimidate the audience, does it?

>
> Robotnik grabbed Snively’s arm. "Snively,

TOM: "Don’t you understand, I’m trying to tell you I love you!"

> who is
>that?" He was staring at one of the monitor screens. There
>was a large figure hunched over one of the computer
>terminals.

JOEL: It’s the Incredible Hulk!

> It looked almost… "Human? But, that can’t be!

CROW: Oh wait…my mistake…it’s a local TV News Anchor. Nothing human.

>We took care of all… the…" Snively faltered as Robotnik
>fixed him with a withering glare. "It appears not, Snively.

TOM: I guess it doesn’t really matter who says what, here.

>Now, would you be so kind as to go GET him, hmm?" Without a
>word, Snively dashed out the door.

JOEL: [ As Snively ] *Sniff* My agent of evil…I think I’ll keep him.

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Oh, now THIS is neat!" For the past few minutes,
>Keith had been hunched over the terminal,

TOM: Well, Keith is at the age when he should be…’exploring’
himself…

> giggling and
>muttering to himself. Sally was beginning to think

JOEL: About the joys of abdication.

> he’d
>lost it, when a yellow energy bolt whizzed past her head.

CROW: Oh, now that’s just dirty!

>She looked up, and saw Snively leading a group of SWATbots
>right towards Keith!

TOM: [ As Sally ] "Ha-ha! My plan worked!"

> His head snapped up at the sound.
>Sally barely heard him mutter, "Aw, [ bleep ]!" right before he
>dashed off around the corner.

CROW: Huh. Fighting a war is easy when you’ve seen lots of Tex Avery cartoons.

> The SWATbots followed suit,
>their blasters drilling away the the ground at his feet.

JOEL: Hey look, it’s an untapped gold deposit!…and there’s oil…and dilithium…and blue sparkly special effects!

>Snively stayed where he was. No sense getting dirty running
>after one strange, unarmed human.

TOM: Snively’s not highly motivated.

> Suddenly, an arm slipped
>around his neck, trapping him in a choke hold! Snively had
>barely enough time to think before he was whirled around.

CROW: Man, I bet that shows up on his next employee review.

>What he saw froze his heart. The SWATbots were carrying out
>their orders, but the problem was,

JOEL: They’re just not very good at all this.

> Snively was now right in
>front of the human! "Stop! Halt! That is an order!"

TOM: "Obey or I’ll cry!"

>
> "Good move, little man. Now, if you want to keep on
>enjoying the feeling of a beating heart,

CROW: "Or my tender embrace…"

JOEL: "Our gentle kisses in the morning…"

> I suggest you call
>off the patrol, before I take your little neck and turn it
>until you can see what your heels look like!"

TOM: The most aggressive "Buster Brown" salesman ever.

> Snively,
>being the craven little freak he was, followed instructions.

JOEL: "I’ve got the macaroni and cheese boiling, but I don’t have a quarter-cup of milk!"

>"Very, good, little man! Now, since you seem to like being
>alive, do not even move until I am only a really bad memory.

TOM: What is he now?

>Ta!" The arm left Snively’s throat, and as he turned, he

JOEL: Found his tie was now tied!

CROW: Neat.

>cought the human’s feet disappearing around a corner.

TOM: The Invisible Fanfic, by Ralph "Harlan" Ellison.

>Shaking with rage, he screamed (though it came out as a
>rather pathetic little squeak),

CROW: Oh, great, a human with the characteristics of a gerbil.

> "Get him! Kill the human!!

CROW, TOM: [ Singing ] Kill da hu-man! Kill da hu-man!

JOEL: Stop that!

>Do not let him leave!!!"
>
> "<Huff, huff> I thought… that he… would know

JOEL: That the Capital of Minneapolis is not Saint Paul.

>better than that!" Keith quipped as he and Sally ran
>headlong down the dark corridors and alleyways of

TOM: Their own minds, in this, The Twilight Zone.

>Robotropolis. Sally, exhausted as she was, managed to glare
>up at the human. "Just… keep <puff> quiet and <pant,
>pant>

CROW: Oh, *another* dirty part!

> RUN!" They did. They had gotten about another
>hundred yards or so when Keith screeched to a halt.

TOM: "I can’t run anymore. I had soft-boiled eggs this morning."

> Sally
>stopped as soon as she could, and looked to see why he had
>stopped.

CROW: Oh, they were in a No-Fleeing zone.

> All she saw was Keith staring, jaw slack, eyes
>glittering, at a

JOEL: Gigantic creamsicle.

> hovercycle that a SWATbot had left in order
>to carry out some order or other.

TOM: Plot point borrowed from ‘The Superfriends.’

> He was gazing at it like
>he was in love.

CROW: Oh, I’m starting to feel uncomfortable now.

TOM: Joel, please tell me you’ve never had thoughts like that about us.

> "That," he said in a dreamy voice, "is the
>single most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life!"

JOEL: I think Sasha’s been taking over Keith’s nervous system here…

>He shook himself out of his reverie, and slowly an evil grin
>spread across his face.

CROW: Yet another story ruined by a viewing of "Death Cycle."

> Sally did not like the look of that
>grin. Not one bit.

TOM: [ As Sally ] "I bet he’s imagining what I’d look like naked, if I wore clothes in the first place."

JOEL: Oh, it’s time to go, guys.

CROW: Awww…

[ BREAK ]

[ To continue … ]

---

I feel like Crow’s riff about understanding “everything but that stuff after ‘Right, Snively”’ was lifted from Get Smart!, but it could have come from many sources. “Don’t you understand, I’m trying to tell you I love you” is certainly a Groucho Marx lift. Alpha Trion was a character in the 1980s Transformers series where they went back in time to when he was known only as A3. I have no information about his appearances in later Transformers serieseses but assume there were. “My agent of evil, I think I’ll keep him” draws on an 80s commercial for … something … where a guy who needs to be slapped says, jovially, “my wife, I think I’ll keep her”. Because his wife, you see, buys the whatever the commercial was for.

Buster Brown was one of those comic strip characters of the 1900s who, unburdened by personality, became incredibly popular. He got licensed to shoes for the 1904 World’s Fair and they kept on making the shoes after that. They’re still making the shoes? I guess? Every article I can find is like fifteen years old and says “believe it or not they still exist”.

The conveniently abandoned hovercycle was indeed in some episode of The Superfriends but I forget which. Probably multiple episodes. I no longer have the faintest idea what the Death Cycle that Crow complains ruined the story was. My failure to find any promising leads suggests it might have been an anime I saw in the science fiction club sometime by 1997 at the latest, so perhaps it’s known today by some other title. No idea. Sorry.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 14

Previously on Altered Destiny: Author-protagonist Keith A—‘s second meeting with Destiny has brought him a gift. It’s Sasha, a loud talking computer strapped to his wrist. Destiny promises not only is Sasha able to cyberjack extreme him but it’ll help him get along with the Sonic the Hedgehog cast who’ve been worried about how he’s the other human in the world besides Robotnik.

This segment and the rest of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of of Altered Destiny should be at this link. After all this I’ll explain whatever needs explaining, or excusing.

---

>

>Chapter 4: A New Player

TOM: Five civilizations…play the Americans…President Abe Lincoln…difficulty ‘easy.’

>
> "…And that’s it. So," Keith said, standing up, "what
>shall we do next?"

CROW: I’m up for grilled cheese sandwiches, myself.

> He had just spent the past half hour
>relating to Sally, Sonic, and Bunnie

ALL: [ Snickering ]

> just what had happened
>the previous night. Bunnie, who

JOEL: Was really bitter at the lack of effort given to naming her.

> had no idea what happened
>after he walked away from the trial, was quickly filled in
>by Sonic.

CROW: With 10W40 oil.

> "So that’s it? Y’all come here, ya give us that
>there dressin’-down, an’ now y’expect us ta jus’ trust ya
>like nuthin’ happened?" Keith gazed at Bunnie solemnly.

TOM: [ As Keith ] "You’re German, aren’t you?"

>"No. I don’t expect you to go on as if it were nothing.

CROW: I expect you to *die*, Ms. Rabbot.

> It
>was a big thing, I know. But, you have to understand. One
>of the reasons I came here in the first place was to escape

JOEL: This ‘Destiny’ freak. What is with her, anyway?

>all the stereotypes, the judgment, all that ‘sins of the
>father’ [ bleep ]

TOM: Aw, great, Joe Don Baker gets into the cartoons.

> that has become a way of life on my planet.
>The other, to do exactly what I’m doing now, offering

CROW: This exclusive licensing deal.

> my
>services in order to help win back your world. Now, do you
>understand?"

TOM: Uh…Joel?

JOEL: Go ahead, this one deserves it.

TOM: Thanks. "If your puny brains don’t understand I could use even smaller words."

>
> "Ah understand. It’ll take some time to get used ta

CROW: Mah eksent.

>it, but ah understand." Bunnie did. The first few weeks
>after her partial roboticization were worse than any torture
>that she could have conceived.

JOEL: Except for dealings with her Student Loans Officer.

> She knew how it was, to bear
>the sorrow and frustration on her shoulders. Over time,
>they accepted her, and realized

TOM: She had a built-in percolator, too.

> that there was still a
>living heart in her chest.

JOEL: It belonged to the space metal-parasite that had infested her.

> But she never forgot the lessons
>those weeks taught her.

CROW: One. Never call someone "Bob" if he introduced himself to you as "Robert."

JOEL: Two. The Chain Rule and Integration by Parts are equivalent mathematical operations.

TOM: Three. Having lots of incidents doesn’t make for a plot.

>
> Keith smiled. "Good. I am glad to meet you, Bunnie,
>and I hope I can be as good a friend as these two." He
>offered his hand.

TOM: [ As Bunnie ] "Oh, you’re friends with your hands…well, that’s special, I guess."

> Bunnie was surprised at the sudden
>gesture of friendship, but then she grinned and took it.

CROW: "OW! OW! MINE DOESN’T COME OFF! LET GO! OW!"

>"Well, all right then, sugah. Let’s go get that fat boy!"

JOEL: John Goodman, you’re goin’ down!

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Remember the plan?

TOM: "Right. I’m to be captured and be a distraction, then you come get me in the end, right?"

> Bunnie and Sonic, set the charges.
>Keith you and… Sasha cut the alarms. Two minutes, and

CROW: Then another two minutes.

>I’ll fire. Ready? Go!" Sonic dashed off, with Bunnie in

JOEL: His trunk. Who knows why?

>tow. Keith hooked Sasha into the security alarms via a
>small comm terminal that was nearby.

TOM: Artoo! What have I told you about talking with strange computers?

> When he got the signal
>from Sasha, he flashed the thumbs-up to Sally.

CROW: Unfortunately, on Mobius, this is the equivalent of giving "the finger" several times over, and a fight erupted and they all were killed. The end.

[ To continue … ]

---

Not a whole lot needing explaining here. I’m sorry not to have had better riffs for the lessons Bunnie Rabbot’s weeks had taught her. John Goodman used to weigh more than he does now. And I like the way I imagine Crow crying about how “OW OW MINE DOESN’T COME OFF!”. Your line reading may vary.

I still think they could have put a little more effort into naming Bunnie Rabbot.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 13

Destiny, after stranding author Keith A— in the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, popped back in to give the human a helping hand. Also a very loud talking computer. In this installment of Keith A—‘s Altered Destiny we get to know something of her.

The whole of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction based on Altered Destiny should be at this link. And afterwards I should discuss references that made sense to me, when I wrote this, in 1997, and to no one else at any time ever.

---

> The small monitor on the front of the computer lit up.
>"HELLO, KEITH," it said, in a slightly high-pitched,
>pleasant female voice. "MY NAME IS SASHA, AND I HAVE BEEN
>GIVEN TO YOU AS A…

JOEL: Means of getting the story going again, *please*?

> SORT OF GUIDE TO YOUR NEW HOME.

TOM: Yeah, wouldn’t want him to blindly stumble into some
life-threatening situation, now, would we?

> I HAVE
>DETAILED ARCHIVES ON THE WORLD OF MOBIUS, FROM ANCIENT LORE
>TO DETAILED MAPS OF ‘INTEREST AREAS.’

CROW: You suppose Mobius has strip malls?

> I ALSO HAVE A FULL
>SELECTION OF MUSIC FROM YOUR WORLD, JUST IN CASE YOU FEEL
>HOMESICK."

JOEL: "I know nothing will make you feel more at home than
this fine selection of traditional chants from the Tupi and
early Mayan cultures."

>
> "Hmm, I doubt that I’ll be too homesick, but I think
>that archive might get quite a bit of use."

TOM: Now, does he really need an archive of Sonic the Hedgehog
fanfics?

>
> "Sasha is fully self-aware, and, if you like, can jack
>you into cyberspace like any other good system here.

JOEL: Because even when you are stranded in alien universes, you still
want to keep up with "Dilbert."

> If you
>wish, I can put a ‘cyberjack’, as you call it,

CROW: "Uh, Des, actually, you’re the only one calling it that.
Can I call you Des?"

> on your arm
>so you can mentally connect with Sasha, and basically any
>other machine that supports an interface cable. It may
>cause some discomfort, though."

JOEL: For example, it may make you think you’re on "The Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians" for some reason.

>
> "Hey, sounds great. Go ahead."

CROW: Our topic for tonight: Does Keith place too much simple trust in powerful yet inexplicable beings of vast power and unclear agendas?

> Hs steeled himself for
>the pain he knew would come.
>
> He expected pain. What he didn’t expect was to feel a
>hole dig itself into his arm.

TOM: I guess he was expecting the cyberjack to go through the little
door in his side.

> When the hole was deep
>enough, he felt a white-hot jet of fire streak up his arm,
>and directly into his brain, where it seemed to get hotter,
>and then disappear altogether.

CROW: This all *sounds* dirty, but we can’t actually prove it.

> When he looked down, he saw
>a small hole, which resembled a headphone jack, just past
>his elbow.

JOEL: Donating blood marrow is a good thing, though.

> Annoyed, he glared at Destiny. "Some
>discomfort?! Felt like someone’d lit my brain on fire!!
>Jeez!!! Okay, what now?"

TOM: "We try again, until it catches."

>
> "Now, you wake up.

CROW: What? This entire thing was a dream sequence? The whole
story? Let me out! Let me out!

JOEL: I think just this happened in the dream.

CROW: Ripoff!!

> I think you’ll find the people of
>Knothole to be a bit less judgmental."

JOEL: Now some of them will show signs of remorse after having you
executed.

>
> "What’d you do?" Keith was rather suspicious. He was
>sure that Destiny had messed with their heads.

CROW: Suddenly this story’s become Country/Western music.

> Much as the
>thought appealed to him, he still didn’t like the idea.

TOM: I give him credit for trying to convey emotional ambiguity,
but the sentence still doesn’t scan.

>
> "I did nothing. You, however, gave them one serious
>wakeup call.

JOEL: But they’ve got a snooze bar called "Nemesis," so it’s
hard to call.

> You’ll see.

CROW: Maybe.

> Now, it’s time for you to go."

JOEL: I’m so glad we had this quiet time together. Wanna make out?

[ To continue … ]

---

Dilbert was a funnier thing to reference back in 1997, when it was one of nearly two syndicated comic strips you could read online, and before we’d learned Scott Adams was a total nutter. The Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians was the elegant name they gave the Superfriends their last year on Saturday morning cartoons, when they tried to add some emotional depth and, important for the riff, Cyborg to the cast. And there we go.

I still think it’s a good question to ask about Keith’s trust.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 12

A mysterious figure in an empty void asked “Altered Destiny” author Keith A— if he wanted to join the world of Sonic the Hedgehog. Who’d pass that up? But not all the Freedom Fighters enjoy the human’s hanging around them. And now he’s feeling very alone …

The rest of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of old friend Keith A—‘s fan fiction should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Oh, no. Not again."

CROW: Oh, now a cute little ‘Alien’ is going to pop out of his
chest and sing the ‘Michigan Rag.’

> With one look, Keith knew where
>he was. He was back on the same featureless, barren plain

TOM: Oh, Wisconsin.

>that he was at when the Voice (It had already achieved
>proper noun status in Keith’s mind)

CROW: Of course, in Keith’s mind, packaged meat has proper noun
status.

> sent him to Mobius.
>
> "You handled that incident well. I am proud of you.

TOM: Now just remember to give them your lunch money the *rest*
of the week too.

>You managed to show them that things aren’t always what they
>seem.

JOEL: Since even though they’re fully-grown, responsible adults in
their own society, they can’t possibly figure this out without
some kid wandering in and yelling at them.

> But, I fear, your greatest task lies ahead, and you
>may not live to see the end result." The Voice seemed
>almost sad at this prospect.

TOM: Alas, odds are you’ll make it out alive. Oh well.

>
> "What are you talking about? And just who the hell are
>you?! I’m tired of talking to nothing, and I know you have

CROW: A something.

>a face to go with that voice. So why don’t you just show
>yourself and get it over with?"

JOEL: Pay no attention to the spirit behind the curtain.

>
> "Hell has nothing to do with it. There is no such
>place on Mobius.

TOM: All we have is a 16-Cineplex.

> Still, I think I’ll answer your last
>question first." And out of nowhere in particular stepped a
>beautiful silver-haired woman, dressed in robes of blue and
>white.

JOEL: Aw, look, Vanna White’s pregnant.

CROW: Again?

> There was an amused smile on her face. "Next, I go
>by many guises,

TOM: "I’ve been arrested for guising in seven states and two
Canadian provinces."

> but here I am known as Destiny.

ALL: [ Snicker ]

TOM: Destiny turns on a radio, pops the clutch, plugs in a video
game, and tells the world to EAT HER DUST!

> On your
>planet, I went by many names, but the one I am most partial
>to is Gaia.

CROW: Aw, criminey, it’s a crossover with "Captain Planet."

> And as for your first question, take a look."
>With a wave of her hand, more of the images sprang up. Some

JOEL: Were technical drawings of the starship Enterprise. Who’d have
guessed, Destiny was a nerd too?

>did indeed show his death, but not like on Earth. Here, he
>either died in battle, fighting to protect his friends. But

TOM: Shouldn’t there be an "or" in there somewhere?

>some of the images were fuzzy and indistinct. "What’s going
>on there?"
>
> Destiny frowned. "I’m not sure.

CROW: I have this lousy cable company.

> Fate is rather
>fickle.

JOEL: I hate her.

> Even I don’t know all of the things that can happen
>to you while you’re here. Anyway," she waved again,

TOM: I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. You’re the writer.

> and the
>images disappeared, "what I brought you here for was to
>congratulate you on your achievements,

CROW: Because, Keith A—, THIS IS YOUR FANFIC!

> which I did,

JOEL: Oh, great celebration. Thanks.

> and to
>give you a little something to aid you here on Mobius.
>Here." A silver aura lit up Keith’s left forearm for a
>second.

TOM: Your very own special effect!

> When it faded, there was what looked like a
>microcomputer strapped to his arm.

CROW: Tragically, it was a Commodore Plus/4.

>

> "What is this?" Keith’s eyes lit up. (Author’s note:

JOEL: E flat.

>Keith loves technological achievements, and will drop
>whatever he’s doing to get a "new toy.") He ran his hands
>across the top of the computer with an almost reverent awe.

CROW: I’m glad the author explained that to us, rather than making
let us infer it from clear writing.

>
> Destiny smiled. "Not what.

JOEL: Huh?

TOM: Which?

> Who.

CROW: When?

JOEL: Why?

> Her

CROW: She?

TOM: Who?

> name is Sasha,
>and I’d best leave the rest to her. Sasha, introduce
>yourself."

JOEL: Good Sasha! Here’s some pudding.

>
> The small monitor on the front of the computer lit up.
>"HELLO, KEITH,"

ALL: Ow! Ow!

TOM: Not so loud!

> it said,

CROW: Not it! She!

> in a slightly high-pitched,
>pleasant female voice. "MY NAME IS SASHA, AND I HAVE BEEN
>GIVEN TO YOU …

[ To continue … ]

---

When I wrote this MiSTing in 1997 I had not been to Wisconsin. I still have not. Vanna White was, in fact, pregnant in 1997, but I just picked it up as a bit of nonsense celebrity gossip. I think a riff like that was on the actual Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The Commodore Plus/4 was an attempted follow-on to the Commodore 64 that had features like better graphics, a better programming language, and built-in word processor, spreadsheet, and database software that sucked. They tried, but, you know, Commodore Computers.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 11

Transported from Earth to the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, author Keith A— finds himself in depths of loneliness he’d never imagined. After a scuffle with some of the Freedom Fighter animals of Knothole Village, Keith wonders how things can get any worse. Then he happens to pick up this guitar he has and starts strumming. Bookshire Raccoon and Princess Sally Hedgehog pop in to ask what his deal is.

The whole of my vintage 1997 Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfiction based on Altered Destiny should be at this link. The handful of things needing explanation will get that at the end of this post.

---

>
> After they had gotten situated, he looked at the water.
>"This is a beautiful place. There was never anything like
>it back home."

CROW: I’m pretty sure they had water back on Earth, Keith.

> Bookshire looked up at him. "Just where
>exactly is your home?

TOM: "I live in a Primestar Network display promotion. It’s been
affecting my dreams."

> Is it somewhere in the Great
>Unknown?" Keith turned to look at the aging raccoon, then
>gazed up at the stars.

JOEL: I’ve seen this anime before, it’s a comedy, "Project Mee-ko."

> "Yes, but not the Great Unknown you
>may be thinking of." He swept his arm, indicating the night
>sky. "My home may be spinning around one of those stars out
>there.

CROW: [ As Bookshire ] It’s okay to say ‘I don’t know’ around here.

> It makes me feel kinda funny, knowing that I’ll
>never see my family again."

JOEL: "Finally the stress and repression has drained out of my life
enough that I can eat normal food."

> He shook his head. "But what
>am I saying? I’m here now, and that’s all that matters."

>
> Sally took it upon herself to ask the million-dollar
>question. "Just how did you get here, anyway?"

TOM: You know, some counter-revolutionary organizations would
have asked that of a stranger who appeared in their midst
before accepting him into their society and giving him free
roam of the village.

> Keith bowed
>his head, and took a deep breath. "That, Princess, is a
>long story."

ALL: Tell us about it!

TOM: Ba-dum bum!

> He proceeded to tell them of his world, his
>life in it, and his fateful dream.
>
> "Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe it!"

CROW: "Especially that stuff about the tub full of Gold Bond
Medicated Powder, the blue cellophane tape, and Mary Tyler Moore
in a bunny costume!"

>
> "Believe it, Princess. It’s the only story I have, and
>it’s the only truth."

TOM: You will never need any other truth once you have been exposed
to my massive intellect.

CROW: That’s one!

TOM: Don’t count them.

>
> Sonic was still confused. "But why’d ya wanna come
>here? I mean, life here’s a major drag, with Robuttnik and
>all."

JOEL: And our faltering health-care system.

TOM: Not to mention declining auto safety standards.

CROW: Plus "The Straight Dope," the TV show, got cancelled.

>
> "That may be, Sonic, but at least here I can do
>something with my life, other than just lie down and wait to
>die. Here, at least, I can

JOEL: Be put on trial and executed.

> find purpose in my life. Here,
>I can make a difference.

ALL: [ Begin humming "Let There Be Peace On Earth" ]

> There, I was just another face in
>the crowd. I’d rather be fighting against a tyrant than
>fighting against my own inner demons."

TOM: Well, except for Xendrana, she’s the one with the long,
flowing hair and the…uh…well, this is a public place…
uhm…

>
> "Well, you’ll always have a home with us. Please, come
>back to Knothole."

JOEL: A planned community for the best years of your life.

>
> Keith shook his head. "Not yet. There are still some
>things I need to work out.

TOM: Change of address cards still. What ZIP code is this
spacetime continuum, anyway? Or are you on Canada Post?

> If you don’t mind, I’d like to
>stay out here for a while. See you in the morning." With
>that, he turned back to the pond.

JOEL: You have become tiresome and I wish to see you no more.
Begone, now, or I shall summon the guard.

> Sally laid her hand on
>his

CROW: Oh, here comes the good part…

> shoulder,

CROW: Oh, pootertoots.

JOEL: What?

> then got up and left. The others followed
>suit. Soon, there was just the one human gazing out over
>the crystal waters.

TOM: He and Keith would fight it out at dawn.

[ To continue … ]

---

Primestar Network was a satellite TV service in the 90s, gobbled up by DirecTV, whom you know from somehow always having a contract dispute with the TV station that serves MeTV in your area. “Project Mee-ko” references Project A-ko, a comedy schoolgirl/alien-invasion movie from the mid-80s. I remember it as fun and I’m sure it hasn’t curdled a bit in the three decades since I saw it last. Meeko is of course the raccoon from Disney’s Pocahontas Intellectual Property. (Making the joke a little better is the lead characters in Project A-ko were named A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko, so Mee-ko is quite on point.)

I can’t imagine anything pleasant about a tub full of Gold Bond but hey, it’s not my dream. I’ve mentioned The Straight Dope TV series before. I think it got cancelled between when I started writing the MiSTing and its publication. “Xendrana” doesn’t reference anything in particular. I note that in G.I.Joe the evil Zartan had a sister Zarana, which might have influenced the name.