And I continue again! My Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction based on Arthur Scott Bailey’s The Tale of Grumpy Weasel gets another chapter. The whole MiSTing, whether or not I finish the book, should be gathered at this link.
The story so far: Grumpy Weasel has caught Mr Meadow Mouse poking around the stone wall along his hunting grounds. In trying to escape Meadow Mouse suggests seeing which of them can fit through the smaller hole in the wall. Before Grumpy can sneer the idea down Solomon Owl lands and declares he’ll judge the hole-crawling contest. And now, for Chapter …
CROW: Chapter Seven, the prequel.
> MR. MEADOW MOUSE ESCAPES
JOEL: Wonder what’s going to happen this chapter.
> Grumpy Weasel did not like Solomon Owl’s offer
TOM: Two wheat and one ore in exchange for Literacy and Mapmaking? What kind of offer is that?!
> to be
> umpire of the hole-crawling contest between Mr. Meadow Mouse
> and himself.
JOEL: … Busier than a one-beaked umpire at a hole-crawling contest.
> He hissed a few times and glared at Solomon Owl,
CROW: Like they say, the people with the free weasels always hiss first.
> up in the hemlock tree.
TOM: Grumpy should run into the hemlock tree’s opposite, the inseam-key tree.
> Solomon Owl did not appear to mind that, but calmly
> outstared Grumpy Weasel without once blinking.
JOEL: [ As Solomon ] ‘I been hissed at by bigger weasels than you, buck-o.’
> "Are you both
> ready?" he asked presently.
CROW: You know this is like the biggest mouse anxiety dream after having to give a presentation in class.
> "Yes, thank you!" Mr. Meadow Mouse answered.
TOM: [ As Meadow ] ‘I’ll just get ready over … there … ‘ [ Makes a ‘whoosh’ noise ]
> Grumpy Weasel gave a sort of shrug, as if to say that he
> supposed he was.
JOEL: Grumpy’s too cool for school.
> "First you may try that hole between those mossy
> stones," Mr. Owl announced, with a tilt of his head toward
> the wall.
TOM: Mossy stones … hm … what’s your game, old Owl?
> "Certainly!" cried Mr. Meadow Mouse.
CROW: Remember to wear your microchip shirt so we can time you down to the millisecond.
> "You go first and I’ll follow," Grumpy Weasel told
JOEL: Not going to flip to see who goes first?
> And Mr. Meadow Mouse didn’t dare disobey. He whisked
> through the hole spryly and was back again in no time.
TOM: Why, the hole only goes halfway!
> Then Grumpy took his turn.
JOEL: And *only* his turn. He’s not greedy.
TOM: Greedy Muskrat is a whole different book.
> He was certainly quicker
> than Mr. Meadow Mouse.
CROW: [ As Meadow ] ‘It’s very important I do my *entire* get-ready-to-do-something routine!’
TOM: [ As Meadow, doing Ed Norton ] ‘Hello, hole!’
> Even the umpire, Solomon Owl, had to
> admit that.
JOEL: Solomon Owl is not one to gainsay the obvious.
> "But of course that’s not the point," Solomon
TOM: It might be the tiebreaker, though.
> "It’s the one that gets stuck in a hole that loses
> the contest."
CROW: Much as in life, yes.
> Well, after Grumpy and Mr. Meadow Mouse had slipped
> through several holes, each one smaller than the one before,
TOM: They must both be shrinking!
> Mr. Meadow Mouse said that he thought it was only polite to
> let Grumpy go first.
JOEL: That’s the sort of thing that’ll shake him out of his funk.
> Secretly Mr. Meadow Mouse was afraid of
> what might happen if he should have the misfortune to get
> wedged in a hole, with Grumpy Weasel ready to follow him.
TOM: He could just tell Grumpy it’s all right to go around him. Easy.
> had had some trouble getting through the last one and he knew
> that he could never squeeze through one that was much
CROW: Fatty Raccoon wondering what’s all this ‘squeeze through’ talk.
> Grumpy Weasel lost his temper at once.
TOM: Remember, the loser is the one who throws the first punch. Except if you’re boxing.
> "I’ll do as I please on my stone wall!" he snapped.
JOEL: If you wanna find out what’s behind these cold eyes you’ll just have to claw your way through this disguise.
> And he was angrier than ever when Solomon Own said to him,
> "It’s your turn!"
CROW: [ As Meadow ] ‘Wait, it was that easy all along? I shoulda tried this *holes* ago!’
> Probably no other of the woods
> people—unless it was one of the Hawk family
TOM: Eagle, Goshawk, Tony, and Parabuteo.
> —could have
> made Grumpy Weasel obey.
JOEL: Oh and Jimmy Rabbit now he read that book about hypnosis.
> And now he insisted that if he "went
> first" he ought to be allowed to choose whatever hole he
TOM: [ As Solomon ] ‘Hmm … I’ll allow it. But you’re on a short leash, counsellor.’
> Both Solomon Owl and Mr. Meadow Mouse agreed.
JOEL: What sort of name do you think ‘Meadow’ is?
TOM: What sort of name is ‘Grumpy’?
> Grumpy Weasel popped through a hole of his own choosing, and
> he did not reappear,
CROW: Wait, I was about to *make* that joke!
> though he called to Mr. Meadow Mouse to
> "come on."
JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] ‘You’ll love it here in the Shadow Zone!’
> Mr. Meadow Mouse hung back.
TOM: [ As Grumpy ] ‘Come on, join me in the Never-Was!’
> "You’ll have to excuse me," he stammered.
CROW: [ As Meadow ] ‘I, uh, have a all-hands standup on Zoom in five. Be right back.’
> "What’s the matter?" boomed Solomon Owl. "Do you want
> to lose the contest?"
JOEL: [ As Solomon ] ‘Can you settle for being merely Pleasant Valley’s *second-best* squeezer-into-things?’
> "No!" said Mr. Meadow Mouse. "But Grumpy Weasel is
> still inside that hole. There’s no other way out."
TOM: [ As Torgo ] ‘It’ll be dark soon, there is no other way out.’
> "How do you know?" Solomon Owl asked him.
CROW: You know, one cork could solve the whole Grumpy Weasel problem right now.
> "Oh, I’ve been here before, often," Mr. Meadow Mouse
TOM: Often enough to memorize all the one-way holes?
> "Are you sure?" Mr. Owl inquired.
CROW: Look, there’s one hole in the wall that leads to somewhere in the Delta Quadrant where the Caretaker’s sampling species, and that’s the hole. What can I tell you?
> "I’ll go on the other side of the wall and look," Mr.
> Meadow Mouse offered. And thereupon he skipped over the wall.
JOEL: You know, this really seems more like Meadow Mouse’s story here.
> Solomon Owl waited patiently.
TOM: Wonder what Solomon’s whole gambit here is, really.
> And so did Grumpy
CROW: So did Peter Mink, but you don’t see him making a big fuss over it.
> But Mr. Meadow Mouse never came back. Once out of
> sight he scampered away.
JOEL: [ As Meadow, increasingly faintly ] ‘I’m not scampering away, I’m, I’m, I’m just looking for where the hole should be!’
TOM: [ As Meadow ] ‘Still shakin’ the bushes, boss!’
> And he never trespassed on Grumpy
> Weasel’s hunting ground again.
CROW: Because Grumpy was so impressed with the cleverness they became good friends and Meadow was welcome anytime he wanted to drop in, right?
JOEL: Um …
[ To continue … ? ]