I hope you’re having more fun with Arthur Scott Bailey’s The Tale of Grumpy Weasel than poor little Jimmy Rabbit is! You can catch up on my whole Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of it here.
For those joining us now:: Jimmy Weasel accepted Old Mr Crow’s nagging to take up Grumpy Weasel’s race challenge. What Jimmy and Old Mr Crow failed do is negotiate for the race to have a finish line. Jimmy’s starting to realize Grumpy figures the only finish line is “finish Jimmy”.
I don’t think anything needs explaining here. Well, ‘Coronet Blue’, but that was explained as far as it could be on the original show.
CROW: Xi Xperling, president of the hair club for zmen.
> A LONG RACE
TOM: The 19th-Century struggle between Britain and Russia for mastery in Afghanistan and how it changed the world!
> The famous race between Grumpy Weasel and Jimmy
> Rabbit went on and on.
JOEL: They stumbled into an existentialist drama without realizing it.
> Jimmy turned and twisted this way and
CROW: No, not *that* way!
> up and down and back and forth
TOM: *And* Fortran.
> through Pleasant Valley.
JOEL: [ As Ted Stryker ] I don’t know if we’ll ever be through Pleasant Vally.
> He could still run faster than Grumpy Weasel, it is true.
CROW: Well, that would seem to settle the race then, wouldn’t it?
> he was growing tired. Now and then Jimmy stopped to rest.
JOEL: Have you considered calling ‘Olly Olly Oxen Free’?
> he kept hoping that Grumpy Weasel had become so weary that he
> had given up the chase.
TOM: That’s it, wait for the creature driven by anger to get over it.
> But Grumpy Weasel never stopped once.
CROW: He started right in on stopping twice.
> And whenever
> Jimmy Rabbit spied him coming along his trail Jimmy would
> spring up with a sigh and rush off again.
JOEL: [ As Coily ] o/` No sighs! o/`s`
> He began to understand that such a race was no joke.
TOM: Jimmy took a frivolous view of the sport of ‘Dare Ya to a Foot Race’?
> He certainly didn’t want to lose the race.
CROW: The only way to race is not to race.
> And he certainly
> didn’t want Grumpy Weasel to come up with him.
JOEL: Maybe Grumpy Weasel will just give you a big hug?
> He had always
> kept at a good safe distance from that ill-natured fellow.
TOM: Except on Accept-A-Dare Thursdays.
> And Jimmy felt most uneasy now at the thought of Grumpy’s
> catching him.
CROW: [ As Jimmy ] ‘What if he tickles me?’
> "He must be very hungry, after running so far," Jimmy
> Rabbit said to himself anxiously.
TOM: [ As Jimmy ] ‘Maybe I can get him talking about what kind of protein shakes he likes.’
> "If he’s as hungry as I am
> he wouldn’t be a pleasant person to meet."
JOEL: What if you meet him at the Chinese buffet?
> And that thought
> made Jimmy run all the faster, for a time.
CROW: But he’s not running for a time.
> But he soon found
> that he had to stop more often to rest.
TOM: Jimmy hauls off and smacks a tortoise who wasn’t even involved.
> And to his great
> alarm Grumpy Weasel kept drawing nearer all the time.
JOEL: When in the race do you figure Jimmy realized he forgot to pick a finish line?
> At last Jimmy Rabbit became so worried that he swept
TOM: Compulsive cleaning is at least a useful way of handling nerves.
> around by the stone wall again and stopped to whisper to old
> Mr. Crow.
JOEL: [ As Mr Crow ] ‘What? You act like this is my fault somehow!’
> "He’s still chasing me. And I can’t run forever.
TOM: isn’t that the lyrics from ‘The Raccoons’?
JOEL: o/` Come run forever … o/“
> shall I do?" Jimmy asked the old gentleman.
CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] ‘Have you considered flying?’
> "I’ll think the matter over and let you know
TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] ‘For a hamburger today.’
> Mr. Crow muttered hoarsely. To tell the truth,
JOEL: Will the real Grumpy Weasel *please* stand up?
> was alarmed himself.
TOM: [ As Jimmy ] ‘Oh, *he’s* alarmed now?!’
> And he had no idea what Jimmy Rabbit
> could do to save himself from Grumpy Weasel.
CROW: Maybe have Paddy Muskrat swim at him?
> While they talked, Grumpy’s cousin, Peter Mink,
> watched them slyly.
JOEL: Well not *that* slyly, just sort of slyly-ish-ly.
> "Who do you think is going to win the race?" he
TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] ‘Look, why do you want to make everything a horserace?’
JOEL: [ As Peter ] ‘It’s literally a race and neither of them are horses!’
CROW: [ As Jimmy ] ‘My voice is pretty hoarse!
> Mr. Crow did not even turn his head. He felt very
TOM: Really? Whatever for?
> But he tried to look unconcerned.
CROW: Don’t frown! .. Oh, perfect!
> "Run along!" he said to Jimmy. "To-morrow I’ll tell
> you what to do."
JOEL: Wait! I just had an idea, Jimmy, put on this Girl Weasel costume and I’ll play the sultry music!
> "To-morrow—" Jimmy Rabbit panted—"to-morrow will
> be too late."
TOM: o/` To-morrow will be tooooo laaaaate! o/`
> Then all at once Mr. Crow had an idea.
CROW: If I could stop Valentine’s Day from coming — but how?
> And he
> whispered something in one of Jimmy Rabbit’s long ears
JOEL: ‘Coronet Blue’?!
> made the poor fellow take heart.
TOM: Also ears.
> "All right!" Jimmy cried. "I’ll see you
CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] ‘See you soon!’ [ To himself ] ‘He’s dead.’
> And away he ran, just as Grumpy Weasel
> came racing along the stone wall,
JOEL: He’s stonewalling.
> looking as fresh as a
TOM: Please don’t eat the weasels.
> "You’d better stop and rest a while!" Mr. Crow
> croaked. "If you get too tired you’ll never win."
CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] ‘If this works Jimmy is set!’
> "Rest!" Grumpy exploded. "I don’t need to rest! I
> never felt better in my life, except that I’m pretty hungry.
TOM: Aw, you’re awfully cute even when you’re stuffed, dear.
> But I’m bound to win this race."
JOEL: He shows off his giant horseshoe magnet and empty bag of iron baby carrots.
> As he spoke of feeling
> hungry he cast a longing glance at Jimmy Rabbit,
TOM: [ Makes a zzzzzz noise, like a fishing reel being cast. ]
> who was just
> dodging out of sight behind a distant tree.
TOM: Grumpy just went into a bar, made the biker strip naked, didn’t even take the clothes.
CROW: Did Arthur Scott Bailey ever consider liking his protagonist?
> "Wait here a bit, anyhow!" Mr. Crow urged him.
JOEL: Underneath this anvil!
> you’re sure to win—as you say—there can be no hurry."
TOM: [ As Grumpy ] ‘If … is this some Sophist nonsense? You gonna give me that thing about how since I never lost my unicorn horn I *have* a unicorn horn?’
> Peter Mink too begged his cousin Grumpy to stop just a
CROW: Think how Peter Mink feels begging Grumpy to spend more time with him.
> And he laughed, "Ha, ha!" whenever he looked at Mr.
TOM: They’re coming to take me away?
> And strange to say, Mr. Crow said, "Ha, ha!" too.
JOEL: He’s going to dare Grumpy Weasel to race *him*.
[ To continue … ? ]